Chapter 3

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!

Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around, spotting the Three Blind Mice on his table.

MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

GORDON: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gordon, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDON: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)

GORDO: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gordon?

GORDO: How did you know?

SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!

Shrek turns around and sees the Seven Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.

SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table!

DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

SHREK: Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him.

BIG BAD WOLF: What?

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.

SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?

He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.

SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)

The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.

SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!! (this echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around. The Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.

SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there! (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey)

DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

PINOCCHIO: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK: What?

PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here.

SHREK: (flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

SHREK: (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY: Me! Me!

SHREK: Anyone?

DONKEY: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd cheers wildly.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

DONKEY: (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again.

SHREK: What did I say about singing?

DONKEY: Can I whistle?

SHREK: No.

DONKEY: Can I hum it?

SHREK: All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.