The Psychiatrist's Office

The next morning, I woke up and saw that Sharon left a note for me saying:

 Dear Klei,

 I hope you enjoyed last night. I know I did. I am going to be away for a while, but I will be back soon. Don't worry, I will be safe.

 -Sharon

I didn't bother calling her because she obviously has something going on. She's always acting like she doesn't know me at times.

But she knows me better than anyone else. I guess she's really gone somewhere, maybe she went to see her therapist or something?

I went to grab a cup of coffee and smoke a cigarette, skipping my breakfast. Actually coffee and cigarettes are my breakfast every morning ritual.

Then, I headed to the city for my appointment with my new psychologist, the one that gives therapy without making me worse with medicines.

But Sharon surely needs medications rather than just talk therapy. She's way beyond the edge.

I was nervous because I never met a psychologist in America before, and I was afraid of being judged. But I was surprised by how friendly and nice she was.

She told me everything I needed to know about the process of therapy and how I can get better with my disorder.

It turns out that the most accurate diagnosis I was given was just Antisocial Conduct Personality Disorder.

I was not bipolar or a schizophrenic. So I can reassure myself that everything I see and experience is real, but I am slightly dissociated from reality because of trauma by my father's abuse.

I am glad I was diagnosed correctly.

We started the session with a few questions.

"What brings you here today?"

"I need help."

"Why do you think you need help?"

"I... really don't know to be honest. I thought I was losing it... I do have one question though..."

"What is it?"

"Since I told you about the people I killed when I wasn't 'lucid' when I did it, I actually was. There was just no other way to get out of my father's leash... I had to do it.

I know I wasn't remorseful at first, but I've been willing to change ever since I saw my mistakes, but it's so hard to learn from them. I just do the same thing over and over again, expecting shit to change."

"Do you know Albert Einstein, Klei? You are as smart as he is, he even knows what the definition of insanity is as well."

"Yes, I just told you. I definitely did not get that reference from a video game about a psychopath or whatever, haha!"

She was charmed by the joke, since she knows what I was talking about,

"Yeah, Far Cry 3, right. My husband played it when we were teenagers. But as you are suffering from an antisocial personality disorder called Conduct Disorder, which you are already aware of, sociopathy.

But that I can understand, you were just traumatised enough by environmental stress where you developed your brain with. Especially an abuse from your father, which also shows red flags of the same disorder as you.

Since you told me about his high levels of delinquency which are ten times worse than you ever were. Surely you got your genes from your father."

"Is it true that psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths have no ability to change?"

"Your father did, when you were born, you told me that. But he only became abusive because he was forced to, because you were a troubled child.

He was drained by you enough for him to be convinced you will never change. But I believe you can. Don't worry, psychopaths can change. Where did you learn that from anyway?"

"The internet..."

"Ah, the internet... of course..."

"It came from the internet! SO IT MUST BE TRUE!" I joked just for her to laugh.

"I get your sense of humour, but I think your sense of humour is just a way of coping, am I correct?"

"Well, yes. I am aware of that. It's my only outlet of stress..."

"So you think it's okay to kill people and do horrible things because you are stressed? Do you really feel no remorse at all?"

"I only feel bad if I get caught... but when I get away with every gimmick I do, I never feel guilt."

"Klei, you need to stop being a criminal, it's wrong."

"I am not a criminal, I am a victim!"

"You are not a victim, you are playing the victim to get what you want. Which is unhealthy for both others and yourself."

"I don't care, I am sick and tired of being a slave to my father. He's such a controlling asshole! He abuses me every single day and makes me do things I hate, and I am tired of it."

"But he's gone now, right? There is no need to play the victim anymore. I think you are stuck in the past, like your father."

"I AM NOTHING LIKE MY FATHER!!!"

"Yes, let it all out. You are nothing like him, you are you. Not like the others, you are smart and good. But you should use your wits for the better and not for your personal gain.

But please, just... just calm down. I am going to write down all of your answers on my pad."

"I'm sorry... I'll calm down." I sat back down and laid my body onto the chaise longue.

"Good, so... you're saying you are a psychopath? Is that right?"

"Yes."

"How does it feel to be a psychopath?"

"It feels great, actually! But there are some highs and lows, which was mistaken with bipolar when those meds never worked on my supposedly bipolar when there was no bipolar to begin with. They just made me worse."

"And who is giving you these 'meds'?"

"My previous doctor, he's arrogant and never lets me finish. I just begin to vent my issues to him for 5 minutes and he ignores me and writes the exact same prescription as last time and sends me away.

He jumps to conclusions too easily and thinks I'm like every other patient."

"So you don't trust him?"

"No, I do. I just don't like how he handles me. I feel like I can't trust any doctors anymore."

"Why not? You came to me though, I am a doctor that is willing to help you."

"Because they never fixed me, the last time I went to a psychologist for a second opinion, she just told me to pray and everything will be okay.

I could have just hired a pastor, that could have been free instead of paying so much money for such a waste.

Every doctor is the same, they tell me something is wrong with different diagnoses that aren't even accurate, and convince me I'm crazy just to give me the wrong medications to make me worse.

Just to keep me coming back to them to scam me for money. The Philippines is as corrupt as every politician there."

"That's sad, but it's true. I can understand your frustration though. But why did you come to me? Why did you choose me?"

"You seemed nice. And I heard that you don't treat people with medicine."

"That is correct, I am a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. I'm glad you know this, you seem to know how to do your research well. Now for another question. What are your thoughts on your diagnosis?"

"I don't really care, I mean I'm happy I am diagnosed correctly, but I don't really care about the details."

"You don't care about the details of your diagnosis?"

"Because I am a complete narcissist to think I'm so smart I already know everything about myself as soon as I know the correct diagnosis, because I read it on the 'internet', just kidding. I read the DSM-5."

"You can't self diagnose, Klei... that is unhealthy for you."

"Same shit everyone in TikTok with tics and DID do."

"But you are not them."

"You do know I was kidding, right?"

"Your frustration is making you go hysterical. But I will give you the right treatment to help you calm down.

Since antisocial personality disorder has no right treatment for medications. Maybe my therapy will help."

"I know I am hysterical... because I ran out of meds... I am going through a withdrawal right now."

She sighs, "I can give you... medication, to help you wean off from withdrawals.

You take one full dose by the first two weeks, then half dose for the second two weeks, and another half for the next two weeks until they're all gone. Until you get rid of your withdrawals, alright?"

"I thought psychologists don't give medications, only physical therapy?"

"They can as well, only if it is needed. I am not giving you medications because you need it. I am giving them to you because you are experiencing withdrawal symptoms."

"Alright, alright, alright!" I walked around the office putting my hands over my head and inhaled and exhaled deeply, "I just need something to calm me down."

"But don't overdose... alright? Do you have a guardian at least, other than your father that is far away from you now?"

"I have my brother... I'll just ask him to give me the right dose and have him hide them.

For now, I will just depend on my cigarettes to calm me down, and if I ever feel too sad I'll just grab a cup of coffee."

"Self-medicating is dangerous, you shouldn't do that. If you can, please wean off those addictions as well."

"Alright, alright, fine, whatever." I sighed again.

"Now, I would like to start with a few questions. First, what is your favourite colour?"

"Cyan. The colour Cyan, back then it used to be black and red because it reminded me of blood and darkness.

When my counselor asked me why red was my favorite color, I said red and she asked me why... told her it reminded me of murder."

"What does the colour Cyan remind you of?"

"Aesthetics really, or it's because the colour cyan... well, subconsciously I have the answer for that.

The colour cyan is the only colour that doesn't exist in the entire universe, but if you stare into the colour red enough and you close your eyes, you will see a type of cyan colour that never existed in the real world.

It's like it's a newly discovered colour that is outside of the universe. And... the other universes remind me of the books that I write. I write books that are different dimensions out of the apparent reality we live in. And it is my happy place. Where I can be free away from my father..."

"So you write books?"

"Yes, I am an author."

"Oh, you are an author? That's amazing! Can I read your books?"

"Yes, you can. You can just go to my WebNovel page... I even made my own printed business card to take you to the link to it which is a QR code."

"Wow, you are really smart. I thought you just vent-write stories.

I didn't know you're an actual author. At least being an author and having a fandom to understand your pain to share each other's feelings and beliefs with one another as a group or community feels much better, right?"

"I do have my so-called colleagues in a Discord Server where all the other authors of WebNovel are at. They help me with my books, they all love my jokes.

They enjoy my company, despite the fact that I act the most narcissistic and be my true self, they actually love me as a good friend."

"So you found your true self, your true self is a good person."

"Holy shit, you're right..."

"See? That wasn't so bad. You're not a bad person Klei, you're just misunderstood, no matter what society tells you.

Don't let others tell you who you are, because only you yourself have the control of your identity and personality. Don't let others dictate what you do in life. Your business is your business."

"Thank you so much! Although, I have one problem."

"What is it?"

"My... um, she's not my 'girlfriend' yet. She and I are 'frenemies', both friends and enemies, sometimes lovers. She has a sick mad obsession with me claiming she's in love.

But she'd attempted to kidnap me and stab me multiple times. But I love her too much to tell her that, she's also manipulative and she doesn't have insight into her own sickness.

I want to help her instead of just calling the cops. Because it feels like she completes me..."

"A toxic relationship... I am not a relationship counsellor, but I can help her individually as a patient of mine. Take her to this office as soon as you can, alright?

I will help you. But if you need a relationship coach, I can refer you to someone." She got interrupted by her watch ringing, "Well, that's an hour over for today's check up, I'll give you my business card and your prescriptions, alright?"

"Thank you so much!"