Keys to the City

Granny is lying quietly in a hospital bed. Wires are coming off of her from every direction. I'd much rather spend my morning hooked up to these machines than spend a second in jail. She looks around the cold, sterile room. With its bare white walls and shiny tile floors, there isn't a lot to see. Granny suddenly recalls her grand performance in the park. They really thought I had a heart attack. She snickers. She glances towards the ceiling and adds, You said I'd never make a good actress, Mama, but after that show, I'd say I missed my calling, wouldn't you? She notices her doctor walk into the room with a perplexed look on his face. "Is something wrong, doctor?" she asks, anxiously sitting up in bed.

"Quite the opposite, all of your tests came back normal." He glances at a small piece of paper coming from the machine. "Your heart waves remain normal and your vitals are steady."

"I can go home then, right?"

"I'd like to run one more test just to be sure."

"I feel fine, really I do."

"You may feel alright now, but something happened to you earlier and we need to find out what it was."

Maybe I did too good of a job acting. "It was probably from all the stress of being attacked and then thrown in the squad car." Seeing he's not convinced she adds, " I'm fine now, really, I am." His expression doesn't change. I need to show him how well I'm doing. She tries to climb out of bed, the wires pull her back. That didn't go as planned.

"You promise to follow up with your physician?"

"I'll make an appointment as soon as I leave."

"Tell you what I'll do; I'll have my nurse make the appointment for you, alright?"

Granny sighs. "Whatever you think is best, doc."

A nurse taps on the door then walks into the room. "Doctor, the Police Chief is here, he wants to talk to her before she leaves." She glances toward their patient.

The doctor smiles and says,"Send him in."

Granny glances around the room again. I went through all of this for nothing and I was so close to freedom too. Aggravated, Granny tosses her stuff in the chair. So long wonderful life. Tears are streaming down her face when her visitor steps in the door.

"I just wanted to come down and congratulate you," the Police Chief says, crossing the room.

I'm not under arrest? Granny glances up at him, a confused look on her face. "I...I don't understand; congratulate me for what?"

"You helped us catch the Nanny Bandit."

"The Nanny Bandit, who is he?"

"He's the perp who preys on elderly citizens. To show our appreciation, the mayor and I want to have an award ceremony in your honor."

"That really isn't necessary, sir." Granny blushes.

"Of course it is. Get dressed and meet me in the lobby in five." He winks.

"But Captain I..." He walks out the door before she has time to finish.

"It looks like we have a hero in the room." The doctor smiles.

"I'm not a hero doc, I'm just an ordinary old lady trying to make the most out of the time I have left."

The doctor chuckles. "She's humble too. Nurse, get our celebrity spiffed up for her big debut."

"Right away, sir." The nurse smiles.

A few minutes later, Granny is wheeled to the front door.

"They're waiting for you out on the steps," the nurse explains as she locks the wheelchair in place.

Granny sees a horde of reporters out on the lawn when she glances out the door. The Captain, Mayor, and the Chief of Police are at the top of the stairs, explaining what's going on.

"Do I look alright?" she asks as she nervously straightens her clothes.

"You look beautiful, dear."

She looks towards the crowd again. "I... I don't think I can do this."

"They put their pants on one leg at a time just like you and me."

"Yeah, but still... "

The mayor steps in the doorway. "Your public is waiting for you, dear." He offers her his hand.

Granny watches as another group gathers at the entrance. "I... I'm sorry, but I really can't do this." She turns away.

"You know what helps me get over my fear?" the Mayor asks.

"No, what?"

"I picture them in their underwear. Go on and try it, it's fun." He urges.

She pictures one of the reporters in pink floral boxers. "You're right, this is fun." Granny snickers.

"Are you ready now?" He offers her his hand again.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Taking his arm, they walk through the door.

The crowd cheers the moment she steps outside. Granny's thoughts drift back to the humiliating day she gave her graduation speech. I don't want to go through that again, I don't. She tearfully pulls away.

Leaning over, the Mayor whispers. "Underwear dear, underwear."

"I... I..."

"Trust me, dear, it works." He pulls her to the front of the steps.

Granny is clinging tightly to the mayor's arm as the crowd continues to cheer. Please don't let me faint. Please don't let me faint.

"How did you do it?" a reporter asks.

The mayor hands her a microphone. "That question is for you, dear."

Granny nervously glances at him.

"Remember our trick."

Granny takes a deep breath. "I... I hit him in his nuts with my cane." The crowd cheers.

"Get 'em, Granny." someone yells.

This isn't like high school at all. Smiling she continues, "That's the most debilitating place on a man you know; it's where all their body functions begin especially their brains."

The crowd laughs.

I made a funny. Granny smiles.

***

"Hey Sergeant, did you hear about the old lady in the park?"

Joe glances up from his paperwork. "What are you talking about, Jerr?"

"An old lady caught the Nanny Bandit in the park and they're having an awards ceremony for her to show their appreciation." He hands Joe a tablet.

So that's where Captain rushed off to in such a hurry, Joe thinks as he watches her ceremony take place.

"I guess he messed with the wrong Granny that time." Joe laughs as he hands the tablet back.

"Jeff told me that she nearly castrated him with her cane."

"It serves him right for preying on seniors." Rachel pauses for a minute. "Hey Joe, you don't think... No, that's too crazy."

"What's crazy, Rachel?"

"You don't think this is who George was referring to, do you?"

"I don't think she has the strength to do what our killer did."

"She did take down our bandit single-handedly, boss." Jerry pulls up crime scene photos and hands the tablet to Joe.

"Anyone would fall to the ground after being racked with a cane."

"Maybe that's how she starts off," Rachel suggests.

"Look at her; she doesn't have enough muscle in her flabby arms to do that kind of damage. See how she walks, all stooped over like that." He hands the tablet back.

"You're probably right, boss." He starts to walk away.

"Where are you going, Jerr?"

"Why?" He glances at Joe and then Rachel. "I know what you're up to. You want me to leave so you can set up some sort of prank."

"Are you paranoid, Jerr?"

"No, but I know how you think."

Joe chuckles. "I was going to ask if you'd get me a cup of coffee on your way through." He holds up his empty cup.

"Yeah, right, boss." Jerry plops back down at his desk.

Joe laughs "Don't you know by now that I'm not going to get you yet? That I'm going to wait for that perfect moment when you least expect it." The phone rings as if on cue, Jerry jumps.

"Think your imagination is doing the work for me, Jerr." Joe laughs.

"I'll get it, Sergeant." Rachel starts to grab the phone when she sees a mouse run across their desks. Screaming, she pushes her chair away. "Get it guys, get it," she yells.

"It's by your feet, Rachel," Jerry points towards the floor.

Rachel jumps on her chair. She looks over to find her coworkers laughing.

"What's so funny, guys?"

"It's just a toy." Jerry reaches for it. Turning, the mouse runs towards him. "It's real," Jerry screams, jumping on his desk.

"And that's why I'm the king of pranks." Joe laughs scooping the mouse off the floor.

"You just wait, mister, you're going to get it and you too, Jerry," Rachel warns.

"I think we're in for it now, Jerr." Joe snickers.

"Damn right you are."