What Is Love? (iii)

{ARMANDO}

"Yes, I cheated." She repeats, and this is for the third time, unbelievable.

I ask once again, I am surprised, "what? How? Why?" And when she nods her head to me I can see that she is not joking. She laughs and says to me, "why are you surprised? Do you think I can't cheat cheating? Cheating is very simple and anyone can cheat."

"Woah, wait a minute, why are you telling me like it is the best thing you have ever done?" I ask her, she is talking as if she is talking about the weather.

"What do you expect me to say and how do you want me to behave? I killed no one." She says to me and shrugs.

"No, I don't mean that way. It is just that you are talking about it as if you wanted to do it. Like you don't fear admitting that to me, and I am just surprised because I've never seen anyone admitting that they cheated on their loved ones as you have."

I'm really surprised how is she talking like it is nothing, I know of others, and when they say they cheated they normally have strong emotions on their faces and mostly you would see sadness and regrets.

She continues playing with my hair and I think she likes it more than I do and when I am sure the conversation about her and her cheating is over, she tells me, 'of course I regret, and yes I feel bad for cheating but it was long ago. And even if it was not going to be a year ago, we deserve a second chance and after a mistake, we learn from it, and then from there we forgive ourselves and move on. There is no need to stay in one place in your life for long."

That is true, the forgiveness part and the moving on and that is why I am here, to begin with, I wanna move on.

She puts her fingers inside my hair and pulls, it feels so good that I close my eyes, she continues and says, "so that is my love story Armando, I don't have any other."

"Oh," I tell her and she laughs, I look at her and ask, "what is so funny?"

"You see disappointed, what did you expect? That I have a sad story about having no love because I had fallen in love with a guy and then he broke my heart and I cried and cried, and I hate love, I don't want to love again, I don't want to be loved. Yada yada."

"That seems right," I tell her with a smile.

"That is what my love life is or was. He was the best man I've ever been in my life, he was always there for me, he loved and cared for me, and still, I cheated. In short terms, that is what I know about love Armando, what about you?"

Love? What is love?

My mind is blank because I have no idea what to tell her about love, and I think it is because I am not ready to talk to her about my love life or anything related to love. We are not there yet, but once we reach there, I will tell her everything.

Everything? I don't even remember the last time I was in love.

She waves in front of me and says, "you have spaced out, hey it is okay if you don't want to talk about it."

I nod at her with a smile and she goes on and says, "you asked me a question about therapists and if we are hard about showing our emotions. Okay, let me tell you one, mmmh, I want you to imagine this scenario, for example, I am the therapist and you are the patient no wait, I am not calling you the patient, aargh, what I mean is…"

Before she continues I tell her, "Jeez! Go on, of course, I am your patient and there is no problem if you call me that."

She grins and continues, "for example, I am the therapist you are the patient, and then imagine after you have told me something sad I start crying and remember you have been crying too, and now all of us are crying. So instead of me handing you the tissue, you are the one handing me the tissue. How is that?"

I am trying to imagine that scenario and it is really funny, I am imagining holding her and telling her it was going to be okay, and then she continues telling me about how sad she is and the reason why she is sad.

"You are thinking about it?" She asks me.

"Yeah, and it doesn't look good."

She nods and says, "Yes, and I don't want to imagine that because instead of me helping you, you will be the one helping me."

"But I think we have been helping each other and if there is a problem you can tell me right?' I ask her and she nods but it is not genuine, she won't tell me, I continue and tell her, "if you want to cry, you can cry with me."

For a second she stops brushing my hair with her fingers and I look at her and before I can ask if I have offended her she tells me, "are you okay?"

"Yes." I answer her, and for the first time, I truly can feel that I am okay.

"So it is okay if we continue Armando?"

"Yes, sure."

"Why have you stopped?"

"What?" She asks me.

"You have stopped playing with my hair," I tell her, and she giggles. She turns my head so that I can face her and then she says to me, "do you want me to continue playing with your Armando?'

"Yes." I tell her and turn to face the other side.

"Later, so Armando, talk to me about your father."

I raise my head and ask her, "what about my father?"