Chapter 7: Secret Nights

Cuddled up next to Finn on his couch, it was hard for me to not just want to lay there all day with him. Besides our moment alone in the guest house at Heather’s party, that was the first “date” that we’d had in over a month. Since Heather and Mason got engaged, Heather’s been keeping us busy at every possible moment.

Even though there was something thrilling about going against the norm by choosing to date each other, I hadn’t expected our relationship to be this hard.

Towards the beginning, it would physically hurt me to not be near him or grab his hand when we were in a room together. It had been much harder to fake then, and at one point we’d told Heather we’d gotten in a fight just so she didn’t expect us all three to hang out anymore.

We also had the small obstacle of the fact that I still lived with my parents, so date nights at my house were only when Addie, Mom, and Dad were all conveniently away at the same time. Finn had his own apartment, so before Heather got engaged, we spent a lot of time there every day or so, trying to not make it too obvious to everyone that we were constantly lying about where we were going.

I hated lying to the people I cared about. I felt like I was breaking an unspoken vow every time I had to come up with some new and believable excuse to be gone all night. Especially with Heather. She was my best friend who I’d never kept anything from.

Until now.

“What’s on your mind?” Finn’s voice brought me back to reality. I curled into his embrace, staring at the flames that flickered in the fireplace.

“What do you mean?” I asked, as if I wasn’t just lost in thought for an awkwardly long amount of time.

Finn pulled back a little so he could look down at me, concern etched on his face. “Don’t do that. You’re too quiet. What are you thinking about?”

I sighed and silently cursed myself for ruining a perfectly good night with my worrying. “Just us, I guess.”

“What about us?”

I chewed on my lip. I didn’t really knowing how much I wanted to talk about this with him. We’d been together long enough to where we’d had the talks about our relationship and defining it and all that, so I knew he’d be annoyed if I brought it up again.

“Evie, come on,” he insisted, now sitting up even more to look at me. “Talk to me.”

‘Well, he asked for it,’ I thought to myself as I sat up, too.

“I just…I had to lie to Heather again, about where I was tonight,” I said. “She didn’t think anything of me blowing her off, I don’t think, but it still didn’t feel good.”

When Finn just stared at me, expression unchanged, I realized he was waiting for me to go on. I averted my eyes, going over every possible way to say this next part in my head to avoid any argument of any kind.

I took a deep breath. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this, Finn.”

The instant I said it, I wanted to take it back. The way Finn’s face fell and warped into a mixture of sadness and confusion broke my heart.

“Wait, not like that,” I stammered, trying to get ahead of whatever thoughts or emotions were running through his head. “I still want to be with you, Finn.”

His expression softened, and I grabbed his hands in mine.

“Wait, then what did you mean?” Finn asked, his voice but a whisper.

“I just meant the lying,” I responded. “I mean, how much longer until someone realizes something is up? We’ve been making up lies for over a year, and I think it’s a miracle nobody has suspected anything.”

I realized I was wrong as Caleb’s face flashed in my mind and the way he asked if Finn and I were soulmates. Somehow, a random guy I’d just met picked up on something happening between Finn and I quicker than anybody who’d known us both for most of our lives.

I pushed the thoughts of Caleb out of my head. That night wasn’t about him. It was about Finn and me. And about me finally being honest with myself and him.

When I looked at Finn, his eyebrows were creased. “Okay, but what does that mean? We can’t change the fact that nobody knows, Evie,” he said, his tone serious now. “So, we can’t really do anything about that.”

A rush of anger went through me. Does the lying not matter to him at all? Am I the only one being torn up with having to live two separate lives? Was he not tired of all this? And why did he just automatically shut me down, coming to the conclusion we couldn’t do anything?

I tried to shove the anger away. I reminded myself that it was a good night, and I didn’t want to spoil it by arguing with him. “Maybe we can do something, though. Maybe we can just tell people.”

The silence that followed was almost painful. Even the crackle of the small fire wasn’t enough to drown out the lack of any response from Finn. He was staring at me is if trying to gauge if I was pulling a prank on him. Like he couldn’t even read me.

“Hear me out,” I continued, my voice louder in the extra awkward silence. “We obviously don’t have to tell everyone. I know neither of us want to become some news story about non-soulmates deciding to date and how it could disrupt the order in society. But our families, Finn? Don’t they deserve to know the truth? They’ll still love us, even if they don’t understand our decision. And who knows, maybe they’ll even be okay with it,” I finished, trying to add the slightest dash of hope.

Now Finn looked angry. No, even worse, he looked like he didn’t even recognize me.

“You sound crazy, Evie,” he said after another few moments. I tensed at his harsh words, trying to will my eyes not to tear up.

“We’ve already talked about this,” he continued. “It won’t do us any good to come out as a couple. Nobody would understand.”

“You don’t know that!” My voice raised, and even though I knew I should keep it together, it felt like a weight was lifting from my chest. I just couldn’t stop. “Heather already knows I think the system is bullsh*t, and she knows you don’t have a soulmate yet, so would it really be that strange to her?”

Before he can even respond, I keep going. “And even if she was mad, which she probably will be, it’ll be for the lying, not the fact that we’re together!”

“Then what good is it going to do, Evie?” Finn’s voice raised, and I couldn’t stop the tears that welled in my eyes. “If it’s just going to hurt people, why can’t we just keep going as is?” He asked.

“Because it’s hurting me,” I responded, my voice quiet again as I choked back sobs.

Finn’s gaze softened. “Evie…”

“Where can we go if we stay a secret forever, Finn?” I interrupted him before he could say anything that would convince me to stop. “We can’t get married, have kids, have a normal life at all if we just sneak around for the rest of our lives. And honestly, I’m tired of it.”

Finn’s words at the party about marriage not being for him replayed in my head as I tried to read his reaction. He was tense, and he wasn’t looking at me anymore. Instead, he stared down at his hands in his lap.

“Why are we even talking about that stuff, Evie?” He asked, still avoiding my gaze. “That’s so far in the future that it’s pointless to argue about right now.”

I was able to tell by his composure that he was done with the conversation. His body was stiff and pointed away from me.

It felt like all my energy had been drained out of me, and I leaned back on the couch, defeated. But I wasn’t totally done.

“Is it really that crazy to think about?” I asked, attempting to discreetly wipe away the tears on my cheek. I didn’t need him to feel bad for me. Not right then.

He didn’t turn to me as he said, “please don’t give me an ultimatum, Evie.”

“I wasn’t! I was just trying to have a conversation, and you’re the one who’s shutting down,” I replied, the anger making its way back into me.

Finn just shook his head. “I think you should go.”

“Fine,” I said bluntly. I quickly grabbed all my things. I set my expression to be as unreadable as possible, so that if he did look over (which he didn’t), he wouldn’t see how much he got to me.

As I stood and headed toward the front door, I expected him to say something, anything, to stop me from going.

But he didn’t.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t start crying until I got to my car. I made it about halfway down the stairs before that promise was broken.