A Fear Of Dying

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time." Google / Mark Twain

"Dirty Slut? Daisy? I am more like a seasonal tramp at this point. I'm a step or two down from a slut." I shrugged my shoulders as she laughed.

" I suppose you're right." She laughed lightly. "But what do you plan on doing about this serious dilemma? Do you plan on telling Elijah?"

I sighed, "He already knows a little but not everything. I honestly don't think it is necessary to tell him, considering he also kept his affairs secret." I added bitterly.

"Helena! Two wrongs don't make a right. And it does either of you any good to play cat and mouse with each other. Disrespecting the mate bond could have disastrous consequences."

I frowned. Please leave it to Daisy to make this about the bond and us hurting it. She spoke about it as if it were a living, breathing thing. Quite frankly, I was tired of it. I want to get rid of it if it is an actual thing. "Can you break a mate bond?" I asked.

"You can break anything," she let out an impatient sigh, "But why would you want to break it? I thought you loved Elijah?"

"I do. And who said I wanted to end the mate bond with Elijah?" I gazed out the window and contemplated who I wanted to end it with. Elijah was who I started this journey with in this life and in my past. It was always him, but Cal was a problem. He changed his whole perspective on life to appease me. To be worthy of me. And I can't deny that I am attracted to him. "It doesn't matter right now, though. I will cross that bridge when I get there. Where is Elijah anyway?" I wondered.

I've been up for a while and haven't seen him. Didn't he miss me, or maybe he knows some shit happened while I was out in dreamland. Nonetheless, I couldn't help being shocked and hurt by his absence. How selfish I could be to demand his undying loyalty and love when I'm also walking a thin line between unfaithful and faithful.

"He is currently meeting with the surrounding packs to discuss our little witch problem as well as you," Daisy said while her lips curled back.

I perked up, " What about me?" What do they want to know?" My anxiety rose a notch.

" Helena, I don't think you understand how rare you are. There have always been rumors about humans that a God or Goddess kissed, but no one has ever seen one. And if they have been seen, more than likely they are killed for their blood."

"What? Do these packs want to kill me?"

She paused, " Not that we know of. But power is a strong motivation for betrayal. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Do you honestly think we would let anything happen to you?"

I wasn't so worried about myself, but the thought of any of them dying to protect me, again, truly bothered me. Was I ready to become a martyr because of my belief that supernatural creatures and humans could mix? Or was I prepared to die because of who I am and what I am? Whatever path to death I would take, I wanted to take it alone.

"No, but doesn't this put you guys at risk as well? And now Elijah has a massive target on his back. Who's to say they won't go after me to get to him or vice versa? This is a big cluster fuck if you ask me." I took a deep breath and wiped the nonexistent sweat from my forehead.

"It is his choice, and he has already made it. We already told you that we would die to protect you, Luna. You might as well accept it and fight with us." She shrugged her shoulders.

Her carefree attitude was beginning to annoy me. Did no one care about their own lives? Didn't they have something to live for other than honor and glory?

"Seriously, you guys do not see a problem with this? It would be best if you didn't have to put your lives at risk because of me. Elijah has died once because of this, and I don't want anyone else to die. Don't you see, Daisy? It might be in everyone's best interest if I disappear. If no one can find me, then there is no reason to desire or fear me."

As I thought about it, perhaps running away was a better solution than becoming a martyr. I don't know if I feared death because I had already experienced it before, but I certainly wanted a chance to live my whole life. To grow old and be surrounded by all my friends and family. It's funny that the life I envisioned for myself gradually slipped through my fingers.

She sighed. "Helena, I think that you're overthinking things. This is just what it is. There is no reason to fight fate. You were destined to be what you are, and we were destined to protect you. It is as the Moon Goddess wants it."

I waved my hands in the air, " And this is what I am talking about. All of you act as if we have no choice but to participate in this bullshit. I don't like playing with my life or anyone's life, for that matter. I can choose whether or not I want to drag anyone down this spiraling hill. Just because I have a supernatural link to a Goddess doesn't mean that it has to define me or my actions." I paused, "We were already promised trouble from the day we were born. Why would anyone want to add on to that?" I whispered more to myself.

Daisy got up and started pacing the room with an angry, impatient look attached to her face. I knew she meant well. I was too distracted with my thoughts to focus on her ramblings. They all said they would protect me, but what if they didn't have to choose?

"Are you listening to me, girl? Daisy yelled.

"I'm sorry; what were you saying?" I half-heartedly replied.

"You keep talking like we don't have a choice. In the same way, you can choose, we could too. And we choose to fight alongside you. I also think you're being a little selfish. You are so hung up on the dying part that you forget why we're putting our lives on the line. In the first place."

"Selfish? What in the world are you talking about?" I recoiled shock from her statement.

"This is more than just about you, your mates, or your power. People should be able to love who they want to love and be who they want to be, and they definitely shouldn't be hunted because they have power. Think about the descendants before you and those who might come after you. We're fighting for you and the right to live and love freely."

She was right. Everyone deserved to live a life of freedom, didn't they? Others died before me, and I wasn't sure, but who's to say there wouldn't be any descendants after me? They definitely wouldn't be safe if anyone found them if there was. But what in the hell could I do? How can I simultaneously stop the war and save the packs and my love life?

"Calm down, Daisy. I understand what you are saying, but things are more complex than you think they are. What if you didn't have to choose to fight? What if the solution for everyone to be safe in the present and future is for me to leave?"

Although I understood better why they wanted to fight, I wouldn't say I liked the outcome to become that. Couldn't we solve this without it becoming a full-out war?

"Do you think that your leaving would work, Helena? Please don't worry. Girl, you're special and will need protection no matter what you think, even if you weren't a human involved with a wolf. The witches know who you are, and so does every other creature within a 100-mile radius. Soon the entire supernatural world will know a human is running around kissed by the Goddess who can suck energy from others. Not to mention your blood will make any creature a hundred times stronger than they were. You still don't even know how to unlock whatever power you have."

Her explanation only fueled my desire to want to leave.

"That's just it. I don't want to unlock any more power. I have killed two people in less than 24 hours, and believe me, as much as they wanted to do me harm, I didn't want to kill them. I have to live every day knowing that I took someone's life. It's a dark stain on my soul, and I'm not sure I want to live with this every day."

Daisy came to sit back down on the bed next to me. She grabbed my shoulders, "Helena, trust me, I know how you feel. I have killed before as well." I gasped. "I never wanted you to know, but now you need to know. I didn't enjoy it, but it's either be killed or do the killing yourself. You have the right to protect yourself by any means necessary. If they don't want to die, then they shouldn't fuck with you. That's my take on it."

I paused. " I guess if that is how you feel, then good for you. I can't accept this so lightly. I need to find a way to save them from themselves if I have to."

"Yeah, we'll keep trying until the end. We're not giving up on you. You're our Luna, and we must protect you. And we will die for you if we have to." She proudly stated.

"Is it not my duty to protect you as well?" I asked.

I didn't want to add the dying part. I believed she knew I was willing to die for any of them. When I died in my past life, there was no regret, fear, or pain as my death was foreseen. But this go around, I really feared it. Maybe it was because I hadn't fully lived yet in this life. I was unsure of the reason, and I wanted too badly to talk with Elijah. Who else would be able to understand these feelings if not him?

Daisy laughed. "Yes, I suppose it is. You protect me; I protect you."

"Agreed." I sighed, " I'm going to go find Elijah." I got up, headed for the door, and turned back, "Thanks for always being a good friend, Daisy."

"Forever and a day." She replied.