Lights, Sticks, Action!!

(Episode starts with James and Jen in Jen's dorm)

James: Look what I got Jen! *smiles*

Jen: You finally grew chest hair?

James: No!

(James looks down on his shirt)

James: *sadly* no….

Jen: You got a girlfriend?

James: This is no time for jokes Jen. I got this super rare and very expensive candy all the way from Japan!

(James shows Jen the box)

Jen: Really? You spent all your savings on candy from Japan?

James: Yeah, isn't it great? *smiles*

Jen: Wow you're stupid.

(James takes a piece and eats it)

(There's a knock on the door)

Jen: I got it!

(Jen opens the door and Luke and GWC walk inside)

Luke: Hey lady friend!

GWC: Sup.

(Jen closes the door)

Jen: What do you two want?

(James looks down and his day has just been ruined)

Luke: We wanted to speak with James!

James: What is it Luke?

Luke: Ah James! We were looking all over campus for you. Obviously, we busted through your door but you weren't there!

GWC: You might wanna get that door replaced.

(James rolls his eyes)

GWC: James, we need you.

James: No.

Luke: Please James, GWC and I need your help. We're trying to make a movie for our film class.

James: I'm not paying for it.

Luke: Don't be silly James. You're not gonna pay for the movie yet, we need you to star in it.

GWC: Chad is going to be in it.

(Silence)

James: Was that supposed to persuade me?

GWC: Come on James, we need your help so we can get a good grade. Luke already ate one of the cameras and we lost a good portion of our footage.

Jen: Why?

GWC: Don't question it.

James: No

GWC: Please.

James: No

GWC: Please.

James: Alright fine.

Luke: Yay. We're going to wait for you out at the park. Bye *smiles*

(GWC and Luke leave, James still eating his candy)

James: My day is ruined, not even Asian candy can make me feel better. (James walks away)

(Awkward silence)

Jen: What just happened?

(Scene changes to the park, Chad and James are wearing cowboy outfits. There's a film crew. Some have cameras, boom mics, and boxes of props)

James: I look like an idiot.

Chad: Luke, why are we wearing such tasteless outfits?

(A crane lowers down, Luke is sitting on the directors chair. Luke is wearing a beret, an ascot, sunglasses and a brown trench coat. Luke is holding a bullhorn)

Luke: It's my vision. It's my magnum opus. It's everything I've been working on.

GWC: It's everything WE'VE been working on!

(GWC walks on set carrying a heavy box filled with junk. He drops it)

Luke: GWC, I told you not to interrupt me when I'm talking with my actors.

GWC: First of all, they're our friends not our actors. And second, this is a student film not a blockbuster.

Luke: (looks at Chad and James) Give us a second okay.

Chad: Sure?

(Chad and James walk away)

Luke: GWC, you are just the producer. What gives you the right to interrupt me when I'm informing our cast about our movie?

GWC: Producer? Movie? Bro we are just making a project for our film class. We're not making a cinematic universe!

(Bruce and Eddy walk to Luke and GWC)

Bruce: Uh, Luke I have a question.

Luke: *groans* What is it Bruce?

Eddy: So we were looking through the script and-

Bruce: Why is Eddy cool guy number 1 and I'm cool guy number 2?!!!!

GWC: That's your question?

Bruce: YES!!! I deserve to be cool guy number 1!! You guys know me for the longest!!

Luke: You're really upset over this?

Eddy: Yeah, I can't believe it either.

GWC: Dude, none of you guys have any dialogue. You're just extras in the movie.

Bruce: No, I demand that you switch the roles immediately!

Luke: Security!!!

Bruce and Eddy: Security?

(Veinsaw grabs them both by the neck)

Luke: Ah Veinsaw can you please remove these two gentlemen off set.

Veinsaw: Yes sir! (Veinsaw walks away holding Bruce and Eddy)

(James and Chad walk up to Luke again)

Chad: Hey buddy, we just realized, why are we pretending to be cowboys in the middle of the park?

Luke: It's my vision!

James: No seriously.

GWC: We couldn't afford to film in a dessert so we have to do the next big thing.

Chad: You could've at least tried to make it look like a western town.

Luke: Silly Chad. Why do you think I brought this tumbleweed (Luke holds a tumbleweed)

Chad: *happily* well then!

(Scene changes showing Chad and James "acting" in the middle of the park, while Luke continuously throws tumbleweed)

Chad: *cowboy voice* What are you doing here, partner? *spits on the ground*

James: *cowboy voice* I'm here to take back what's mine. *cocks gun*

Chad: *cowboy voice* Then go ahead and take it *cocks gun*

Luke: CUT!!!

(The film crew stop filming)

Luke: That was great guys.

James: But we didn't even finish our lines.

Luke: Yeah I know.

Chad: Then after that we were supposed to have a draw.

Luke: Yeah I know. We couldn't afford that, all the budget went into getting an actual film crew.

James: (raises eyebrow) How much money did you even spend on this?

Luke: There wasn't enough in your credit card James, you should know.

James: WHAT?! (James checks his bank balance) No I wonder I couldn't afford that muffin.

(James walks away)

Chad: So you used James' money as the budget?

Luke: That is correct! *smiles* So now we have to be practical.

(Luke pulls out bb guns out of his bookbag)

Luke: Some of the best movies require little to no CGI. So we have to use the real thing.

Chad: *concerned* Is this safe?

Luke: Nope. *smiles*

(Chad walks away, GWC walks up to Luke)

GWC: We have a problem!

Luke: Did our stunt man break another arm? *groans* Man that's our fifth stunt man this week!

GWC: No! It's not that. Apparently the actresses don't like the fact that you're deliberately giving them no food to eat just so they can look the part.

(Luke places his hand on GWC's shoulder)

Luke: GWC, GWC, GWC, we are making a movie-

GWC: *quietly* student film

Luke: And I'm trying to push my actors so they could give us the best performance imaginable.

GWC: Wow, you sound like such a jerk.

Luke: I'm a director. I know what I can and cannot do. If I need to starve my actress so they can be better than that's a risk I'm willing to take. Besides, the word director comes from dictator.

(Trixie walks up to Luke)

Trixie: Luke I'm hungry, the girls and I can't work like this.

Luke: Oh my!! GWC, get these girls some food!

GWC: How? There isn't a snack table anywhere on set.

Luke: Don't worry. I'll order something for delivery.

(Luke pulls out his phone)

Luke: Veinsaw! Give me James' credit card. I'm gonna order a feast! *smiles*

(Scene changes showing Chad, James in the empty cafeteria)

(Luke walks up)

Luke: So in this scene, Chad you'll have to break some bad news to James. James, just look miserable like you always do. Okay, just say your lines and we'll be done.

Chad: Why are we in the school's cafeteria?

Luke: Silly Chad. This isn't a cafeteria. This is the saloon. That's why Zack is in the corner wearing a cowboy hat. We tried our best to make it look like an actual saloon.

(Zack is in the corner)

Zack: I was informed that there was gonna be free food here.

(Luke's phone rings)

Luke: Hello?

(Inaudible phone call)

Luke: No! You stupid woman! I said put the snakes inside the barrels!! Not in the Cage!!! You're WORTHLESS!!!

(Inaudible phone call)

Luke: No, shut it! You're fired!!!!

(Luke hangs up)

Chad: Who was that?

Luke: My mom, she can't do anything right. *sigh* Now I need someone to replace her.

(Mel walks by)

Mel: Hey James. *smiles*

James: Oh hi Mel. *smiles*

Mel: Hey, you left your ointment in our dorm last night. (Mel hands James his ointment)

James: Is nothing private anymore?

Luke: Hey Mel, would you like a job?

Mel: Not really. I have cheerleader practice after my last class.

Luke: Great! You're hired!

Mel: I just said no.

Luke: I'm gonna need you to put the snakes back in the barrel. Chop, chop.

(Luke walks away)

Mel: What is wrong with him?

James: No one knows.

(Luke sits back on his director chair)

Luke: (yells through bullhorn) Action!

Chad: *southern accent* Listen Mark, I have some bad news to tell you.

James: *southern accent* What is it Johnny?

Chad: *southern accent* Your wife. She… she passed on.

James: *southern accent* I-

Luke: CUT!! (Luke walks up to James)

Luke: James what was that?

James: What was what? I didn't even get to finish saying my line? You interrupted me before the scene even had the chance to start.

Luke: You didn't say it correctly. Your line is "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

James: *angrily* I was gonna say that you idiot! You didn't give me the chance to finish it.

Luke: Don't argue with me! Just say your line correctly.

(Luke walks back to his director chair)

Luke: ACTION! And don't screw this up James!

Chad: *southern accent* Listen Mark, I have some bad news to tell you.

James:

Luke: CUT! (Luke walks up to James again)

James: Now what?

Luke: You didn't say your line! Why not?

James: Because in your "magnumopus" of a script there is a pause between the lines.

Luke: Don't point out my flaws in the script that I clearly have full creative control. Just say your lines correctly!

(Luke walks back to his director chair)

(James looks at Chad)

James: What is going on with him?

Chad: You're asking this question now?

Luke: ACTION!

Chad: *southern accent* Li-

Luke: CUT! (Luke walks up to James) James! Say your lines correctly!

James: I'm out of here. (James leaves the set)

Chad: Am I doing good?

Luke: Of course Chad. You might win an Oscar after this.

(Scene changes to Chad's dorm where he is hosting another crazy party)

Jen: Nice party Chad. You never disappoint.

Chad: Why thank you Jen.

Andrew: This is one wild party bro. Back in Russia we didn't have parties like this.

Chad: I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

(A crane lowers down and shows Luke sitting on his director chair wearing his directors outfit)

Chad: Luke?

Luke: Hey Chad.

Chad: How and when did you install this crane in my dorm room?

Luke: Don't worry about it. Listen Chad, I wanted to tell you that this party is so lit. Trust me, I gotta practice for the premiere of my new movie.

Chad: Thank you?

Luke: Anyways, tell James that his next scene involves venomous snakes. Tell him so he can prepare his credit card for his hospital bill. Okay bye. *smiles* (Crane rises Luke back up)

Chad: I should probably warn James.

Katrina: Hey Chad, the pizza man just arrived.

Chad: Ooh food. (Chad walks away)

(Scene changes to Professor Fin's class)

Finn: So I finished grading your calculus test. Let's just say that not many of you have passed the test. When I call your name please walk up and get your test back.

Finn: Jen.

(Jen walks up)

Finn: Congratulations you were one of the two students who passed. Have a good day.

Jen: Don't tell me what to do. (Jen sits back down)

Finn: Okay then? Luke.

(A crane lowers down. Luke is sitting on his director's chair. Luke grabs the test and rises back up without saying a word)

Finn: How did he…? Whatever. James.

(Silence)

Finn: James?

(Silence)

Finn: Has anyone seen James?

(Chad raises his hand)

Chad: Professor. James is at the hospital because he got bitten by several venomous snakes.

Finn: Let me guess. Luke was responsible.

Luke: It's my vision!!

GWC: Bro, you almost killed him!

Luke: The doctors said he has a twenty percent chance of living.

Finn: I'm calling the cops.

(Scene Changes to the park once again, now the park is covered in sand)

Luke: Okay, I'm gonna have Chad and James standing right there in the middle. I'm gonna need Emile and Andrew riding on horses by the five minute mark and then-

GWC: Where on Earth did you manage to get horses?

Luke: *smiles* Veinsaw and I went to the zoo last night and we manage to-

GWC: Stop, I don't want to know anymore.

(Jen runs up to Luke)

Jen: We have a slight problem.

Luke: *angrily* Oh come on. I can't have one relaxing day on set? There's always something that comes awry. It's always "oh no James got bitten by snakes" or "Luke, we're hungry" does nobody care what I want? You don't think I have wants or needs? I want this movie to win an Oscar but I can't because there's always something going wrong!!\

Jen: Uh, is something wrong?

Luke: Yes. There is! Do you know how long it took for me and my pal to steal all that sand and horses? We almost got arrested, again.

Jen: Luke?

Luke: Leave me be please.

(Jen walks away confused)

GWC: Luke, what the balls? You're acting like a tool.

Luke: You don't understand GWC, directing takes time, sweat and tears. Nobody here on set is taking this product seriously but me.

GWC: What! What am I a mushroom? I was the one who bought you those props

(GWC points at a box filled with junk)

GWC:I was the one who made those ugly cowboy costumes.

(Points at Chad and James wearing the cowboy outfits)

Chad: How was your doctor's visit?

James: *shudders* so… many… tubes.

GWC: And I'm the one that provided you with this horrible idea.

(Silence)

Luke: So basically you wanna be selfish?

(GWC's face turn red in anger)

Luke: Alright people let's shoot a scene! (Luke sits on his chair)

Chad: You know your lines?

James: Doesn't matter if I do. The director is an idiot.

Luke: Action!

Chad: *southern accent* Well that's all I have for the time Mark.

James: *southern accent* Do you have to go so soon Johnny?

(Chad gets on his horse)

Chad: *southern accent* Why yes my dear friend. Every good thing must come to an end.

(The horse takes off, Chad falls off and gets trampled by two other horses)

Luke: CUT! CUT! CUT! There wasn't enough feeling.

Chad: RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING PAIN YOU BI-

James: Okay this is stupid.

Luke: CUT!! (Luke walks up to James) that's not your line!

James: Bro I don't care. I am so confused as to what this movie is even about.

Luke: It's my vi-

James: Your vision is stupid and very confusing. Does this movie even have a plot?

Chad: *weakly* Yeah I must agree with James this time.

Luke: *GASP* Blasphemy!

Chad: Not only does this movie make no sense but it also feels unfinished and painful. Are we not going to explain where all this sand even came from?

Luke: No, we shouldn't explain things that are not necessary.

James: Bro! This whole movie is stupid! And the fact that you used my credit card as the budget for this trash film makes me angry!! I THINK I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS! AAAAHHH

(James grabs Luke's bullhorn)

Luke: Hey you can't take my bullhorn that I bought using your money!

James: Listen all of you!

(The film crew looks at James)

James: Do any of you know what the film is about?

(Not a single person raises their hand)

James: Better question. Has Luke even paid you?

(No one raises their hand)

Random guy: That bum is broke!

Chad: You weren't paying your crew Luke?

Luke: James didn't have enough money.

(James gets visibly angry)

James: You little tool!

(James charges at Luke but Chad grabs him by his shirt collar)

James: Let me at 'em! Let me kill him!

Luke: James! You're so angry now. We could've used that for our earlier scenes.

Chad: Luke stop, you're fueling the fire.

(James Stops)

James: You know what. I don't care what film you're making but I quit.

Luke: Oh no you you're not. You signed a contract.

James: Bro, your "contract" was written on an empty box of "Lake Flakes" cereal. (James walks away)

Luke: *angrily* Who needs that guy?

Chad: Luke, you're far gone.

Luke: No Chad, it's called art.

Chad: Dude, unless you fix your problem I'm afraid that I can no longer help you. (Chad walks away)

Bruce: I'm leaving too. How can I possibly build my acting career if I have no lines? Also… this movie should've starred me. (Bruce walks away)

Emile: I needed screen time. Peace. (Emile walks off)

Jen: Usually I think you're the cool one, but now you're being a jerk. (Jen walks off)

(The whole crew walks off leaving Luke by himself in the middle of the sand covered park, GWC walks up to his friend)

GWC: Luke. Were you seriously not paying your crew?

Luke: No, Why should I? I'm the one doing most of the work.

GWC: Bro, you're usually in the back playing on the Gintendo Glitch. You barely do anything.

Luke: Doesn't matter, we can still get this movie done.

GWC: Dude, we have no actors now. How are we gonna possibly finish this project?

(Rocky walks up to Luke and GWC)

Rocky: I can help! I love acting! *smiles*

(Luke and GWC look at each other)

Luke: On second thought, I think we have enough footage.

GWC: I agree.

(Luke and GWC run off, leaving Rocky alone)

Rocky: I'm not surprised.

(Scene Changes showing Chad and James in James' dorm)

(Chad has an ice bag over his head)

Chad: I can't believe I wasted my time doing Luke's stupid movie.

James: Yeah, well it's over. I can still taste the venom.

Chad: How was it actually?

James: Oh it was nice. I love the part where they opened me up and removed several of my organs because they were toxic and unusable.

Chad: Unusable? What does that mean?

Jame: I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

(Luke barges in the room wearing a tuxedo)

Luke: Get up, you Oscar worthy actors. We must depart to the main building.

(GWC also enters, he looks down ashamed)

James: *calmly* Aw man! I just replaced that door. I need to barricade that door next time.

Chad: Luke what are you wearing?

Luke: Chad, I'm obviously wearing a tuxedo.

Chad: I can see that, but why?

GWC: Luke is being stupid again. *whispers* run.

Luke: I am dressed for the occasion. I just finished editing our movie and I had to beg the chief executive of the school to play our movie in the main building.

(scene briefly changes showing the chief executive tied up in the Janitor's closet)

(Scene goes back to the crew)

GWC: I haven't seen our film but I'm sure it turned out great.

James: Can you at least tell us what the movie is about.

Luke: I will tell after the premiere.

James and Chad: Premier?

Luke: Yes! Our friends are waiting for us in the main building.

GWC: Look out the window.

(James and Chad look out the window and see the main building with a crowd of people and paparazzi. There is spotlights and a red carpet)

Chad: How did you? Never mind that, Luke all you did was make a crappy student film. How did you-

Luke: Enough talk. Now are you gonna keep asking questions or are you gonna join GWC and I at the premiere?

James: Luke, we don't even have tuxedos.

(Luke pulls out two suits out of his pockets)

James: I was afraid you'll do that.

(James and Chad change)

Luke: Now, let's go. Our audience is waiting for us. Also our limo driver is waiting for us.

Chad: Our what?

(Luke, GWC, Chad and James walk out of the building and see a large white limbo)

Chad: Dude! How did you even afford this?

Luke: I used James' debit card.

(James looks sad)

James: Is nothing I own private anymore?

(Luke, GWC, Chad and James enter the limbo)

Luke: Veinsaw please take us to our destination.

Veinsaw: *grunts*

Chad: Veinsaw has a license?

Luke: Nope.

James: It's nice to meet you sir.

Veinsaw: Do you know what color your guts are?

James: No…?

Veinsaw: I do.

James: Cool, are you a surgeon?

(Chad pulls James back)

Chad: Maybe you shouldn't talk to him.

(The limo moves two feet and the crew are at their destination, the crew step out)

(Cameras are flashing, people are asking for autographs, and the crew walk down the red carpet)

Luke: Thank you for joining me to watch my movie.

GWC: Our!

Luke: Hush GWC, stop being selfish. Now let's watch my movie! YEAH!!!! (Luke runs inside the building)

James: That boy worries me.

(Scene changes inside the main building, it now looks like a movie theater. Everyone sits down, the crew sit in the same row)

Chad: Are you excited James?

James: No.

(The lights dim down and the movie starts)

(The screen is black.)

Chad: *cowboy voice* What are you doing here, partner? *spits on the ground*

James: *cowboy voice* I'm here to take back what's mine. *cocks gun*

Chad: *cowboy voice* Then go ahead and take it *cocks gun*

GWC: Luke?

Luke: Yes?

GWC: Why is the screen black?

Luke: I don't know, I asked that same question when I was editing it.

GWC: Luke? Did you take the lens cap off when we were recording?

Luke: What's a lens cap?

Chad: *whispers* Wait, so you're telling me that you filmed an entire movie without taking off the cap!

James: Luke you're an idiot.

Luke: Relax, it's called minimalist.

GWC: Luke! Who wants to watch a movie that is pitch black?

(The audience is in confusion)

Luke: Relax, it doesn't stay black.

(The screen later changes showing James getting bit by several poisonous snakes)

James: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! GET 'EM OFF GET 'EM OFF!!!!

Chad: Luke call an ambulance!!

(Luke is seen ordering a pizza.)

James: You filmed me getting attacked by the snakes?

Luke: I had to. This film is a dark comedy.

GWC: Since when?

Luke: Sshh.

Chad: He has a point, dark comedies are usually pretty raw.

(The audience is laughing. Jen is laughing the hardest)

Jen: Oh that's comedy gold.

Bruce: You said it babe.

Jen: *Immediately stops laughing* Don't call me that.

(Screen shows Chad getting run over by a horse)

Luke: CUT! CUT! CUT! There wasn't enough feeling.

Chad: RIGHT NOW I'M FEELING PAIN YOU BI-

Chad: You filmed me getting run over by the horse?

Luke: I had to.

James: *mocking Chad* Dark comedies are usually pretty raw.

(Screen shows Luke arguing with James and Chad)

Chad: Not only does this movie make no sense but it also feels unfinished. Are we not going to explain where all this sand even came from?

Luke: No, we shouldn't explain things that are not necessary.

James: Bro! This whole movie is stupid! And the fact that you used my credit card as the budget for this trash film makes me angry!! I THINK I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS! AAAAHHH

(James grabs Luke's bullhorn)

Luke: Hey you can't take my bullhorn that I bought using your money!

GWC: Luke! You left the part where you were arguing with James and Chad?

Luke: Yes, this film is now a video vlog.

(Chad facepalms)

James: Why are you changing the genre?

Luke: It's my vision.

(The movie ends)

(The audience applause)

Jen: That was an amazing film!

Rocky: The best film I ever saw!

Zack: Bravo! Bravo!

Bruce: Cool Guy number 2 stole the show!

(Luke walks up to the stage)

Luke: Thank you. Thank you! I am so glad you all enjoyed my motion picture. You see, this film was a documentary.

James, Chad, GWC: SINCE WHEN!!

Luke: I wanted to show the audience what happened behind the scenes, the struggle, the arguments, the pain, I wanted all of you to see that. Filmmaking isn't a piece of cake but rather a commitment. The movie was based on a stubborn director who pushed his crew to the very end, but by the end he realizes that all he needed was friendship.

GWC: Okay, I have no idea what he's on?

James: Is he crying?

Chad: He's acting like he just won an academy award.

Luke: But I Couldn't have done this film without the help of my closest friends.

(Luke pulls out a card out of his shirt pocket)

Luke: I want the following to come up to the stage. Chad.

(Chad gets up)

Luke: My best friend, GWC.

(GWC stands up)

Luke: And cool guy number 1.

(Eddy stands up)

James and Bruce: WHAT!?

Luke: Oh and you I suppose.

(James stands up)

(The four walk up to the stage)

Luke: Without these four talented actors I don't think this film would have turned out the way it did. But most importantly I want to say "I'm sorry". I'm sorry guys.

Chad: Don't sweat it kid.

Eddy: Yeah, no worries. You just did your job.

GWC: I still think you're a loser but I accept your apology.

James: Don't look at me.

(The four hug Luke and the audience cheers)

(Scene changes showing Luke, Chad, GWC and James in Chad's dorm)

Chad: So did you guys pass?

GWC: No.

Luke: But on the Brightside we did win this Oscar. (Luke places the Oscar on Chad's shelf)

James: Hold up.

(James gets a closer look)

James: "An Academy Awrad for Best Actor. Congratulations Tom Hanks"?

Luke: Yeah, what's the problem?

James: Bro, Award is spelled wrong, and this award is for someone else.

Luke: Ohhhhh, so that's why I found it in that shady looking alley way.

(Episode ends, Now get out)