RELATIONSTICKS

(Scene opens up with Jen in the library with Emile and GWC)

(Jen is using her phone)

Jen: Bro! Just leave me alone already!

Emile: Is it James?

Jen: No it's not!

GWC: Luke?

Jen: No you monkey! I'm talking about Bruce! This guy has been messaging me non stop! I received fourteen text messages today in the past hour.

(Jen's phone dings)

Jen: fifthteen!

Emile: If it's bothering you so much just block that guy.

Jen: I can't do that. That's mean.

GWC: Yeah, it's fitting for you. You look like the type of girl who would do such a thing.

Jen: That's true but it's no fun when all my anger is targeted at one guy. I need to balance it out, ya know?

GWC: Wow, you sound so unlikeable right now.

(Bruce walks by)

Bruce: Hey guys! How's it going? *looks at Jen* Hello there my lady. How are you? I messaged you numerous times today but you never responded to any of my texts. I was starting to get worried.

(Jen facepalms)

Jen: Bruce…

(Bruce pulls out a terrible looking teddy bear. The bear has a missing eye, patches and a weird blue stain on its fur. He hands it to Jen)

Bruce: I want you to have this.

GWC: That looks so unsanitary.

Emile: Bro you need to burn that thing.

Jen: Thank you Bruce? This is one unique and gross gift I ever received.

Bruce: I knew you'll like it.

Jen: And why did you give me this health hazard?

Bruce: It's for our one month anniversary. I also planned our next date! It's the same place I got blasted with a meatball cannon ball.

Emile: Meatball cannon ball?

GWC: It's a long story, Emile. One that involves mutated vegetables.

Jen: Bruce I-

Bruce: Well I have to get going. I have a history test to fail. Until we meet again babe!

(Bruce runs off)

Jen: Don't call me that you pillock!

(Emile and GWC look at Jen)

GWC: You're really bad at saying no.

Jen: You don't say.

(Scene changes showing Jen, Trixie, Katrina and May at their dorm room)

(Jen places the bear on her nightstand)

May: Dude, throw that piece of garbage out of here. It smells horrible!

Katrina: Like that thing is melting my nostrils. Hashtag kill me.

Trixie: I agree, it smells like May's meatloaf.

(May looks at Trixie)

Trixie: But it tastes so good.

(May pulls out her coin)

May: Heads you'll live. Tails I'll throw you out the window.

(May flips her coin but Jen grabs it)

Jen: May, it's too early to threaten Trixie. I'm trying to find a way to flake Bruce without breaking his pathetic heart.

Trixie: That's a loaded sentence. Just tell Bruce to bother someone else.

Katrina: You've been doing this for a month now. Just tell him to leave you alone.

Jen: But that's mean. I can't do that to a poor, pathetic, annoying man.

May: I don't know chick, you seem to be really good at that.

Katrina: To be honest, Bruce isn't that bad. Sure he's pathetic and weird and annoying and clingy and creepy and…. What were we talking about again?

(A knock is heard)

Jen: I got it.

(Jen walks to the door and opens it and sees Bruce)

Bruce: Hey Jen!

Jen: Oh dear god. What do you want?

Bruce: I just wanted to know if you wanted to go down to the cafe today. Mel is preparing our coffees. I told her it was a special occasion.

Trixie: Awwww. That's so cute!

(Jen looks back at Trixie with pitch black eyes)

(Trixie passes out)

Jen: Bruce can I talk to you in private?

Bruce: Sure anything for you my love.

(Jen gags, Jen and Bruce walk out to the hallway)

Jen: Bruce you need to stop.

Bruce: Stop with what? *Bruce smells his armpits* I've been using the same body spray every day.

Jen: No it's not that terrible stench.

Bruce: Is it the sunglasses? I told you, I can't take them off.

Jen: No! It's not that!

Bruce: Oh I see, you don't want to go to Fish and Teps. It's fine, we can order Chinese Food if you don't want to eat rice and tap water.

Jen: Oh my God Bruce, you're an idiot! It's not that at all! The problem is you! You need to stop this, all of this! We are not dating and we will never date!

(Katrina, May and Trixie stick their heads out of the door)

Jen: So please do me a favor and leave me alone!

(Bruce is stunned, he's not mad or sad he's just standing there, menacingly. Jk.)

Bruce: Oh… okay. *sigh* I'm sorry.

(Bruce walks away, his head is down)

Katrina: Dude what the heck was that?

Jen: What? He pushed me over the edge, and besides you Barbie dolls kept telling me to be assertive.

Katrina: Yes but you totally broke his heart.

Trixie: You could've just brushed him off nicely.

Jen: Look, just leave me alone.

(Jen walks off)

Trixie: You guys wanna go shopping?

May: Yeah. Why not?

Katrina: That totally sounds fun.

(Scene changes showing the Spedteers in Luke's dorm)

Chad: Look I'm telling you, we should totally go ride Devil's Paradise again. It was fire the first time.

James: Yeah I guess but I rather not wait another three hours just to get whiplashed.

Luke: James is right for once. If we're gonna ride another roller coaster we need to find one that will permanently give us scoliosis.

(James and Chad look at Luke)

Luke: What?

James: Sometimes I wonder if your mom dropped you by accident when you were a child.

Luke: James don't say that. Who said she stopped doing that?

(A knock is heard)

Luke: Coming!

(No one moves)

Luke: I said coming!

(No one moves)

Luke: What don't they understand? (Luke breaks down his own door)

(Bruce is standing there looking sad)

Chad: Hey Bruce.

Bruce: hey….

(Awkward silence)

Chad: You good?

Bruce: not really.

Luke: What happened Bruce?

Bruce: Jen…

(The crew roll their eyes)

James: What about Jen? (James raises his eyebrow)

Bruce: she… wants nothing to do with me…

Chad: I mean it was pretty obvious that she didn't like you like that bro.

Luke: I think everyone on Earth knew.

Bruce: But I don't understand. How come she stuck around so long? I feel used.

(James facepalms)

James: You did that to yourself honestly.

Bruce: How? I tried doing everything I could. I gave her attention, I paid for her meals, and I bought her a new guitar.

Luke: I got this.

(Luke gently shoved Chad away)

Luke: I'm gonna keep it real with you Bruce.

(Luke slaps the crud out of Bruce)

Luke: Listen, fruit cake! Just because you do these nice and unwanted tasks doesn't mean that Jen owes you anything!

(Luke slaps Bruce again)

Luke: You understand me!

(Bruce is frightened)

Bruce: Yes sir!

Luke: Shut up.

(Chad pulls Luke back)

Chad: Thank you Luke? That's one way of helping Bruce understand.

(James hands Bruce an ice pack)

Chad: But Luke has a point. You have to move on and find someone who likes you genuinely. Jen wasn't meant for you.

Bruce: Right. (Bruce touches his cheek)

James: Does it hurt?

Bruce: Badly. *cries*

(Scene changes showing the Spedteers in the cafe with their friends, Luke, GWC, Emile and Chad are playing Mario kart)

Emile: Luke, I swear if you knock me off I'll-

(Luke proceeds to bomb Emile off the track)

(Emile is visibly angry)

Luke: Come on Emile, don't get a short fuse. HA! LUKE PUN!

Jen: So I was thinking about writing a new song for this upcoming party.

(James groans)

James: Another bloody party?

Chad: Yes James, I must host the most wild parties WillStick university has ever seen!

Luke: Chad how come you don't let me perform at your parties again?

Chad: Bro last time you performed almost sixty percent of my guests left immediately after your fist lyric.

Jen: So I was thinking about-

(Jen looks across the cafe and sees Bruce talking to a random girl)

James: Um… Jen… *Snaps fingers* Did you just malfunction?

Luke: Jen probably has writer's block.

GWC: She didn't even start writing.

(Chad pauses the game)

Chad: Jen. Are you alright?

Jen: Is that Bruce over there?

(Everyone turns around)

Emile: Yup that's him alright. And he's talking to that person.

Jen: I can see that you butt muncher, but why? Bruce has no game.

Luke: Oh, after you finally broke his heart for good the three of us decided to help by giving Bruce some advice. Ya know, you shattered his heart to pieces. He's just a kid.

Jen: Man, I wish I could hear what they're saying.

Luke: Fret not civilian, I have just what you need.

(Luke digs in his pockets and pulls out a terrible looking headset and a microphone attached to megaphone, he forceful puts the headset on Jen)

Jen: Thank you Luke? Is this stupid thing safe?

Luke: *laughs* Is it safe? Oh Jen you are a riot!

(Everyone looks at Luke, he is still laughing)

Emile: Well is it?

Luke: *serious* No. of course not.

Jen: Everyone shut up! I have to hear this.

Bruce: So I was wondering if you wanted to go out some time.

Random girl: Yeah, that would be nice. Have any ideas?

Bruce: Well I have two reservations at Fish and Teps.

Random girl: Fish and Teps? Isn't that place like crazy expensive?

Bruce: Yeah but don't worry, we'll just eat rice with tap water with pink sauce on the side.

(Random girl laughs)

Random girl: Sure, that'll be nice.

(They walk away)

(Jen removes the headset)

Jen: I can't believe it. Bruce found another girl. Two days after we broke up.

Chad: Wait, you guys were dating?

Jen: *laughs* YES! I'm free! Oh my god I'm finally free! Is this how they felt? See you guys later! I'm gonna do white girl things! WOOOOOO!

(Jen runs off happily, the guys look at each other)

Luke: So can "Luke and the roadkill" make an epic comeback Chad?

Chad: Absolutely not Luke.

Luke: Dang it.

(Scene changes showing Chad, Luke and James in the library)

Chad: So is there an Old Jersey?

James: What?

Chad: I'm just saying, if there exists a New Jersey, there should technically exist an Old Jersey.

James: Why are you asking me this? I didn't make the state.

Luke: That is true. Does there also exist an Old York? Think about it. There wouldn't be a New York if there didn't exist an older one before.

Chad: Exactly. Good thinking Luke.

James: Kill me. (James slams his head on the table)

(Jen runs in)

Jen: Hey guys and James.

Chad: Sup chick. How's freedom tasting?

Jen: *angrily* HORRIBLE! Bro I can't stand it! It's so boring and quiet and gross. You know it's been a whole three days since Bruce and I broke up and he found someone else so quickly!

Chad: I still can't believe you two were actually dating.

James: Wait, weren't you the one to break his heart?

Luke: Usually the person who does the heartbreak shouldn't feel any remorse or sadness to their victims.

Jen: I know! I broke up with him but I feel so… so… empty. And bored. I spent more time with Trixie, Mel and Katrina than I would like to admit. Do you know how annoying cheerleaders are?

Chad: No. Not particularly.

Jen: It's very annoying. Like super annoying. All we did was talk about terrible white girl shows on Stickflix and eat toast with avocados. I swear if I see one more guac I'm gonna pull my eyes out of their sockets.

Luke: If it's bothering you so much just get back with Bruce.

Jen: No gross!

Chad: I am so confused right now. So you don't like Bruce but you rather spend time with him than your female friends.

Jen: Trixie is not my friend, I only tolerate Mel, no one likes Katrina and Dawn is basically a wild card. And no I don't prefer Bruce.

Chad: Oh my god my head! It hurts! So much confusion!

James: Wait, do you like Bruce or not?

Jen: I don't know, I don't like him but strangely enough I miss that loser. Oh god I feel sick.

(Bruce walks in the library with his new girl)

Jen: Oh god here he comes! I need to hide! (Jen runs and hides inside the library's trash can) I'm not here. Got it?

Luke: Aye Aye capitán.

Bruce: Sup guys.

Chad: Hey Bruce.

James: Sup sad man.

.

Luke: Jen isn't here!

(James and Chad both facepalm, a facepalm can be heard from inside the trash can)

Bruce: Okay? Anyways, guys meet my new girlfriend. Her name is Stacy.

(Stacy is eating a burrito)

Stacy: Hello.

(Jen gags from inside the trash can)

Luke: Hey girl with a painfully average name. My name is Luke. And I know what you might be thinking. "How can such a handsome stud be single" well unfortunately for you I am not. Trixie and I have been dating for-

(James covers Luke's Mouth with his hand)

Stacy: What is wrong with him?

(GWC walks by)

GWC: No one knows.

Bruce: Anyways, Chad! My main man. I was wondering if Jen was going to be at your party on Friday.

Chad: Yeah, she always performs every friday. Why?

Bruce: Well I kinda don't want to be there because I don't want to make it awkward for me or Stacy.

Stacy: Yeah I heard about what happened between Bruce and Jen.

Jen: *muffled* And you find that dork attractive?

Stacy: And between you guys and myself, Jen seems like a really bad person. No offense James.

James: No, I'm with you on that. She can be a total pain.

Chad: Are you sure you can't make it Bruce? You can just stay before she performs and then you can go.

Stacy: Sounds fair to me.

Bruce: Um sure I guess…

Stacy: Also is there a trash can around here? I want to throw this burrito out.

(The spedteers look at each other)

Luke: There's one over there. (Luke points at the trash can where Jen is hiding)

Jen: *muffled* Idiot!

Stacy: Thank you Luke. (Stacy throws out the mexican wrapped sandwich)

Bruce: Well then, Stacy and Bruce Richemont will see you three on Friday. Luke, don't forget the limbo stick.

Luke: *scoffs* Bruce, when have I ever forgotten the sacred stick of limbo? That's Right! ONLY ONCE! And I learned from that mistake.

Bruce: Sweet.

(Bruce and Stacy begin to walk away)

Stacy: I think that boy has brain damage.

Bruce: I know, I know.

James: Alright Jen, you can get out now.

(Jen slowly raises her head, her hair is covered in sour cream and she has lettuce and beans all over her face)

Luke: Ay caramba!

(scene changes back to Jen's dorm)

Jen: I swear I'm gonna rip her head off the next time I see her.

Katrina: Why are you talking to yourself?

Jen: I need to talk to somebody.

Katrina: Bra, you have two other roommates here.

Jen: That's the reason why I'm talking to myself. I feel so empty right now.

Trixie: Is it because of Bruce?

Jen: No it's about the humidity in the south. Yes, it's about Bruce!

Trixie: You know your sarcasm hurts sometimes.

Mel: Wait, you're upset over Bruce?

Katrina: I thought you couldn't stand that guy. What happened now?

Jen: I guess I might have a little, like a really small, like almost microscopic, teeny crush on Bruce...….

(The girls look at each other, they huddle)

Katrina: *whispers* Okay, what the heck is going on with her?

May: *Whispers* I don't know, this isn't the Jen we know and tolerate.

Trixie: *whispers* I mean, I don't mind, maybe Jen can change for the better.

Mel: *Whispers* This is no time for jokes, Trixie. She's speaking crazy.

Katrina: *whispers* Yeah, I know she's speaking crazy! That's why I have a hard time believing this is the actual Jen.

May: *whispers* Yeah I know but she's kinda hot.

Katrina: *whispers* Yeah she's office hot, but that's besides the point.

Trixie: *Whispers* So what are we gonna do?

Katrina: *whispers* Okay, I'll get the bat, May you get the coin.

Jen: *whispers* What are we talking about guys?

Katrina: Okay "Jen" if that's even your real name. If you are who you say you are, tell me something that only the real Jen would know.

Jen: Your first phone was a used Nokia and when you went to the photo gallery you saw some very interesting pictures of your da-

Katrina: Alright! Alright! Don't remind me. That's Jen alright. Are you sure you like Bruce?

Jen: I hope not.

(Scene changes showing Chad's dorm room, it's party time, Luke is on stage shredding on his guitar, GWC is on drums and Rocky is on bass)

Luke: *autotune* It's party time!

It's party time

Everybody clap your hands because it's party time

It's party time!

It's party time!

I wrote this part in two seconds so I'm repeating the same line!

Emile: Luke and the roadkill is a fitting name for his band. They're killing my ears.

(Everyone else is trying to enjoy the party)

Andrew: Comrade this has got to be the worst show ever. Where is the actual artist?

Chad: I'm sorry, Jen will be on in ten, it's just that Luke wanted to perform again.

Andrew: Tell that idiot that he cannot sing, or write good lyrics.

(Bruce walks up with Stacy)

Bruce: Hey guys! How's it crackin'?

Andrew: Goodbye. (Andrew walks away)

Bruce: What's up with him?

Chad: Luke's song pushed Andrew off the limit.

Bruce: Oh, that was a bad song indeed. When are you gonna play real music?

Stacy: Yeah, me and Bruce want to vibe to decent music instead of hearing Luke violating our ears with his "music"

Chad: Don't worry guys, we'll play some actual good music soon.

(Jen bursts thru the door)

Jen: Hello losers and good looking women, it is I Jen Stale! Here to rock the house and most importantly bless your ears with actual good music!

(Everybody cheers except for Bruce and Stacy)

Stacy: Um Bruce, I don't feel so good.

Bruce: Easy Spider-Man, Chad I think Stacy and I would be going now.

Chad: Why, the party is just getting started, Luke didn't forget the limbo stick this time.

Bruce: But Jen is here. I don't feel comfortable having her here.

Chad: But Bruce, come on. Let bygones be bygones. And besides we still have enough onion dip to go around.

Bruce: I don't know.

(Jen gets on stage)

Jen: Move cream puff! (She shoves Luke off the stage)

Luke: Don't worry Jen, I made the audience get hype for your concert!

(The audience cheers)

Random partygoer: YEAH JEN!!! YOU ROCK!!!

Other partygoer: HAVE MY BABIES!!!!

Jen: Now, now partygoers. I am not in the market for any relationships at the current moment. (looks at Bruce) I just got out of an interesting one to say the least so I need a break.

(Chad is biting his fingernails)

Chad: Dang she is being so petty right now.

Bruce: Chad? Did you plan all this? (Bruce is irritated)

Chad: No! I had no idea she was gonna pull a stunt like this.

Jen: Now, I will be performing a song I wrote after my relationship ended. It's called "Emo Heartbreak".

(The audience cheers, Luke gets back on stage)

Luke: Do not fret Jen, My friends and I will help you perform this song.

Jen: How? You guys don't even know the notes or beat of the song.

Luke: Eh, who cares? You don't need rehearsals or practice. All you need is convenience in a script that calls for a musical number.

Rocky: Finally more screen time for me! WHOOOOO!!!!

Jen: Alright losers, let's rock the socks off these very unattractive partygoers.

Luke: You said it, female version of James! Let's Rock!

(The trio perform Emo Heartbreak written by Alexander Urena the Fourth, everyone in the audience cheers)

Jen: Today is a great day,

Who would've expected to wake up to a heartbreak,

Now I know you're irrelevant

Today I woke up to an accident,

Eyes roll, shoulders locked, you came and went

You kept this up, for way too long,

Just take a hint,

I'm was not interested,

Until that girl arrived,

And ruined my college life

Today is a great day,

Who would've expected to wake up to a heartbreak,

Now I know you're irrelevant

Today I woke up to a different life,

No bugs, no pests, You left my side

Your strong approach got me overwhelmed,

You're now upset but you did to yourself

Surprise! You messaged me, for our anniversary,

Has it been that long? Has it been one week?

Until that girl arrived,

And ruined my college life

Today is a great day,

Who would've expected to wake up to a heartbreak,

Now I know you're irrelevant

Now I know you're irrelevant

Now I know you're irrelevant

Now I know we're irrelevant

Now I know we're irrelevant

Now I know you're irrelevant

Today was a great day

Today was a great day,

Who would've expected to wake up to a heartbreak,

Now I know you're irrelevant

Today was a great day,

Who would've expected to wake up to a heartbreak,

Now I know you're irrelevant

Random Partygoer: I love you Jen!!!

Jen: And I love you random dude that looks and smells like Frito potato chips!

(Luke bumps into Jen wearing sunglasses and a tuxedo suit)

Luke: Okay Jen, I see this spark in you, it's amazing. I'm gonna make you star! Imagine "The Beatles" meets Frank Sinatra. What do you get?

Jen: Disaster?

Luke: No! You get a masterpiece! I'm talking gigs, lots and lots of gigs! I already scheduled you a gig at "Tommy's Gas station" You will be performing live in front of dirty truck drivers! And I'm gonna be your manager!

Jen: Uhh…

Luke: But first we need to change that name because Jen isn't gonna sell well. I was thinking of another stage name like "Sprinkles" or "Dandelion" or

Jen: I have a suggestion.

Luke: Shoot at me lady.

Jen: I was thinking of… piss off.

(Luke walks away)

(Jen looks in the audience to look for Bruce, Bruce has his arms crossed, he has an unamused expression)

Bruce: Come on Stacy, let's get out of here.

(Bruce and Stacy walk away, Jen's smile fades away)

Jen: Crap.

(Scene Changes to Neon Arcade, Luke is killing it at the dance machine, Chad and James are eating candy watching Luke)

Chad: I'm impressed that the Arcade managed to afford another dance machine after Dawn literally turned it into a bomb.

James: They didn't pay for it, Timmy fixed it using an ice tray, paper clips and Jumper cables.

Chad: Ah that makes no sense.

James: Don't question it.

(Jen walks up to them wearing her work uniform)

Jen: Hey amigos!

Chad: What's up Jen.

James: Hey, how was your gig last night? Was it fire?

Jen: James don't try to talk like that. Stop it.

Chad: Everyone loved her new song, Luke even started selling her song illegally.

(Luke hops off the machine)

Luke: That is true, I made a fortune! (Pulls out wad of cash, he smells it) Ah, nothing beats the stench cloth drenched in ink. Now all I have to do is go to the bank and deposit it before the cops-

(Two cops bursts through the doors)

Man 1: There he is! It's the punk hole we tried catching last night for pirating!

Depressed Cop: I'll get the mace.

Luke: You'll never catch me suckers! Kiss this stub! (Luke runs off, the cops chase him)

Man 1: I knew we should've given him the chair after selling those illegal sandwiches!

Depressed Cop: We couldn't, his Lawyer was threatening to Sue!

James: Well that just happened.

Chad: Anyways. Have you spoken with Bruce?

Jen: No, he hasn't spoken to me after the party. I think it's safe to say that he and I are no longer friends anymore. (Looks sad) Stupid Stacy.

(Ayuno walks in)

Ayuno: STALE!

Jen: Yes?

Ayuno: Oh not you sugar pea, I'm talking to the other one.

James: Me?

Ayuno: Yes, Punk hole! What are you doing here? Get to work!

James: I don't work here anymore, you fired me.

Ayuno: Don't sass me! Get to work before I get the batteries.

James: Yes ma'am. (James runs off)

Ayuno: Also Jen, I love that song you performed last night. It made me bop in all the places. And I mean all the places.

Jen: Thank you? I will take that as a compliment.

Ayuno: Also did you write that song about the wannabe cool guy?

Jen: Kinda?

Ayuno: Well then, I always hated him. Toodles. (Ayuno walks off)

Chad: So are you and Bruce officially over? It still hurts my brain.

Jen: I think so, if he wants nothing to do with me then I guess I have to move on.

Chad: Sorry to hear that. Um… hey what are you doing this Saturday night?

Jen: (raises eyebrow) Woah, woah Hunter. Easy now, are you asking me out?

Chad: *stutters* Um, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'm just asking because…. Because… well since you and Bruce… usually go out on Saturdays and now… that… you and him are no….

Jen: Wow, for a guy named Chad you're terrible at this.

Chad: I'm ashamed.

Jen: But sure, I would love to go out with you. Wow that feels so weird saying that.

Chad: Really? Because I almost had a stroke back there.

Jen: Yeah, no worries. I'll pick you up around seven.

Chad: Woah, woah Stale, You're not gonna pick me up. I'm a Hunter, we Hunters always…

(Jen looks at Chad with a cold stare)

Jen: Don't even finish that sentence. I'll pick you up Hunter.

(Jen walks off, James walks in covered in mud and leaves)

James: Hey Hunter.

Chad: Hey Jam- oh my god! What happened to you?

James: Some poor soul got stuck in the gutter, I had to get him out. Anything interesting happened while I was gone?

Chad: Well Jen and I are having a date on Saturday.

(James laughs)

James: Oh god, Chad you're really funny at times.

Chad: I'm not joking.

(James' smile immediately fades.)

James: You're serious aren't you. You're telling me that you're gonna date my sister.

Chad: *mumbles* yeah. You mad?

James: What. No. Of course not. I'm happy! Now if you don't mind, I'll be heading off to my dorm so I can plot numerous ways to KILL YOU!

(James storms off)

Chad: Have fun!

(Episode Ends there.)