~Chapter 10~

His hand on my thighs felt like icicles, cold and painful. I wanted to scream to push him away. But as his fingertips moved against my body touching places I have not ever once wanted. My body froze, it was like I couldn't move a single muscle. His dark brown almond eyes looked at me, knowing I didn't want this. Tears fell as I tightly closed my eyes hoping for it to soon be over, I prayed, and I begged God to end it, but as his hand traveled more of my body I gave up. Staying silent, letting him do what he wanted like a used puppet. Even though I felt absolutely disgusted with the feeling of him. But when I could feel his lips agent my neck, kissing it softly. I felt my skin harden; it was like I couldn't breathe nor move. I felt sick to my stomach. Like I was going to throw up I hated this, why couldn't I find the strength to run away, to punch him for heaven's sake?

I thought he really just wanted to be friend's …how could I have not known this was coming? "You know you want this; don't you think 16 is a little too old to have not had your first kiss yet, let alone still have your virginity? He asked, griping his much larger hand against my jawline harshly almost painfully. trying to bring it closer to his lips in a forceful kiss. Even though I told him multiple times no he still never gave up. I gently placed my hand on his chest as I let out a deep breath trying to hold back my trembling voice as I spoke. "Please d-don't touch me!"

"You're crying? I'm not even doing anything wrong. I guess there really is something wrong with you, because you wouldn't be this difficult if there wasn't. You should be grateful I even took interest in you so be quiet." His eyes narrowed and teeth clenched, his hand started to tightly grip my jaw even harder. His face looked like a person I have never met before ...As he let out a deep sigh he let go with a hard push.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I choked "I wish I would have never met you, honesty. You're the reason I'm upset. You're so...defile. I wish you would have stayed mute. The only thing even good about you is your looks anyway." He taunted. Getting up out of his seat and leaving the building.

Once he left, everything I tried holding back came breaking down. All I wanted was to watch a movie with him and become better friends, but this is what I got instead. I hated myself, for all of it. For trusting him, not being strong enough, believing in something other than reality, and most importantly being myself. Now that one is the hardest. Being someone, you hate takes a lot of work. My tears fled my eyes, as I held back the treating sobs that were trying to escape. I ran out the door of the movie theater leaving everything unimportant behind. scribbling out the people who felt no need to mind their own business. I ran and ran until my legs gave up on me. The feeling of the cold fall air brushing my hair back had a nice feeling to it. I know Madison would be worried about me If I didn't return before curfew. But at the moment I felt too numb to care. Was everyone just trying to use me as he did? When I got home, I took out my key and let myself in. luckily everyone was already in bed. When I got into my room I locked my door, swallowing multiple melatonin's, hoping they would soon bring me to sleep faster than it would not take them. Would telling someone make it better? It wouldn't even fix anything, telling someone something that already happened. What could they do about it? Plus, it's kind of my fault, to begin with, I should have done something like pushing him away! There were others there. They could have helped if I truly wanted them to.

All I needed to do was yell for help. But why couldn't I move? It was almost like my whole body and mind shut down. He hurt me but why couldn't I get myself to hate him? Why do I value his feeling over my own?... I know what he did was wrong, but I can't get myself to blame him... Why?... I felt broken, broken at the thought of all of it. I didn't even know him that well, but I let him take over my mind filling it with false information. The way he touched me made every cell in my body cry for help. Everything he did was wrong but…but why can't I get that voice out telling me it's all my fault? Why can't anything go the way I want it to?

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"LILLY" Madison hollered from down the hall. "Where were you last night I had to go to bed without knowing where you were. You know how scared I was, you wouldn't answer your phone!?" "I'm sorry" I whispered only loud enough so she could hear. "Is that all you have to say!? {Sigh} It's fine, just don't do It again I got you that phone for a reason." She expressed. "It won't happen again I swear" I assured, voice quiet and calm, making sure not to anger her even more. Trust me I didn't want my phone taken away! "Thank you, it means a lot you know. Me and David are really trying to give you space but to also be good parents and in order to do that I need to know where you are at all times. You are my first and only child." She fretted. I felt bad, I really did but she wouldn't understand even if i did tell her. She would probably just see me as this used or as he put it... Defile, excuse of a human being. I couldn't even help myself when I needed saving the most.

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