Chapter 10: Rule #10: Knowledge Will Give You Power.

Beatrice.

The treatment wasn't easy. It wasn't quick and it wasn't enjoyable. They kept having to stall the treatment mid-way through for me to vomit in the bathroom, between the chills and the hot flashes my body was rejecting the medication, but they kept pushing it. It was three in the afternoon before I finally got home to which I took a long shower and promptly fell asleep, before waking up to my alarm.

Not being able to eat anything the entire day had left me shaking, and a faint feeling, regardless of not having the energy to look better than I felt. I was tempted to cancel but right when I picked up my phone to tell Abby I wouldn't be able to make it to dinner she texted me telling me I had better not cancel, and there was a fourth person coming. Beau's brother Javier.

So, I threw on a pair of high-waisted jeans and a black baggy sweater tucking the front part into my jeans, the only shoes I could find while I rushed to get ready were a ratty pair of white sneakers. I hastily finger-combed my hair, throwing it up in a clip, and prayed that the restaurant had low lighting because I didn't have time to reapply my makeup.

Abby always complained about how I dressed. That I looked too simple, that I reached for the basics every time we went shopping. Abby always had to have the newest, the flashiest, the most revealing. But basics had never let me down before, basics were predictable, basics were classic. Sure, my closet was completely crammed with jeans, t-shirts, thrifted skirts, and dresses but it was me, it was what I liked.

I wasn't Abby. I thought to myself as I watched her walk up the sidewalk completely attached to the side of Beau's body. It made me side smile, Beau was practically falling off the sidewalk with the pressure of her body. I waved back at Abby who spotted me when I saw a tall figure behind them. His hair was in an organized pattern of curls, that I'm sure Abby had already asked him what products he used, he and Beau looked nothing alike. Beau was shorter than the other man by at least a head, Beau was broader, his shoulders were wider, but the other man had an air about him, I suddenly felt insecure around him.

"Bea!" Abby squealed as she ran up and gave me a hug practically knocking me over, which wasn't hard since I hadn't really been eating lately.

"Hey Abs," I said with a small laugh.

"Bea! This is Javie." She said pulling away. "He's so freaking hot,"Abby whispered in my ear. I couldn't help but wonder how many drinks she had prior to meeting me for dinner.

I wasn't offended that they had met for drinks before meeting me, it was them in the relationship anyway. It would have been odd if they always wanted me around.

"Hello." I greeted the new man in the party, reaching out my hand.

Javier took it in his hand, it was warm, I'm sure he noticed the slight tremor in my hand, but he didn't say anything, he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.

"Hello, Beatrice. Beauregard has told me a lot about you." Javier said as he pulled back from leaving a feather-light kiss that felt nowhere near light against my cheek.

"Really? That's nice, good things I hope." I said looking at Beau, who smiled at me, and then back at Javier.

"Hey, Beatrice." Beau smiled at me but not before Abby firmly attached herself back to his side.

"Baby should I be jealous of you talking about my bestie?"

Abby whined like a three-year-old. I guess some guys find that attractive... the whole big lower lip, puppy dog, baby talk, act. But from my perspective, it just annoyed Beau. But that would always be one of Abby's biggest flaws. She was never fully aware of herself.

"I'm starving." I abruptly clapped my hands interrupting the whole awkward situation.

"Me too! Allow me." Javier said as he offered me his arm.

We must have been an odd sight, Javier was a good six-three, compared to my five-two, his shoulder was close to the same height as my head. The imagery made me snort a completely attractive noise, I'm sure.

"Something funny?" Javier asked as we walked into the restaurant.

Abby had elaborate taste in dining. She always picked weird quirky restaurants with odd themes or opulent experiences. This one was no different. It was a hodgepodge of different cultures and eras all thrown together, that worked but also didn't. It made my already dizzy brain tipsy.

"Don't mind me, I'm just a little bit out of it tonight," I explained to Javier.

"Are you feeling okay Beatrice?" Beau asked from behind me, startling me that he had even been listening in on my conversation with Javier.

"It's just been an interesting day today. I haven't eaten much. I guess you could say I've been anticipating tonight! I responded.

There was something in Beau's expression that told me he wasn't buying it, but I wasn't sure if I could handle another deep conversation with him tonight. Not when I was feeling so awful already. Also, not while Abby was giving me death glares from his side. It wasn't the time to dive into it, not when there was a new person in the mix, and I was feeling socially awkward. Any night but tonight.

I listened passively as Abby gave her name to the hostess to seat us under her reservation, still clinging to Beau as if she thought if she released him then someone might swoop in and take him from her.

I followed alongside Javier, letting him drop my arm as we followed the narrow aisles of the restaurant to the dimly lit booth in the back. The restaurant was loud, the smells were overwhelming, and it felt stuffy. The familiar feeling of panic crept up along the back of my legs as I sat first in the booth, and Javier followed me. I felt confined and trapped. My day just turned from bad to horrible.

Conversations at the table were polite as I barely heard them around the buzzing in my own ears, as I willed the panic attack to ease off. My eyes were wandering, trying to find something around me that was calming to distract myself from the fear that was overcoming me. I had no escape if I was to be sick. Nowhere to hide the worst parts of me from the eyes of people I didn't know or didn't trust with the most vulnerable pieces of me.

"Can I get you anything to drink to start?" The young black lady who had approached our table at some point during my panic attack.

Beau and Abby across from Javier and me. I took a deep breath as my nose was filled with a new scent that wasn't garlic or meat. It was soft citrus with a mix of peppermint. I took another breath, closing my eyes as the ebbs of panic faded away enough for me to realize that my name was being called.

"Beatrice?" Javier was calling my name. His head turned completely from the beautiful woman who was waiting for us to respond.

"I'm sorry... It's been a long day." I quietly admitted to Javier.

"She'll have a sweet tea to start, I'll have the same."

He said passively, his head still turned towards me but his eyes were now watching Beau, my eyes followed the path to meet Beau's face which I found was dark, etched in worry. As the rest of the table finished ordering their drinks, Abby's, being more cocktails, while Beau ordered a sweet tea-like his brother and me.

"I'm sorry I'm usually not this much of a disaster." I laughed trying to pull myself together, longing for the room to stop spinning.

"Yes, she is." Abby laughed loudly.

Abby, even at the table where she was naturally pressed against Beau in this small booth was still clinging to Beau's arm possessively. The poor waitress whose name read 'Hanna' didn't have a chance at avoiding the awkward train wreck we were.

"Today's been a little bit more unusual..."

"...If I didn't know better, I'd say it was Beatrice's party trick." Abby interrupted me.

"Party trick? You'll have to explain that to me, Abby." Javier was asking Abby questions, but his tone wasn't friendly, it was deeper than it had been before, darker.

"Overwhelmed... Panicked... Anxious... Triggered. She's got the whole damsel in distress thing down to an art." She answered simply, laughing in her obnoxious flirtatious way.

"And what would be your party trick?" Javier leveled with Abby, but she wasn't picking up on his signals. No Abby thought this was foreplay.

"I am the party," Abby replied with a wink.

When I was a kid, I used to make up stories of why people got angry in order to help myself cope with my father's raging mood changes. I would sit in my room and write in my journal this story of two gods who made men. One god put souls in human bodies, while the other put power.

It was a test to see if the human with souls would grow jealous of the humans with power or vice versa. But humans in their greed wanted both.

They wanted the wrath and the joy at the same time so they learned to develop, they learned to evolve, until they had both, the soul and the power. The gods evolved as well, this time they created two separate beings. One who would disarm the power inside of people, and one who would make the power grow inevitably until it overtook them.

The gods presented these two newly formed humans to their first creations. Telling them that because of their greed they now had a choice, and that choice could kill them if they made the wrong one. The humans chose the human who would help their power grow. So, their power twisted into wrath until it became a twisted and ugly ball of chaos inside of them, that made them angry and violent. Even towards those, they care for and love.

But because the gods still loved those that they had created they placed their newly formed humans around to help disarm the power.

I thought I was that kind of human. Born to disarm powerful men who were lost into their chaos. So, when I see men like Beau and Javier who look so much like my father grow angry because my best friend can't control her mouth, I willingly throw myself in front of the wrath. A willing distraction. A willing sacrifice.