Is it (purely) admiration?

"Alright, alright… I was just joking."

"..."

"Little girls shouldn't think too much… I was merely teasing you ne. By the way, were you alright after fainting that day?"

[This guy… He's really doing this on purpose, right?]

This question of Guo Shen would sound like one of concern to anyone listening in, but Xu Jiao could clearly see that he was taking a jab at her for that whole 'stalker business' and greatly enjoying it while he is at it. And, what with that "little girl"?

[Big sis is older than you by a decade and you dare to call me little girl? Who the heck is a little girl here?] Xu Jiao roared in her heart, but on the surface, she could do nothing but nod her head while gritting her teeth. Who asked her to be a negligible junior while this guy⎯ this guy doesn't need to be anything specific, alright? After all, his existence itself can be considered quite significant.

Guo Shen stared with not just a little amount of amusement at the constipated look on the face of this 'junior sister' of his, which revealed how much she detested having to obediently answer him in this manner.

[She is really interesting.] he thought lazily while stretching his long legs in front of him; it had been quite some time since he had met a person that piqued his interest as much as this girl did. Life has got boring for him lately, which is also remarkable considering he's not even 25 yet. Sneering at no one in particular, Guo Shen turned towards the other occupant of this pavilion while narrowing his eyes, a calculating and sly look appearing in them.

[Is she…]

"So, you're a writer? What do you write?"

Xu Jiao dragged her mind away from the depressing ruminations and answered while glumly picking at a corner of the long table.

"Just some novels for women. It's nothing interesting though."

"Hmm..."

Gu Shen silently contemplated the young girl's actions while many possibilities ran through his mind. Women always approach him in different manners, either for his money or for his looks; some would pretend to be gentle, kind-hearted, or virtuous, and some act sweet while others play the role of a smart, confident and intelligent woman. There're even many who play hard to get.

Not that he minded though⎯ as long as they are willing to play their games within his bounds, he didn't care what they did. But, recently, even this usual playboy lifestyle of his had also gotten quite boring, to be honest. So, it was no surprise that he was pleasantly surprised when he finally found something that actually piqued his interest⎯ be it women, liquor, or something else altogether.

[Can't exactly say what game she's playing, for now at least. Maybe… playing hard to get?]

[Doesn't matter anyway… I'll keep playing with her until I get tired of it.]

As long as he could get rid of this annoying boredom, anything would do was what ran through Guo Shen's mind before he stood up from where he was sitting and walked his way over to the pavilion entrance, all the while aware of the surprise and then the relaxation of the other person. Schooling his face into an expression of lazy confidence while forcing down the smile that was tugging at his lips, he turned around to see the young girl stiffening slightly.

"You know what? I have been coming here since more than a year ago..."

Lightly smirking at the dismay on her face, Guo Shen turned around and walked away, leaving parting words of,

"I don't mind sharing though… As long as you, little girl, are not troublesome."

***

Xu Jiao stared at the lady boss of the food stall wrapping up the piping hot steamed buns; some with sweet, red bean paste filling while the rest were savory, while the expression in her eyes looked rather dull. The confrontation she had with Guo Shen had left her feeling drained after the high it brought, leaving her to analyze her thoughts and actions in the aftermath.

"Little girl, here's your baozi…" Xu Jiao felt the corner of her eyes twitching at this address of 'little girl' but still politely paid the lady boss 13 yuan for the bag of buns.

During her quick walk to their place, and even while partaking of the short dinner -while absentmindedly listening to Wu Man's chattering- and even during showering and the round of studying before bed, Xu Jiao found herself thinking. She was thinking about what happened during the day, but it wasn't just about the confrontation with Guo Shen.

Her head had cooled off enough by now that she could clearly see what happened today, and even before that. She found herself analyzing, dissecting, and observing each and every thought that ran through her mind, every single action she carried out, and each and every word she said; the clarity with which she remembered all of it was a startling fact by itself.

And after all of that thinking, the final conclusion she arrived at didn't make her happy at all. Actually, it exactly didn't make her unhappy either; yet the feelings it evoked in her heart were difficult to describe with one or two words.

"...y! Hey!! Little Jiao...Hey! Are you listening? Hey, can you hea-"

"I can… Wu Man, stop shouting ah! I'm not deaf."

"Eh, but clearly you didn't hear earlier… I have been calling to you for nearly a minute now!"

Xu Jiao: "..."

Wu Man: "..."

"You are getting bolder and bolder… When we first met, you would stammer when talking and always apologize for this and that, and then cry at a drop o-"

"Ah! Ah! Lalalala….. I can't hear you!"

"..."

"Little Jiao ah, we're now friends ne. I only act like this because I know you won't be really mad at me." Wu Man widened her eyes trying to act cute, which Xu Jiao has to admit, worked somehow. "You won't be mad at me, right?"

[....]

[She really did a total hundred and eighty-degree flip ha?]

"I should be…" she said without much heat, and hearing Wu Man laugh out loud at this -which this brat had been doing frequently these past few days- Xu Jiao rolled her eyes and waved her hand.

"I'm fine, so don't worry." How could she not see the concern hidden within the other's large doe eyes?

"Really?"

"Shoo, shoo… go away… I get angry seeing you! And kids shouldn't stay up late…"

"..."

"What?"

"Clearly you're the same age as me ah! Why talk like an old lady?"

".... Just go sleep already!"

After Wu Man went to bed following one final round of playful banter, Xu Jiao sank into another stupor while staring blankly at the wall. Guo Shen, this person, is an exotic flower {1}, no matter which life she considered. In her past life, he had been quite memorable for the masses, not just because of his talents; his various shenanigans had also been a factor that contributed to this infamy, not excluding his death.

Yup, you heard right! Guo Shen had passed away before she did in that lifetime, while he was still in his prime. As for the cause of his death… Aai… Xu Jiao heaved a sigh and shook her head, feeling a sense of schadenfreude.

It had caused such a sensation all over the country at that time, and people had kept talking about this particular death for more than two months, which can be considered a miracle in its own right. Because by that period in the future to come, internet usage has become as commonplace as the hair on top of everyone's heads, and many hot topics would crop up every two to three days only to disappear within a flash after another few days.

She sighed again, but this time it was out of self-pity. When looking at his death and then looking at hers, she could sense a feeling of melancholia overtaking her mind?

[We're both supposed to be public figures ah! Why such a big difference?!]

[After I died, did anybody even find my body or…]

Xu Jiao shuddered, not willing to continue this train of thoughts. She had died and died alone with no one to know about it. End of story!

[What am I even thinking? What's so glorious about death, regardless of the way you died?]

So, what does it matter if her corpse was found as soon as she died or only after it was full of maggots and started stinking the whole place? What matters is that she's still alive after all!

Xu Jiao sat up having finally sorted out her messy thoughts. After all that thinking she did for nearly half the day, she had arrived at a final conjecture regarding her peculiar feelings about Guo Shen. Of course, she admits that she felt flustered by his looks, but which female won't?

After all that back and forth, she finally realized that feeling she had towards him. It was… admiration; sheer and unadulterated admiration… Admiration for the bold way he lived, his talents, and even his death!

It⎯it couldn't be… there couldn't be anything else except that, right?

#####

Glossary:

01) Exotic flower- This term is usually used to describe a person who has rare characteristics; it could be an eccentric personality that's extremely noticeable or a person who is highly talented and incomparable to others. In short, it's someone who is out of the ordinary by a large margin, that they can be considered at the level of a national treasure or a relic, like literally.