Why can't I have the cake and eat it too?

At this moment, Guo Shen wasn't feeling that happy; to tell the truth, he was particularly displeased.

Actually, when he first saw the little girl walking out of the library, he had felt that distinct emotion that he was slowly beginning to associate with her stirring in his heart; interest perhaps? Or maybe some sort of fascination?

It doesn't matter anyway, as Guo Shen had been someone who never rejected whatever he was feeling at the moment; liking it or not is a secondary concern, accepting the sensation comes first to him.

He had felt mirth slowly filling his heart as he watched the little girl -he forgot to ask her name that day... maybe when they meet next?- exit the library while huffing angrily.

[Did she fight with someone else again?] He frowned a bit, his amusement reducing by a good half upon this discovery; he didn't like the idea of her fighting with others? Or is it… But, before he could explore this new feeling in-depth, he saw another thing that dissipated the remnants of his previous amusement altogether.

[Who is that?]

He watched coldly as the good-looking man who chased after the girl stopped her by holding her arm and then tried to speak, but the kid interrupted him. Guo Shen's expression froze bit by bit, watching the way how the angry yet animated expression on her face gradually turned to disappointment, then to dejection, and finally into indifference.

[Boyfriend? Or not?] He mused rather crossly, unhappiness creeping its way over to his heart. No one is allowed to mess with his playthings without his explicit permission!

"First? What's it?" Su He's voice slightly laced with concern broke into his dark broodings and Guo Shen looked up just in time to hear the still-complaining voice of Wang Jin, this nuisance.

"...let me tell You old Guo… You can't be like this ah! Always saying such nasty stuff and all… I mean how are you even going to find a nice girl to be our sister-in-law if you act like this ah? Would any girl–"

Wang Jin stopped suddenly and croaked out an unintelligible note sounding like someone choked him, after taking a good look at his friend's face. He suddenly had a very bad premonition which only intensified upon witnessing the look on Su He's face which clearly said 'brother, hope you're still alive come tomorrow morning… all the best.'

"You're worrying that I can't find a girl? Where do you see me lacking in women ah? I only need to show my face a bit to have them flocking around me in dozens…"

"..."

"Hmm? Oh, I forgot… this kind of privilege– you don't have that, right?"

[He-he, this jerk!!]

"I-I… Old first– don't be too much!"

"I was wrong?" Guo Shen displayed his ignorance on this matter. "My bad…"

"..."

"Oh, another thing… Second, if you continue to flop in your studies like this, your dad and big brother will really chase you out of the house… After all, they can't always feed and clothe you, while getting nothing in return, right?"

"..."

"At least a degree to save your family's face?"

"... Guo Shen!! Don't be such a bully!" Wang Jin wailed and turned to Su He only to see him trying hard to force down a laugh. "Why are you laughing ah? He– that was a personal attack!!"

"Tsk… weakling."

"What? Say that again?"

Su He tried hard to stop Wang Jin from getting into a fight that he was sure to lose inside the library of all places, all the while carefully trying to look through the annoyed expression on Guo Shen's face.

[He's acting weird… Something definitely happened!]

***

Xu Jiao kept walking faster and faster over the wet ground, even forgetting to feel disgusted by the mud splashing on her shoes and jeans and worry about not stepping on puddles. She only stopped walking after feeling a slight chill on her calves, but even so, her body still felt as if an oversized furnace is burning inside, which might soon engulf her within its flames from inside out.

[What a letdown…] Xu Jiao thought rather dispiritedly and sat down on a nearby short wall, and stared at nothing in particular with her eyes looking unfocused.

Was she angry? Of course, she was! Did she feel disappointed? Of course, she did! But, much more than about those two imbeciles, this anger and disappointment were directed towards herself.

Why did she, even for a moment think that Yu Min wouldn't keep bothering and trying to make use of her anymore if she decide to distance herself from her? And, why did she even hope for a moment that Yang Jian would be unbiased and believe her even for a moment without being manipulated by whatever nonsense that woman said?

[More than calling it 'being manipulated, it's better to call it 'being happy to be manipulated', right?]

She was the idiot all along. After all, she was the one who decided to not take any revenge and distance herself from these two people, afraid to provoke some unseen power that decided to drop her here back in time.

[Yup, I finally gotta admit… I was afraid!]

She was afraid that she would provoke this unknown god if she insist on taking revenge on those who wronged her, and maybe– just maybe, it might throw her back into that quagmire that had been her life. Of course, she had tried sugarcoating this reason with pretty and grand excuses like she's not unreasonable like them, and that she'll use this chance to wholly turn her life in a new direction and that she'd give those two one chance and she wants peace of mind more than everything else and all she ever wanted was to enjoy her life without trouble and all sorts of other such justifications.

But underlying it all had been her fear; the ever-present timidity and cowardice that looked like she was born with them. The biggest shackles from her past life, and the ultimate root cause of her demise.

[I didn't change even a bit, did I? Even after everything that happened, I'm still the same little coward!]

[....]

[Xu Jiao, you useless thing! Won't you learn your lesson, at least now?]

Anger and shame towards her own actions overwhelmed her heart, the feeling so uncomfortable and stifling that she felt like she couldn't even breathe for a moment. Why was she even here? What was she supposed to be doing?

[No… wrong, it's not supposed to be like this! I deserve this chance more than anyone else– this chance to come back to life… it's my life, so why should I worry whether some unknown god would punish me over what I do with it!?]

She suddenly stood up as if electrocuted and took a deep breath, and raising her head toward the sky, shouted loud at the top of her voice.

"So, others can do all sort of shit to me but I can't? Hah? What kinda logic is that?"

"So you think I'm afraid of you old man? You wait and see— Imma do a number on them so those jerks would wish they were dead rather than alive!!" A pause and then a deep breath later,

"What? Are you gonna strike me down with lightning hah? Come at me then! I, Xu Jiao, AM NOT AFRAID!!!"

Breathing heavily, she waited for any change, even if it was minuscule. But, even after waiting for a few minutes -which somehow felt like an eternity-, all she could see was the crispy blue sky and the flowers and plants with droplets of water on them, all she could feel was the chill in the air and all she could hear was the occasional chirping of birds and insects.

She bowed her head as the peacefulness of the surroundings slowly soothed her irritated heart while quiet determination filled it in place of the slowly dissipating irritation. This determination and the fearlessness that came hand-in-hand with her unexpected venting felt quite gratifying; the suffocation in her heart seemingly disappearing bit by bit.

[Anyway, I already died once! What more could happen?]

Xu Jiao picked up the bag which had dropped to the ground somewhere in the middle of her breakdown and turned to walk back when she spotted a pair of people -a boy and a girl, probably a couple by the looks of them- staring at her as if she's grown another head.

Feeling irked by their invasive glances and emboldened by her newfound realizations, she confronted them directly and shouted out, "What are you looking at, hah? Never seen someone shouting?" and could feel savage satisfaction filling her heart seeing the two of them scurrying away, looking back at her from time to time and acting as if she was some sort of wild animal that'd pounce on them any moment to tear into their flesh.

[These people… I was as harmless and as good as you can get back during those years. But everyone still gathered around and attacked me like I did such a heinous crime, when I didn't so much as break a single road rule in all my life! All of them pushed me to my death! But this life, I'd…]

Who says that she can't have any peace of mind or she can't enjoy her life without any troubles or she can't change her life into a whole new direction if she's gonna take revenge? This life… she'd live it gloriously and live it well and have her revenge as well…

Whoever said that you can't have your cake and eat it too?