chapter 58

       I sat in the dining with my books. Life orientation test was coming up and I needed to get good grades 'cause I already fvcked up on the first test.

     I nod my head, flowing with the music being played. It was Kanye's song and I knew how much Xavier liked his songs. He was playing music when he knew I was reading but I couldn't say anything about that because I was enjoying the jam too.

     Mind you, I like kpop but....

      Actually, the reason I didn't say anything is that I find talking to him awkward now. It feels like I have nothing to say that wouldn't sound weird. I looked at the textbook on the table and place my elbow on the table to support my cheeks.

      My tummy made that grumbling sound again and I rolled my eyes. I was starving but decided against going to the kitchen because it would only mean being with Xavier. He was doing the dishes and playing a song.

     Xavier walked out of the house and my eyes followed him till he was out of the doorway. I didn't ask where he was going, I just returned my gaze to my note.

      The door squealed and Xavier stood in the doorway with a box of pizza. I raise my head to him and remain silent waiting for an invitation at least. He walked towards me and paused.

     "For lunch, Mom dropped it."

     I was glad it was mom who sent it because I didn't know how to ask Xavier for some despite starving.

    "Here," he said and dropped it on the table. He walked to the fridge and got two carbonated drinks out. He dropped one of the drinks on the table and opened the other, gulping it.

      "You should eat, there's a lot of time to finish up your school work."

     I turned my face to the cabinet and hoped he got the message and left me.

     He dragged a chair and sat on it only for him to stand up and walk toward me.

      "Emily," he called, crouching.

     I tried avoiding his eyes but he held me still. "Xavier leave me alone."

     "Calm down Emily," he requested and brought his head close to mine. I pushed him at that point and stood up from the chair. What was he doing? We almost got caught two days ago and now he was trying to kiss me?

     "What do you think you are doing? Stay away Xavier, you already got me in enough trouble."

       His brows pulled together and he just straightened his stance. "I know."

    "You're not acting like you know, Xavier."

     "Emily you have no idea—"

     I turned to him, pointing my fingers to his face. "No, you have no idea. Do you even think of how hard it is with you? Knowing I can't even have you? Yet you keep showing up in my face and making it hard to swallow the fact."

      I didn't mean to waver as I spoke but my voice already failed me.

     "You know what's funnier? Getting us in trouble and not saying a word about it. You've been acting as if nothing happened." Before I knew what was happening, I was whimpering.

     "What would you have me say? Remind you how I wanted you so badly and had us in trouble? Common! It's all my fault and I get it. You

don't have to cry Emily, I'm sorry."

      I was whimpering and the reason was that I hated how I felt. It was so way to be mad yet crave him. It was like I felt two things at the same time and If this was love then I'm afraid I'm also in love with Devin.

      "Come here Emily, Mom and Dad won't be coming home soon."

      After his sentence, I felt a surge of a familiar emotion. I was mad at what he meant by that.

    Out of anger, I raised my hands and slapped him. "Don't you dare tell me that!" I flared.

    His eyes flickered and he held his cheek for a second. He never saw me get this violent and it dawned on him that his choice of words didn't sit well with me.

    "What the fvck Emily? This isn't you! I know Devin is getting into your head," he flared up clenching his fist.

     I took a step back and stood to catch my breath. I didn't mean to slap Xavier but I wasn't expecting him to try to kiss me and tell me our parents weren't coming home soon.

     "What has Devin got to do with this?" I asked with my gaze fixed on his clenched jaw.

    He hesitated and then turned, "Really? You're asking that?"

     Of course, I was asking that because he just believes Devin was the reason for everything I did that wasn't kissing him. It sucks because Devin and I barely talk about anything extra. Xavier was just being a jealous jerk and it irritated me.

     "And so what I and Devin have a thing?" I asked him without taking my eyes away. "Is he the reason we are always fighting? Of course not, Xavier. It's not and we've never fought because of him but because of you."

      He didn't answer and he didn't move. He remained still, leaning on the wall.

      "Xavier our fights are because of us, because of you and not Devin."

     I didn't mean to defend him but I was already doing so and it didn't feel wrong.

     "We can't keep playing hide and seek with our hormones, Xavier. It isn't reasonable because it wouldn't work. If I could, I truly want to do it with you but I can't. That's the reality, I can't."

       Xavier's eyes furrowed after my sentence. He looked like he has always wanted to hear me say I want to fvck him. I didn't hesitate to and I wasn't lying either. If I could, then I'd go naughty with him but it wasn't going to happen.

      "Emily—"

     "You know James sensed it right? He knew we had something going on even though he didn't catch us in the act. He was this close though."

      "I don't care, Emily, James is only jealous and pained."

     "Of course, you don't because you just tried kissing me again. You ain't thinking of what could have happened if he saw us smooching and doing all that?"

    "I'm thinking okay? Fvck it, Emily, I'm thinking!" He huffed. He did a 360 turn to face the wall and then gently hit the wall.

      "Emily you have no idea. I want you so badly that I'd kiss you in their front and tell them I love you. Why don't you get it? I love you, Emily!"

     My jaw dropped, Xavier confessed to being in love with me.

kiss or do stuff, it wasn't in our favor.

      The library was the only quiet spot I could get so I walked there and gave the librarian my ID. I dropped my bags and put my phone in my pocket. I needed to think so I took a seat and pretended like I wanted to read a book.

     I walked to the end of the shelf and searched for a book cover that caught my interest. I stretched and picked up a book on Teenage hormones.

     "Duck it," I blurted.

      I turned from the shelve and picked a seat. I sat at the outright end and fixed my gaze on the book. I flipped through the first pages and just paused when my eyes caught the word Infatuation. I was thinking of Xavier, the definition matched what I felt for him but more than it fitted him,  it fitted Devin. Trust me, I was confused and didn't need someone to explain that to me.

      I honestly couldn't believe he confessed to being in love with me. My jaw dropped open when he said it. I stood shocked and was unable to move. I still can't find the right reaction. After he confessed, he grabbed me and kissed me. I found myself right now, I was touching my bruised lips and reminiscing about his possessive kiss.

     His lips possessed mine and he kept saying he loves me so much. To an extent, I regret not kissing him back, I was so scared about getting caught that I didn't kiss him as I needed him. Xavier was everything, his stare on my skin made me feel like I was on top of the world.

     Whenever he held me, I didn't want him to leave me, whenever I slept, I wanted to wake up to him staring at me. Crazy but whenever I touched myself, I moaned his name imagining it was him fvcking me. It was that bad, my thoughts of him touching me turned me on.

      Everything felt crazy when our certainty hits. It always reminds me how impossible it was to have Xavier despite my cravings for him.

     "I'm not related to Dad."

     "He's married to her but didn't birth me. I'm not his blood. Right?"

      I didn't realize how loud I said that till the girl sitting across me gave me a blank look, I was obviously talking like I was insane and disturbing her read.

     "Ourgh, sorry," I mouthed and turned my gaze back to the book. I raised it and used it to cover my face. I was pretending to read when I couldn't focus.

      Since Mom was only married to Dad and he wasn't my father, I thought of the likelihood of being with Xavier. We could elope after college or maybe, we could wait till we get a job and then get married. That way we would be adults and have a say in what we wanted.

     What if Mom divorced Dad and got back with my birth father? I'd be able to have something with Xavier.

       I couldn't believe I was thinking of the possibility of Mom going back to James. If she went back to James, she would get everything she wanted because James was rich. He had everything and wouldn't hesitate to give her the world.

     If James took me then he would have my mom too; there was no way mom would let me stay with James alone. Jack's plan was to get me, to come back and have his daughter and I was seeing the possibility of that now.

      "If I let him take me, mom would come along, and then... Fuck, no!" I said in an undertone.

      "How about mom leaves with James? That way I'd be left alone with Dad and Xavier."

      My thoughts were getting more chaotic but I was getting interested in what I had in mind. I planned to get mom to accept James then that way, her marriage with Dad would get dissolved and I'd be able to have an accepted relationship with Xavier. That way, Xavier would no longer be my stepbrother.

      A smile crept on my lips and I let out a content chuckle. I took the note from the desk and returned it to the shelve. I checked my phone to see if Xavier texted but he didn't. After we kissed yesterday, he promised to make sure I was fine and said he'd text me at school.

      At the thought of the kiss, I touched my lip. It felt sore and reminded me of how his kisses passionately owned my lips.

      His grip was tight and threatening, I couldn't move. I swallowed hard the lump in my throat. I was unable to stop my chest from rising and falling so rapidly. I didn't know what was going to happen but I knew I wanted him as much. My fingers dug into his back in response to the hotness he made me feel between my thigh.

     He made me crave him and I couldn't help it. What Xavier made me feel was powerful. His effect on my body was mind-blowing, my nipples hardened under my clothes and I gasped impatiently. I didn't want the moment to end but it ended rather too quickly.

      Now I'm sitting down regretting why I didn't kiss him back and get his hands in my clothes. I loved it when he held my waist and held me tight against himself. I felt him get hard standing between me and I swallowed hard. We were playing games with our hormones and sooner or later we'd face the consequences.

     Mom and Dad didn't weren't rich. I mean if they were, I wouldn't be sharing a room with Xavier and being tempted to succumb to his forceful passionate kisses. Our apartment was spacious but it wasn't the ideal house we should be living in. Mom was working two shifts and Dad was trying his best too but we just weren't there yet.

     Xavier was thinking of starting a shift while attending school. I never thought of that because I was still pretty young.

     I was lost in my thoughts, thinking randomly and staring at the book.

    "Emily."

     "Emily?" a voice called after I felt his touch on my skin.