Chapter 5

Behind our consciousness on the five keys to a healthy courting we've defined here is an emphasis on knowledge based totally in research, sound principle, and good sized scientific experience. Most other seasoned- grams and books for couples are neither empirically informed nor empirically tested. As referred to within the Introduction, PREP and this book are both. If you'd want to examine extra about this issue and you've now not already read the Introduction, please refer lower back to it. Further, there are numerous references to essential research inside the References section (for the seriously curious). Since our remaining edition, there have been endless research on relationships, and maximum help and make bigger our in advance paintings on communique, battle decision, and commitment. We will proportion some of the maximum thrilling twists and turns with you in this book.

We now have the gain of over three a long time of research into what factors are maximum likely to raise the risks of a pair's not doing nicely. The key to preventing marital distress, divorce, and unhap- piness is to lessen the chance elements and to boom the protecting elements. Our aim in PREP and in this book is that will help you do each. We talk fundamental danger elements in this phase. Protective factors are

all the good stuff in relationships—friendship, amusing, non secular and religious involvement, and factors of dedication—and also you've likely noted that we've chapters on some of these. Before we observe the fundamental hazard factors, we'd like to tell you what we assume is the most not unusual course to marital unhappiness and divorce.

How a Marriage Dies (in a Nutshell)

OK, in order that's now not the cheeriest heading in the book. It is the identify of a talk Scott began giving to agencies years in the past this is based on the work we've executed over the years to better understand marital fulfillment and failure. It additionally consists of factors of his theories approximately how dedication develops and what it does for couples—things we'll cowl extra inside the chapter on commitment.

What follows isn't the kind of humorous communicate we'd favor to deliver. Instead, the subject matters are extreme. But it does summarize in one swoop the center of our idea of how the common marriage dies. Here it goes:

• You meet. Most couples don't pass similarly if they never meet. (You knew that, but however, the Internet lets in couples to have relationships and in no way meet. That might not be a very good aspect, and it's now not the focal point of this book!)

• You are drawn to one another and start to spend time collectively.

• You like this individual, and it's mutual. Joy. Thrill. Sparks. Warmth. Heat.

• You emerge as a piece nerve-racking about whether or now not this character will stay on your lifestyles.

• You begin to make commitments to one another due to the fact dedication reduces anxiety about staying connected. Com- mitment secures the attachment.

• You get engaged and then you get married.

• Problems arise. They just do, and they will happen to you. Some of the troubles are based totally on things that happen to the two of you in lifestyles. Some of the issues are based totally on fluctuate- ences in the way you need or expect to handle things in existence, or what you trust is important. For a few couples, they are smooth problems; for others, they are very difficult or even gut-wrenching—consisting of having a severely unwell toddler.

• Like many (but no longer all) couples, you have issue dealing with conflicts and issues as they come your way in existence. You don't paintings as a crew at the problems you've got. Conflicts come to be greater frequent and extra intense. The range of instances you're collectively that grow to be with warfare or disconnection maintain going step by step up. You don't speak nicely collectively, and you begin to get nastier approximately all of it. Danger in advance.

• As you get busier in existence, you start to spend less and less time collectively doing things which can be fun or enjoyable. You have a home to take care of, possibly kids that want time and attention; your paintings starts eating up more time, and cash pressures mount.

• Your high quality connection suffers. You start to forget about the components of lifestyles that bonded you together. You spend less time together having a laugh. You exit once in a while. You don't just sit down together or take walks to speak as pals a good deal anymore, and when you do, it frequently will become a controversy.

• This is the large turning factor. One or both partners begin to partner the presence of the alternative with ache and stress instead of with guide or pride. Friendship together turns into a distant memory (if it's miles remembered in any respect).

• Security in the destiny becomes some thing to threaten in arguments: "Why need to I live with you?" "Maybe we want to get a divorce."

• Now you revel in the whole erosion of willpower to one another and investment inside the dating. You're forgetting why you went on this adventure inside the first region

• In the absence of forces that constrain a few couples to stay together (for example, negative options), you divorce, or in case you do live collectively, you waft into painful distance.

Clearly, we're hoping to assist couples live off this very not unusual path. It ends in a vacation spot that no couple seeks when the element- ners start off together, but many cease there simply the identical. You don't must be in this path, and we're here to inform you how to avoid it. If you are already a long way along at the experience we've defined here, we want to tell you a few powerful ways to trade your course. Risk Factors for Marital Problems Many of these chance factors relate to strong, individual characteristics of every associate. You can assume of these factors this way: all other things being equal, the extra these elements are present inside the lives and backgrounds of the marriage partners, the greater the danger to the well-being of that marriage over the years. Here is a listing of such factors. The list isn't always exhaustive, however it covers the biggies.

• Having a persona tendency to react strongly or defensively to troubles and disappointments in lifestyles

• Having divorced mother and father

• Living collectively previous to marriage

• Being formerly divorced, yourself or your partner

• Having kids from a preceding marriage

• Having unique religious backgrounds

• Marrying at a very younger age (as an instance, at the age of eighteen or nineteen; the average in recent times is set twenty- 5 or twenty-six years of age for first marriages)

• Knowing every different for best a quick time before marriage

• Experiencing financial hassle

• Experiencing racial, ethnic, non secular, and other types of magnificence discrimination

There is something very critical approximately this listing that we'd such as you to word: as soon as a couple is married, the partners can do nothing to immediately decrease any of these dangers. In our academic guides, we name those elements static because they're notably unchangeable. Reflecting on these factors can be useful in knowledge how tons chance the two of you may have, but there may be little you can do to alternate any of those and clearly now not fast. In contrast to the static factors shown in the preceding list, there are risk elements that relate greater immediately to the way you deal with each other, the way you talk, and the way you consider your relationship. We name these dynamic chance factors because, despite the fact that they do growth the risk that a couple gained't do nicely, they could all be modified with some concept and desire and attempt.

• Negative varieties of talking and combating with every different, which include arguments that swiftly turn out to be terrible, positioned-downs, and the silent remedy

• Difficulty speaking properly, in particular when you disagree

• Trouble dealing with disagreements as a team

• Unrealistic beliefs about marriage

• Different attitudes about essential things

• A low stage of dedication to one another, meditated in such behavior as failing to shield your dating from others you are drawn to or failing to view your marriage as a long-term investment

• Not practising faith together

In general, better tiers of danger (due to both static or dynamic factors) are tied to more difficulties in managing problems and bad emotions nicely. For instance, research advise that human beings whose dad and mom divorced are more likely to return into marriage as adults with communication problems and additionally a dwindled notion or consider that their courting can work in the long term. In essence, even the static factors tend to specific themselves via the dynamic elements. All other things being equal, the more static or dynamic threat elements you have got, the much more likely you're to revel in difficulties. But do not forget, we're courting optimists. We need to help you face risks head-on and beat the odds. The true news is that studies via our colleagues Kim Halford on the University of Queensland in Australia and Ron Rogge on the University of Rochester every indicates that a few high-chance couples can gain significantly from our technique.Because you can't do an awful lot to exchange the static hazard factors, it is wisest to recognition your efforts on what you may exchange—the dynamic factors—and that's what we do throughout this e book. (And if you don't have many threat elements, we think we have plenty to offer you in phrases of ways to live on that path and enjoy deep love and connection.) We need that will help you alternate in approaches that make a distinction.

MOVING AHEAD ON YOUR JOURNEY

Now that you better recognize how we assume, you are equipped for the subsequent a part of your adventure thru this e book. Do no longer leave home—or go domestic—without our travel advice, which may be summarized by 5 key guidelines:

1. Decide don't slide.

2. Do your element.

3. Make it secure to attach.

Four. Open the doorways to tremendous connections. 5. Nurture protection for your destiny together.

Now choose the subsequent forestall to your adventure. We've prepared our topics into 4 primary elements of the book:

1. Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love 2. Teaming Up to Handle Conflict

3. Enjoying Each Other

four. Staying the Course

Although studying straight via could make the maximum feel, experience free to leap to the sections that cope with the desires you are having on your dating. Each section includes examples to make our points clear and sporting activities on the way to work through a number of the principles and thoughts and to strive out the skills and strategies we are teaching. We keep in mind that some of you will be reading this ebook for your own, working to do your part and take respon- sibility for changing your personal conduct to your relationship. You will find lots of assist right here. Others may be sharing this ebook with a companion, working collectively on analyzing chapters and doing exer- cises. You may also locate aid and encouragement. Singles who are trying to have a hit destiny relationships can analyze strate- gies for doing things proper. We hope all readers can take away some thing meaningful.