I'll Never Be a Princess

Adonis held the skirt of her dress, twisting to check out her reflection in the full-body mirror. At nine years old, she had found an interest in the forbidden things. Dresses were one. Flowers were another. A crown she had fashioned from lavender sat on her blonde hair. She had long wavy hair that she likened to the Greek Goddess Aphrodite. 'I'm as beautiful as her. I'm the prettiest girl in the world,' Adonis thought. She chuckled.

The black dress had short, puffy sleeves. Adonis had bought it secretly with her birthday money from last year; it had been expensive. But it was her greatest treasure, and she would never part with it. Adonis spun, and the skirt flared, creating a gentle breeze. She spun until she was dizzy and fell over in a fit of giggles. The door opened. Her mother stood in the entryway, her dark eyes blazing with anger. She said, "I told you your father was coming today. Take that off."

"No! It's mine," Adonis said.

"If your father sees you in that—" her mother threatened.

"If he sees me, he can shoot me," Adonis said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm a free woman."

"If his father seems him in what, and what's this about him being a woman?" asked a gruff voice. A tall man slipped out of the dark hallway and stood next to Adonis' mother. He had greying hair, and a handsome, aristocratic face. His eyes were as blue as the sky on a sunny, cloudless day. But they darkened on seeing Adonis in a dress. His face stiffened. He glared at his wife. "I told you that I would not tolerate having a gay son."

Her mother said, "He doesn't know any better. I'll educate him; you'll see."

Her father, Gus, snorted and said, "The boy thinks he's a woman. The last time I was here, he wanted a fucking Barbie doll. Just what have you taught him since then?"

Adonis' mother said, "I'll talk to him. Don't be too upset." She reached up and touched her husband's cheek.

He glared at her. Adonis could feel the man's hatred towards her mother like she could feel his hatred towards her. He hated her mother's chubbiness. Mother's pale, unattractive skin. And her body that had given him such a feminine son. He squeezed her mother's wrist.

"We're done," Gus said. "I've had enough of you. And of him. I want no more of this." He peeled himself from the doorway, and his shoes clipped the tiles as he marched down the hall. Adonis' mother took chase, leaving Adonis alone in her dress.

Adonis took this to mean she had won. She adjusted her crown and paused to listen.

Her mother shouted, "Gus! Gus! I'm sorry. We'll do better next time. Gus, please, my love. Let's work through this."

There was the sound of rushed footsteps going down the stairs.

Adonis stubbornly kept on her dress, not caring for the rift she had caused between her parents.

The front door slammed, then footsteps climbed the stairs. Soon, her mother stood in the doorway, breathing heavily. "Take off the dress!"

"No! I bought it with my money. It's mine, I can wear it if I want to."

"You bloody brat." Her mother crossed the room with her much longer legs and slapped Adonis across the face. Her nail peeled the skin beneath Adonis' left eye, drawing blood. It stung and tears swelled in Adonis' eyes. A small drop of blood ran down Adonis' cheek. Her mother's hands found the zipper on the back of the dress and pulled it down. Her cold hands brushed Adonis' skin.

Adonis kicked and screamed, but her mother held her down; the flower crown fell off her head and rolled across the hardwood floor, coming to a halt beneath the bed. Mother peeled the dress off her body, hitting Adonis' face till the young girl stopped kicking. The dress came off, leaving Adonis cold and exposed in a pair of white boxers.

Adonis hugged her chest, and glared at her mother, no longer screaming. Her face throbbed in various areas; she was too hurt to scream. Too hurt to cry. Her mother stood above her, panting. She said, "You are a boy, do you understand? You do not wear dresses. You do not play with flowers. You wear suits and practice martial arts. You're my only child, and goddammit, if I say you are boy, you are a boy.

"Do you know how much money I paid to change the gender on your birth certificate? Do you care about anything but yourself? Do you think your father wants a girl? A girl who he can't give his company to unless she marries a powerful man who can support her. You think that's what he wants?" She threw the dress on the ground, stomped on it.

Adonis wore a look of utter devastation. She pulled her knees to her chest, bowed her head and cried.

Her mother said, "Sorry. I'm sorry." She hugged her daughter and rocked her gently from side to side. "This is the only way I can provide for us. Mommy needs you to be a boy, you understand, don't you?"

Adonis nodded.

Adonis' mother held Adonis' head against her breasts, rubbing her back to calm her down. Adonis glanced at the flower crown, then her small arms hugged her mom. In that moment, she realized that someone like her could never be one of the princesses she saw on TV. And she was a fool to think otherwise.