21: Summertime Sadness

"What's this?"

I was distracted from my paper after Mark placed Mcdonald's plastic on the table. I'm waiting for him since the end of our 2nd subject, well, he told me to wait for him.

"For you," he said, seeing his hands on both sides of the strap of his bag.

It wrinkled my forehead at him.

"Why?" I mean, for what? He doesn't need to make up for anything, though. We're good.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Nothing,"

"Anthony!"

We both turned our heads to the woman who called him by his second name. He doesn't like that but it seems he likes it when it comes from that woman. She sounded like she needed him right away, like bossy.

He fixed the strap of his bag on his shoulder being in a rush all of the sudden, "I have to go. Have a nice day!"

"Thank you!"

He's running far away from the table before I can get to stop him. I can't get the picture of the woman because of the crowd passing by, but I'm sure it came from a woman. Since when?

I got a glimpse of them down the stairs, and he was being beaten up by that woman. I can't help but smile at them, at him.

Carrying the Mcdo, I marched to the Engineering department. It's a waste of my time waiting for him if only I knew, I wouldn't have waited. He's making me a child with a Happy Meal he included inside.

In the past few weeks, it felt like yesterday every day. Everything's new, everything changes, but we still have the same relationship as yesterday.

Mom won't stop pushing me to Pete's side, every time he's in our house. She'll let me with him after she teases me to him. She said, she always knew I liked Pete more than Mark.

I'm a few steps away from their room as I heard someone talking about him in front, "Peter? Ms. Dominique said he's not going to be at school in the meantime since his mother is in the hospital. It's a pity, right? I feel bad for him,"

What? No.

"Excuse me, what did you just say? What happened to Pete's Mom?" I interrupted them.

"What? About Peter?..." her eyes turned at my I.D as she turned her side to me, " Are you from the Architect Department?"

"Yes, can you repeat what happened to his Mom?"

"She died, that's what our prof., said. Are you related to Peter by any chance?"

It feels like a world crushed. I was left staring into nothing, a gap in my mouth my ears could only hear straight lines coming in. In every breath, it became heavy, trying to flash an image of every word said.

Peter? Auntie? Hospital?

What happened?

I started running out of the gate. Pushing myself onto the bus, couldn't stop stomping my feet on the ground waiting for it to stop near their street. Every minute I'm on the bus, I feel like I'm wasting my time. Seconds. Minutes.

I continued running after I stepped off the bus. I slammed the door into the wall, seeing no one since it was left unlocked. I checked the room, and there was still no one.

I picked up my phone from my pocket, trying to contact him. And he finally answered after thousands of declined calls from him.

Silence filled our call. Just silence.

"Peter?"

Then I heard a breakdown from him, he started crying on his phone, and I don't know if he placed it near him that I could also feel how shattered he is. How hard he sobs.

"Where are you? Peter! Answer me!"

"Don't... just go back to school, Sue," his voice sounds husky from crying, trying to hold himself.

"Pete, tell me!"

"No! Leave me alone, please,"

"I'm going there, tell me, where are you? Pe--"

I heard a continuous beep from his line, and it turned out he ended the call. I managed to ask their neighbors since they witness an ambulance pulled over near their apartment.

I didn't have to ask the woman in the receptionist after I saw him sitting in the waiting area. He's talking with a doctor in front of him. I heard them talking and I can't bear listening to what just happened.

He began hiding on his knees as soon as the Doctor left. I pulled him into my embrace, sitting beside him, "I'm here,"

He identified me immediately after pulling me close to him, hiding from me, but I could hear him sobbing and feel his tears on my skin.

I let him. I let him cry into my arms, even if I want to ask him what happened, even if I want to know if Auntie is alright if the rumor about them isn't true. I hope it isn't.

But today, he cried for the first in my arms. He didn't push me away, but I feel bad since as much as I want to take his pain, I can't. I can only let him feel my presence, I could also share my comfort with him, but I know it won't ease his pain.

"I'm here,"

Betrayal left my eye.

Not now.

After a few hours of embracing him, he slowly became heavy. I saw his eyes were peacefully asleep, but it also tells me how tired he is from crying. He cried in my arms the whole afternoon, and all I could do is to rub his back and whisper 'I'm here'.

A patient whose body was covered by a white cloth in bed being pushed by nurses passed us by. I shut my eyes, looking away before I witness her lifeless body lying on the bed.

But I saw how the nurse covered her head.

"Auntie..."

EVERYTHING HAPPENS TOO FAST. I can't either elaborate on it or process it for myself. Few questions are inside my thoughts, but I let them rest first and attend to Peter as much as I could.

Right now, only the cold breeze of air slapping our skin with silence and a few guests standing in front of her coffin. Me, Peter, Mom, Mark, and the priest.

It's my turn to sprinkle the coffin. I walked towards it and stared at it the meantime before.

"I promise to look after him, Auntie... for you,"

I passed it down to Pete after since he's standing beside me. But he won't take it, so I left him alone and gave it to Mark instead.

"Do you want me to do it for you?" I whispered at him.

He stares at her, getting the bottle from Mark. He gave it back to the priest after sprinkling and leaving the stem of roses on top. He turns his back and stands beside the tree before the guys roll the coffin buried to the ground

I let the ceremony finish before walking toward him. It's hard to watch her gone, and Peter immediately buries her body after two days. It was a shock to others, and so was I.

The doctor said she had a cardiac arrest even if they can save her, by the time she was brought to the hospital she lost a pulse.

Today, he slept, finally. He barely slept these past few days, especially after we buried Auntie he stopped talking and kept crying every single night. He kept staring into nothing. He's lost, and I could only offer myself to him that I know won't do anything.

He cried in my arms, and I stayed by his side these past few days. He miss his class for a week already, and I tried to do them at the same time, but I chose to miss my class.

"I can take care of him. You know you don't have to. He won't like it,"

We're both looking at the door of the room where we left him.

"I don't know, Mom. But I think he needs me right now, he's not himself, and I'm scared of what would happen to him..."

Mom pulled my head into her shoulders, calming my words down, "We know Peter, and he's strong. He can pass this through, let's not lose hope in him. He only has us as his family right now, we shouldn't miss that," I felt her hands into mine after, "I'm here if you need someone to lean on,"

"I miss this, Mom," I get to hold back her hands.

"What?"

"This, when you always talk about this. You're just too busy,"

"Yeah, I think I'm missing something about you lately,"

"Like?"

"Like you have a boyfriend, and if I didn't run my mother instinct--"

"Mom! I'm going to tell you about it but..." I lose my words to explain to her.

"Nah, you're old enough to decide for yourself. You know what's right and wrong, right?"

I nodded at her. We stayed like this until her work is calling her. She left a kiss on my cheeks before leaving me alone with Peter.

"I MADE A RICE PORRIDGE,"

I SAT beside him in bed, holding a spoon and a bowl. His eyes were staring at the wall, again, bloodshot. I kept waiting for him until I felt the heaviness of his head on my shoulder.

"Can you eat now? You hadn't eaten yet for three days Peter, please,"

He shook his head for thousand times this past few days. I dropped the bowl on the floor, helping him to lean on the wall.

I faced him after getting back the bowl. But before I showed him the spoon, I saw how he hides between his knees that he hugs while his back is moving from crying. I don't know if any tears are coming out after a week of mourning.

"Peter,"

Such in bad timing, my eyes start to sweat, and I can't. I have to hold it back I just can't. Not today, not today, please.

I kept him inside my embrace until he finally calm down, falling asleep in my arms. I lay him in the bed, leaving him alone in the room. He needs this though his eyes are tired. He kept crying every after 5 minutes after leaving him alone in the room.

For now, I'm not hearing any sobs in the room. I made sure he was asleep before leaving. I sat down on the couch, deeply staring while thinking at nothing.

I can keep up with him if he stays like this for more than a month. I can. But if only I'll be the one who suffers, who cries, who mourns, who blames herself, if only I can take his pain, I will. I can't stand seeing him like this, breaking down every second. He isn't talking anymore, I haven't heard anything from him.

I miss my Peter.

I slip on the slippers, going back to his room. Maybe he'll cry if he sees himself alone in the room. But before returning, I suddenly bumped into the bundle of letters on the table beside the couch.

One catches my eyes while picking them one by one.

I hid it with the others after hearing something dropped in the room. My heart beats so fast only to see a bowl starts rolling on the floor. He's still asleep. Maybe he moves to the other side.

After I left the room to clean up the mess, someone was standing in the kitchen. I expected him to come but not right now.

"Mark?"

I caught him setting the table.

"Brunch?" he invited, playing with the chopsticks.

I let my feet walk to the table, pulling the chair away, "You haven't your lunch or breakfast?"

He shakes his head, ready to dig after opening the chopsticks with his teeth, "I'm hungry. No one's home, though,"

He digs in before I can grab my chopsticks. It's Chinese food. He gives me a chopstick in plastic while swallowing noodles.

"I miss eating. The lessons are getting hard, and more work is pending. You're missing a lot,"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, and... " he takes a bite first of a chicken, "And there would be an exam in 2 weeks,"

"Next next week?"

I bit my lower lip. I couldn't bear to listen to any words because all of a sudden, tears started to slide down my cheeks as I tried to feed myself. And I could feel them dipping on my lap.

His chair move back as I felt his hands on my back, rubbing it, "What's wrong? Does it taste bad? Do you want me to order something else?"

Pulling myself, I wiped my face and tried to flash a smile as I shook my head at him, "Nothing, i-it's fine. Sorry," I look up, holding them back.

But I couldn't hold the chopstick again, with trembling lips I completely bowed down and cried, pouring everything I kept inside between silence into my tears.

He then locked me into his embrace.