Saudade

A/N: Saudade is a word for a sad state of intense longing for someone or something that is absent. Saudade comes from Portuguese culture, and it is often expressed in its literature and music. Saudade is described as a kind of melancholy yearning.

*****

"Daddy, look I'm flying." Five-year-old me cried out in joy as my ice skate glided on the ice surface. I straighten my hands in a horizontal way, like wings of a bird.

"Good job, princess!" Daddy encouraged me as he skated in my direction effortlessly like a professional. But before he could reach me, I lost my balance and fell down on the cold hard surface. I let out a screech as I felt a stab of pain in my left shoulder and palm.

"Shit." Daddy cursed before he bends down to my level. His eyes softened as he took in my red face, tears falling down from my eyes nonstop.

"It hurts daddy." I hiccupped, sniffing loudly.

"I'm sorry, daddy couldn't reach you soon, princess," he said, wiping my tears with his large thumb. He then helped me to stand up straight.

"Oh, my baby." Mommy rushed to us as fast as she could with her skates. She isn't professional like daddy, but she's learning just like me. Mommy engulfed me in her warm hug, peppering my face with her kisses.

"Does it hurt?" She asked as she inspected my palms. I nodded my head sadly. She kissed my both palms.

"The pain will disappear after some time, don't worry. Let's go and take rest." She suggested, smiling at me.

"But I wanna skate" I whined, tears again filling my eyes. Mom was about to protest, but dad placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Then let's skate together," he said and a smile broke out on my face. Dad took my left hand and mom took my right hand and we started skating slowly.

"Smile," uncle Micah, our family friend and dad's business partner, shouted from a distance as he held a camera in our direction. We smiled, posing for the photo and he captured the beautiful moment.

I traced the photo with my shaky fingers. Tears ran down my cheeks as I stared at the photograph with a longing. A longing to have a time machine so that I could return back to my colorful childhood days. Return back to my parents' arms. The reality hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Mom and dad are no longer with me, but in another world, taking a part of my happiness away with them.

Tears were running down my cheeks and weren't stopping. Last year, on this same day I lost my parents. A day that was supposed to be a happy one turned drastically to a grieving day. I was sitting on my bed, looking through the photo album that my mom loved to treasure. When uncle sheriff got this album from my burnt house without much damage, he gave it to me along with my mom's diary in the hope of consoling me. But I never opened it and took this with me when I came to New York. I kept it safely in my cupboard, treasuring it as my mom did. I didn't have the strength to open this then and it took me one whole year to do it. And now, it is just as painful as I thought it would be. Mom loved taking pictures of us and storing them in her precious album. I flipped the pages and looked at the photos with sadness. My baby pictures, my first day of school, my junior year, my prom day,….

"So you're the lucky guy who's taking my girl to the prom, huh?" Dad said, studying Noah, my English class friend.

"Yes sir" Noah smiled at him politely. He tried to act confident in front of dad, but there was a bit of uncertainty in his eyes. Can't blame him though. Dad can be pretty intimidating at times.

"Okay, there are some rules," Dad said and I stared at him in disbelief. Mom just shook her head.

"Dad, No," I said, embarrassed. Dad ignored me and looked straight into Noah's eyes.

"No alcohol, keep her safe, bring her back before 10 and an important one. Keep your hands to yourself." Dad ordered and I looked at mom in help. She shrugged her shoulders.

"Uh, yes sir," Noah said, getting uncomfortable under his sharp gaze.

"Picture time" Mom yelled and I finally let out a sigh of relief. We stood in front of the camera and Noah's hand went around my waist.

"Hey young man. What did I say about keeping your hands to yourself?" Dad yelled from the couch.

A laugh escaped my mouth as memories came rushing back to my mind. It was really awkward and I was more than happy to leave the house. I wonder how dad would react if he got a chance to meet Logan. I'm sure he'll set his rules and interview Logan for a minimum of six hours or more until he's satisfied with Logan's answers. But I'm sure my parents would have loved him anyway.

I closed the album and brought it to my chest, sobbing loudly. I came back to my apartment today morning even though Grecia insisted that I stay at the mansion. But I declined her offer politely as I didn't want to be a burden to her more than I am. I know she'll cancel all her plans for today to stay beside me, but I didn't want that. Even it took a lot of time to convince Scarlet that I'll be fine on my own. She was persistent that she won't leave me alone today. At last, I had to kick her ass out of my apartment after three hours or she'll miss her classes because of me. Already she's on the red list as she had missed her classes a lot in the past. We need 80 percent attendance to write final exams and she's having only 70 percent.

I jumped in surprise as I heard loud knocking coming from my front door. I frowned. Who might be that? I brought my sleeves up to my face and wiped away all the tears. I got up from my position and walked out of the bedroom. I peeped through the peephole, but all I could see was a brown color. Huh?

Thinking that it might be William, I unlocked and opened the door. A gasp escaped my lips as the person stood in front of me with a charming smile.

"I'm back," he said. My heartbeat skyrocketed and if it was possible to fly out of my chest, then it would have. He dropped the things he had in his hands and opened his arms.

"LOGAN!" I squealed and jumped in his arms. My entire body slammed into his and I wrapped my legs around his waist, clasping onto his shoulders as I buried my head into his neck and started crying. He staggered backward startled before his hands clamped my bum.

"You're really back" I sobbed happily.

"Of course I'll be back. Do you think I'll leave my girlfriend alone when she needs me the most?" he said softly. When did I get this lucky? We stayed in that position for what seemed like hours. That's when I realized how much I missed him and his presence. This is what I needed, HE is what I need. Kissing my hair he placed me back on my feet. He wiped my tears before placing a lingering kiss on my forehead.

"I missed you," he mumbled while resting his forehead on mine.

"I missed you more," I whispered before standing on my tiptoes and capturing his lips with mine. Tingles ran down my body and my toes curled at his familiar touch. He pulled me closer to him and bit my lip hard. A groan escaped my lips and I rushed my hand to his neck and to his silky hair. I tugged on it earning a groan from him. We angled our face in such a way that we could deepen our kiss. I started to feel light-headed and right away I knew I had to stop if I didn't want to pass out. We pulled back reluctantly, breathing heavily. He cradled my face with his left hand and caressed my bottom lip with his thumb.

"You look awful," he mumbled, rubbing the corner of my left eye.

"I know," I muttered and looked down. That's when I noticed the things he had dropped down on the floor earlier. A large brown teddy bear with a cute red bow on its neck, a box of chocolates, and a bouquet of red roses and blue iris. I bent down and grabbed all the things from the floor.

"I bought those for you,….as an apology," he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

"You have no reason to be sorry for, Logan. But still, thank you." I said and a tear rolled down my cheek. I know I'm very emotional. But I have every right to be sad. At least for today.

I placed the flowers in a vase of water and stored the chocolate in the refrigerator to eat later. I climbed on my bed before hugging the teddy bear to my chest. Logan was talking with William outside, thanking him for guarding me. After five minutes, he came back and placed a kiss on my forehead. He sat next to me on the bed and wrapped an arm around me, bringing me to his chest. He kissed my head as I closed my eyes.

"When did you reach home?" I asked.

"Today morning"

"What about your meeting?"

"It got over yesterday. Rest everything my assistant will take care." he said and I hummed in response. We talked for an hour, he told me about what all happened back in California. I then showed him my childhood album and we spent the next hour looking at the photos and me telling him some childhood memories. Halfway through our conversation, I started crying again.

"You know Logan. I couldn't attend my p-parents' funeral. By the time, I escaped from those b-bastards, everything was over." I sobbed and he tightened his grip around me.

"I didn't have the strength to even visit their grave before coming to New York. I know if I went to see them then I-I would never... be able to leave from there." I wiped my tears with my sleeves.

"Go to sleep Lia," Logan said softly and kissed my hair. I nodded my head. We lay down on the bed, me on top of him. I placed my cheek on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat while he ran his hands through my hair. He started humming a tune and I smiled in content because I felt at home. He is my home. I drifted off into a soundless sleep with Logan's warmth enveloping me.

*******

I woke up a couple of times but I would just close my eyes and go back to sleep. I was exhausted after crying for a long time and didn't get an ounce of sleep yesterday because of the nightmare. My eyes were burning and I could feel a slight headache starting to form. So I welcomed the darkness and enjoyed the sweet moment of not having any nightmares. Next time when I woke up, there was a small sound in the background. I groaned and opened my eyes.

Logan was pacing around the room talking to someone on his phone. He ran his other hand through his hair in frustration.

"Yeah, I want the flight today…no tickets available? Fuck." he cursed loudly before hanging up. He then started typing on his phone before dialing another number. I watched him as he placed the phone to his ear. He didn't realize I woke up.

"Carter, arrange my jet right now. I need it ready within two hours…..yeah…okay," he said and hung up.

"Logan," I called him and he turned around in surprise. He rushed to me before sitting next to me.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked, caressing my cheek.

"Fine. Where are you going?" I asked him and swallowed the lump in my throat. We didn't even get enough time for each other and he's already leaving for another trip?

"We're going"

"We? Where?" I asked him, confused. What does he mean by 'we'?

"We're going back to your hometown to visit your parents, " he said. Even though he didn't specify I knew he was talking about visiting my parents' grave. I stared at him blankly trying to process what he said right now. Did he hit his head somewhere when I was asleep or am I imagining things? I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Come again," I said.

"We're going to Worcester. Me and you," he said and I stared at him in disbelief as soon as the words registered my mind. We're going to my hometown, to see my parents!

"But Logan, you just came back from a trip. Yo-You're tired." I said as I took in his appearance. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face looked tired. He shook his head and scratched his subtle. Even though he looks tired, he still looks attractive and ready for a fashion show.

"As long as you're with me, I'm ready to travel the whole world for you."

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