Unveiling feeling

I woke up with a grunt when I heard my phone blaring the alarm sound. I poke my head out of my blanket and reach towards my phone with my right hand without opening my eyes. Even though the sunlight wasn't directly hitting my eyes, I could feel the whole room lit with it. As soon as I got my phone I opened my eyes and stopped the alarm at once. The time read 10:00 in the morning and I didn't have to look at the other side of the bed to know that Logan had already left. Of course, he will have some important meetings at the unholy hours of 6 or 7 in the morning. I released a heavy sigh before getting up from my bed and deciding to go get ready for my day.

I look myself in the mirror and find the frown that has been sitting on my face for the past couple of days. I wash my face, hoping the frown will disappear in the process and then continue with my morning routine. I got out of my twenty minutes long shower and then moisturized my whole body before I changed into some warm and comfortable clothes. I decided to not put on any makeup since I wasn't planning to meet anyone today. I'm planning to go to the central library to refer to some books and start learning for my upcoming finals.

It's already been three days since I came to the mansion and I have tried to lock myself in my room and try to study to forget about things, but it doesn't seem like it's working well for me. The whole place was constantly making me distracted by thinking so many things about one particular person and it was not at all helping. In fact, it just created a big headache for me as I felt like tossing away everything on my table and just sitting there sulking. So today I decided that enough is enough and to get out of this mansion to get some fresh air. In that way, I can also work on my studies and not hyperventilate on the fear of being far behind with my portions.

I skip down the stairs quickly and enter the kitchen to find Daniella organizing the dishes. I noticed the set of pancakes sitting on the plate on the kitchen counter and I took a seat in front of it. Daniella sensed my movements and turned around to greet me.

"Good morning, Miss. Kingston. Those pancakes are for you and let me know if you need more." She said with a warm smile pointing to the plate of pancakes.

"Good morning. Thank you for this and you can call me Karolia by the way." I returned the smile and saw her nodding her head before continuing with her work. I eat in silence as the flavors of the maple syrup dipped pancake and blueberries flood in my mouth. My euphoria with the taste of the breakfast ended when I noticed the silence in the house. Having three people, Grecia, Rebecca, and Daniella in the mansion alone, we will be able to hear the non-stop chattering and sounds. Grecia herself is a person who cannot sit quietly and always talks or does something to remain active but, right now the house feels awfully calm.

"Daniella, where are Grecia and Rebecca?" I asked quizzically.

"They left almost an hour ago to the hospital for a check-up. They said they will be back in two hours." I felt a flicker of worry when I heard Grecia went to the hospital.

"Why so suddenly? Did something happen?" I asked hurriedly.

"No, they said it's just a normal check-up to know her health improvement." I nodded my head in understanding. Grecia's health is improving day by day, but still, Logan insists to consult her doctor every week. I quickly finished breakfast and thanked Daniella before going upstairs to pack my bag.

I put on my winter boots and made sure I took all my books and necessities before closing the room and heading downstairs again. I inform Daniella that I was going out and then open the front door and greet the cold winter weather. Since William isn't here, I just decided to walk to the nearest bus stop and get down at the subway, so from there I could reach the Central Library. I'm glad William isn't tagging along. I could just take a good lonely walk, enjoy the weather, and do everything to myself. I missed my old days where I was able to do everything on my own and didn't have to be watched by some people.

I walk towards the entrance gate waiting for it to open but I frown when a bodyguard comes up to me. He was one of the guards that patrolled the house for the past couple of days and I have only noticed him one or two times around the house.

"Miss. Kingston, you are not allowed to leave the mansion." My frown deepened at that.

"Why not?" I asked, feeling ridiculous.

"It's the order." I scoff at that.

"This doesn't make any sense. I'm just going to the library. Why can't you let me out?" I asked, getting impatient.

"Mr. Watson specifically mentioned to not let anyone from the house out without any protection." I felt like snapping at him but then I realized this wasn't his fault. This is all because of him. I try to calm my rising anger and think of an excuse to escape from here.

"So you won't let me anywhere without a bodyguard?" I ask him.

"No, ma'am." I debated it in my mind over a good one minute before I got an idea.

"How about you come with me then?" He looked at me baffled. I would have laughed at his face if I wasn't being serious.

"What? No, Ma'am. I can't-" He started to blabber and I rolled my eyes inside. What did Logan say to make them stand so stern on their line?

"Listen, there is no way I'm canceling my plans now. It's either you come with me as a guard or you let me out without further ado." I told him sternly. He looked like he was contemplating his life choices and after a few seconds, he took his walkie talkie and announced that he will be accompanying me. I did a little happy dance in my head at successfully getting my wish done.

The next thing I know is I am sitting in the back seat of a comfortable SUV car that the guard was driving. I came to know that his name was Eric and told me that he is a newly appointed bodyguard and it has only been a month since he started working for Logan.

I look out at the snow-covered scenery and feel the heartache that I have been feeling for some days return. My mood hasn't been very good ever since the day I came to the mansion and the person who is responsible for it doesn't seem to know it or even care to acknowledge it. And that's what hurts me the most. I have never been in a relationship before and if this is what it feels like to fight with your partner, then I'm definitely not appreciating it. The scariest thing is that I'm not even sure if we are still a couple at this point.

Some things that happened in these past three days felt like tearing my heart open. Logan completely ignored me all these days and the only time we see each other is at night when we are about to sleep. There too I always pretend to sleep when he comes to the bedroom after his work because I'm scared to find out that he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. When I get up in the morning, he will be already gone. There are no words exchanged between the two of us unless in front of Grecia. Even then, too I'm pretty sure others can notice the awkward tension between us. I just hope Grecia doesn't catch upon it.

I just want to know if it's just me or him too who misses the usual us. I miss the simplest of things that we did and it hurts so much. I miss his cuddling at night, I miss his sweet and lovely kisses, his touch. I miss everything about him. But I don't have the courage to talk about it. I'm still holding onto this tiny little hope that this is just a phase and we will come back to our normal pace in a few days. But deep down I feel like it's not going to happen. The only thing that's keeping me going is the one word that he said two days back. I recall that night which gave me a tad bit of strength and hope that it will all be back to normal soon.

I bit my lip in anticipation when I heard the bedroom door open. The movement was so slow and there was no much sound as if he was making sure not to bother me or let me know that he was here. I didn't turn back from my wall facing side and remained quiet the entire time. I glanced at the wall clock and noticed it was 1:15 in the morning. Was he late because of his work or did he come late purposefully to avoid me?

He directly went to the bathroom and I heard the sound of the running shower immediately. My throat became dry as I waited for him to come back. So many questions were running through my mind and I so badly wanted to ask everything but I was afraid of his answers to each one of them. Time passed and I heard the clicking sound of the bathroom door. I heard his faint footsteps disappearing into the closet and coming back after a minute. He switched off all the lights before getting inside the blankets and making himself comfortable.

My heart tightened when I felt the distance between the both of us. It's been there since yesterday and it was doing nothing other than breaking my heart. It just indicated that he didn't want to hold me while we sleep like we usually do. He didn't want me near him anymore. Before I again sink into my misery, I decided to ask him directly.

"Log?" My voice came off throaty. Even though I can't see him I heard the sharp intake of his breath. When I didn't receive a response, I turned my body slightly towards him. I couldn't see his face in the dark but for some reason I know he is awake and is looking at me.

"Logan?" I called again, hoping he would answer me at least this time.

"Hmm," His voice was so deep and almost inaudible. It made my stomach churn for some reason and it wasn't in a good way.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked in a low tone.

"Yeah," I heard him utter.

"Do you... Do you regret this?" He kept silent. I assumed he didn't get my question clearly so I repeated a bit more elaborate.

"Do you regret 'us'? Do you regret meeting me?" I ask him with a slightly trembling voice. I was on the verge of crying for some unknown reason. I didn't want to beat around the bush. Logan became still at that.

There were so many questions but I guess the answer to this one question can answer all the other. But the fact that it came to a point where I had to doubt everything and just ask him made me feel so vulnerable and broke. I was able to hear my heartbeat at that crucial moment. His answer holds everything. It will either break me or mend me back. And that's what the scariest part is. I don't want to admit to myself how much I have depended on him, how much I need him. But how much ever deep it is I can't continue with the hope if he doesn't feel the same anymore.

"No," I almost didn't hear his answer as it was like a whisper to me. I controlled the sob of relief that threatened to escape me. I wanted to ask him again and confirm it but I was afraid he would change the answer. I know it's dumb but the fear in me is not letting me do it.

"Are you-" I was about to ask again but he cut me off.

"Lia, I'm tired. I have a meeting tomorrow so I think it's better we sleep now." My heart shattered again at his coldness. But still, he called me Lia.

"Logan, I-"

"Goodnight," He muttered before turning his back to me. My voice got stuck in my throat and I found it difficult to breathe for a second there. A lonely tear slipped down my face as I stared at his stiff back.

I got the answer I was looking for, but why do I feel broken again?

*******

I scan through the two books that I had taken to refer to for my studies but I still end up confused. Does tax evasion involve both the minimization of tax liabilities and providing HM Revenue and customs or only minimization of tax liabilities?

Scratching my head in frustration, I turn back the pages of my taxation reader and scan through the words again. After five minutes of search, a smile spread on my lips as I finally found the answer. I happily note it down on the paper before dropping the pen and stretching my arms above my head. I scan the surroundings lazily. The sun has set a few hours back. Some people were studying like me and a few others were either simply chattering or wandering around the library. There are a few who are sleeping, like Eric beside me.

Eric, my current bodyguard was persistent he wouldn't let me out of his sight and sat beside me. I have to give it, Logan's guards really take their job seriously. During the first few hours, Eric was on his phone and the ping of the phone messages was annoying and distracting me which resulted in me ordering him to switch off his phone if he wanted to sit beside me. He obediently did what I asked and I was pretty impressed. So this is what it feels like to have an upper hand, huh!? Then Eric started reading some random book to pass the boredom that resulted in him sleeping on top of the book.

I felt Eric stir beside me before he opened his eyes and straightened up, wiping the drool off with the back of his sleeve.

"Wow, if anyone kidnapped me from here, you wouldn't know from the way you slept." I chuckled. He grimaced before muttering a sorry ma'am. Eric is 20 years old and I learned he is the youngest one among Logan's guards. I watch Eric's eyes widen as he looks into his phone before he curses under his breath.

"20 missed calls from Mr. Watson. Oh Lord," he breathed out shakily. I frowned in confusion and took my phone from my bag as well. I also switched off my phone to avoid all kinds of distractions. 33 missed calls from Logan, 20 from Grecia, and 10 from William, also several texts from Logan.

"Where the hell are you Karolia?"

"Pick up the call, damn it!"

And a lot more of the same messages, but with profanities. Oh shit!

"Yes, Mr. Watson." I heard the trembling voice of Eric who was talking to Logan on his phone.

"No, she's safe with me….We're at the Central Library...yes sir….No, sir….I'm sorry, sir….she's next to me. Yes, sir." Eric extended his phone to me saying Logan wants to talk to me. I roll my eyes but take the phone and place it on my ear. I could hear his loud breathing through the phone before I spoke up.

"This is me," I say simply. I could picture him walking forth and back, running his fingers through his hair in worry and frustration.

"KAROLIA, HOW DARE YOU SWITCH OFF YOUR PHONE. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED-"

"You don't need to yell Logan. I can hear you clearly" I say nonchalantly, cutting him off.

"I WAS F***ING WORRIED LIA." he kept on shouting. "I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED TO YOU. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE?"

Anger bubbled in my veins. Who is he to order me like that? He has no right. "You're giving me a headache. We're leaving the place. Bye." I said and ended the call. Yes, I freaking dared to cut his call. There's no use listening to him. He'll be telling how worried he was and keep on lecturing. I bet Grecia is standing next to him. That's the only possible reason I can find for Logan's harsh shouting and worrying. He is just putting on a show in front of his mother. Moreover, I'm angry at him and I don't even feel any remorse for making him this worried. Let him experience the emotion I felt these past three days. But I'm surprised he didn't track our phone number already. Oh, then I remembered how it is impossible to track when our cell phones are switched off. Both our phones were switched off, as per my wish.

Eric was standing beside me as I packed all my books, rather slowly. I mean I know what is going to happen once we reach the mansion, so I'm not at all in a hurry. Whereas Eric was bouncing on his heels in worry which I don't blame. His job is at stake now.

We soon left the place and Eric drove the car as fast as he could in this New York traffic. The time on the digital car clock read 20:49. After half an hour, we reached the mansion and the first thing I noticed as we circled the circular driveway was an angry Logan waiting for us near the porch steps. All the guards including William are also present.

"You don't have to worry, Eric. I'll handle this." I assured my tense guard. It still amuses me how he is trained to overcome all the obstacles to protect someone, but still, he is scared of Logan Watson. Damn, the guy has that power.

Logan charged towards us before he angrily pulled out Eric and punched him on his nose before I could even open my door. It took a second for me to process and my eyes widened before I rushed out of the car.

"How dare you take her without informing me? Who permitted you, bastard?" Logan yelled at Eric, his hands on the poor guard's collar.

"Logan!" I screeched loudly and tried to push him away from trembling Eric. Easier said than done. But Logan's darkened eyes snapped towards me before he grits out angrily.

"Back off Karolia."

"No, YOU back off!" I said angrily and once again pushed him away with all my strength. Logan staggered back this time and before he could close in the space between him and Eric, I stood between them. Logan stopped on his track, anger, surprise, and jealousy swirling in his blue eyes.

"You're defending him now?" he snapped.

"Yes, I'm. Because he didn't do anything wrong. He was doing his job, that is protecting me, just like you asked all your guards to do." I snapped back angrily.

"You could have just informed me before you left the house. And how dare you both switch off your phone?" Logan asks us angrily. I rolled my eyes that made him clench his jaw more. Yes, I purposely did it to get that reaction.

"Eric is not at fault here. I asked him to switch off the phone as we were in the library and I wanted to study without any distraction. That's why both our phones were unreachable." I explained. But it looks like Logan wasn't listening to any of my reasoning.

"Stop giving me excuses, Karolia," he yelled back. I grit my teeth, my fist clenching at my sides. I took a step towards Logan, only an inch between our heaving chest. But still, I had to look up to look into his eyes.

"Logan, guards are watching us. Don't create a scene here." I warn him, my voice very low so that only he can hear me. "Also if by any chance I hear that you fired Eric, I won't be happy AT ALL," I say before pushing him away and walking up the porch steps of the mansion. I'm angry at him. In the past three days, he didn't even acknowledge my presence or didn't even bother to solve things between us, now he suddenly acts like he cares and worries for me. It hurts. At some point, I was convinced Logan is done with me and will break up with me any moment, but then he shows as if he cares, blossoming my hope, only for it to crush it in the next moment. I'm done with his bullshit.

As I angrily walked into the mansion, I was suddenly pulled into a familiar hug. Grecia.

"Oh dear, we were so worried," she said, rubbing my back. I close my eyes, overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. Now I feel bad for making everyone worry. Well, except him.

"I'm so sorry, Grecia. My phone was switched off and I didn't look at the time. It wasn't intentional." I apologize sincerely.

"I know sweetie. But oh, the tension I had when your phone was unreachable…." Grecia sighed. We pulled back from the hug.

"I'm so sorry" I repeated. I made her worry so much. Even though I regret it, deep down again I felt happy that a few people cared for me.

"Also Logan was so restless and worried when he came home and couldn't find you," Grecia said. I looked down guiltily.

"I'm sorry," I whispered again.

"Forget about it. Now you're safe home, that's more than enough." Grecia said and pushed the loose lock of hair away from my forehead. I gave her a weak smile and nodded my head.

"Are you hungry? Dinner is ready."

"No, Grecia. I'm not hungry. What I need is a hot shower right now." I said, declining her offer. Grecia nodded her head in understanding before she hugged me again and asked me to go take that much-needed shower. I saw Logan coming towards us from the main door, but I quickly walked away before he could reach me. I'm not in the mood to talk to him right now.

I quickly ascended the stairs, taking two steps at a time. I let out relief as my feet hit the first floor and quickly walked down the hallway towards Logan's room. Just when the door was two steps away from me, someone grabbed my arm from behind before I was pulled into a hard solid chest. Logan's grip tightened on my arm that he held behind my back as our eyes met.

"Logan, leave me." I grit out slowly, trying to wriggle my arm out of his hold.

"How dare you speak like that to me back there? You even had the audacity to cut my call while I'm speaking to you." Logan said his voice so deep and low that sent shivers down my spine.

"Yes, I have the audacity. Even I won't hesitate to kick you in your balls if you don't leave me at this instant." I threaten him. Logan's nose flared, his ear turning red in anger.

"Lia. Stop acting like this or else," he warned sternly.

"Or else what?" I raise my chin up. "You'll ignore me as you did for the past three days? Or even you'll break up with me?"

"Don't put words in my mouth, Karolia."

"Stop it, Logan. Stop with this act." I say tiredly. Logan pulled me closer, his grip tightening to a point I winced in pain. I look down, my eyes filled with tears. I c-can't. This is just too much for me.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, acting clueless. I look at him in disbelief, tears finally rolling down my cheeks. Logan's eyes softened and his gaze followed my rolling tears. His Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed heavily. As his grip slackened, I quickly wrenched my arm away and cradled it to my chest.

"I was so worried about you, Lia," Logan said exasperated. His face looks tired, bags under his eyes, and a five 'o'clock shadow covering his beard area. "I couldn't imagine anything happening to you and it wrecked me. I've never experienced -"

"Don't act like you care." I spit out angrily. Logan looks taken aback and his face displayed disbelief.

"W-What?" he stuttered.

"Why do you act like you care? You don't have to put on a show for everyone."

"Are you insane?" he raised his voice. His echo bounced among the silent walls and I'm pretty sure it could be heard downstairs. But I didn't flinch. "Of course, I'll be worried about you. I f**king care about you," he yelled into my face, holding my shoulders.

"Oh stop it, Logan." I roll my eyes, harshly pushing his hands off my body. "I'm done with your bullshit!"

"What-"

"You didn't even acknowledge my presence in the past days." I cut him off angrily. At this point, we didn't care if someone was listening to our conversation. "Do you have any idea how messed up I was all this time? How vulnerable and clueless I was about not knowing what was happening to you, to us? You wouldn't even bother to tell me what was going on."

"I was busy alright!" he yelled and I rolled my eyes.

"Excuses excuses! I know you're angry at me. But you weren't ready to speak to me. This isn't the Logan I know. Whenever I tried to talk to you, you always cut me off."

"Yes, I was angry at you. Angry that you hid important things from me, you kept secrets when we promised not to hide anything from each other. But I didn't purposely avoid you, Lia. I had a lot of things going on in my mind"

"Yeah, whatever." I rolled my eyes in exasperation. I'm not hearing any more of this stupid conversation.

I turned around and quickly opened Logan's bedroom door and entered in. The Logan who always knew my every move and emotion earlier is now saying he didn't notice as he had a lot of things going in his mind. I wonder what additional weight he kept on his shoulder in the past four days that he became so oblivious to everything.

"Karolia," Logan entered the room as well and shut the door close, a bit loudly. "We're not done talking," he said and tried to catch my wrist. But I quickly pulled my hand away even before he could touch it.

"You're not. But I'm." I muttered and walked towards the bathroom. But yet again, I couldn't enter without any obstacle as Logan grabbed my shoulders from behind before he turned me around and slammed me to the bathroom door. His hands trailed from my shoulders to my waist before he closed in the small space between us. Even though I struggled against him in the beginning I stopped since I knew very well that it wouldn't do much change. He is as persistent as me. Maybe a bit more. We both were breathing heavily in pure anger and frustration. The tension in the room was so high but both of us weren't ready to give up.

"Look into my eyes, Karolia" Logan ordered but I didn't listen to him and kept my eyes fixated on his chest. "Karolia," he warned slowly and his tone reduced to an octave.

"I don't have any reason to. So, make me," I said, rolling my eyes but my anger was evident and I made sure of it.

"Gladly," he retorted and I didn't expect anything less from him. He is not someone to back off from any type of challenges and I know he would go to any extent to get what he wants. What I expected him to do was raise my chin with his fingers or cup my cheeks and force me to do it, but I never expected his next move.

Logan's one hand went behind me and placed it on the small of my back, making sure I didn't escape while his other hand grabbed my hair from behind and tugged it hard, thus effectively raising my head upwards and our gaze met. I let out a groan at the sudden unexpected movement and gasped, my eyes widened. Logan had a smirk of satisfaction on his lips before he turned into a scowl.

"I'm not naive, Lia. I saw how disturbed you were and how clueless I made you," he stated. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"But you didn't do anything about it," I said. Logan's jaw clenched.

"Yes, I didn't. Because…" he struggled to find words.

"Because what? You were done with me and didn't care whatever happened to me, right?"

"What? Of course Not. Why would I be done with you or even break up with you?" he exclaimed in disbelief. I chuckled humorlessly.

"You tell me," I stressed. "Then what do you expect me to think Logan. Right after I said I was the reason your mother battled for her life, you stormed out of my apartment and we haven't talked to each other properly since that day. I always pretended to sleep whenever you arrived and waited for you to cuddle or even touch me, but you never did. What else am I supposed to think other than you're done with me, huh?" I yell into his face, tears again falling down from my eyes.

Logan's face displayed shock but I was also able to see the regret in it. He swallowed harshly before closing his eyes and placing his forehead on mine. "I-I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I instilled such doubts in you, love. But I will never break up with you. I could never do that." he said. A sob escaped my lips and I closed my eyes as well.

"I was angry at you, but I was more.. guilty. Guilty that I failed to notice what was happening to you or what you were going through. I was guilty that I wasn't there for you, that you had to rush to Olivier to end your problems. I was angry at myself more than I was angry at you. I couldn't even look into your eyes properly without these thoughts rushing into my head."

I bit my lip as he revealed what was going on in his mind. How did we reach a point where both of us couldn't figure out what each other's thoughts were?

"I-I thought I lost you," I admitted the fear I had in me for these past few days. Losing him will be my worst nightmare and I don't think I can survive that. I clenched my eyes shut, letting the tears fall.

"Never, You'll never lose me, love. I'm not letting you go away anymore." He declared which made my heart rate increase again. But this time it was because of the feeling of surety.

With trembling hands, I cupped his face and stood on my tiptoes before pressing my lips on his. Just as our lips connected, fireworks and other overwhelming feelings rushed to me in an instant and my knees would have buckled down if Logan wasn't holding me tightly.

Our mouth battled with each other, pouring out all our feelings into it. Our hands were roaming each other's body and soon my head hit the mattress with Logan on top of me.

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