Zach Gets a Date?

KND Newbase

GC: Hey Vriska, back when I was in Termina, one of the Giants used the word "Matesprite." You know what that is?

AG: It's the term we use for girlfriends or 8oyfriends. I remem8er Majora had quite the thing for Miyuki. Are they still keeping touch?

GC: Unfortunately, Zanifr's been hanging around Iceland for that very reason. -_-

AG: How unfortun8 that you have one girlfriend lost. :::; )

There was a knock at Cheren's office door. "'ey, Cherry, we're having some trouble in the mess hall." Panini entered. "Zach's holding up the line again with his ludicrous requests."

Cheren closed the laptop. "I know joking is his superpower, but there's a thing called using your powers for selfish reasons." He sighed as he headed out.

"…" Panini seized the chance to look at Cheren's laptop. Nothing noteworthy was displayed except his KND files. "Hmmm…"

Cheren discovered a line of impatient operatives outside the kitchen. He sighed once more and made his way to the front. "Zach, I keep telling you over and over," Yuzu stated, "we don't serve Dolly Meat, we never had any Chocolate Magnets, and above all, TADPOLE MILK DOES NOT EXIST!"

"Well, it's clear to me that SOMEONE doesn't believe in 'customer is always right.'" Zach huffed. "Cheren, one of your employees isn't following basic protocol."

"You're right, Zach, and his name is you. Either order something that exists or leave."

"ALLOW ME to solve this crisis!" declared a girl's voice from the back of the line.

Haaaalleluja! The girl in question was Japanese, with bowl-cut brown hair, brown eyes, a pink top with purple shorts, and a police hat. "Mako Mankanshoku, Newbase Guard, reporting for duty!" She zipped up to between Yuzu and Zach, startling the two. "What seems to be the nature of your distress?!"

Yuzu blinked confusedly. "Um, Zach is holding up the line. Could you please remove him?"

"Not until I get my Tadpole Milk!"

"Zach, there is no such thing as-"

"Of course there is!" Mako proclaimed.

"THERE IS?" they chorused (including Zach).

"Allow me to demonstrate!" Mako got a tadpole from her pocket and put it on the lunch line. "If you use a Diamondium magnifying glass," she possessed said item, "you'll notice little seaweed-like filaments. It is from these filaments, you must carefully squeeze with two strands of nosehair." She picked two nosehairs, and it was shown on the magnifying glass as she carefully touched the two together against the utter. She put a plastic cup underneath to catch the near-micro drop of green milk. "Afterwards, all it takes is a quick spell from a wizard to make a satisfactory drink, otherwise you need a few thousand tadpoles. Wendy, if you would?" She passed the cup to the wizard.

"Um, okay? Engorgio…" Wendy cast a soft spell and expanded the micro drop to fill the cup. "Here you are, Zach."

She placed it in Zach's open hand, but he and the operatives remained awestruck at what had just happened. "…Son of a BEACHBALL, why didn't I think of a Diamondium magnifying glass?!"

"Because Diamondium doesn't EXIST!" Maddy inferred.

"No, you can find some in Galaxia." Vweeb commented from Arianna's shoulder. "I can't imagine anyone cutting it down for a magnifying glass…"

"Now, listen, Zach, the next time a lunch lady tells you a food doesn't exist," Mako begins, "you need to remind her that EVERY food was born in a plane of nonexistence, before finding its way to the brain of a perverted man with a mustache and using it as the portal to a world infested by ravenous monsters who will inevitably devour them." She seemed to change form for brief seconds during the respective points (i.e. a hamburger in white space, a venomous demon looming over it, then wiping her mouth while the hamburger's family had a funeral).

"But more importantly, you SHOULDN'T hold up a food line," she told him scoldingly, "because although it's tragic, food knows that deep down, it's fated to perish in the bowels of we hungry humans (and fellow aliens)," she said to Team Vweeb, "because as their bodies decay in our digestive acids, their souls ascend to the beauty of Food Heaven, where humans are treated as food like they always dreamed! After all, vengeance is in the Bible."

She took out a tape-recorder and clicked it. Haaaalleluja! the track played. "She's not wrong." Apis shrugged.

Again, the operatives said nothing. Anyone who could baffle Zach with utter nonsense needed no comment. "I never saw the world more clearly until now!!" Zach dropped his tray and bowed down. "Teach me, Padawan!"

"Dude, the Padawan is the apprentice." Cheren rolled his eyes.

"Well, when you think about it," Mako began, "a teacher is only a teacher if she has someone to teach, and it is only through the student that she learns how good a teacher she is, so in a way, a teacher is also a student, which also means she never graduated, but they teach us anyway, so we know it's okay to be an undergraduate!" She grinned.

". . . So, when's your break?" Zach asked.

"There's never a break from life! Except for sleep. Do you ever wonder if you're dead when you're asleep?"

"I always imagined your body transforms into a bear and you have to think its winter to avoid eating everybody."

"I can respect that! Let's discuss it over some Tadpole Milk! Here, I'll throw your lunch in the dishwasher real quick." Mako scooped up Zach's fallen tray and rushed to the kitchen.

". . . Did Zach just. . . get a date?" Maddy asked.

"Where did she even come from?" Chris followed.

"Oh, she graduated back in May." Panini answered. "You know, when all of ya were… busy. Ay think her report was almost the same as Zach's."

"A girl who's as crazy as Zach…" Dillon shook his head. "Say, Kirie, didn't you use to have a crush on him?"

Ehhh… I'm over it. Kirie grinned and scratched her head. Tronta's cute, though. His body matches my EYES!

"Is this line EVER gonna move??" Tronta complained. "I ain't hearing any footsteps! We drove like a billion light-years to eat here, you know."

"Maybe a new scene will pass the time." Vweeb said.

King Dutchman

Somewhere, in a realm that was now blank on all dimensional maps, with giant road signs reading DO NOT ENTER…

"Please, excuse the sorry state of our dimension!" Bill told his alignment of guests. "It's under renovations at the moment! Ahem… Members of Lord English's Backup Army, you have chosen this position because you did not want to face the destruction awaiting your homeworlds! I can safely promise that your decision to serve us will be rewarded with ideal dream worlds of your own. Do your very best to make His Lordship proud! Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?"

"I am the Millennium Earl." said the chubby gray scientist with a giant grin and thin top-hat. "Akuma and weapons manufacturer for The Thirteen."

"Sephiroth." A black-clothed man with silver hair, one blue angel wing, and a long katana spoke directly. "Shinra Electric Power Company."

"Ragyō Kiryūin, CEO of Revocs Corporation and Voice of the Life Fibers." A woman in white fancy clothes and bright neon hair.

"General Esdeath of the Partas Clan." A young woman with a white army uniform, whitish-blue hair, and a strange tattoo over her cleavage. Her eyes were sharp and cold.

"I AM DIO!" shouted a sharp-toothed man with golden hair, eyes, and attire. "And I demand a MILLION tasty morsels to obey me before I call you my equal—will you GET YOUR HAIR out of my face, you useless bitch?!" he yelled to Ragyō as her rainbow hair glinted off his eyes.

"Am I really going to have to work with this back-alley trash?" Ragyō remarked.

"USELESS BITCH, USELESS BITCH, USELESS USELESS USELEEEEEESS!!" Dio mercilessly ripped off the woman's limbs and ripped the limbs into pieces. Red threads connected the parts together and sewed Ragyō back.

"Who wants to guess my favorite?" Bill raised a brow at the readers. "Now, I expect the lot of you to play nice with each other, not very many people are given the honor of serving the most powerful being in the universe. You may be a Backup Army, but that's no reason to think of yourselves any lesser than your peers. Heck, work hard enough and maybe Xehanort will fix you a Keyblade! Anyhow, you've joined at a great time. We've recently installed a hot spring chamber, and my cohorts are resting there as we speak. Why don't I take you to say hello?"

Taking over a multiverse was a tasking job, even to these future kings and gods. But Bill was proud of his underlings for how much they accomplished, so the least they deserved was a hot spring room. There was a normal tub and a purple tub of darkness for the demons. Bathing in the normal spring were Madara, Aizen, Blackbeard, Zeref, and Thanos. Thankfully, the pool was deep enough to suit titans. Ganondorf, Zorc, and Voldemort had the dark pool.

"Mmmmmnnn…" The tub's heat made Thanos' mind foggy. He held up his left hand and stared intently. "My left hand is bigger than the right… the Infinity Gauntlet is making it swell. You know, I destroyed five different Gotham Cities yesterday. Me and Yellow Diamond are tired of all the reboots."

"You're a monster." Zeref sighed.

"And YOU'RE a mood-killer." Teach remarked, eating a giant wedge of cheese. "My GOD, this cheese is amazing! Voldemort, where did you say it was from?!"

"A town called Al Mamoon… COUGH, cough!" The frail pale wizard exhaled.

"You're all wasteful." Madara said, drinking a bottle of saké with Aizen. "All I need to do is throw everyone in a world into slumber with my Tsukuyomi. There is no reason for conflict."

"I don't think Bill lets them have very good dreams." Aizen replied. "Still, Tsukuyomi sounds like it would be one hell of a drug."

"Oh, BOYS! Sorry to interrupt the sausage fest, but I thought you would like some new company!" Bill walked in with the Backup Army behind him. "MEET the Backup Army! No, I'm not thinking of replacing any of you, I just thought we needed the extra help."

"Oh, goody, a hot spring!" Millennium Earl beamed. "I haven't had a good rinsing in eons!" He disrobed and bounced into the Dark Spring.

"Oh, great." Ganondorf groaned. "That's just what we need. More imbeciles."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!" DIO jumped into the spring and splashed his way over, locking arms with Ganon in an arm-wrestle fashion. "I am DIO, Lord of the Vampires, and in my world I am a GOD!"

"Yeah, yeah." Ganon casually set his hand aflame. "I heard it before."

"AGH!" DIO splashed his burning hand in the spring—"WHY WON'T THE WATER DOUSE IT?!"

"Pitiful child." Zorc snickered.

"Ahhhh…" The minute Esdeath's naked body set foot in the normal spring, the water cooled. "The water is magnificent. …" She paid a glance to Zeref beside her. "You're a cute one. Have a girlfriend?"

"I did. Once. …She's dead." Zeref spoke grimly.

"Aww, that's a shame. I guess that means you're open." She softly stroked his cheek.

"If I was interested, you would be dead."

"My God, you're delightful."

"I'll show ya delightful." Teach smirked. "Oi, you with the over-compensating sword, cut this boy's head!"

Sephiroth raised his blade and chopped Zeref's head. The wizard sighed in agony. "ZEE HA HA! We play 'Try To Kill Zeref' as a pastime!" Teach laughed.

"Unfortunately, no one wins."

"Not until TODAY!" DIO climbed out of the Dark Spring, grabbed Zeref's head, and froze it solid before crushing it to pieces. All those jillion pieces melted in the spring and reformed again. "Wow. Suddenly, everybody's good at reforming their body."

"Not everybody." Madara said, remembering someone similar to Zeref.

"Well, aren't you men handsome." Ragyō surfaced between Madara and Aizen. "You know, most bathhouses keep men separate from women. Of course, Adam and Eve were of opposite gender, yet there were no walls to divide them. After all…" She wrapped hands around the two in a seductive fashion. "Being in a tub with a naked woman creates unsettling feelings, doesn't it?"

"COUGH, COUGH!" Voldemort began to climb out of his tub. "I need more unicorn blood!"

"OH MY GOD!!" Ragyō shut her eyes at the atrocious sight.

"Nudity is officially a sin." Aizen commented.

"I like it here already." Sephiroth said, relaxing in the dark spring. "So, Ganondorf… who's the kid? Is he Bill's brother or something?"

"I am the King of Darkness, you ignorant bird!" Zorc growled.

"So he claims." Ganon chuckled. "In fact, Dio almost looks like he's their elder."

"It's pronounced DIO!" Dio hissed.

"That's what I said."

"No, you have to shout it in big letters. DIO!"

"How about I lower-case the 'd' instead?"

"Lookee, I already made a card for you!" Zorc drew a crayon picture of Dio on a card, labeled 'deo.'

"I REFUSE TO BE MOCKED BY YOU IGNORANT FOOLS ANY LONGER! I WILL ESTABLISH MY AUTHORITY, NO MATTER HOW MANY ALL CAPS I HAVE TO USE. I AM LORD DIO, AND I AM A GOD AMONG MAN AND DEMON! And I command all of you to FREEZE BEFORE MY STUDDED GLORY!" With a flashy flex of his diamond-hard muscles, the bathroom froze along with the entire Dutchman.

"…Well, there's one more person I won't be marrying." Esdeath said, conceding defeat.

"I just realized I can't use my Devil Fruit in this water…" Teach grunted.

"Ahhh… It's so nice to see new friends getting along." Bill smiled, frozen as well. "And I thought the Brotherhood of Evil had a nice cast. Now we're making them look like a joke."

Murphy Household; that night

Maddy returned home after a long day of no work, watching Amazon Gladiators on TV—it was actually a broadcast from Amazonia that was recorded and sent to her by Mocha, for her friend enjoyed taking part in the bouts. Her front door opened, looking up to see her brother finally come home. "Zach? Did you spend the whole day with that girl?"

"Maddy, it was amazing!" Zach was flapping his arms in a silly fashion. "Mako and I grew a steak tree today! At first, I was confused because steak is a meat and meat isn't a plant, but then she pointed out that animals grow like plants, even though they're made of meat, so all we had to do was put skin cells in the water and let 'em work their magic! Look, I brought us a prime cut baby steak!" He handed Maddy a cradle.

"Waaaaah!" A baby steak was crying.

"Ew!" She set it aside. "Well, it sounds like you had fun. You gonna hang out with her again?"

"Yep, we're gonna meet up tomorrow! Did you know Mako has a little brother, too? He wants to become a Master Thief when he grows up—their parents don't support him, but Mako does, because he's likely to find a genie lamp and marry a rich princess!"

"Or maybe he'll touch an ancient pirate treasure and be cursed into a skeleton. So, you going to entertain me with some late night comedy again? (I never realized how quiet it was without you.)"

"Actually, I was thinking of converting the living room into a banana factory run by magma demons, but I realized they would just burn everything they touch, so with no bananas, everybody in the world will switch to apples, and the gods will have to change the color of the sun to red to appeal to the popular opinion! Soooo… I really got nothin'. But I'll have a new plan soon, just you wait! No sister of mine is goin' to bed without laughs! Until then, I'll be in my Think Dome!" He ran off.

"Don't be late for dinner, Zach! Sigh…" She propped her elbow on the armrest. "'Guess I get a few more minutes of no headache."

Zach came to dinner still in his Think Dome, which was a round metal shelter. Little aliens flew out in mini saucers to take pieces of Zach's food to carry it inside. "So, did anything happen today, Son?" Doug asked.

"SILENCE! HIS INSERIOUSNESS IS THINKING!" an alien shouted.

"First I heard of it."

"Zach met a girl today." Maddy answered for him. "They spent the day together."

"He's already dating?" Gwen asked. "Just when I thought I figured out his maturity rate."

"Don't get your hopes up, Mom. It sounds like this girl is gonna make him more whacky than ever."

"But that's a good thing, isn't it? Since we know why Zach behaves like he does?" Doug mentioned. "By the way, told you it wasn't my fault."

"Yeah, but it also means we won't get a good night's rest. Just wait, second Zach pops out of that dome, it's 'Drink Your Milk' heavy metal."

However, the rest of their night was relaxing and quiet. Zach remained inside his Think Dome, and no jokes echoed from within its walls. The next morning, when Maddy went down to the dining room, she saw the dome was still there. "Zach?" She knocked on it. "You aren't over-exerting your brain cells, are you? Zach?"

She climbed on and opened the hatch at the top, gasping quietly. Zach had turned into a tree stump with a frowning, dumb face. Maddy climbed off and casually picked the dome up and threw it aside, exposing her brother to the light. "Zach, what's wrong?"

"…I'm a stump."

"You're stumped?"

Zach changed back, "I can't think of anything! One minute, I wanna open a jackhammer massaging service, but the jackhammers wanna be paid in snowcones, because the coldness of snowcones can freeze someone's tastebuds stiff, but as jackhammers have no tastebuds, it'll have the opposite effect, allowing jackhammers to retire happily on Candycane Mountain. Then I finally thought I had something with my idea for gorilla lullabies, but you wouldn't BELIEVE what they-"

"Zach, just get to the point!"

"I've been infected by Mako's logicitis! She's so smart, and she's funny at the same time! IT'S USUALLY ONE OR THE OTHER! I mean, why else do you think Mr. Gilligan wasn't funny?! Because he already chose smarts! And Numbuh 4 was so stupid, you just wanna laugh! Though I heard once that he was dropped when he was little, and it's impolite to laugh at someone who's brain-damaged—but it's okay for kids to do it 'cause they don't know any better, so in a way they're stupid too, so it's okay to laugh—SEE, I'M DOING IT AGAIN!"

"I think I see what the problem is, Zach." Maddy smirked. "You're clearly in love with Mako. You love her so much, she's the only thing you think about. It's even surpassing your love for comedy."

He gasped. "You're right! Then there's only one thing I can do to fix my stumpiness!"

Newbase

"YOU'RE DECOMMISSIONING YOURSELF?!" Maddy panicked.

"I can't stop thinking about her, Maddy! There's no other solution: erasing my memory is the only way to get my comedy back!"

"But this means you're going to set your mind back three years! That means by the time this voyage is over, you'll be as strong as you were RIGHT NOW! It's not worth it!"

"I MUST!" Tears of passion leaking from his eyes, he plopped himself in the seat. "Laughter is the only thing I'm good at! It's the only way I'm useful! If the power of laughter will help me save the universe, I'll sacrifice it over my memory!" He aimed to push the button.

"STOP, YOU IDIOT!" Maddy grabbed his arm to restrain him. "There has to be another way!"

"THERE IS!!" called a voice from the entrance.

Haaaalleluja! Mako crossed her arms in an 'X' and made her presence known. "According to Zach's last X-ray, his brain is the size of a pea, so the memory-wiping force of a toilet plunger will suck it out altogether. It'll ruin his sense of humor worse than love would. But it's not love that's hurting Zach's comedy: IT'S A LACK OF CONFIDENCE!"

"Confidence?" repeated Maddy.

"Indeed, Zach was so befuddled by my intellect that he thought his own intellect was inferior. Which it is, but in a good way! Because after all, laughter is a medicine that ALL doctors should prescribe! But it isn't just me that's lowering his confidence. It's YOU, MADDY!"

"Me?!"

"You're so serious and boring, you never laugh at Zach's jokes OR support his gags! You make him feel like he isn't funny! Sure, you might get annoyed if he holds up a line, but Zach is being who he is, and that makes him special!"

"…Do I… really make you feel that way, Zach?"

"…I never thought about it." Zach scratched his forehead. "It never bothered me that much before, honestly. I mean, sisters are supposed to be unfunny."

"That much is true!" Mako declared with a raise of a finger. "But a good sister always supports her brother! And they stick to each other 'til the very end! Just like Dipper and Mabel!"

Somewhere else, Mabel had glued hers and her brother's cheeks together. Mabel was grinning, but Dipper was frowning.

"But Zach has other people that do gags with him. Like Jar Jar." Maddy told her.

"True, but if Zach did gags with you, you may find that his humor becomes a bit better. Which may lead to stronger attacks." Mako winked.

"Maybe you're right… All right, Zach, how about it?"

"I guess we could do something together. But what if Mako's logicitis gets to me again?!"

"Then just remember that logic doesn't always need attention!" Mako stated confidently. "And if it gets in the way, just work around it with a little nonsense! Zach… I would like you to have something. I brought it from home to give to you." Mako took off a black jacket and gave it to him.

"What is it?"

"This jacket was worn by a close friend of mine. It made her feel confident, even though she was a real nutcase, and liked to strip a lot! I'm sure it'll do the same for you."

"…" Zach stared at the piece of clothing in his hands. "Thank you… Senpai."

"You're welcome. Good-bye… Padawan."

The chamber turned into a grass meadow under an orange sky. "MAKOOOOO!" Zach ran after his beloved, crying. "DON'T LEAVE ME! There's so much I don't know!"

"You will find your way, Zachary!" Mako was sailing away in a flying balloon house. "I know you will! Trust in your heart!"

"My teacheeeeerrrr!"

"This isn't farewell, Zach! I will see you again… at lunch today! Just look for me… across the mess hall!"

Zach collapsed to his hands, wetting the ground with tears. He heard footsteps behind him: the steps of his sister. "Zach… isn't there something we should be doing?"

"Maddy?" He turned around.

She was wearing a banana bunch hat and holding multiple jackhammers. "It's time to open that banana factory."

"…" He wiped his tears. "I'll get the snowcones! Wait, where should we build the factory?"

"This open field looks pretty good."

"Neato! Let's get to work!" And with that, the peaceful sunset meadow was overshadowed by a factory that reeked with potassium. The sunset was forever blocked by the structure.