Chapter 10

To be honest I’m not sure what I am.

Don’t say: ‘human, duh’

I’m talking about if I am a fighter, a magician, a politician, or whatever.

If I had to say, I’d choose fighter of course.

Father is a fighter, a swordsman.

But, I have to unite 4 continents. And in those continents are terrifying monsters, the tier 6 mages.

It is impossible to win using brute strength.

So I wonder, are my abilities that I have to awaken when I’m 16 physically oriented, or magically? Or do I become the ruler through persuasion, with words, and my abilities enhance that effect?

So I live, I live again and again.

Sometimes I die painlessly, which I appreciate.

Other times are so slow and painful.

But somehow it became a boring process.

Am I a monster?

I started to call my lives ‘rounds’.

I always tried to survive each time.

I did my best.

I erased all threats that I know of, yet I still die.

Is it possible for a person to die in so many ways?

Do the gods hate me or something?

Aaaaaaaaaaah. I don’t know.

That’s the thing isn’t it? I never know.

Stupid, idiot, useless Kannon.

I want to die.

Why do I have to go through this.

Can’t I just... let go?

But even if I die, I simply ‘regress’.

I can’t even ‘die’.

I thought it was a blessing at first.

I mean, I could redo my entire life, and make it better.

It’s just surviving 16 years. I don’t have to do impossible things like killing a dragon or defeating a tier 6 mage.

So why is it so hard?

I think I already lost hope.

At this point, I am no longer ‘alive’. I am simply ‘existing’.

I stared blankly at the ceiling as I was being gutted.

My body, my reflex, wanted to scream.

But I simply watch as my life force leaves my body.

Soon I entered the endless darkness.

Where I have nothing, I can’t leave, I can’t die, I can’t live either. I simply exist, unable to sleep.

Always conscious, always having to think, until the tug appears.

If I refuse to go the direction it wants, nothing happens.

But that is the point. Nothing happens.

Nothing at all.

I am alone, in an eternal darkness, unable to sleep, nothing to do. I am forced to go along.

This is the 17th round.

I died 16 times. Strange, to say you die more than once.

I stare wordlessly at the old man.

He looks at me as he always does, with a slightly pained face, but he turns around, not saying a word and begins to turn the wheel.

That damned wheel.

The reason why I am like this.

He seems to pity me, that old man.

Ah man. Wasn’t there I time I was the one pitying him?

I think it was over a century ago.

I ‘lived’ longer than anyone else. There is a saying isn’t there?

The older you live, the wiser you are. Bullshit.

I close my eyes.

If it is like this, the only way out is to survive until I am 16.

So from now on, I will only focus on that.

…

How did it become like this.

I thought it would be over quicker.

Kannon gained an ability that wasn’t restricted by the 16 year old limitation, which was to keep memories from the past regressions.

I thought he would be able to survive after a few regressions.

He always shone brightly.

Like a star, just like I did before I ascended.

His soul is massive, and equally pure.

Although the memories from before he gained the ability aren’t remembered, they are engraved in his soul.

A normal person's soul would have collapsed by now.

It would self-destruct, overloaded, and never return in the cycle of reincarnation.

A permanent death, a death even a God cannot escape.

His soul handled all that, but now his psyche is shattered.

Perhaps it was better that he never gained the ability to remember his past rounds.

Perhaps, he should have stayed ignorant to the very end.

I don’t want to watch him like this.

...If only I could take his place.

He wouldn’t have to suffer.

There are so few ways to restore his psyche..

Ah.

So that is why…

Perhaps the world is not ‘cruel’. However, it is evil. But I am exceedingly clear on how futile it is to place human standards and human ‘justice’ on a God.

A God is a completely different kind of being after all, it is impossible for a God to understand a human’s principle.

The good and bad of humans can’t apply to Gods.

It is ironic for me to say it, as I am someone close to being a God.

I hesitate, but I continue watching. It is my duty.

It is my responsibility.

It is the least I can do for you, Kannon.