192. Of rebirths, futures and a little bit of courage

Lilith

"Don't fear me, please," she begged, her voice much softer than the harsh whiplash I had expected. "Look at me, you know who I am. We've already met, haven't we? I'm still the same."

"You're not," I whispered. "The girl I just met, she couldn't have… she wouldn't have… ended her." Cassandra, if it even was her at this point, sighed heavily and banished her armour with a gesture. She wore a simple, white tunic underneath, embroidered with runes. My gaze travelled down her long, bare legs, but I remembered just in time what she had done.

"And neither did I," she replied solemnly. "Here, take her."

"Wha…" I managed to mumble before her wings came together in her outstretched hand. A wave of silver exploded outwards and when the glare subsided, she held a pristine, smooth, black-red orb in her hand, glowing from within. With a flick of her hand she threw the thing at me and when I scrambled to catch it, my fingertips brushing over the warm surface, the amount of power stored within nearly drove me to my knees. There was only one thing in existence that could store so much energy, but I still couldn't believe what my intuition knew to be true.

"Is that…" I whispered.

"Yup. Delilah, save, sound, free and completely oblivious. What you hold in your hand is what she was, what we all were before life happened to us. I'm sorry, but from a certain perspective, she truly is gone. There's no way to keep the Corruption at bay without cleansing the core. Even the memories stored in there are burned. She'll have to start anew. In her case, that might even be an upside. She truly was one messed up freak. Who knows, maybe she can grow into something special, now." Her eyes were sparkling mischievously, but I didn't dare ask.

"But how… you could have killed her, couldn't you?"

"Probably. Destroying a core is not that simple but I've got the tools to do it. I've never done it before… not in this skin, at least. As for your unspoken why… you said it yourself. That's not me. I only kill when I have to, to ensure the safety of me and mine. By now, that's not nearly as often necessary as you seem to believe, I haven't changed that much. I'm not looking to destroy our race or change it to fit my own ideals… I just won't allow our siblings to play god any longer."

My thoughts were racing and I was already on the verge of wrapping my tongue around a veritable bombardment of questions when I felt the core in my hand gradually heat up.

"You don't have much time, do you?" I finally asked.

"No… what Delilah did, shattering the rules of space and time, that's a trick she's not up to without the additional force her corrupted core could muster. Soon, it will crack under the strain unless the wounds in reality are closed by then. And they won't for as long as I'm here."

"Can't you… you know, take the strain?"

"I could, but the consequences would even be more dire. I don't have the skill to manipulate and heal reality at the same time. All I can do is overpower the binding forces underneath and that's something you don't want, trust me. There are only a handful of us who have to knowledge and… as much as it pains me to admit it, the intellect to do such a thing. If I was to try, I'd create an anomaly that'd slowly grow. Like a cancer... like corruption. There's no telling what could happen and as soon as I'd subjugate her magic, I fear we'd find out quickly enough."

My thoughts were reeling, but with a mental twist I shoved away the suffocating mass of doubts and emotions to focus on the present. "Alright, then. I assume you have a few things to tell me and I only have one question beforehand… two, actually. What do you expect me to do and where are my siblings? Why does it feel like hell has been raided? Make that three questions."

"Your siblings… they are hurting. Some have fallen, others have been captured, a few are untouched. I can't go into more detail without destroying the core in your hand and that's hardly worth it. There was battle… maybe there still is. Tread carefully. Treachery and…" she paused when I hissed in pain, the orb in my hand glowing white hot. "Huh… fine. I guess we'll have to leave it at that. But there's no reason to despair. Not everything is as glum as it seems. But for now, there's only a handful of immortals outsides of Gaya you can trust. As for what I expect you to do…. nothing. I'm not here to coerce or threaten you. I came here to save… a friend. That's it."

"The last time we talked, you didn't seem enamoured with the idea of us being friends. Don't you remember?" She chuckled and now I clearly saw the girl, I had just left behind, in her.

"Oh, I am…was, but it'll take a while before I can admit as much, even to myself. You're still right though, now that we've met, there are a few things I'd like you to know. Sooner or later, you'll tell me about this meeting. When it comes to that, make sure Ahri isn't around. I don't mistrust her, but me telling her myself is vastly important. Secondly, don't return too quickly. Explore he'll, find out for yourself what has happened. And don't trust in everything you're going to find. Looks can be deceiving… as can memories. Thirdly…" she paused, her eyes travelling to the glowing core in my hand. We heard a soft chiming sound like vibrating glass and a crack appeared on the orb, a glowing gap that oozed transcendent power like blood.

"Thirdly, I think my time's up." Her wings disappeared and her crown vanished before her whole body became insubstantial. "One more question," she said. "Don't waste it."

"How long do we have?" She was gone and I thought I wouldn't get an answer but after another second, a fragile, distorted voice reached my ears. "When the tree blooms for the first time, it'll begin within a year." Great, prefect. What was I to make of that cryptic bullshit? Even if it was the truth? Which tree? What would begin? Seven sins, caring really sucked. Royally.

Oh well, for now I knew where I had to go. If there had been a battle, or one was still raging on the other side, I had to know what was going on. I squared my shoulders, placed the core in a pocket dimension and wrapped myself in a layer of shadow before I drifted through the gate, more quietly than a whisper.

Mordred Pendragon

I hadn't even realised that I had automatically turned towards the harbour. Cheap drinks or even cheaper fights seemed rather appealing and would do wonders in helping me clear my mind. Or at least cloud it enough to get some resemblance of peace. But naturally, before I had taken more than a few handful of steps, my plans came to an abrupt hold. A silver fox was barring my way and from the looks of it, she wasn't too pleased with how I was acting. Understandable but the last thing I wanted to deal with, right now. Really, was it too much to ask to sulk for a while?

Before she could say anything, I blurted out: "whatever you have to say, get it over with quickly, please. I'm going to get drunk and into a brawl and there isn't much you can do to stop me."

"I don't want to stop you. I'd like to come along." My mouth must have dropped to the ground, judging from the sly smile that spread over her face. I had expected a lecture, maybe even a bit of support or advice, but I sure as all hells hadn't expected my mum to join me on a booze cruise. Honestly, the idea held about as much appeal as cuddling with a hedgehog. The only thing that stopped me from answering with a resounding no was, that I actually didn't mind the chance to talk to her without anyone else around. I'd have to skip some, if not all, of the drinks, but spending a few hours with her might be… peaceful and just what I needed. Over the last few days, I had been mostly stuck in my room with Erya, which incidentally had helped at the moment, but felt rather hollow, looking back. She was great company, but every time we had gotten near anything important, she had closed up. Ultimately, I had been nothing more than distraction to her, even though one she cherished, at least I hoped so, and it had been the same for me, she had made sure of that. Maybe spending time with my mum would grant me some clarity. Dealing was better than deflecting anyways, or so I had heard, but I still would have preferred a bottle of whiskey in front of me while doing so. Peppermint tea might be a good alternative for elders but I hadn't reached that age, yet. But then again, she had offered to join, not nag at me, hadn't she?

"Sure, can't stop you either way, can I? But with you there, things might turn out a bit more serious than I had intended. Just saying." She cocked her head and blinked slowly.

"You're a friggin mythical creature, mum. Everybody with half a brain and a lack of coin is going to be after you and with just the two of us, I don't think we'll be intimidating a drunk crowd."

"I thought you were looking for a fight? Don't tell me my big, bad, broody son is afraid."

"Am not. Just pointing out what might happen. I don't have a problem with slitting a throat or two if it comes to that. How about you? I always thought you shied away from bloodshed."

She jumped onto my shoulder and growled deep in her throat. "I do, but… it's not that simple. I'm not going to live like prey for the rest of my life to keep a bunch of greedy idiots from getting their teeth kicked in. And if they insist on throwing their life away in the process… ever since my transformation I just can't find it in me to particularly care about anyone but my family. If they want to find out why nine tailed foxes are revere in legends, I'm more than happy to oblige."

"Huh, I'm not the only one who's struggling with who he is, am I? I guess that would be the time for me to apologise for never having asked before. You just seemed so… detached, in control. I never imagined you were changed that much. Do you blame her?" I leisurely walked down the road while we continued our conversation. The smells surrounding us gradually became more… intense the closer we got to the miasma of human society the harbour exuded in all its glory. It didn't bother me much, though. While there was no reprieve wherever we turned, it still wasn't half as bad as the smells of battle, especially when someone had been gutted close by. Being covered in blood and entrails a few times surely gave you some perspective.

"Cassy? For saving my life? Hardly. She even helped me more than she realises. I don't know if I'd found the strength to keep going. Since your father died, since our home burned, I've been struggling every waking moment. It's much easier for me now to push the memories away as if they belonged to another life. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurting, but I think I can heal... no, I will heal. What about you?"

"I… I just don't know. Sorrow and grief are one thing but when they're tainted with guilt it's… crushing. Honestly, I don't think I can go on like this for much longer. I'm at fault and there's not a damn thing I can do, which you, my sister or one of the others can't accomplish on their own... probably even better. I feel useless… and alone. Like a boy who burned down the stable and now watches his family rebuild from afar… too weak to help."

"You know that's not true, right? You'll never be alone for as long as I live and I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks that way. Your sister, Ahri, Erya… they all cherish you. Maybe not in the way you'd like but they still care for you. If you got yourself to smile once in a while, they wouldn't be the only ones. And as far as your guilt goes… You were used in the worst way imaginable, but yet, you kept going. We wouldn't be here, if it wasn't for you. Your magic allowed us to catch up with the ships, you fought in those hellish catacombs… you've done as much or more as anyone else but you can't see it. I wonder why."

"Because, in contrast to you, the elves or the dwarfs, I'm trying to fix the mess I'm responsible for, whether by choice or idiocy doesn't matter much. Trying to repair something you broke yourself isn't an accomplishment, it's just my responsibility. There's no choice involved and that makes it worthless." The last alert I practically spit out, like an old bone. I'm response, she bit my ear, hard enough to draw blood, and I couldn't suppress a yelp.

"What was that for?"

"Being an idiot all over again. You could have run, you could have curled up, there are a million things you could have done. Of course there was a choice and that you were involved beforehand doesn't make what you did any less… heroic. Otherwise… none of us are guilt free here. Your sister's very birth caused all of this, our, your father's and mine, negligence made the destruction of our home possible and don't even get me started on not being able to see what had happened to you. And then, there your brother, you could blame him as well for running away. But in the end, I don't think it matters. We'll make mistakes for as long as we live. Owning up to them is what's truly important." I remained silent for a while, making my way through the slowly increasing crowd, absentmindedly massaging my ear. In the richer parts of the city where we resided for the moment, people didn't much care for us, manners and restraint keeping their curiosity at bay. The further we got towards the harbour though, the more I felt the pressure of more than superficial glances bear down on us and the turning heads slowly became a cause of worry when one cart or the other lost their track and crashed into a wall or a pedestrian.

"Thanks," I mumbled after a few minutes. After I had cleared my throat, I added: "I needed that. Even if I'm not entirely convinced you're right."

"Mordred, you're my son. Of course I'm not the most objective person you could talk to but that doesn't make the essence of what I've said any less true. But enough of that, now. You said you wanted a drink and a fight. Well, I don't know about the latter but I've learned a thing or two from Pete and if you were to turn right over there, we'd find the supposedly best brew in the city." Was she trying to keep me out of trouble, find a less destructive way for me to vent? Fat chance.

We quickly approached a tall building made from fired clay. It was two stories tall with a steeply angled, shingled roof. The heavy odour of a working brewery seeped through the opened windows on the ground floor and clouds that smelled of fermented barley and wheat rose form two chimneys. Muffled voices filtered through the walls and when I pushed open the heavy, banded oak door, I walked into an overheated, crowded taproom.

Massive barrels filled the space below a staircase that led to the upper floors and the wall behind the counter. Simple, wooden tables with sturdy chairs were crammed into every nook and cranny and despite the rather earlier hour, at least 50 patrons milled about the room and slouched against the bar, their every desire, at least the liquid ones, fulfilled by a busy swarm of waiters. An unfortunate man, whose physique hadn't been able to decide whether he wanted to become a dwarf or a human, too short for the one and too tall for the other, guaranteed a smooth service by barking orders in a deep, gravelly voice that easily drowned out the ruckus of scraping chairs, merry conversation and the occasional eruption of half forgotten songs.

I already very much enjoyed the sight, but when my eyes took in the roped off square that took up almost a quarter of the room, I truly enthused over the scene. Two wolf kin where bowing to each other, their hands wrapped in thick, padded gloves while the final bets were taken by a grey haired, lanky man. That was the kind of entertainment I could get behind, especially now.