402. Of death, rebirth and a little but of fate

Cassandra Pendragon

Cold. I was so cold. Cold and lost. There was nothing around me but a grey void and nothing within me but a faint, waning memory of warmth. When I closed my eyes I thought I could see the crumbling echos of fire and wings but every time I tried to cling to the nourishing heat I recoiled. The most fleeting touch burned me and while I slowly froze, my heart began to blister.

"Why," I tried to cry but I didn't have a mouth, I didn't even have a body to hide within. I had been whipped raw, everything had turned to ash and only the last, most precious part of me was still there. Until it would ossify, until it would become numb and vanish, turn into another frozen memory in a sea of nothingness. I knew I was dying, I knew I was bleeding but I just couldn't bring myself to care. When life is cold, death becomes warm. I couldn't resist anymore, there was nothing left. No hope. No warmth. The end was grey and cold but still I longed for it. I longed for a chance to escape, to forget and flee the fimbulwinter at the end of time. But I knew I couldn't. I had promised, hadn't I? If only I was able to remember…

"Shirking your duty," a frigid voice flowed through the void like frozen determination, "that's a bad idea. We've done it once and now you have to pay. Don't do it again."

"Fuck you," I tired to hiss but the lack of vocal cords turned it into a weak spasm of my formless outline. I couldn't even curse properly. 

A chuckle like breaking glass tore into me as if nails of ice were piercing my ears. "Not quite gone, yet, are we? If you still have the strength to curse me you'll have the strength to escape. But you have to really want it. It's not enough to fear the end, you need something… or someone to return to. You're not alone, Cassandra. You just can't remember, but you'll have to if you want to wake up. Unfortunately I can't blame you for hiding. It's a miracle you pulled through. The memories might kill you, but without them you're as good as dead anyways. Do you know who you are?" It wasn't a conscious thought, but my mind immediately came up with an explanation:

"I am you and you are me." Again I was assaulted by his mirthless laughter.

"Almost but not quite. I'm the part of you that keeps you shackled to your past, that prevents you from living your own life. I'm the shadow behind your throne. I am what makes it impossible for you to open your eyes. Can you imagine why?" Again I didn't know, but the answer came to me:

"I'm on the cusp of ascending. I have to forge myself anew. But…"

"Yes, you've already faced me. Several times if we're being honest. This is different… you went through a crucible you weren't ready for. You've lost yourself. Not to me but as a sacrifice to protect… well, that I can't tell you. You'll have to remember. But that also means remembering what you've done… what made you grow and scared you enough to come here willingly." The grey nothingness didn't change but two more voices suddenly resounded. One low and raspy, the other deep and full of vigour.

"I am sorry, I should've told you sooner, but in here I can't," the former whispered while the latter grunted:

"Never thought I'd see you cower. Are you that disgusted with your own people that you'd rather vanish than shoulder the burdens of what you are? Cassandra… it's you choice, but you should know that you're not only throwing away your own life. I wouldn't even mind if it were just you and me, but it's not. If you give up… the torment of the last century will have been in vain. We'll have suffered for nothing and the one you can't remember… she'll pay the steepest price."

Anger and fear ignited in the dull, frozen landscape of my mind but the fire was extinguished before it could even bloom. "I'm sorry, but I can't. I… there's nothing left…"

"Bullshit," the raspy voice retorted, its inflection marred with a tinge of barely restrained fury. "You can't even fathom how deep your powers actually run. It's not that you can't, you simply don't want to," he added with contempt. "You're hiding because you think you don't deserve to live. You'll fail either way. Better to get it over with, eh?" Something about his words made me pause:

"I… that's not who I am," I thought.

"Damn right it isn't," the one who had spoken to me first replied. "Which means you have to figure out what could frighten you enough to want to change… to want to run away."

"You, it's been you," I slurred, addressing the three of them. "What have you done to me?"

"What you asked for. You needed a truth to evolve and only one was powerful enough to touch your soul," the quiet, hoarse voice answered, its anger gone. "By the thirteen eyes of the abyss this is more difficult than setting it up," he continued exasperatedly. "We could tell you, but then… if you can't find the strength on your own you'll truly die here. Cassandra, it only takes one name, one thought for you to wake up. It'll bring you pain, but also hope. I… I promise."

"But I'm empty! There's nothing within me, no memories, no will…"

"How are you even thinking, then," the deep, martial voice scoffed. "You're wounded, not dead. All you have to do is find the way back. Stop the pointless blabbering and answer me this: what do you need?"

"Warmth," I immediately thought, "fire and flames."

"Goddamn, you're a blind fool," he replied with enough venom to convince me that he'd have beaten me black and blue if he had been able to. "Look behind the curtain. The flames will burn you and no amount of warmth can expel the creeping cold you've been subjected to. Try again. What do you need?" I wanted to flare up, I really meant to, but again I couldn't bring myself to care overly much. Still, his words had struck a chord. What did I need?

"Whom," I whispered, barley able to comprehend my own thoughts. "It should be whom do I need. I… I can't remember. Have I… did I sacrifice…"

"No," the cold voice from the beginning immediately denied. "As much as I like the kid, if that had been our choice she would have perished. Your desires, your needs are sealed behind an iron curtain of fear. You have to push past and what lies beyond will return to you."

"But how," I stammered, "I… I don't even feel scared, how can I remember? There's no way…"

"This," the low, raspy voice explained, "all of it, it is your fear. If you… manage to move you'll see. Get up Cassandra, show me that my labours haven't been in vain. I believe in you. We all do."

With a cruel chuckle the invisible knight added: "I'll even do you one better and smack you straight. But you must find your will to live. You must remember…"

"Her name," the cold voice concluded. "She'll pull you out. If you can't… we'll stay with you until the end." He paused and his inflection changed: "you're not alone, Cassandra. You haven't been for the longest time… Shadows fall. And hope has fled. Steel your heart…"

"The dawn will come," I breathed and for the first time I actually heard my voice. "The light will rise, darkness' demise. A promise kept, a thundering drum, without regret, the dawn will come."

I screamed as my power suddenly surged in my chest as if it had grown wings of its own. Maybe it had. Wings of fire and flame wreathed around a creature I'd face heaven and hell for, time and again. Aurora she had been but Ahri was her name. I remembered. I remembered it all.

Gabriel. I had challenged her or rather she had challenged me. Somehow she had known that I could be summoned and she had used it to even the score. A life and a death. My sister's death to bring her a new life. To escape my chains I had been forced to evolve, I had had to understand my very soul and what I had seen, what I had felt had scared me, scarred me… forever.

The ring. The ring and the seal on Ahri… they weren't meant to refine or command immortals. That was just a byproduct. They were a wedge, a wedge between two parts of myself, destined to be kept apart for all eternity. Destiny… or fate. Sweet irony. Who had originally carried Ahri's seal? Who had turned her into an integral part of myself, willingly surrendering his own purpose? For all my years, ever since I had been wounded, maimed, in times before time, so far back, so alien that even my memory couldn't reach them, I had fought against myself. Without destiny there is no freedom, without purpose there's no decision, without fate there's no law to rebel against. I wasn't just Cassandra Pendragon. To some I was known as Amazeroth. 

No wonder he had been an angel, once upon a time. No wonder it had taken his blood to transform the ring, all those aeons ago. I just didn't know why he had allowed it. The ring listened to him, it always had. It was a part of us and if he had wanted to change the course of history, he could have resisted when the demons had burned his core, he could have… devoured them. 

Heat spread through me, nourishing and warm, as every part of myself, parts that had been torn asunder, unable to bear the truth, came together. My body, my will, my core… my soul. I finally knew who I was and why I could wear a crown. I was still split, the seals as profound, as eternal as on the day they had been created, but I was aware. Aware and ashamed and hurt. It had been me. It had been my will, my desire to rise against the threat my siblings posed to creation and it had been my doing that had buried my family, my people… my home under a layer of shit so deep I still hadn't managed to scramble out from under it. My father's blood, the blood of the kitsune, the blood Amon's atrocities would still demand… Aurora's death… it was all on me. On me and my inability to lower my head. I had known the price when I had acted against Michael. That was on Lucifer. But I had also set the scene so I'd have a chance to win. That was on Amazeroth and the combined weight… had almost crushed me, had almost buried me in oblivion. 

Crimson flames ignited in the cold, pulsing with every beat of my heart. Despite my guilt how could I ever have even toyed with the idea of leaving her? Bloody, silver tears streamed down my face. For now it was nothing more than a glowing lattice but with every passing second it became something more until unblemished skin closed over regrown muscles. I knew I wasn't here, the three phantoms and my own existence a mixture of memories and dreams made real through immortal magic, but it was still comforting to feel my tails slash through the air behind me, all eight of them, just before my wings erupted and flooded the grey void with light. Enough. What had I been thinking? Hiding, running away from my past. Once, just once I had stumbled and it had almost cost me more than I could bear. I had almost forgotten Ahri, I had almost lost her. 

"Thank you," I said, my voice steady but full of shame. I wasn't ashamed of what I had done. I was ashamed of hiding from the consequences, of risking my life… my love out of cowardice. I was no coward. Once, but never again. Whoever I was, whatever I had done, I'd do better… I'd live my own life until the very end. I wasn't alone and that was all that mattered. It was enough for me and it had to be enough for my people. Angels and demons… we had been divided for too long and I finally knew why I had always been fighting. I hadn't fought against my brother, not even against the lingering, inherent darkness in all of creation. That had been Lucifer. I… I would be fighting for my people, for Reia, my family and the mortals I loved. I'd fight for them, for their future. For them and for Ahri. Like I always had. The only constant in my life.

By the Great Fox… how in hell was I going to explain all of it to her? Darling, I killed one of our siblings and helped fuse her core to Reia. Also, I'm part demon and responsible for our plight. That's why I nearly abandoned you. I couldn't live with my guilt. No hard feelings, right? Oh boy… she was going to skin me alive and make my fur into shoes. I couldn't even blame her.

"I have to return to her side," I added, my chest ablaze with flames of longing that kept me warm... and just a jolt of fear. A tiny one. "Chaleb, Amazeroth, I'll meet you again. Soon. Lucifer… I imagine this is the last time?" Three men appeared before me. One could have been my twin.

"I'll always be waiting in your memories, but no… you won't see me again unless you unlock the last side of the cube. From now on you are me but I'm no longer all of you. And Cassy, as vain as it is, I'm goddamned proud of you. Go to her. Without regret. You've earned it. You both have." When the grey void was already trembling and their outlines were waning he added with a smile: "or should I say you three? Gabriel is dead but Reia is alive. Who'd have thought. A good omen, an omen of dawn, if you ask me. Farewell, Cassandra Pendragon. Farewell, Lightbringer." The light came, the darkness fled and I opened my eyes.

Sensations poured into me. The wet, tantalising smell of cold earth, already teeming with spring's promise of verdant life tickled my nose, my bare skin moved over soft, comforting moss and my tails were warmed by a small fire, crackling merrily in a cozy, natural cave, nestled in between the ancient, gnarly roots of a towering ash. I was coiled up around a debarked stick, carved with a few simple kitsune characters: if you wake up: I hung some meat in the tree. It's not as bad as it looks. Will be back shortly. Love you. Reia.

A small smile tugged on the corners of my mouth but before I could do more than wiggled my numb tails out from under me my tattoo flared to life. A roaring flame ignited on my chest, a cloud of steam billowed through the entrance Reia had carefully hidden under a few torn out brushes as the heat spread through the cave and an ethereal, miniaturised goddess manifested before me. Despite her smouldering eyes and her twitching wings my smile widened until she spoke, her voice thrumming with a hint of eternity:

"Where have you been? What have you done? Do you have any idea how…" Nimbly I rolled onto my knees. Before she could finish I had already wrapped my wings around her and pulled her to my cheek, the best substitute for a kiss I could come up with.

"I do," I whispered chokingly. "I do and I'm so very sorry." As her warmth surged through me, her thoughts settling into the deepest parts of my mind like a loving embrace, tears ran down my face freely. Any second now…

"You blithering idiot," she erupted, the tiny version of her burning with the strength of a sun. If it hadn't been for my wings the whole cave… the whole island we were on, if indeed we still were on an island of my world, would have turned into molten slag. Her hands roamed over my face but she didn't try to hurt me. She was making sure I was still… well, me. "I don't know if I should scream at you, kiss you, beat you up or tell you to go to hell…"

"I've just returned from a place worse than hell," I mumbled, "and you have every right to take your anger out on me, but before that… I really wouldn't mind a kiss."

"I'm not so sure you're in a position to choose," she huffed against my cheek, but still leaned forward, her hot, ethereal lips brushing against mine like a promise made real. "That's all you're going to get for now. Spill. What happened? The memories of your fight are sealed behind a transcendent wall. Why? And why, in god's name, would you think it's your fault? Goddamn, Cassy, have you learned nothing over the last months?" I puffed up my cheeks, my trepidation vanishing on the spot like a shadow under the sun. She wasn't judging me, she was simply angry that I had almost left her. In her mind I should have called her as soon as the circle had closed around me. And I would have… if I had been able to and if it hadn't meant her death.