Moving Forward

Anders returned to the Mansion in the morning, feeling incredibly contrite. Fenris allowed him inside with a sneer, but otherwise said nothing to him. He led him to where Marian sat with Liz, in that same small seating area near the fireplace. Fenris took his place leaning against the back wall, intent on supervising the conversation.

Anders sat next to Marian, Liz delighted at seeing her Dada, and reached over for him. He gave Marian a questioning look, asking permission to hold his own child. She handed her over to him, where she happily pulled at his coat.

"Marian, I can't even begin to explain."

"I don't want you to explain your actions. The why doesn't matter, all that matters is that it happened." She responded sadly, meeting his eyes.

"So... how do we move forward?"

"I need time. I need to see if I can learn to trust you again. You're still Elizabeth's father, I won't deny you visits with her, but..."

"You're leaving me."

"I'm taking a break. I was so happy to see you again, so happy to have you by my side, that I didn't take time to really get to know the new you. The you with Justice. Hopefully I can fall in love with you again; start anew. But for now I need time."

His heart was shattering in a thousand pieces, but no part of him could find fault with her choice. They had been more focused on Liz than they had been on getting to know one another again. At least she was leaving things open for him to have a chance. That did not make it hurt less, however. He shifted his gaze down, feeling the prickle of tears behind his eyes, and found himself looking upon the mark he left on her. Mottled black and purple marred her beautiful tanned skin, and the sight of it made him feel unworthy of the second chance she was willing to give him.

"Do you want me to heal you? Make the bruise go away?"

"You will put your hands nowhere near her, abomination." Fenris snarled from his place at the wall.

"I need to live with it, work through my feelings. If I let you take it away, it's like trying to pretend it never happened. I can't do that." Marian said quietly. Anders simply nodded his acceptance. He gave Liz a kiss on the forehead, petting her soft black hair before handing her back to Marian.

"I need to get to the clinic. Thank you for talking to me." Marian gave a curt nod and he sighed deeply before leaving the mansion; fighting back tears all the way.

-

Hawke went about her work, doing missions and recruiting more people to her little brigade of misfits. She brought Anders only occasionally, when the threat seemed large enough to need an expert healer around. Her usual line up became Varric, Fenris, and her new friend Isabella. Aveline was busy in her new position as Guard Captain, and Carver preferred working without his sister there to outshine him. She enjoyed the company of Merrill, the Dalish Elf they picked up while finally completing their task for Flemeth, but their fighting styles were too similar to really justify her presence for most of her affairs.

Eventually she had earned enough coin to fund the expedition, Liz was now seven months old at this point, crawling around and starting to eat real food. She would definitely be uncomfortable as her milk dried up during this trip, but at least she didn't have to worry about keeping her daughter fed while she was gone.

At the meeting for departing on the expedition, Carver had insisted on coming with, and Leandra showed up with baby in tow to beg him to stay in Kirkwall. He wouldn't listen to her, so maybe he would listen to his big sister.

"Carver, I know you want your own slice of glory, but please reconsider. If something terrible happens, Mother will need to have at least one child left. Liz will need her Uncle."

"Maybe you should stay home then, and I can go in your stead?"

"Bartrand is insistent that I come with. He has plenty of swords, but not much in the way of magic at his disposal. Please, brother, please stay home."

"Fine. But don't expect a welcome home party celebrating your glorious triumph when you return." He huffed angrily.

"Never in a million years, dear brother." She sighed softly, then put her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He relented and returned her hug.

"If this is the last I see you, Marian, I want you to know that I do care about you, insufferable as you are."

"And I care about you, even though you smell like a pig's arse." She chuckled and he pinched her, she yelped then shoved him playfully. "Go take the ladies home, you tit!"

"Family drama over with?" Bartrand gruffed, and she gave him a nod of affirmation. "Good. Let's head out."

Going into the Deep Roads with her were Varric, of course, Fenris, and Merrill. Elemental magics were helpful in battle, and Merrill did know a bit of healing from her time as her clan's first. Merrill also had a bubbly aura of unquenchable optimism, which was exactly what the Deep Roads would need to stay sane.

-

Bartrand had betrayed them. They were now trapped in this ancient thaig that wasn't even on their maps. Marian began to hyperventilate, panic seizing her as she realized she would never see Liz again.

Fenris came to her and put his gauntleted hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. "We will get out of here, Marian. We will survive this."

"B-But, what if we don't? I-I... Elizabeth, she..."

"She is going to see you again. Even if I must dig us out, she will see you." He said firmly, allowing no room for questioning or argument.

"Okay... Okay, I trust you." She said softly, forcing herself to slow her breathing. He gave her a small smile and stroked her cheeks gently with his thumbs before letting go of her.

They moved forward through the thaig, encountering strange stone wraiths being led by a demon, and facing the most terrifying fight since the damned dragon that had nearly bit Marian in half. When the beast lay slain they found a stockpile of treasure, and each person filled their bags as much as they could stand. If they could get out of here, the Hawke family would never need to worry about coin again.

It took two weeks of scouting paths and fighting darkspawn and giant spiders before they finally made it back to Bartrand's original campsite, now long since abandoned. There were still a few cots left behind, the last belongings of dead men, most likely. Not worth spending the time to pack away by those that remained.

"We should rest, then head up for the surface and go home." Marian said with a weary sigh, taking off her laden pack and laying down on a cot. She was exhausted to the bone, the stress and fear and fighting had all taken their toll, and she had gone through the painful process of allowing her milk supply to dry up while dealing with it all. Fenris set about moving all cots to the same area that Marian had chosen to lay down her weary bones, while Varric set traps and Merrill started a fire. Before Merrill could suggest making deep-mushroom stew again, Marian was asleep.

Fenris looked at her sleeping face, so drained, yet so relaxed and beautiful now. He reached out a gentle hand and stroked some of her hair out of her face.

"You're in love." Merrill commented with a dreamy lilt to her voice.

"What? No I'm not!" He rushed to defend himself, pulling his hand away quickly as if that would hide the affection he'd just shown.

"It's alright, you know. Even you're allowed to be happy. Though your face may crack if you smile, so be careful." Merrill teased lightly, and Varric grinned at her rare display of friendly ribbing.

"My personal affairs are my affair, witch."

"They're Hawke's too, I should think." Varric added. "It's obvious you two have something going on, why not go for it?"

"Because she told the abomi- She told Anders that she would try and see if she could fall in love with him again."

"That doesn't mean she can't fall in love with you. Among my people it is not uncommon to have multiple loves." Merrill said brightly.

"Dalish harem, I'll have to remember that for my next book." Varric mused.

"No, silly, sometimes people fall in love with more than one person, that's all." Merrill chuckled while correcting Varric.

Fenris looked again to Marian's sleeping form and sighed. They could discuss this when they were back in Kirkwall. He could not deny that he wanted her, or that he cared for her deeply, but he felt unworthy of such things, unworthy to feel these feelings. But, she did always know just the right thing to say to convince him when he was conflicted on anything else. Maybe she would here too.