65 A Heart Torn Between Duty and Desire

In the evening Justyna cuddled up to Damian. He put his arm around her. That was all.

Justyna tried to touch his lips with hers, but Damian turned his head away.

“I'm sorry," he said. “I'm too worried about mom...”

That was only half true. Yes, he was worried about his mother, but somewhere in the depths of his mind and heart there was some strange dam saying that getting close to Justyna was not a good idea. That dam strangely brought to mind a spring meadow strewn with flowers and decorated with dew, reminiscent of tears...

Damian had no idea what was happening to him. Why he couldn't honestly and sincerely embrace the woman he was engaged after all.

He hesitated before he could say the word 'love' and again it seemed strangely insincere.

Justyna did not see anything else in his behavior. She understood that the situation, where his mother had undergone a second heart attack and a stent operation, did not inspire physical play. She hugged him just to support him and smiled warmly at him.

Damian felt like a heavy criminal again.

Was this how his love for Justyna would always be? After the betrayal he had committed with Rafał, would he always feel guilty towards her?

Rafał...

Walking down the hospital corridor, Damian shook his head exactly as he had done last night and had done all night. He tried to put that man, his smile and his eyes out of his head, but they came back with redoubled force taking away his peace.

Radosz had already spoken to his mother's attending physician and learned that the woman would spend at least two more days in the hospital. Probably more. Her body was very weak and although the operation was successful, she still had to be careful. Damian wanted to be with his mother all the time, but he also had the unpleasant feeling that in his absence from the set of the series, Różycki might start teasing Brylski again.

Torn between his duty as a son and his responsibility for the fate of the production, Radosz entered the ICU. His mother was awake and clearly feeling better, although she was still frighteningly pale.

Damian smiled warmly at her. She, however, instead of greeting him, asked looking around:

“Where's Justyna?”

“Justyna? Why don't you ask about me, but about her?”

“I can see you. I want to see my daughter-in-law.”

Something painfully squeezed Radosz's heart. Daughter-in-law?

“She is with Danusia” he announced without stopping smiling. “They want to buy you a new nightgown so that you will look nice when they move you to the usual room.”

“Have you set a date for the wedding yet?”

His mother was so direct that it was downright painful.

“Mom, don't rush us like that," he asked. “Let us live at our own pace.”

“You are not getting any younger. A woman shouldn't wait too long with her first child because it will be harder for her to give birth.”

“Mom, come on...”

Radosz felt more irritation than should be implied by his mother's words and felt bad about it. After all, his mother had no bad intentions, she hadn't said anything that was against reason or even the way his relationship with Justyna was going, but the irritation came of its own accord and Damian felt embarrassed.

“I’m sorry. Let's talk about this when you get out of the hospital," he asked.

“Is something going wrong between you two?” his mother asked suspiciously.

Do women really have a special sense? Where did his mother get such ideas?

“Wherefore!” he replied. “It's just that the situation on the set is more complicated than I thought, I'm still negotiating about the anime and on top of that your illness... I can't think about marriage right now. It’s too much for me now.”

And on top of all that there was the whole situation with Rafał, which, despite all his efforts, Damian simply could not forget...

But Damian could not tell his mother about the latter. He could not tell anyone about it. Even in front of himself he wanted to wipe this event from his memory. Not because the night with Rafał was unpleasant. On the contrary.

“So go back to work. You don't have to worry about me. You can't help me anyway.”

Damian looked grimly at his mother. He would not help her in medical matters, that was a fact, but there was such a thing as moral support and it was the duty of children to visit sick parents. It was enough that his brother, as a truck driver, was on an overseas tour with a shipment to France.

For Damian, being there for his sick mother was as much a necessity, as indispensable a duty, as it is for a mother to be there for her sick child. Of course, his mother would insist that he return to work, after all, she does not want to make trouble for him, but if Damian abandoned her now, he would not be able to forgive himself.

“After all, you know I won't do that,” he announced. “I'm here because I want to and because I can. Just cut me some slack and don't push for a wedding. You'll be out of the hospital in a few days and recovering. The production of the series will stabilize soon because these are temporary problems. On the anime issue, we are also reaching a crucial point. When things calm down, we'll think about getting married. Okay?”

His mother sighed with resignation but agreed and Damian breathed a sigh of relief.

These few days will also allow his thoughts and heart to calm down. Somehow, he will forget about the night he spent with Rafał. Brylski, as an asexual person, should have no erotic attraction to him. Soon he will cool down from the impressions of that night and they will both be able to return to being ordinary colleagues, perhaps friends, unencumbered by what happened between them. Radosz will then be able to think calmly about a future with Justyna.

Yes, that is how it should be and that is how it will be. It will only take a few days for everything to return to normal.

The machines of the patients on the next bed suddenly started making strange noises and the nurses ran up calling the doctor. One of them demanded that the visiting patients leave the room. Damian obediently obeyed the order leaving his mother who was watching the desperate attempts to save the patient's life from the neighboring bed with her eyes wide open in horror.

Radosz saw the face of that patient only for a moment. It was a woman not much older than he was.

Life was so damn fragile! No wonder his mother, having suffered another heart attack, insisted that Damian get married. At his age he couldn't yet be called an old bachelor, but his father at his age already had two children. Feeling the breath of death around her, Damian's mother simply dreamed of seeing her son stabilize his family life and be able to take her grandson on her lap.

Radosz understood her, really understood her perfectly, but after the passionate night with Rafał he felt so stunned, so shaken and so lost that if he now pronounced a sacramental vow before the altar, he would probably commit perjury. If he is to marry Justyna, he must do so with full conviction, without a shadow of a doubt. Only in this way will he be honest with her.

Resuscitation of the patient on the bed next to his mother's bed was ongoing. Damian saw his mother looking in that direction probably imagining that she was the one lying there. Afraid that at any moment she might be the one fighting for her next breath and heartbeat.