Main Man

Hal felt his spine straighten and his left butt cheek heat up around his new 'Property of Empress Calliope' tattoo as the woman sauntered past him in the line up outside the capitol building. A heat he knew Batman and Flash also felt right now. Partying with that woman felt almost as life changing as the first time he wore his Power Ring. Hell, Batman left so relaxed he was still almost pleasant to this very day.

'Good to see you, Lantern.' the man had said earlier with a slight upward tilt at the corners of his mouth, the maximum possible angle of repose for a Batman smile.

The woman is a miracle worker, but then that checks out. She is a goddess after all.

A carnally voracious goddess that Hal will gladly worship at the altar of as often as possible.

Just the sight of her conjured vivid remembrance of black silk ties, sacred oils, and a sexual journey of self discovery that made him a better and more complete person. It didn't even bother him when the President referred to his uniform as a 'colorful costume'. No, nothing could bother him much right now except the sight of her Grandfather and his girlfriend clinging to each other like a pair of lovestruck teenagers on a live broadcast to the whole world.

A couple they had to retrieve from their personal love nest to get them to appear for this event. A love nest that used to be a downtown Metropolis high rise apartment building, but was now a Symbiote Hive super fortress. A transition that happened entirely by surprise for the pair who said something along the lines of 'Dafuq happened to this place?'

Both the displaced residents and the corporation that owned the property happily signed all waivers and transfers when the gold bars came out to play, and the city was happy with the remodel considering that the Symbiotes recreated the city's famous art deco design from its golden years with ultra luxurious materials, a futuristic edge, and an immaculate precision and attention to detail human hands can't be bothered with when creating such a large residential building.

The building was twice again as large due to subterranean construction that occurred without even an interruption in service from underground utilities.

Hal correctly assumed Cassiopeia managed all of this as a shocking distraction to the presence of over twenty thousand hybrid alien super weapons currently operating on Earth under the direction of a trio of omniverse trekking gods. Not that anything could completely distract from that subject, but the obvious display of hyper creativity provided an alternate narrative and segued into further possible solutions the hyper advanced Kyntar-Demon platforms could provide.

It happens to be very simple to web up politicians when all of a sudden the actual price of replacing the country's failing infrastructure just dropped below the former projected cost of materials, and all of that extra money is now available for good old graft.

Not like it wasn't before, but now they can have an even bigger cut and new roads. Sure they lose the long term money farm of stealing from infrastructure bills, but the money can be cycled to other boondoggles with ease. After all, what else is the National Science Foundation for?

Jesus Christ, that smirk on Cassiopeia's face every time she shook hands with a Senator or Representative. She already owns them.

Well, it's not like a literal alien power subverting the top level of politicians in the country is the death of representational democracy in America. After all, that beautiful idea would have needed to be alive for Cassiopeia to kill it, and American politicians hadn't represented anyone but their corporate sponsors ever. It was a rare personality that rose above the muck and actually did something for the people.

God he really hated how his ring provided such accurate information sometimes. The truth breaks a man's will faster than anything else. Even imprisonment and torture can fail to snuff out hope, but the truth… it just doesn't care how jagged and sharp it is. Hal allowed it all to temper his inner strength. If he avoided it like he refused to avoid his fear of flying, the Ring would rightly abandon him, for if his inner strength was so measly then he had no right to its power.

"It is my honor to present this commendation… to the Super Friends!" declared the President.

A bellowing laugh snapped Hal out of his disgust of the man.

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"Oh sweet baby Christmas Jesus!" I barked as the President declared us the Super Friends, "Oh Satan thank you so much for this moment!"

"Is there a problem with that?" The President asked as he turned to stare at me as I broke down in hysterical laughter.

"So much!" I laughed while remembering all the glorious memes that classic television show produced.

"Well if you have something to say… step right up." The President indicated to the microphones.

Oh you sweet summer child.

I stepped up to the mic's and bent down, looking quite ridiculous as I said, "Testing."

Quality confirmed, I smiled as I addressed the world.

"Terra is a traitor." I dropped the truth bomb and the entire crowd fell completely silent in confusion.

"Alec Holland is dead."

"He did it thirty-five minutes ago."

"Hawk is Monarch."

"Jean Loring killed Sue Dibny."

"There are three Jokers." That one shocked people into a vocal response.

"Thanks folks, I'll be here till I get bored." I finished and waited to see if Dr. Manhattan wanted to throw hands before stepping back from the mic.

"What the hell was that?" Power Girl demanded when I returned to her side.

"Spoilers." I chuckled, "And a bit of a thrown gauntlet, was the Justice Society of America a thing in this universe?"

"Yeah." she answered.

"Huh, then I probably wasted my time provoking the guy." I sighed, "He wasn't listening."

Batman broke formation and grabbed my arm, but he held whatever he needed to say as the roar of a beastly engine came down from the heavens.

"You think you can steal the main man's look and get away with it!" shouted the pale mountain of muscles on the flying motorcycle.

"Dibs!" I shouted as I took off into the air, my armor forming over me.

I drew upon the power of my Arc Reactors and the Speedforce to power up during the short flight as we barreled headlong on a collision course. The main man got up on the handlebars of his spacefaring motorcycle and leapt off it howling in rage with a butcher's hook in hand attached to a chain wrapped around his wrist.

We plowed into each other in an explosion of testosterone that blasted the clouds out of the sky and shattered every piece of glass below us, but Lobo can't fly so the main man lost our collision and I carried him out into space.

"Bitch move!" Lobo shouted as the All-Black shifted from its sword form into a series of spiked tentacles that drilled into the mercenary's arm, keeping him from properly bringing that hook to bare while I worked on bleeding the force out of his punches with the other.

Lobo reeled back to deliver a headbutt when his neck bulged and spikes burst from his mouth, nose, ears, and eyes. Despite this he continued flailing arm punches at me, even while the All- Black filled more and more of his body with Adamantine reinforce tentacles. We stayed like that a while, me pushing us through space fast enough to keep the rest of the Super Friends from catching up, him twitching around the slasher style tentacle hentai trap he found himself in. I pushed us straight into a planet no one would ever care about and we impacted the surface like an extinction event.

I rose up over Lobo, extracting my tentacles from him, and the man rolled around on the floor in pain as his wounds healed.

"Oh, you are going to pay so fucking much!" he screamed with his raw new vocal cords, "No one tentacle fucks the main man! NO ONE!"

"I didn't just tentacle fuck you." I laughed as my helmet pulled back to reveal the new black marks around my eyes that made me look like the fifth member of KISS.

The sixth if we count Lobo before me.

"OH HELL NO!" Lobo shrieked, "Now no one will be able to tell us apart. YOU FOOL!"

"Lobo." I sighed, "I am almost an entire foot taller than you."

"Hehehe, the space cops won't care… but neither will the contract bots! The main man will not allow you to fuck with his money, or his good name!" the maniac shouted and lunged at me while loading up an overhand right, his incredible quickness fully on display.

And I just threw a jab that drilled him right in the nose, breaking the delicate organ and smacking the man's head back.

"Ahhh… what the fuck just happened?" he wheezed as he pulled back and straightened his nose, you weren't that strong a minute ago!"

"The eye liner isn't all I took from you." I chuckled, "While the All-Black was all up in you, it did far more than violate you. It took all that good Czarnian power… and made it mine."

"Hax! Hax I say!" the mercenary growled.

"Hey bud, want to see a neat trick?" I grinned and punched the empty air between us.

"HOOOOOO!" Lobo screamed as my kinesthetic telekinesis took the force of my punch straight to his balls.

"Let me know when you've had enough." I told him as repeatedly stomped the ground below us, cratering the planet with every strike.

"HOOOOO! AAAAHHHHHH! HHHAAAAAA!" he screamed over and over again as his balls healed from his Czarnian healing factor and exploded under Czarnian strength.

"HOOO! MORRREE!" he cried and I stopped and sighed.

"What are you doing, man! MORE~!" he sang and I shook my head.

"I fucking knew it would come to this." I growled.

"Don't leave the main man hanging. I'm almost there!" Lobo demanded as he spread his legs for further stomping.

"You don't have to spread your fucking legs, I am crushing your balls with my mind not may actual foot!" I shouted.

"Well use your mind FOR MORE!" he roared and gestured with his hands to his groin.

I transformed the All-Black into an Apokolips White Noise Cannon and Melded the Invincible Skulls into it as sixteen amps.

"Keep making this sexual!" I shouted with eyes widened in madness, "I will fucking atomize you! And it won't matter if Heaven and Hell won't take you! I am the fuck mothering god of the abyss and I will lock you in my own afterlife!"

"You can frag the main man?" Lobo asked quietly.

"Not just can. Will." I growled.

"DO IT!" he shouted and fell to his knees with his arms spread and head tilted back, "Do it."

In a white flash the cannon tore not only Lobo apart, but cut open a chasm in the planet and anything beyond. The All-Black shivered as the evil soul of the last Czarnian entered it and cycled to pure void exposure as its afterlife. The complete cessation of sensation until all negative karma has been repaid and the soul is wiped for reincarnation.

I breathed out a big sigh and took off for the return flight to Earth.

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Meanwhile on Apokolips

"Desaad! What have you done!" the words echoed through the entire twisted planet.

The vile sorcerer immediately ceased his work and suddenly found himself fond of a quiet vacation somewhere sunny and warm. Maybe white sandy beaches. You know, the last place anyone would think to look for a disgusting being like him.