Let's Murder Ferris Boyle

"Jesus Christ, how old is this guy?" I murmured to Wonder Woman as Highfather wept over the presented body of his adopted son.

The Amazonian raised an eyebrow, "He did just discover that his vaunted powers of resurrection are worthless against the All-Black. That his son is truly dead. Age has no bearing in such things."

"Maybe I'm just a weirdo." I shrugged and looked back as Calliope handled public relations with the New Gods of New Genesis.

"Do you have much experience with losing children?" Dianna asked quietly.

"My grandchildren started a civil war that killed hundreds of trillions of my descendants." I told her and the woman gaped in shock, "Have you not even read my Bible? This all got covered in chapter twenty three."

"I may have skipped the reading material of your pantheon." she admitted with only a trace of embarrassment.

"Your loss, girl." I smirked, "I pulled a real god move there and collapsed the universe into a gem of peerless beauty that contains an afterlife of infinite paradise for my loyal followers. What's this asswipe's credentials? He gets to be a god because his species evolved near the border of this multiverse? I fucking stole my divinity from a sleeping primordial being that survived the destruction and rebirth of multiple incarnations of the universe and devoured the unholy book of a multiversal chaos god to take it's infinite knowledge. I think this dude meditates or something. Probably absorbs sunlight like a plant person."

"I can hear every awful thing you are saying." Superman gave me the evil eye from his place nearby.

"And so can he." I shot back my own evil eye.

Something made far more disturbing by my cartoonish morphing of my face.

"You are such an asshole!" Highfather shouted with a look of absolute loathing on his face as he looked at me, "You think you're so great! You're the god of goo people! And you don't care about anyone but yourself! You spent the entire peace summit finger banging the Queen of Almerac under the table and you knew everyone knew! You are vile, disgusting, and arrogant!"

"When you get home be sure to spend more time sitting on your ass watching everything that will happen, happening, and happens. It'll all be filled with me doing cool shit." I called back, "Ya lazy fuck."

"YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST!" Highfather shouted as he clenched his fists in rage and channeled energy straight from the Source.

"Izaya…" his wife Vayla put her hand on his shoulder and pulled him back both physically and from his fiery wrath.

The pain on Highfather's face as he reeled it in showed incredible pitch black depth and his fist trembled, "If I never tolerate your slimy presence again, it will be too soon." he declared as a golden boomtube opened behind him and the pair took their son back to Supertown.

As the wormhole closed Superman got in my face full of righteous indignation, "That was so out of line even I can't look back and see it anymore!" the Kryptonian visibly shook in anger, "How could you do something like that and still think you're a hero! To accidentally kill a man's son and then spit in his face. That's so low."

"Fuck him." I growled back, "Fuck his friends too, and everyone like them. If I found those kinds of bastards in my universe I'd have stuffed hot coals in their eyes and ears. Fuck the observers and the balance types too. Especially the edgy ass destruction before creation types. Creation one hundred percent. Team people, bitch."

With that I stepped my grouchy ass out of Mt. Justice and back to my home under the sea, and after tossing my wife on the bed I confirmed that everything is in fact better down where it's wetter.

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"Where a warm hand waits for mine…" Adar wept after finishing 'Heart of Ice'.

"Hey man… you can't cry…" Ademar sniffled, "If you cry then I'll start crying… and then we'll both be pussies…"

Jon leapt off the couch with his thoughts racing, he clenched his fists as he vocalized them, "We can't let it end like this!" he shouted, "We have to avenge Nora!" then he turned to his brothers, "We have to murder Ferris Boyle."

"Yeah!" Adar shouted as he wiped the tears off his face, "We have to murder Ferris Boyle!"

"Ferris Boyle dies today!" Ademar shouted as he popped Wolverine bone claws.

"Ferris Boyle dies today!" his brothers agreed as they too popped claws.

"Hold up!" Mar-L came in like a wet blanket on this conspiracy to murder Ferris Boyle, "We don't even know if this cartoon lines up with our reality. Ferris Boyle might not even exist."

"Dude… stop being so lame and help us murder Ferris Boyle." Adar stared at his half brother with eyes full of disappointment.

"Dude… its almost like you don't even want to murder Ferris Boyle." Ademar accused the boy.

"Dude… are you a bad person? How could you watch that and not want to murder Ferris Boyle?" Jon asked him.

Mar-L shook his head, "Listen guys, I am a good person. Unlike Batman I don't need rules to keep myself from making the world a worse place. If I kill someone, it will be because I know it will make the world a better place to do so… or on accident. Which would suck, by the way. So yes. I too think that Ferris Boyle needs to die, but I don't think we should get our hopes up. He could already be dead, or not be a bad guy, or not exist."

"He exists in your world and beat the case Batman built against him. Because money~!" Duplikate mockingly sang the last part while waving her hand back and forth.

"Okay…" Mar-L nodded, "Let's go murder Ferris Boyle."

"Already got the Klyntar out looking for him." Adar grinned and opened a portal back home.

As the other three boys flew though the portal Jon hung back, he looked at Duplikate and hesitated before steeling himself and running up to give her a hug before zipping back home…

To murder Ferris Boyle.

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If a real life Ferris Boyle gets killed because of this chapter I am in no way responsible... but if Project Ultra is hiring at least I'll have credentials.

In a recent flame review I was accused of all the characters being yes-men or no-men and I was really impressed with myself. I had somehow managed to represent two thirds of all people in my ameteur writing. All I need to do is figure out how to write the wishy washy maybe-men and I'll have it all figured out boys. Straight to the top for me.

In other news my kids are still dope.

You can support me and my family at

ko - fi . com / jmanm