Guilt and Hate

"hey~~~" Dohyung started to get heavy at my side. He is too drunk to walk on his own. And since I know where he lives since Ji-Ha and I always meet. I volunteer to bring him home.

"Yes?"

I just came from a drinking session last night. Now I have to take care of a drunk person. If he wasn't the guy I look up to so highly. I already left him in the cold streets. My head is still throbbing. But this is action also a small thing to forgive the sin I did last night...

Earlier...

I woke up with a major headache. I am glad nothing happened last night on my way home. Just me swaying mindlessly in the streets. The headache hit me harder when I remember Ji-Ha's confession and our deed. How can I face Dohyung calmly now?

I received a message from one of the companies I work for an invitation to the Anniversary party. My body shook after learning it was his agency that was having a party. I think karma is biting me immediately.

At the restaurant

His agency and also the company I have to make a website for, have an anniversary party. I am shocked they also invited me in. But when Dohyung saw me here, he started to drink nonstop.

"OI Dohyung! Stop it" Yohan his costar and friend also sit between us. He is actually from a different company but he was also invited cause of their company's friendly terms.

I shivered cause I can't still forget what Ji-Ha and I did at the bar yesterday. It was still so fresh and now I am in this awkward situation. I don't know what to say to him now.

"Did your wife ignore you again?" Ji-Ha ignoring Dohyung? And it's always the reason why he wants to drink? I feel a pang in my chest, this is probably my fault.

"Leave me alone... She already ignoring me for months now. What's the point of making myself drunk and cry." New info is acquired when he is drunk, he just speaks in English. But also a pang of guilt inside of me cause I am so sure I am the reason she ignores her husband.

"Sigh, you know I can't understand you that much if you are like this" he scratches his head. Then looks at me. "Hey, you can understand English, right? Can you talk to him?"

"Eh, I-" I am really in danger...

"Please I know he's saying I shut up but. I just want to know how to help my friend here" then he looks at him with a grin on his face. Oh, I know you just want to know deets.

I signed. "He just said there is no point in drinking and crying over it"

"Really."

"I heard you shut up" Dohyung raise his head a bit looking at me angrily. He looks so wasted. I just looked down. I feel bad for him.

Dohyung stood up, he is wobbling from drunkenness. Lucky Yohan caught him. "I want to leave, I am not needed here."

"Hey, I can't leave you alone in this state. But I also don't know where you leave..."

"She knows" then he pointed at me. I mean yeah I know since I always came to visit... But is this ok?

Yohan shoots me a suspicious look telling me "I really need to know how but will talk to you later."

"Fine, I will distract them and never let them think you are gone ok." Then he shoots me a look saying "don't do anything weird to him or else. I'll kill you." How amazing he can communicate to me with just looks and expression.

"Don't worry I will just send him home safe and sound." And Yohan dump the drunk Dohyung at my side. he is heavy so I wobbled a bit but I manage it. And we went away from the bar.

We are wobbly walking to the side streets when he pointed out at the bench he saw at a nearby park we were just about to pass by. And I decided to let him rest there.

"I am mad at you" I choked, I knew it, he knows. "Actually I'm just jealous... Probably... What did you do that she always wants to be with you."

Just stayed silent. I just want to be close to him, not her...

"I know you are straight and you like me. But please be careful with her." Then I finally looked at him and he was crying... I am trying to swallow all the pain in my chest.

"I'm sorry I said that you like me... We have boundaries as an idol and fans and you respect that. Also, you just having fun living in this country but..."

There's silence.

"Please stop meeting with her. I'll treat you just as my coworker or friend but... Please don't involve yourself with us anymore..."

I can't believe what he is saying. He's pushing me away. But I get where he is coming from. I know it hurts but I also just want him to be happy. And when I open my mouth and am about to agree.

"I just want to be happy with her and our son. But I think we will never be happy. I love her so much but it looks like she doesn't care about me anymore even if I cheated on her. Did you know that she cheated on me twice for a woman she said was just her friend? And I found divorce papers in her bag..." He suddenly rests his head on my shoulder. It makes my heart run faster. "I just want to be happy... What should I do... Ji-Ha..."

And he went silent.

I looked at him and discovered he was already sleeping. He looked more peaceful than earlier. Unconsciously run my fingers to his soft black hair and signed.

"I'm so sorry. I don't know. I don't expect this to happen too..." I closed my eyes and look up. I still don't want to immediately cut my ties to Ji-Ha but I really should do this now. The last thing I want to do is to destroy this peaceful family. I just want the snow or earth to bury me now. I want to kneel and bow down to him and Jeremy for what happened. I just want to fade away or something.

"Haaa... I guess I have to start with blocking her. After I brought him home."

I looked back at him and he is still asleep. I grabbed his 2 hands together and held them to keep him warm. I guess we have to stay here till he wakes up. I wince from the guilt that's eating me away.