Her heart hurts
Everybody feels happy when their birthday comes. You are excited because you are the special person on that day, you get the VIP treatment, you get presents from everyone, and you get a customized birthday cake just for you. But to enjoy a birthday you must feel excited first.
And I didn't feel any excitement. I didn't even feel alive. All I felt was gloominess around me. The feelings of happiness weren't there. I tried hard to snap out of that sadness that was overpowering me but I couldn't. I was exhausted.
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I was exhausted from trying to be happy, exhausted from trying to make everyone happy. I never thought could cost me this much.
I needed something to get my mind off of this feeling. Depression was consuming me. Nothing was working out for me. All I could think of was all the things that I shouldn't have done, my miraculous mistakes, mighty blunders, and minute feelings that became a disaster for me and ruined me.
Who says dying is hard?
Living is harder than hell.
You can kill yourself with your own hands if you want to but can you?
Living is not a bad choice but dying is not a good one either.
You live the life you choose but to me, it was the other way around. I didn't choose this life, it chose me.
Ever since growing up, everybody had a lot of expectations of me. And failing was not a choice. I didn't even have a choice but to succeed.
I chose English Literature as my major at University, because my father said I could do well in it, and I believed him. Not because I didn't agree with him but because I didn't know if I could do well in any other subject.
And back then I didn't know that choosing something others want for you doesn't make you happy. It didn't even make others happy. The quote that elders tell us:
"Making others happy will make you happy."
It's the most overrated quote of all time.
No one can guarantee your happiness. You have to make yourself happy. You have to do it for yourself. No one's gonna do it for you.
At that time I wish I knew that. But anyway, I'll add it to the list of regrets I have, a long list.....
Ain't it funny?
Normal people have a long list of wishes and dreams. And I have a long list of regrets and disappointments.
I didn't know anything about anything back then. It took me countless betrayals and infinite scars to understand the lesson life was teaching me.
Don't expect people to treat you like you treat them. No one's got a big heart like you.
I'm the youngest child of my parents. The fourth child in a house of 2 boys and one girl. I don't have extraordinary looks, high-level IQ and over-the-top grades. I just have persistence, perseverance, passion and resilience. If I didn't have any of that, I wouldn't be alive today. I would have died 12 years ago.
My parents were traditional parents, who didn't compromise on dignity. They were not modern but they were not open-minded either. A noble Asian family who treasured their customs, norms and rules more than anything. They were strict parents. But to me it was normal, I obeyed them wholeheartedly. They mould my personality the way they thought a girl should be. And I never disobeyed them.
I wanted to make them proud. I wanted their attention, their satisfaction and their smile. I wanted really hard to be a good daughter for them.
It was a heavy responsibility. I walked on eggshells to become the girl they wanted me to be.
Life didn't come with a manual. I didn't know how to be a good, no...perfect daughter. If only I knew, I would gladly do that to make my parents proud of me. Yes, I was that desperate. I was desperate for their approval of me. I was desperate because I wanted to be in their good books.
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I was desperate to be the one they admire. I didn't wanna grow up like my elder sister, whom my parents are ashamed of and still don't like after what she did 12 years ago.
What did she do?
Why the heck I don't wanna follow in her footsteps?
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Why did you do that?
Why did you leave us like that?
Why did you leave me?
You never even once thought of me?
I was your baby sister and you were my everything....mom, sister, friend, teacher, guardian, protector and role model.
But you left without thinking of me. You never thought of what would happen to me. You never cared for me, you just thought for yourself only.
Why did you become so selfish?
Why?
Why?
I really wanted to ask her all these questions... But, I never questioned her directly even to this day.
Because I was scared that I will lose the last string of love that tied both of us till now If I ever confronted her.
12 years ago before that incident...I clearly remember I looked up to her every time, she was my guidebook, she was my best friend, she was my role model, and she was the one I wanted to be.
She was the one I missed so much every day. She was the one I loved every day.
She was the one I cried for every day.
She was the one who left when I wanted her in my life the most.
She was the one who was supposed to stay by my side when I was new to this world.
I was struggling to adjust to everything; from trusting the wrong person to leaving the right person, everyone was new to me. I couldn't see anyone's true colours. I couldn't see..... Because I used to see people with your eyes.
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I did every weird thing I was told. Just because to make people like me.
I don't even remember what kind of weirdest acts I did just to get attention and love.
I didn't know a thing about the world. I didn't know I have to look pretty. I didn't know I have to be a standard size to look attractive. I didn't know people don't like someone like me who loved reading novels in her room with coffee. I did what I was told. My mom told me to stay simple. She told me to not cut my hair. My mum told me always be polite. My mom told me to do well in my studies. My mom told me to never hurt anyone. My mom told me to not talk back to elders. My mom told me to hear the insults from the relatives with humbleness. My mom told me to do the house chores. My mom told me to cook. My mom told me to not express excitement, happiness or disgust openly. And I did all of that.
I thought I was becoming the obedient daughter. I thought I was gonna get love and appreciation for it.
I thought I was on the right path. The path that will lead directly to the post of " Best daughter of the century".
I wasn't expecting an Oscar. But I really was expecting an assurance smile and one sentence from my family.
" I'm proud of you". That's what I wanted to hear.
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.....I wanted to hear it so badly that I didn't even care if I was making myself a submissive daughter to a controlling family. I didn't even I was creating a mindset of a dependable person. A person who was always hungry for words of affection. A person who lived her life people pleasing everyone at the cost of her own dreams.
Dreams....My dreams.....
....Come to think of it....
I never really had time to think about any dream. Because I was so busy living up to others' dreams.
My father wanted me to graduate with a good Gpa. I graduated in English Literature, I got a 3.5 out of 4 Gpa. My mother wanted me to master cooking. I can cook Italian, Chinese and Pakistani. My brothers just wanted me to do anything to keep myself busy and not overthink everything. And my sister, wanted me to be her shadow. And I did. After that long list of expectations, I now come to think that I never achieved anything. These achievements weren't mine. These goals weren't mine. I made myself adjuster to the standards of others so that I can fit in.
But now sitting here looking back at my life I came to a realisation that; I never lived my life. I lived the life of others. I lived my life for them. I became a dependant, who couldn't do anything without asking for permission first. Who is this life I'm living for? Who is the one living this life?
Who
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But, what I never thought was everyone leaving me alone in my darkest days of life.
I'm at the edge of giving up my life, thinking that she got up slowly, walked out of the room and went upstairs. In a trance, she looked at the evening sky and saw the setting sun with all its beauty right then and there and her eyes got misty.
Why?
Why am I living this life?
Because I don't know what to do.
What am I doing in this world? What's the purpose of my life?
The sky had all the fascinating colours, purple, orange, yellow, pink and grey ready to drown the sun in itself. The sun was setting and she also felt like the sun of her life was also setting today.
From up there, someone was watching her.
"How long do we have to wait? ", an uncertain voice asked.
" The time has come", another authoritative voice answered.
" Let's not delay it anymore, prepare for everything."