CHAPTER 14
-I want you to answer me, otherwise it's the last time you see me Ema. I won't risk you hurting me again.
His harsh words combined with his scratchy voice make me shiver. I feel trapped by his ultimatum and my first instinct is to rob me. Damn, I hate being up against the wall. So I cross my arms over my chest, frowning, and wait. But Milan are not giving up right away. He still leaves me a few minutes to decide to stop my bullshit. Seeing that I don't intend to say a word, he sits up with a sigh. His eyes leave mine to splay on the floor and I should be happy to have won this duel. Glad he didn't push me any further. Glad to be able to continue pretending to be this strong and unreachable girl. So why is it when its two exotic seas recede, I find myself lost in the middle of the hostile jungle?
Without looking at me again, Milan turns on his heels, shaking his head, his disappointment seeping through every pore of his skin. As he puts his hand on the door handle, a cry goes through my trachea without me really knowing where it's coming from:
-No ! Milan, wait!
I sat up in my bed, a real fear pushing me to shake off my bad habits.
- No... don't go, please.
The desperation in my voice terrifies me. Not that I'm not used to hearing it but rather because it's the first time I've let it speak in the presence of someone. And that scares the fuck out of me! So, without thinking, my shell takes over and I seal my lips. I swallow all my fears to let them rot my insides and I put on a mask. Milan, who turned around when I screamed, explores my every feature to understand what's going on in my head, but the chasm I desperately dig between us is so deep that he gets lost in it. He rubs his grating beard under his calloused fingers, breathing heavily, his gaze lost.
My heart beats my chest like a madman. A few tiny seconds hang between us, holding our breaths, our fears and our hopes. I really want him to be able to read between my lines, but I can't ask him to do the impossible. Another minute forms, falls on me and makes its way down my cheek, my neck, my anxietiesA. It coats all these sentences that I would have to whisper to make them disappear in an ocean of unspoken words. And I stay like that, paralyzed between the fear of showing myself vulnerable and that of losing my friend for good. I think Milan senses my distress through my silence as he takes a few steps in my direction.
-Would you like to answer me? he asks in a cajoling tone that annoys me as much as it comforts me.
I breathe once. I nod my head once. My heart stops beating once. And for once, I force myself to muster my courage to let him back into my life.
-OK. So why did you kick me out four days ago?
His gaze is so transcendent that I am unable to sustain it. Telling him what's on my mind isn't really one of my specialties, but if I have to look him in the face, I know in advance that I won't be able to finish my sentence. I then turn my face to the window. The sun is in great shape today. It floods the park with its carefree rays, delighting the sick people swarming on the benches. I let my fingertips run over the keys of his ipod and I feed on all the memories that emerge.
The m u s i c e of M i l a n m e c o u t i s h o u t h u i m e s t o r t h e n t
-I-I... I was... I was f-scared. I can see that you're angry with me and I didn't want you to stay here out of... out of pity.
The words on my tongue are tiny little thorns that cling to my fortress, tear my wards and leave a bitter taste when they leave my lips. That of vulnerability. And damn, I hate it.
-And why did you leave when we were sixteen?
-I don't know Milan. I... I don't remember anything since that day.
A second. A silence. A glance.
-When I came out of the coma, the doctors discovered that I suffered from partial amnesia. I forgot the last seven years of my life.
My friend gasps in surprise as his fingers twitch slightly around the white sheet that covers my legs. I stare at them eagerly, dreading the moment when pity will push them to grab mine. I wait, I wait, I wait but that moment never comes. When I raise my head, his eyes catch me instantly. They express so many things in an alphabet that I don't understand that I'm lost. Why are A's no longer A's? And why do these words that I don't understand still seep through my cracks?
"And..." he continues in his voice hoarse with emotion. And you know if you're gonna stay like this forever?
-No. They made me pass lots of tests and they say that nothing is irreversible for the moment. Ah, and while we're at it, I can't walk either. And it's the same, I have to wait to see if I will ever get my legs back.
-What ???
His panicked gaze and his tense body swallow up all the oxygen that surrounds us. I don't really know what to do or what to think so I let him digest all this good news.
He finally sits on the edge of my bed, his shoulders hunched and his head bowed.
- But what happened?
I then tell him what the police told me. Over the words, the mask he wore in recent days goes up in smoke. I finally find the expressive face of my childhood friend. His black eyebrows that meet when he is preoccupied. His lips so pink that purse when he's upset. His hands rubbing his chin now covered with a beard that suits him perfectly when he plunges into his thoughts. And his eyes, so alive, lit, animated.