Chapter 12 - May

You can have a pursuit of happiness but you'll never achieve it.It's a pipe dream, happiness is just another reason to live and that's a pretty shitty reason.I'm sorry for my mannerism, I've felt unhinged ever since that visit, It's May 25th now, I leave on the first of June.A week from now I'm gone, free from this curse.I remember someone told me "Au Revoir Mi Cherie" she still holds a dear spot in my heart.I am in my balcony, wearing some shades to cover the sunshine, it's bothering.I am drinking a cup of Soda, haven't had this in a while.I weigh about 170 right now, it's bad, I had nearly a whole year and started at 210 pounds and dropped only 40 ? Seems pathetic.I put up an effort but still awful, I feel in great health but still look defeated when looking in the mirror.It's 9:30 am, I finally woke up early, I've been fixing my sleeping schedule for weeks now to get used to life back in America.I see two birds together across from here, in another balcony.I wonder if I could get them from here, I go quickly inside, I place my cup on my table and get my slingshot and some rocks.I run back out into the balcony and aim.I go for the one my left since I'm left handed, to show it honor I guess.I am and shoot, I hit it in the stomach.It stands still for a second then tips over and falls on to the street.The other bird flys away scared, I grin as I look At the bird twitching, I think I hit it in the heart.I feel that if I can't be happy why should nature.As the bird dies out in the street I walk back inside, I close the door of the balcony and put the slingshot and rocks away.I go to mothers room and I see her watching tv.I am completely changed, wearing my Sneakers and ask her "mom can I get some money to buy some chips right in front ?" I ask as she points at her purse, "get 200 and get me a box of cookies as well …" she says as I Go for it, I get 200 Pesos and start to walk downstairs, She gets up and head for the restroom.I feel a bit dapper as I'm wearing s striped shirt and khaki pants, as well as my sneakers and shades.I nonchalantly walk to the store as I see the bird up the street still dying slowly, probably having an aneurysm.I ignore it for now as I go in and get me a soda and mothers cookies.Meanwhile mother has finished in the restroom and goes curiously into my room expecting me in there with the cookies.She looks through my cabinet and noisily goes through my shoebox.She sees all the things I've drawn, as it's innocent at first.My picture of Rose, my drawing of M&M and then comes the calm before the storm.

I go back outside after paying for the things, I go up to the bird as I smugly hover over it.It's crazy to see I've killed it and no one will ever know.It's quiet outside as it's still early, I take a knee next to bird who is bleeding out of its mouth.Very off of it, I'm no expert but I don't know if that's normal.Like it's coughing up blood, it finally croaks.I get up and let out little laugh, I see it in its final moments as it meets its maker.So sad but it felt so satisfying.It now has its blood run down the street, it's not much but a thin line of blood flowing down as it stops.I walk back home to deliver mother her cookies and I can enjoy my soda.

Mother is appalled as she sees all my drawings and awful writings I've written.Very disgusting things as she look a of horror.My lewd and disturbing drawings have surfaced.I am yet to meet what's yet to come when I walk back inside.I look at M&M who's laying on the floor of the stairs not moving, "little bastard, imma kill you next…" I say jokingly as I walk over him and head upstairs.I walk in to see mother not in her room so I head for my room.I walk in smiling as it drops when I see her looking in my shoebox.

"what the fuck !" I say angrily as she stands there in shock.She has the box laying on my table, I walk over and shove the papers laying out back into the box.I aggressively put the box of cookies on the table.I put the box back in the cabinet and say "what the hells your problem ?" I say angered as she comes back to reality and says "You are not my son….you are a sick Bastard…." She says as she storms off angered.I stand there and sigh, I see the box of cookies and am in anger.

It's later that as I still haven't forgotten my obsession over that damn clock as it loudly makes it known it's 9:00 PM.I am downstairs as I play The "Animalism" album, it's on the Squeeze Her- Tease Her track.I enjoy this song as it reminds me of Rose.Mother us upstairs as she sees me sitting there.She awkwardly sits along side me on the other couch.I see her in annoyance and say "what are you doing down here ?" I ask angered as she says "I live here god damn it, the hell you doing ?" She asked as its silent.Uncle Dolby comes out and says "We'll what the hell y'all doing ?" He asks as he sits aside us.I stare away from the conversation as Dolby says "I'll be back, I got something cool for y'all …." He says as he heads upstairs.I still ignore her as the next track plays.It feels awkward with the tension.M&M is aside Kroger sleeping like a pig.It's quiet until Dolby comes back downstairs with that Axe I've mentioned.So much history with it, now in the hands of Dolby.

"look what I've brought out !" He says as Mother in fear says "Put it back !" She says angered as Dolby says "Now hold on, Glenn's gotta know his history, This is a national treasure amongst our family…." He says as he hands it to me, I hold it with a firm grip.I stare at it as it's clean reflect hits me, I look back at Dolby as he mutters on more history.Mother angered gets up and says "god damn it Dolby for once in your life do something right…put it away…" she yells as he looks at her in disappointment.He angrily goes into his room as she stands there shocked at the sight of me with it.She stands there as Dolby walks out of his room quietly and exits as he puts on his leather jacket.Now it feels like a Mexican stand-off, I get up as I demand "sit down mother…." I say as I go to yeh record player and pause the song."I really like this band, there earlier work was phenomenal but this album just blew my mind….changed me you know….we'll I guess you haven't noticed much have you ?" I say as she tries to speak "Glenn please listen to me -" she says as I talk over her, "Shut up, shut up, listen to this …." I say as I play The "Gin house Blues" Track, "this song changed me, it's rhythm it has is amazing" I say as mother quickly runs for the door as I chase her with the axe.I catch her and drop her to the floor, she screams.M&M hears this and sees the situation, mother gets up and walk back into the room, she head for the stairs until I catch her leg, she trips and hurt her knee.M&M sees this and bites my leg in retaliation, I yell "Ahh you fat fucking dog !" I yell as I kick out of the way, I drag it by its collar into Dolbys room as it bites my hand, I fight through the pain.I throw him in and lock the door, I see mother get up a bit.I slowly walk up the stairs as she walks up as well, scared. "I said listen, you god damn horrible woman….also seeing yourself as the victim just like my sister….you never pay me no attention….always being nosy, first you see those drawings, that's the real me….what I feel is my passion…..you just don't see it …..you devilish woman…." I say as we're halfway up the stairs, "you….you never gave me the chance …" she cries out as I reply with axe in my left hand."Bullshit, you revoked your chance when you left us, all of us….you had me destroyed…..you know how hard it is without a Mother…..dad had to be both parents at times and it wasn't so well….." I say as we're upstairs now.She runs up to her room and locks the door as I stands outside of it with the axe."Open the god damn door, or is this just like you to shun away your son….." I say as she is the room in fear.She lays aside the door in fear as she can't walk very well due to the fall she had I lose my focus and turn my attention to that damn clock, this piece of shit.I look at it and growl like a dog, I get the axe ready and demolish it. I swing over and over until I rip it in half.It's now pieces, all over the floor.Mother hears this as she opens the door and sees what I've done.I feel free now, I take a big breath of fresh air as I put the axe down.I walk like a goblin into my room as I head for bed.Mother is confused but quickly gets the axe perfectly the song still plays in the background.I don't feel a burden anymore, this family tradition of burying it is no more.I slept that night peacefully as mother put the axe away.She stood outside my door in terror and fear.I feel awful that I've left this mark as I leave soon, I could just imagine what uncle Dolby will have to say on this.