Chapter 5: The Two Masters

Kira raced into her quarters, chest heaving from lack of breath. Fear coursed through her body, and a persistent throb of chaotic thoughts raced through her mind. The memory of nearly killing her own Master reverberated through her mind along with the images of the shocked stares of her fellow Jedi, triggering a deep sense of shame at her failure at controlling her fear.

She recalled the refrain that had been drummed into her mind since very early on: Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Did she not experience fear at the vision of Ben killing his mother and uncle? Did she not feel a surge of anger and hatred toward the Emperor? Had she not just caused suffering to the being who had overseen her training for the past three years? So often had Master Rancisis scolded her for indulging her emotions, always with the suggestion that to be a true Jedi meant to abandon love and attachment forever. Now she feared that her grasp on the light side of the Force was tenuous at best. A fearful, vindictive voice that sounded an awful lot like the Emperor whispered in a corner of her mind: your lack of control will lead you down the dark path.

But how was she to sever herself completely from feeling? Luke and Leia had found her, raised her, brought her up in a world that had become as much of a home as anything possibly could be. She felt love toward both. And Ben – she regarded him as a brother, and the vision of him scarred and murderous rose through the continuously cycling images of her peers staring at her in shock and horror. Had her attachments, born from her trauma and her salvation, rendered her unfit to be a Jedi knight? Was she incapable of renouncing her attachments and following the Jedi path? And if she was unfit to be a Jedi, what exactly was she fit for?

The urge to run rose inside her. She anticipated a trial before the masters where they would scrutinize her flaws and her errors. She imagined ostracization from her peers, who would see only her darkness and her capacity for harm. She imagined estrangement from Ben, concerned looks from Luke, and she recognized that her strongest ally, Leia Organa, was currently leading the galactic Republic and would have little time for her troubles. Each successive thought cycled and amplified, leading to the only conclusion she could conceive of in the depths of her fear, primitive though it was: run.

She began to gather her meager belongings, including her doll. As she stuffed everything roughly into a bag, a timid warble announced the presence of her droid, BD-5. She turned and regarded his concerned demeanor and anxious clucking. BD-5 trilled a query, to which she did not respond. The droid trilled again, more insistent. She turned to the droid, and said aloud, "I'm sorry, old friend," before switching him off through the Force. The droid fell silent and still as she resumed her packing.

With clothes, her doll, and a few other items packed, she stepped toward the window. She looked back at her lightsabers sitting upon a shelf bolted into the wall. The thought of abandoning the lightsabers scared her, as she did not know what might await her if she ran. However, were they not a symbol of her attempts to become a Jedi, at which she had failed so spectacularly? And would it not be true that keeping the lightsabers might prove to be a temptation to continue to use the Force? With a lingering, anguished look at the dual blades, she turned away and mounted the windowsill, ready to escape.

The sloping wall of the temple descended at an angle nearly 100 meters to the jungle below. She had slid down the slope dozens of times in her youth at various points when her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. At those times she fled into the jungle to find solace among trickling streams and choruses of birdsong. She hoisted her body over the ledge at the bottom of the window, and she slid downward, gaining speed in a controlled slide before using the Force to slow her descent near the base. She landed softly on the jungle floor, took her bearings, and broke into a run.

She ran the dense, humid jungle for nearly an hour before coming to a rest at a clearing. Parked within the clearing was her heavily modified YT-1500 freighter, which she had dubbed the Amaya. The ship's boarding ramp dropped down, and she moved quickly up the ramp to trigger the ship's start-up sequence. Inside, she began the pre-flight routine to prepare for take-off, knowing not where she would go. She was so consumed in the process that she did not notice a crucial, exterior component in the ship's flight drive disconnect by some unseen force. Having completed the pre-flight sequence, which was evolved and engineered to finish in seconds, Kira settled herself into the cockpit before raising the ramp to prepare for take-off.

The ramp settled back into place, and she pulled a lever to activate the repulsor lifts. A descending whine signaled the failure of her flight drive, sparking confusion and frustration. She frantically flipped a series of switches to adjust for whatever failure might have occurred, but the ship's computer fed back to her a report of an external structural error. She stood and whirled away from the cockpit, re-engaging the boarding ramp and charging back to the outside of the ship. She examined the exterior of the ship, and within two minutes had located the disconnected component.

As she reconnected the component, a woman's voice spoke from behind her, saying, "Old habits die hard, I see."

Kira spun round to see the spectral form of her former master, Ahsoka Tano, tinged in a white aura. Ahsoka wore a white cloak, and she smiled gently and knowingly to her former Padawan. Kira's surprise froze her momentarily before the feeling yielded to a familiar sense of guilt. Her old Master had frequently tracked Kira down on her forays into the jungle as a child when her emotional outbursts led to similar urges to run. Toward the later period of their time together, Master Tano had become adept at discovering just where Kira had fled to while understanding how much space to give the Padawan as she sought to master her inner turmoil. The behavior had stopped eventually, but now in the depths of Kira's panic, she had reverted to the old habit.

"It's good to see you, Kira," said Ahsoka Tano warmly. "I am sorry for the setback at the trials."

Kira became rigid at the mention of the trials and averted her eyes. Ahsoka took her silence as an opportunity to continue speaking, adding, "You may be interested to know that Master Rancisis is already recovering at the hands of Healer Vesla."

Kira felt a brief spike of relief before anxiety about her fate re-emerged. She voiced her fear to her former Master, saying, "And soon they'll decide to kick me out?"

Ahsoka kept her tone light as she concurred, "That seems to be the position of some. Other Masters appear less certain. It's unfortunate that Master Luke is abroad, as the matter would not be up for debate if he were here."

The mention of Luke's absence stirred something within Kira. She looked toward Ahsoka, and her old master saw the hurt in her eyes at her hero's absence. Ahsoka continued reassuringly, "Luke would have been here had his errand not been of the utmost importance. He knew how much this day meant to you."

Kira could not help but wonder if Luke's presence could have calmed and settled her, but she quickly dismissed the thought. She was certain Luke was the one person in the Order who would have understood and would have taken her side. Bitter feelings aside, she did not relish the idea of harboring resentment toward the closest thing to a father she had ever known.

Kira stepped away from her ship and settled on a fallen log. Ahsoka drifted toward her, settling down upon the log next to her. Kira's shoulders slumped, and she allowed the unspoken fear she had fought against to surface. "I don't think I have what it takes to be a Jedi. I feel so much, so much fear, so much longing, so much anger. How can I be a Jedi if I can't control my emotions?"

"It is no longer a sin to be a Jedi and feel emotion, Kira of Jakku," said Ahsoka, seriously. "When I helped Luke and Leia recreate the Order, I saw to it that we did away with that expectation. We knew that fear would always remain a path to the Dark Side - but disowning it; denying it; destroying it? Better to accept your Dark Side and come to peace with it than attempt to disown it." Ahsoka let the statement linger among the rich orchestra of animal life reverberating in the jungle surrounding them before concluding, "Today, you failed because you've attempted to fit a mold that should have died with the Clone Wars. This rule failed many. Powerful Jedi. Good friends." Sadness suffused Ahsoka's statement, and Kira intuited that Ahsoka had cared very deeply for somebody who had also failed as a Jedi.

Kira considered the statement, then considered the tension that always seemed to exist between Luke Skywalker and some of the older Masters. Skywalker had insisted on allowing Jedi to form attachments, claiming that while attachments could lead somebody down a dark path, they could also lead to redemption. He also argued that dissociation from a Jedi's natural need to form attachment led to more serious vulnerabilities. The older Masters struggled to accept this but having recognized Luke as the true Grand Master of the new order, they spoke no more of it. Kira knew the debate would reemerge now that she had lost control. Suddenly, the memory of how she lost control in the first place surfaced back to her awareness.

"It was him again," Kira told her old Master.

"Emperor Palpatine?" asked Ahsoka, disquieted.

"Yes," Kira confirmed hollowly.

"Kira, we confirmed that he's gone forever. All that's left is a dark stain in the Force above Endor. He can't hurt you," reassured Ahsoka.

"I know. But it's not just that. Ben was there, too. He had fallen to the Dark Side. He killed Luke and Leia." The last words were difficult for Kira to speak, and another wave of emotion threatened to engulf her.

Ahsoka sat silently, her gaze strained and directed to the distance as if searching far and wide for the right words. Kira waited expectantly for a full minute before Ahsoka finally spoke again, "The cave shows us what we fear the most. It showed you the loss of everything you love. But no matter how true it felt, it's only a mirror of your fears." Ahsoka paused again, "It's one of the hardest things we do in life, but we have to be able to hold onto faith in our friends even in the face of our fears."

Kira and Ahsoka sat in silence as Kira considered her old Master's words while sinking deeper into the peace suffusing the jungle surrounding her. Kira's emotional turmoil gradually subsided into calm as she reached out through the Force to connect with the environment. Ahsoka smiled, recognizing another old habit. The jungle had always soothed Kira more than any exercise ever could. Ahsoka had come to understand that the richness of life had filled a terrible void where only tenuous connections and terrible fear had existed. It was only natural for her Padawan to flee to such reassurance, especially when the rules and expectations of others had proved an onerous burden. As her Padawan continued to relax, Ahsoka sensed the shift of another being carrying their own rich emotions approaching.

Ahsoka turned back to Kira. "Kira, this will be the last time I'll be able to see you for a while. You know our role; we guide when needed, but otherwise stay out of the affairs of the living."

Kira looked up, calmer now, but connected to a deep sadness. "I wish you could stay," she said, smiling through her sadness.

Ahsoka smiled warmly. "I wish I could too, dear one. But before I go, I want you to remember; where there is light, there will always be darkness. It's our choice to remain within the light that defines us. Remember that, and the Force will always be with you."

Kira nodded, sadness and gratitude mingling in her dark eyes. "Thank you, Master."

And with a final smile, Ahsoka Tano vanished, leaving a void that even the warblings of the surrounding birds could not fill. Kira walked over to her freighter and shut down the flight sequence, causing the ship's engines to go dormant. She considered whether to take it for a flight to work off her emotional hangover when a surge of anxiety from a familiar presence preceded a new arrival to her clearing. Ben Solo emerged from the jungle, followed closely by her droid, BD-5.

Ben bent over, catching his breath. When he straightened, he said, still winded, "I was afraid you left."

Kira stiffened, uncertain whether to take a defensive posture. The image of Ben consumed by darkness and filled with murderous rage fought against the current reality of a winded, concerned friend. "I nearly did," she admitted. Ben looked at her ship, noting that the engines were dormant, and she could see his body posture shift from one who was in a rush to one who was prepared to dissuade any further action. Sensing his intention, she reassured him, "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

"I thought we agreed we weren't going to do that," Ben admonished her for reading into his emotions, but with the lop-sided grin he had inherited from his father.

Kira allowed herself a small smile, then retorted, "Well, it's not like you're much good at hiding it."

Ben's first impulse was to laugh, but the seriousness of what had occurred during the trial overrode the impulse. Kira caught his abrupt shift back to seriousness, and she mirrored his posture. Ben began to speak with the air of somebody about to break unwelcome news. "The council has deliberated, and. . . "

"I'm to be kicked out?" Kira interrupted.

"Not exactly," continued Ben. "None of the Masters are willing to take you on as a Padawan. Master Rancisis – don't worry; he's going to be fine. Healer Vesla is attending to him now. Anyhow, you did not break any rules, although Master Melso went on and on about the Jedi code of old, blah blah blah."

Kira smiled. Ben had little patience for Master Melso, whom he privately considered an insufferable old fool. In private moments, Ben had mocked most of the Masters, as they seemed more interested in meditating within their chambers than in being out in the galaxy attempting to help. Kira knew that Ben had idolized his grandfather's galactic errantry, and his conception of being a Jedi had little to do with quiet contemplation. Master Tano had always said Ben had quite a bit of both his father and his grandfather in him. Kira always found it amusing, but Master Tano always appeared disquieted by the observation.

Kira interjected again, "Well, I guess that's it. I can't be a Padawan if I don't have a Master. I mean, I don't blame them for not wanting to train me after what just happened."

Ben shifted nervously, as if uncertain of how his next words would land, then he said, "Well, that's not exactly true. None of the Masters will train you, but. . ."

"Who?" Kira asked in curiosity. Ben grinned his lop-sided grin again, then the understanding hit her. "You?!"

Ben spread his arms apart in another gesture that reminded her of his father- a gesture that seemed to ask, "Hey, what are you gonna do?" Kira experienced a conflicting mix of emotions at this revelation.

Ben noted her apparent ambivalence, and his smile failed. In a hurt voice, he said, "Don't thank me all at once."

Kira shuffled through the storm of conflicting emotions. First, there was gratitude at his commitment to her becoming a Jedi, which was something they had talked about and dreamed about all through their childhood. Following the gratitude came apprehension, her vision, or dream, or whatever it was, showed Ben fallen to the Dark Side, murdering at the behest of Emperor Palpatine. And then she remembered Ahsoka's words: faith in her friends. The vision was an extension of her fear, but that did not make it a prophecy. She chose to let gratitude win out.

"Thank you, Ben," she said with deep sincerity. "I will not fail you."

"Hey, you're more skilled than all the Jedi and most of the Masters. Honestly, there's not a lot I need to teach you. When Luke gets back, we'll figure out the lightning thing, and in a year you can take your trial again." Then, he grinned, adding, "And I'll spend that time putting you through your paces in lightsaber combat."

Kira grinned, her good humor finally returning. "Putting me through my paces? Is that what you're calling it now?" she shot back mischievously.

Ben smiled sheepishly, unwilling to admit to his new Padawan the truth of the matter: it had been a while since he had bested her in lightsaber training. The warm glow of Kira's returning serenity filled him with a hopeful sense of optimism. Kira's droid trilled a question, and Ben turned to Kira, uncertain of how to interpret the droid's language.

"Oh, he said he'd be happy to film. You know, for instructional purposes," Kira translated, smiling.

Ben cocked an eyebrow, then said, "Come on, let's get back to the temple."

Ben turned and started back to the edge of the clearing, but Kira hesitated. "Aren't you coming?" he asked. Kira took another look toward the log where she had sat with her former Master just moments before. She knew that it would not be easy to return to the temple. She knew there would be judgment. Her Master's words reverberated in her mind: It's one of the hardest things we do in life, but we must be able to hold onto faith in our friends even in the face of our fears. She took a deep breath, then, committing herself to that faith, followed her new Master.