30th July
Good day.
"Have a good one."
I nodded in the general direction of the person who had just spoken to me. I pointed at him even though I was holding an ice cream cone in my right hand. "Have a good one too."
While walking, I was taking bites out of my ice cream. I had gotten a triple flavour of vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. The full Neapolitan!
It was a lovely shopping complex.
I wore shorts, a random shirt I found in my closet and my glasses. My hair was an absolute mess, and I was still feeling slightly drowsy. Who knew ice cream places open so early?
I made my way to the roof, the ice cream cone already half-eaten by the time I made it there. Up on the top, there weren't too many people around. I walked over to a bench and sat down, watching my shadow slowly retract as the sun started rising.
What a journey, huh?
Would have been nice if a certain someone didn't decide to off herself.
Well, whatever.
It's a Saturday today, right? I think it is.
…
Sun's nice.
The ice cream was melting, dripping onto my fingers and falling to the ground. I ignored it as I stared far into the distance.
…
I-
You know, I have been waiting for this day for quite a while. But now that it's come to this, I don't really know what to do. I guess I've been having some difficulties expressing my emotions, but am I really this… empty?
Or is this bliss? Is this what bliss feels like?
Or is it… something else? I can't put my finger on the words that could describe what I was feeling. I mean, I finally got my ice cream, but I'm just wasting it and letting it melt. What am I supposed to be doing?
I hopped onto my feet and threw the rest of the ice cream aside. I wiped my hands and pulled my phone out.
But I simply held it in place.
'I know you might not be free, but do you wanna hang out tomorrow?' A text from Catherine.
I swiped through my phone and there was a text from an unknown number. 'Old lady got me a phone to text big sis.'
I'm guessing that's from Chloe.
Otto's gone quiet. Understandable after what I did to him.
I set my phone aside and stared at the sky. It was somewhat cloudy, and the clouds were grey.
Bad day?
"Don't stop me now…" I sang to myself as I continued staring at the sky.
I looked to the right. "What are you waiting for?"
I looked to the left. "It's kind of scary, innit?"
I looked to the right. "Pussy."
I let out a sigh and leaned back in the seat. I scratched my head before going completely still and just staring at the ground.
I am… so tired.
Tired beyond belief.
My mind feels inches away from being torn apart. I don't have the energy to do anything. I want to sleep and never wake up. Reality is so tiring to be in.
…
Voice recording, recorded 30th June
"Hello. This is Joy Kisa speaking.
I uh… don't really know what else to do. Ever since I was young, no one really seemed… close? No one seemed to care about me.
My mom said she named me 'Joy' because I brought happiness into her life. She believed I could be something… something great. T-That I would be able to make people around me happy… But I'm not happy at all. I-I don't really know when exactly it all went wrong. Am… Am I a weird person?
Was it when I watched a boy die and didn't say a thing? Was it when my Dad died in a car accident? Or was it when my Mom abandoned me? Someone, please tell me.
I-I feel like I've learnt a lot up to this point. I'm useless… people want to pick on me because I'm weak, stupid and ugly. These… bullies… won't leave me alone! Even now, alone in my room under a blanket, I can hear them. It's noisy… It's painful… someone make it stop! STOP! I WANT IT TO STOP!
…
I'm going to therapy. My Mom made me go. I hate it.
I don't think it's working… I go there and these voices don't leave me alone. I still believe I'm worthless and better off dead. After speaking with the therapist… I feel even worse. The way she talks to me… I don't like it one bit. I want to stop all of it.
Every night I go to sleep hoping I will never wake up. Every morning, I hope I will be left alone. It hurts… it really hurts…
But recently, I've been thinking about what I want to do.
There is nothing.
I don't feel like living on…
I don't think I am someone who is afraid of dying. Every day is already a living Hell for me. Sometimes I wonder if Hell was a nicer place than the one I'm living in. They abuse me, they steal and destroy my things, they call me names, they spread rumours, they cut my skirt, they… they-
I once had someone come up to me believing I would sleep with him for cash…
Someone assaulted me...
I was beaten up and stripped in the girl's bathroom in school. I stayed there until a cleaner finally pitied me.
I cry and I cry… who's going to help me?
Not the teachers, not my classmates…
I only have myself, and I can't do anything myself…
I don't even have a proper family.
I've been thinking about what I want to do…
There's a girl… She's the biggest bully out of everyone. If she stops… if she… goes away… will I finally be saved? I-I want her out… Out of my touch, out of my sight and OUT OF MY LIFE!
…
Sorry…
But I've also been thinking of what to do after. I don't think I can achieve anything in the future. I'm stupid, I don't have looks and I'm just a boring person… What? What am I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to live?
I don't want to leave without doing anything either. I want that girl to suffer like I did, I want her to feel what I feel…
Afterwards… Afterwards…
I-I think… I think I can go to sleep for a very long time.
I haven't been to school in a week… I spent hours in the dark curled up in my bed, engulfed by my own thoughts. My brain was filled with so many scenarios it gave me headaches. I wanted revenge.
I'm hoping that by the 30th of July, I'll be free.
Yesterday I got my hair dyed green.
I've been an actress ever since my Mom remarried. Someone who had to act like a functional family member…
I'm going to act… I'll be who I need to be.
I… I'm-
…
If someone finds this recording, please… help me"
End of recording.
Log 1, written 1st July
'Dear Diary, after that breakdown yesterday, I am feeling slightly better. I'm returning to school after about a week and honestly, I was afraid. People kept staring and I couldn't keep the bad thoughts quiet.
I've been forcing myself to smile in front of people. It's kind of tiring.
Mr Dohl made a mistake. I think he hasn't realised that I've been gone for a week. I wonder if everyone else thinks the same. Not like they notice me at all.
Candace isn't in school today.
I'm honestly relieved.
I used to watch standup comedy in my spare time hoping it could make me laugh. It never did. Now, I try to be like those comedians and crack jokes. I think my classmates have the same sense of humour as I do. None of them laughed.
I have to go to supplementary lessons on Mondays and Wednesdays.
Maybe it's because I haven't been to school in a while, I don't understand what is being taught at all.
I walked across the most popular guy in school. I was kind of nervous and ended up laughing awkwardly by accident. Hopefully, I didn't look too bad…
I'm still not that comfortable around Fable… I ended up asking about his girlfriend again. I need to think of ways to talk to him naturally.
Turns out Fable's girlfriend visited.
I hid in my room because I know I would just ruin the atmosphere. It's better if she meets the rest of them instead. I'm also a bit scared. What if she doesn't like me? What if she starts bullying me? It's safer to be alone.
But I am so hungry
That was all.'
End of Log 1.
Log 2, written 2nd July
'Dear Diary, I woke up early.
It's so noisy. I can't sleep with all of this noise. I went out for a jog even though it was still dark out. I just want anything to distract me.
I met a homeless person. I was afraid, but since I have to be committed to the character I'm acting, I approached him. He was… alright.
I started running because the noises were getting too loud. When I came to a stop, I didn't know where I was.
There was a convenience store nearby. Something about being out while the moon was still out made me tremble. I had no idea where I was. I didn't even know there was a convenience store there before that moment.
I thought to get some directions. Met with a woman named Catherine. She's a nice person. I think. Luckily, she was able to drive me home.
Fable seemed mad at me, and I think Mom was mad at me. I hope they don't hate me. I'm trying to act like a normal sister to Fable. I don't really know what to do and I'm not sure if I'm being natural enough.
People are noticing that I'm putting up an act. The therapist already figured me out. Hopefully, nobody catches on. I'm more tired than yesterday. If this goes on, I'm not sure how well I'll do in the future. I'm not sure much longer I can keep it up. I'm hoping that I get better at it in the future.
Catherine sent me a text. I think we're friends now.
I can't trust her
That was all.'
End of Log 2.
Log 3, written 3rd July
'Dear Diary, Mom wasn't at home when I woke up. She told me not to go out. I guess it's understandable since it's scary outside.
I went out anyways.
Catherine was nice and invited me out to hang out. I didn't know what kind of person she was, and I still don't really trust her. What if she's planning something bad? What if I get hurt because I'm with her? But I needed to act like a 'normal' girl. I realised I haven't found out what this character I'm playing does for leisure. Note to think more about this later.
Went to the arcade. Not my first time being there. I remember going there some time ago. It was not a fun experience. I don't like arcades. It's loud, bright and cramped. Felt like running away. Catherine seemed like she liked going to arcades. She left me alone for a while, I thought I was going to get kidnapped. Met the class representative there. I pretended not to know him hoping he would leave me alone. Luckily, he left soon.
I think I can use him. He seems to hate Candace too.
People stare at me a lot. Please, please look away.
My finger really hurts because I was trying to act funny. I don't think I should have slammed my finger into the button. Got a banana plushie I named Peel. Even though I was quite afraid, I think I had some fun.
Catherine even treated me to lunch. I've never hung out with someone like this before. It's a new experience. She says she has a bunch of plushies at home, that's nice. I left the house because I was starting to have those thoughts again.
I helped out a little girl named Chloe. Turns out her parents are missing. She reminds me a little of myself. How her parents left her. She's with the police, so I think she's fine. Staying out so late is scary. It always feels like someone was creeping up behind me.
Reached home safely.
That's all.'
End of Log 3
Log 4, written 4th July
'Dear Diary, it's my second day back in school. I went to school early hoping Candace wouldn't see me. The most popular guy in school talked to me… I'm afraid of what the other girls will do to me if they see me. I don't like the way he looks at me. I don't like the way he talks to me.
I think they saw me.
Candace barely missed me when she went up to talk to the most popular guy in our school. But when I went back to class, she started picking on me again. I finally stood up for myself. Luckily the teacher stepped in and stopped them from beating me up too badly.
Candace's group once hit me so hard that I couldn't breathe for a couple of minutes.
I don't want to be hit anymore.
I know the school won't do anything to help me even if I insisted on my innocence. I thought about it, but I decided that the character I'm playing wouldn't do that. I wrote a vulgar report and Mr Dohl had to read it in front of the class.
I feel sorry, but the character I'm playing doesn't apologise for things like these.
Luckily, they gave me a suspension so I don't have to be bullied anymore. I thought Mom would be mad, but she seemed alright with it. She must be disappointed in me… I don't want to disappoint her…
I played with Chloe today at the orphanage. She's really cute and I like her even though I know I shouldn't be feeling that way.
That's all.'
End of Log 4.
Log 5, written 5th July
'Dear Diary, I went to visit Catherine's University. She picked me up in her car and we talked on the way. I don't really know how to speak with her so I just said a few jokes and weird lines. But I found out more about her from talking with her.
I was suspended from school yesterday, so I didn't really have anything else to do. Also, this character I'm playing just sort of decided on it. When I texted Catherine last night, it was mostly a blur. I think it was to maintain the somewhat friendly personality that I was supposed to have.
I was separated from Catherine. I was afraid of getting found out and thrown out while walking around the University by myself. I hid in the library. I came up with some stupid excuse for me to leave the University. It's scary to be there. What if the older people wanted to bully me or beat me up? I didn't like it there.
The police told me about Chloe's family. Why did they tell me? Do they expect me to do something about it? I don't want to be stuck with such a responsibility. But I promised them I would tell Chloe. I thought that with the character I was playing, it would be easy to tell Chloe. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Instead, I promised to take her to the town fair tomorrow.
What's going on with me? I don't even know anymore.
That was all.'
End of Log 5.
Log 6, written 6th July
'Dear Diary, Today was the day I took Chloe to the town fair.
I don't like the Town Fair. It's the place Mom once abandoned me in. I don't like being there. I really hated it there the entire time. I was looking for every excuse to just leave. Too many people, too loud and I just hate it there.
I brought Chloe there because it was supposed to be a fun place. I'm supposed to be a normal girl, I should be able to go to the Town Fair just fine. But it wasn't. Chloe looked like she had an okay time. Hopefully, she didn't notice how much I was trying to suppress my urge to run.
I met Candace there. When I saw her, I felt like running away. I didn't want to talk to her. When she got close, I was scared so badly that I almost wet my pants. I ended up kissing her because I was playing the character. I felt so sick and dizzy that I felt like throwing up on the spot. She had scary friends that I thought would beat me up. Luckily, a security guard stopped them from doing any of that.
I hate it there, so I left with Chloe. Chloe looked sad. I brought her to a fried chicken place because I didn't know where else to bring her.
Seeing her sad reminds me too much of myself, especially after hearing what happened to her parents.
Later that day, I met Fable's girlfriend. I was afraid that she might hate me for avoiding her, but she seemed nice. I remember seeing her. She was one of the customers I talked to recently at the convenience store. I pretended not to know her, but I think she might have caught on. I can't trust her. I don't know what she's up to.
That was all.'
End of Log 6.
Log 7, written 7th July
'Dear Diary, I got a text from one of the scary people Candace was with.
I didn't know how to respond or talk to him. He said he got his phone number from Candace. I knew she had my phone number because she would always send me death threats and insults. I agreed to meet up with him, but I was wary and really scared. He didn't attack me or insult me, but he's scary. But he seems like someone that I could use to make Candace suffer, so I made an agreement with him.
I Saw Fable's girlfriend at a shop with someone else. I think she might be cheating on Fable, but I'm not telling anyone. What if Fable and his girlfriend both get mad at me for accusations? What if I'm wrong? But she told me a lie though…
Why are people asking me things related to Chloe? I don't really know her.
That was all.'
End of Log 7.
Log 8, written 8th July
'Dear Diary, I thought I was alone at home, but Tucker was home too. He tried talking to me. All just an act to be my 'father', I guess.
Normally I wouldn't talk to him, but the character I'm playing would, so I talked. To get out of the situation early, I went out to the cafe a couple of blocks down because some old lady suggested it. I like the cafe. It's quiet and had a nice ambience to it. The food was good too. But I stopped enjoying it when the most popular guy in school showed up out of nowhere and started talking to me.
I don't like him. He exudes arrogance.
He's talking to me about a bunch of stuff I don't want to talk about. I feel like he's a hypocrite and I don't like him. I don't ever want to speak to him ever again. Maybe I shouldn't go back to the cafe again. But Candace has a crush on him. Maybe I can use him, or would it not be worth it? I will never, ever trust someone like him.
Spent time with Chloe again, we played Monopoly. It was fun.
That was all.'
End of Log 8.
Log 9, written 9th July
'Dear Diary, went to visit Catherine. I didn't know how to get there other than to take the path I took last week. It was dark and creepy. It felt like someone was watching me. Every other second I would look behind me just in case someone was really following me. I spoke with a homeless man again. I'm not sure if he's the same guy as last week.
I got to know more about Catherine. I'm not still unsure if I should trust her, but I have a feeling that she would make a good friend. But I'm afraid she might hate me for putting up a character when I'm around her. What if she finds out and starts ignoring me? I rather not get too close.
Had an appointment with Doctor Lisa. I still don't like the way she talks to me. She started asking these weird questions. I have a feeling that she's considering sending me to the mental asylum. I don't want to go there. She tried hiding it from me, but I don't trust her at all. Not one bit.
That was all.'
End of Log 9.
Log 10, written 10th July
'Dear Diary, I think I let a bit of myself slip today. I think I let my lack of enthusiasm show too much. I really don't like amusement parks, especially if I have to go with Tucker and Fable. I had to pretend to be the family person. We're one big happy family. It's an act I had gotten used to ever since Mom got remarried.
I decided not to talk today because I was in a pretty bad mood. I did talk a bit to Fable about some of my concerns. I don't know why I told him all of that. I guess it's because I wanted someone to share my worries with.
I hate it there. It almost made me drop the act for a moment.
I hate these 'family-bonding' sessions. I don't want to bond with people who aren't my family.
That was all.'
End of Log 10.
Log 11, written 11th July
'Dear Diary, I'm returning to school and I'm scared.
My classmates tried apologising to me, but that's disgusting to see. I don't think they mean it. It's been years and I know I can't trust any of them. The school also made sure that Candace and I were always some distance apart. When I first heard it, I was relieved that they implemented it. Maybe, just maybe I don't have to be afraid of Candace anymore.
I also have supplementary lessons. I think my character has gotten a bit shaky recently.
Candace's group hit me. I started talking about the kiss we shared at the Town Fair to try and distract them. I was scared about getting a negative reaction from the class, but they decided not to gang up on me. I had even searched online and managed to find a video of the kiss. It makes me sick watching the video again. I'm scared, but I'm slightly assured by the new rule the school implemented.
The most popular guy in school asked to meet me again at the cafe. I didn't want to talk to him again, but at that moment I got an idea. Or at least, it was something the character I was playing would have done.
I visited Chloe at Kaster's after my supplementary class. She was asleep.
That was all.'
End of Log 11.
Log 12, written 12th July
'Dear Diary, Nothing much really happened at school today. I managed to steel myself and tell one of Candace's friends where the popular guy and I were meeting up. Someone who just transferred into my club started talking to me. He seems like a nice guy.
The most popular guy in school asked me to help him get rid of the crowd of girls that are constantly following him. He's a frustrating person that seeks attention yet complains about being followed. Why doesn't he try to do anything himself? I don't like his attitude and the way he treats people.
This guy… Helped me achieve my goal. I still don't like him though. But even though I don't like him, I still have to talk to him. Because I can use him.
That is all.'
End of Log 12.
Log 13, written 13th July
'Dear Diary, Tucker's mother got hurt. I don't really like her since she treats me and mom poorly.
Candace wasn't in school today. But her friends were scaring me. Luckily, the teacher stopped them from hurting me. I wish Candace and her friends could disappear and never come back.
I've recently been thinking about the Finals. I don't think I can take it. I'm stupid and don't really have any outstanding qualities. I don't want to disappoint Mom.
That was all.'
End of Log 13.
Log 15, written 15th July
'Dear Diary, I got sick yesterday. I don't feel too good today and wanted to stay home. But I was afraid that anyone in class will start thinking badly of me if I were to miss many days. I think I hid my condition well. I managed to fake my temperature to Mom. I hope nothing bad happens in the future because of this.
Catherine texted me. I'm not sure if I trust her completely, but I think we could be friends.
I spoke with the infamous stalker girlfriend of the class rep. She's just as scary as I thought. I thought she was going to kill me. I managed to get away from her by confusing her, I think. I think my act might have been shaky with how fast I tried to leave. My mind was really messy and I couldn't think straight.
Candace's friends beat me up today. It hurt, but not that much because I couldn't really think straight. It felt kind of numbing. The back of my head hurts. I tried touching it when I got back and I think it's swollen. I can't tell mom or she'll get mad again. But it hurts so much… and my entire body aches… and my mind's in a mess… I want to die.
I also asked Ms Granger to break the news to Chloe. I can't do it. I don't want to have such a responsibility on my shoulders. I hope I don't regret anything. I don't remember much else.
That was all.'
End of Log 15.
Log 16, written 16th July
'Dear Diary, I ran away from Fable's birthday. I really hate these 'family-bonding' things. It's not like Fable is actually my brother. I don't want to be at the birthday, but I used not wanting to see his girlfriend as an excuse. I don't really feel bad, but mom shouted at me. I hope she doesn't hate me.
I spoke with Catherine. I'm getting to know her better. She's a really nice person. She even helped me treat the swollen part of my head. I just don't like how she asks me personal questions I don't want to answer.
My entire body still hurts, especially my stomach and head. I think I'm still sick, but I've been trying to hide it.
Not much happened today.
That was all.'
End of Log 16.
Log 17, written 17th July
'Dear Diary, I went out to the park with Catherine. I really think we're friends now. But I have to be careful. I don't know when she'll stab me in the back. But I shouldn't be like that to someone who's so nice to me. I don't know what to do. I hate that I think this way.
We had pizza together. I didn't like it at the restaurant. Catherine kept asking me questions. I don't like it. Outsiders shouldn't meddle with my family.
I tried visiting Chloe today, but they said she wasn't feeling well. I think it's better that way. She doesn't have to see me ever again. Because she might be sad when I die. Would she be sad after I die? Why do I even care about her feelings?
I hate myself.'
End of Log 17.
Log 18, written 18th July
'Dear Diary, I'm feeling slightly better. The back of my head still hurts, but I think my sickness is starting to leave my body.
I didn't get enough sleep last night because I couldn't stop myself from imagining how things might go wrong in school tomorrow.
The popular guy. That guy kept talking to me in the morning. I don't like the way he talks. I hate him. I got his phone number because that's how I should be acting. I'm supposed to be friendly. I'm supposed to not hate anybody.
Just as I feared, Candace came to school today. One of her friends attacked me with a pair of scissors. I thought I was going to die, but my classmates helped hold her back. My character is supposed to be fearless, so I forced myself to not run away. When she stabbed me above my eye, I felt so much pain that I felt like killing myself. I don't like it. There was so much blood that I felt like passing out. Mom picked me up, and she seems mad.
We got the injury checked at the hospital on the way home. It still hurts. I don't want to feel this pain anymore!
But I can't just yet.'
End of Log 18.
Log 19, written 19th July
'Dear Diary, I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up because either my eye or the back of my head hurt. I have to sleep sideways so I don't agitate the injury.
After I woke up, I forced myself to have a conversation with Fable and Tucker. It's what my character would have done.
Candace was waiting for me outside of class. I wanted to turn and run away when I saw her, but I'm supposed to be confident. Candace was mad, and she's very scary whenever she gets mad.
She showed me that guy's phone. She thinks he likes me because of a picture. I hate him. I hate that guy. I hate him. I hate him! Candace started scratching me. She made me bleed again. She kicked me down and my body hurts. I hate it. I don't want to go to school… I hate Candace. I felt like puking, I almost passed out. I almost let my character slip and beg for her forgiveness if the teacher hadn't appeared.
I don't want to live anymore.
She apologised. Die. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
I want her to die.
That was all.'
End of Log 19.
Log 20, written 20th July
'Dear Diary, my entire body hurts. I think Candace kicked my knee because my left knee is feeling weak. I pretended it was a cramp so I could walk it off, but it was hurting the entire time. It hurts. I was scared of going back to school. I didn't get much sleep last night either. I still had to go or mom might get mad. I have so many bruises and cuts. I'm so ugly. I almost cried alone this morning.
I can't cry. My character doesn't cry.
I hate school.
I spoke with Fable's girlfriend. I don't trust her. I don't like how she's asking me personal questions. I don't like her.
I hate it in school.
That was all.'
End of Log 20.
Log 21, written 21st July
'Dear Diary, Candace is trying to act friendly with me. I hate it. I wish she would just drop dead on the spot. I want to strangle her to death. But I was scared she would kill me instead. I'm weak, I can't win a fight. Seeing her act friendly made me sick. I felt like puking and running away. I hate it.
Tucker tried talking to me this morning. I don't like it when he talks to me. He's trying to make himself seem like my actual dad. I wish he would stop trying.
I had to eat with Candace. I didn't have an appetite the entire time. I hate everything about her. I hate that she tried getting closer to me. I want to see her suffer and die. Her entire family can burn in a fire. But for me to do that, I need to be in character. I need to pretend to like her. I can do it if I act out my character.
That was all.'
End of Log 21.
Log 22, written 22nd July
'Dear Diary, that guy confessed to me. I tried to avoid the situation by making him wait till six, but he didn't leave. I pretended like there were supplementary classes when there weren't. I don't like the way he talks. I hate him.
Luckily, Candace didn't try to do what she did yesterday. I think I might have really tried to kill her if she did.
That guy said he liked me, but I don't like him. He's obviously playing with me. Someone like him isn't worth it. I've never liked him in my life! I hate him.
But I accepted because I could use him.
That was all.'
End of Log 22.
Log 23, written 23rd July
'I MESSED UP'
End of Log 23.
Log 24, written 24th July
'Dear Diary, I woke up late at night several times remembering what had happened. I'm too afraid to even leave my room. I don't feel like going out anymore… I want to die.
I wrote a note to the person who saved me. I hope he's okay.
I had a chat with Catherine to tell her what had happened. Catherine's really nice, so I managed to calm down a bit. My head hurt most of today. I tried drinking a lot of water, but that didn't really work out.
Yin visited today. Fable looked kind of awkward. Everyone was awkward. I didn't want to leave my room, but Mom and Fable might hate me if I try to avoid Yin again.
I later texted that guy who asked if we could meet early in the morning to chat. I don't like the way he texts. I'm scared that he might be using me. He might be playing around with me to make me the laughingstock of the whole school. I don't want that to happen. I have to break up with him soon before I get hurt. He's really annoying.
The events from yesterday still haven't left my head. I hope I get better.
That was all.'
End of Log 24.
Log 25, written 25th July
'Dear Diary, I didn't want to go to school.
I don't want to go to school. But if I miss one more day, the school will expel me and Mom's going to get mad. I woke up early in the morning, still shivering from the thought of what had happened at the park. I'm scared to go out. But if I don't go to school Mom might get mad at me.
I also had to meet that guy early in the morning. He told me that Candace was that way because of him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
Candace slapped me today. She really hates that I'm together with that guy. I was scared of what she would do to me, but she didn't do much else. Thank god.
I pretended not to know about the class rep and his girlfriend. How he had decided to date the girl that had been stalking him for weeks. Hopefully, it'll make me look more natural around him and his girlfriend.
That guy called me to meet me at the roof. He was talking about whether our relationship should be made public. NO! If he makes it public, then everyone will look at me and make fun of me. People will start coming up to me and bullying me again. Just when I thought it had started to die down, people will once again make my life a living hell!
There's only one person that needs to know.
That's all.'
End of Log 25.
Log 26, written 26th July
'Dear Diary, I exposed my relationship with that guy.
I spoke with him in the morning. I don't like talking to him. I'm afraid of him. He might do something to me, so I can't get too close. I'm thinking of breaking up with him already, but I need to make Candace mad first. Luckily, Candace didn't hit me today. She just ran off by herself.
A lot of people found out. They are asking so many questions. I wanted to stay in character and talk to them, but after seeing their faces, I couldn't help but run away.
Fable woke up early today. It was because he needed to talk with his girlfriend. I spoke with Yin later that day. They're breaking up, I think. That's good. I don't want to get any closer to Yin. I don't want her to be a part of my family.
I shared an umbrella with that guy. I thought it was a romantic moment, but I seriously hate how he selfishly did that in front of so many people without thinking about how I would feel. Also, I saw Candace run off in the rain.
That was all.'
End of Log 26
Log 27, written 27th July
'Dear Diary, my character's starting to fall apart.
I still can't get that day out of my mind. I'm also constantly worried about what I'll face in school. I don't want to go to school anymore. I don't want people to stare at me. If only everything could disappear. But I have to go to school. As much as I would want to die, there's something else I need to do first. But no matter how much I try to talk myself into it, I'm still afraid.
I ended up telling Mom that I had a boyfriend. Hope she doesn't think too much about it. It isn't going to last long anyways.
I had to talk to that guy again. I feel very frustrated when I'm around him. I wish he would just disappear. I don't need to be with him, I just need his name and my claim as his girlfriend. I don't want to be anywhere near him.
Candace has friends that want to help her. Must be nice to have people like that in your life.
A big group of people came up to me. I didn't run away this time. A scary junior had talked down to me. I thought she was going to hit me. I thought they would all hurt me. But somehow they didn't.
I told Candace's friends my condition for breaking up with that guy. I had spent many days imagining this day, but I finally got the chance. However, I had instinctively said something else than intended because I was in character. I hate what I said, and I didn't think Candace would accept it.
She texted me to talk to me. I hope she doesn't actually try it. If we do end up that way, I might feel sick for the rest of my life.
That was all.'
End of Log 27.
Log 28, written 29th July
'Dear Diary, I had sex with Candace and the school found out.
I felt sick yesterday after that experience. I had gone along with it because that is what my character would do, but I wish I didn't. Because of that, my Mom got mad and slapped me. It hurt really badly. I felt like crying. My chest hurt.
Yesterday, I received a call from Ms Granger asking me to help find Chloe. I was really worried about her, but I'm afraid of getting closer to her. I don't want to hurt her anymore, that's why I had to push her away. If we get closer, she might regret it when I finally die.
But I couldn't help myself and went searching for her anyways. I tried playing my character while searching for her, but I couldn't really keep the calm, cool and cheerful persona at all. When I found Chloe, I didn't really know what to do. It ended up working out after I told her my plans.
I like Chloe. She likes me too, I think. She said she would be fine when the day comes, but I don't think that's the case. It's paradoxical of me, but Chloe's the only one I don't want to hurt with my plan.
I had planned to break up with that guy.
Chloe slept in the same bed as me. She's like a little sister. Didn't have time to write the Log yesterday because I was still processing what my mom had told me. Also, I didn't wake up until the morning when I went to sleep.
That was all.'
End of Log 28.
Log 29, written 29th July
'Dear Diary, it worked.
In the morning, I read the news about Candace's death. I had been so happy that I was barely able to keep my character intact. I think I spoke less than usual, but that's because I kept on thinking about how Candace was finally gone from my life! After years, I finally get to see the scene I had always wanted.
Not sure if Candace had committed suicide or been murdered, but she must have experienced pain, right? She died! YES! I had to force myself not to dance. I don't care about school, I don't care about other people, I only need to know that Candace is dead! She's dead!
I got expelled, but I don't care. Lessons were cancelled because of Candace's death? Doesn't affect me, does it?
Today, I even went and broke up with that guy. Since Candace is dead, I don't need him anymore. I don't care for his kind words or his hurtful words. He fulfilled his role and I don't need him. I did let my character slip for just a bit though.
I hope Candace felt pain up until the last moments of her life. I hope her parents feel pain after she dies. I hope that everyone who ever loved her feels pain from her passing. The worse they feel, the better I feel. I was so excited today I could barely talk to Mom after I found out the news!
YES!
Since she's already gone, it means I can follow my plan. I'm going to commit suicide tomorrow! I can finally leave this shitty world!
That's all!'
End of Log 29.
…
Voice recording, recorded 30th July
"Hello. This is Joy Kisa speaking…
Well, I've calmed down a little after what happened yesterday. It's currently… five in the morning, and I'm on my way to the shopping mall. I didn't get much sleep last night. I've always thought about ways in which I want to die. I feel like over the course of the month I've changed. My goal remains just about the same, but I want to make people suffer after I die. I want people to cry and be hurt after I die.
I don't know when I decided to do things this way. Maybe it's just an excuse.
I've made a couple of friends. Just Cat and Chloe. I don't think people would care if I die right now.
Candace is dead, that part of my goal is accomplished.
I… uh… don't really know what else to say right now. Honestly, I'm only recording this just in case anybody finds my phone. I guess you could call it proof of my existence. You know, just in case I do die today.
Ever since I played this character in my everyday life, it feels like things have gotten better. Maybe I've been tricking myself into thinking things were better because of the optimistic outlook of my character. I think people like me better when I'm like that. It… frustrates me to know that they only like me because I'm not myself.
It doesn't matter.
*sigh* voices have been speaking in my head ever since I woke up. I like being distracted, I hate letting myself think too much. I imagined myself on the ledge of the building staring down at my imminent demise. I thought about my Mom, Cat and Chloe, the three people that probably care most about me.
But then it made me think about how sad they might be. What if there were more people like them? People that would grieve when I passed on. People who would suffer when I pass on. I want people to hurt and feel pain when I'm gone. Only then will it be a fact that they cared about me.
But I want more. I want people who care so much about me that they would follow me to the grave.
So I replayed that situation in my head. Should I jump?
I know there's something wrong with me. I'm young, I haven't seen it all. But that means I haven't seen the worst of it. I don't want to grow old just to wither and die. I don't even want to live in this world as it is."
End of voice recording.
…
I got up from the bench and stared forward.
I let out a long sigh before pulling out my phone to call Catherine. I simply stood in place while waiting for her to pick her phone up. After about a minute, she finally picked up her phone.
"Hello?" She answered the phone.
"Hey, Cat," I started.
"I'm in the middle of my supplementary classes, why are you calling me?" She demanded, talking in a slight whisper.
I turned around and started walking away, laughing, "My bad, my bad."
I'm kind of relieved she picked up her phone…
"I just wanted to tell you that we should totally visit that shaved ice place you mentioned before," I told her.
"You could have told me that through text, dumbass," Catherine sighed.
"I know, I know," I chuckled. "I just wanted to hear your voice."
"You're weird, man."
We both signed off and I walked indoors with a slight hop in my step. I had a smile on my face, which might have made the people around me glance in my direction.
"I'm burning through the sky…" I whispered to myself while making my way back down to the ground floor. "Two hundred degrees buh-duh duh buh duh da. I'm travelling at the speed of light. I wanna duh buh supersonic man out of you…"
I grinned to myself.
"What a gorgeous day, innit?" I asked myself.
I stopped and glanced off to the left, frowning this time. "No."
I cracked a smile. "Way better than back then, huh?"
Hm…
My phone rang.
"Hullo?" I picked up the phone.
"Joy! Where are you?" My Mom demanded.
"Honestly, no idea!" I replied light-heartedly. "I'm on my way back. No worries though just went out 'cause I felt like getting ice cream."
"It's early morning," She stated.
"You bring up a valid point and I am willing to listen to reason…" I replied jokingly. "Tomorrow."
Ah… Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. I wonder, oh I wonder what tomorrow will bring to me. You know, I used to hate the concept of tomorrow. It's weird, you know? Like, I gotta go through one more day of torture. I guess it's way, way better now.
Oh, but I'm not done just yet~
Heard I'm going to the school in the town over. It's the one filled with all the weirdos. If I'm gonna be there, I need a couple of goals. I haven't given up on my original plan, I would say it's been put on delay.
So what oh what will I be doing in this new school?
Who knows? Join the Drama Club?
Ideas are already forming in my head.
I put my phone down after my Mom made me promise her a hundred times to go home straight away. Sheesh, I know already.
…
Later that day, I walked out of Doctor Lisa's office with a slight hop in my step and a wide smile on my face. Well, next on my agenda today is to visit Chloe to see what's been going on with her. Keep your friends close, am I right?
It appears there is a slight change of plans, so bear with me. I've been thinking that I haven't really gotten too many friends, now do I? I got Cat, Chloe and my family, and that's about it. There wouldn't be much of an effect if I were to die.
So I thought to myself, why not give myself a bit more time? If this persona of mine makes people like me more, I'm just going to keep it up. No matter where I end up in the present or future, I'll make sure to always keep this image up. Imagine if I got really famous and people all around the world end up loving me. Maybe I'll get a whole bunch of friends, then when I finally die…
So how about this?
I got one more joke.
What will happen if you stick a Joy Kisa into a school filled with the mentally challenged and unwanted?
Well, I'm still looking for the punchline too.
My oh my oh my, it's the 30th of July~
I guess this is goodbye.
See you all in Atdonus High~
I hope that all of you can afford the front-row tickets to my imminent demise~