Eleven

CLARA POV

Ever since I arrived in England my heart has been heavy. It is not because I am miles and miles away from home but because of William or should I be calling him Xavier? I could see the hurt in his eyes when I left. I understand why he feels the way he does. He probably thinks that I have abandoned him.

But unfortunately, this great opportunity has come at the most unforeseen time. I never thought that I would get this kind of opportunity and I really hoped that he would have been happy for me. I know that we could not see eye-to-eye many times in our lives but we have also been great friends.

I realize that he is not my brother and because of that, he has no obligation toward me. But it can not be true that he will just switch off any feelings that he has towards me. I must have meant something for him all my life that I have grown up next to him.

I wrote him a few letters but he never writes back. I wonder if I have lost him forever because of the choice that I have made. He was probably my best friend and I will never have a friend like him again.

I have become a great lady in the court. People are looking up at me and are impressed with my fast progress. I have soon become the leader of the students and it will not be long when I get to go home.

My mother has told me in her letters that Xavier would leave the house early in the morning and come back late at night. She is afraid that he has decided to distance himself from her. I guess I am not the only one that he seems to have switched off his feelings too.

England is much different from our village in Ferndale. Everywhere you look you see a gentleman. The poor are hidden and they only come out every so often when they need money. But most of the time they will be arrested or thrown into jail because they do not adhere to the status quo.

A few gentlemen have come to knock on my door and the girls are all excited that I have so many callers. I have drunk tea with quite a few of them but my heart stayed home with my mom and Xavier. I wish that I can hear something from him even if it was just one sentence.

It is time for the letters to be distributed amongst the ladies and I wait patiently for my letter. We are having tea at high noon and we all must act as proper as we should. No one is allowed to show too much excitement as our training will soon be over. If we fail this class, we would not be able to be seen as a lady, no matter our status.

When all the letters are distributed and I did not receive one, I continue to drink my tea as if I am not bothered in the least but I know in my heart is turmoil. I need to get home. I need to know if Xavier is okay and if my mother can survive without me.

I know that the program will end in a few months and then we will all get the results if we are ladies from here on out. I have met a few wealthy ladies and a few not so wealthy ladies. There is a clear distinction between the two and those that come from money do not mix with those who do not have.

Unfortunately, I am one of those who does not have but through lots of hardships, I have at least earned some respect. I guess I will never be able to walk in their circles but this is not going to stop me from proving to them that I am worthy.

"Did you get a letter?"

"No, I have not"

Elizabeth has been my friend ever since I got here. We came from the same class and so we quickly developed a friendship. She has been like a pillar to me through these hard times.

"I am so sorry"

"I am okay, thank you. I see you got a letter? Is it from your dad?"

"Yes, he said that the village is not the same without me"

I laugh while I cover my mouth with my napkin as that is the proper way. You are not allowed to laugh too loud or make any sudden movements.

"I can believe that they miss you. You are a breath of fresh air"

She put her hand on my hand and then squeeze it.

"I think we need to come together tonight"

I look around making sure that no one heard her saying that. I lower my voice to a whisper and then say.

"You know we are not allowed..."

"I know...and that would be why we're going to do it"

Just then our teacher is doing rounds checking if everyone is doing what they are supposed to. She has this long stick she walks with. She never touches us with her hands as we might be unclean in her eyes. Then she pats Elizabeth's back with the stick and says.

"What is the proper posture, Miss Elizabeth?"

We are not allowed to look into her eyes and then Elizabeth answers.

"A straight back is a happy back"

"That is correct, Miss Elizabeth. I can not emphasize enough the importance of this"

"Yes, my Lady"

She forces us to call her a lady even though she has forfeited that right many years ago. She has been involved in a scandal and the only job that she could get is how to train a lady. It is considered a great shame if you are not a lady but teach young girls to be ladies.

When she walks away we giggle as softly as we can because her hair looks like a bird's nest. Soon all our training for the day is finished and we retire to our rooms. Luckily, we all have our own room and I can be myself for a few hours before I have to act like a lady again.

I fall down on my bed and I know that this is not ladylike behavior but I do not care because there is no one that can see me. It was a tiring day and I miss my family tremendously. But then there is a faint knock on my door and I know who it is.

I quickly sit up straight on my bed with my hands folded on my lap and then I say in a feather soft voice.

"You may enter"

The door opens and it is just as I thought. Elizabeth is here to make the night better. She closes the door behind her and then we both jump to sit on the bed. We do not care much to act like ladies when we are with each other as we just want a piece of home.

Then she takes out the marshmallows and chocolate and we start to feast. We talk about everything and everyone and we laugh most of the time. We imagine how it will feel to just lay in the grass and stare at the sky again. How it would be to be free again.

We are laying flat on her back staring at the ceiling as if we are staring at the sky and then I turn to her saying.

"We can still do a few months of this, can't we?"

"Yes, I am sure we can. But I have something more important to ask you"

"I'm listening?"

"What of Sir Robertson? He has been calling on you almost every week?"

I do not know what to answer her because if I am being honest with myself he will make the perfect suitor. He has been nothing but a gentleman to me and has offered to help me with many struggles that I have had these past few months. He has courted me and has taken strolls with me.

"I honestly do not know"

"What are you going to do when you leave here? You know that he will follow you"

"Yes, but what if he knows where I come from? Will he still be so interested in me?"

She laughs as if I am telling a joke.

"Clara, you must know by now that he probably already knows. A gentleman always first do some investigating before courting a lady"

I jerk my head in her direction because I had no idea that they do that.

"Why did I not know this?"

"Oh, honey, it is a known fact among the ladies. I guess you were sleeping through that class"

We laugh together as we realize how ridiculous our lives have become. As the night grows old, Elizabeth makes her way back to her room. Tomorrow we will have another tough day of training as we will be visiting a public place to see how our behavior has improved.

I remember how they took us out the first day we got here and none of us were aware of the fact that we have been monitored. The teachers have been watching us since the beginning and then casually invited each one of us to tell us what we do wrong.

I remember how I could not understand how it could be wrong to laugh loudly when something is funny. I was also not allowed to slap anyone with my hand against the shoulder. There were so many things that I didn't know but when I look back on those days today, I realize that I have come a long way.

I am not that young naive girl that set her foot in England, not knowing where I am going. Today I am a lady and soon I will get the papers to prove it. I will make sure to go home differently than what I have left it.