Forgiveness

Claire tugged the blanket over her mother's shoulder before gathering up the plates from their dinner. She let the TV run as she cleaned up in the living room and left the dishes in the sink for later. It was only nine but her mother was never one to stay awake through a whole movie. Not even on New Year's Day. Claire didn't mind. In fact, she thought it was a bit funny. But she was fully determined to stay up past midnight. So she grabbed a pint of ice-cream from the fridge along with a spoon. There were a lot of specials on TV and all of them called for some Rocky Road. She grabbed a second spoon as an after thought, in case Amelia decided to wake up at an opportune moment.

She closed the drawer with her hip and turned to the doorway.

Her breath caught at the sight of her father standing at the threshold.

"Dad?" she stammered, taking an unconscious step forward.

Castiel didn't answer.

Claire realized in just a moment. "Oh." Disappointment washed away her relief. She set the ice-cream and spoons on the counter with trembling hands. "Castiel." She folded her arms against her stomach. "You shouldn't be here…"

"I wished to meet you," he said. "Is that alright?"

She hesitated before sighing. "Yeah, that's… It's fine. Just… if mom sees you, she'll freak out, so-" She broke off with a helpless shrug.

"I understand." Castiel walked into the kitchen, examining it with dull interest. "Your father, he is an appropriate vessel for me." He glanced out the window at the twinkling lights adorning houses across the street. "He gave me permission to use him. I cannot possess another human without permission." He turned to face Claire. "So why has he not denied me?"

She blinked at him. "What?"

"Why is he not expelling me?" Castiel wanted to know. "He loves you very much. Why is he not doing everything in his power to expel me?"

Claire was shocked by the harsh question. "If you don't want to use him, why don't you just go away?" she snapped.

Her anger was lost on Castiel. He simply nodded distractedly in understanding. "I need him, so I cannot leave," he said as a very vague explanation. "The struggles in this world require humanity. I need either him or you."

"There you go."

He tilted his head in confusion at her confident remark. "Pardon me?"

"It's either Dad or me. He loves me, so he won't let me be your vessel," she answered. "Don't question his decisions." She glanced away with a fierce scowl. "Mom does enough of that for the both of us."

"Are my needs greater than his…?"

She looked up at Castiel. He seemed troubled and that made her falter. Her anger flickered away. Curiosity took hold, so she asked, "What do you mean?"

Castiel studied his hands. Jimmy's hands. "Do you think my needs are greater than his?" He wasn't sure anymore. "Do you value my life over his?"

"I…" Claire twisted the hem of her shirt between her fists. "I don't."

"Hmm."

"But he does."

"I know."

She didn't want her father's body to be used as a vessel, no matter what the reason. She knew exactly what it was like to be possessed by an angel and she wouldn't wish it on anyone. It had been the most overwhelming and painful sensation. Somehow she had endured the ordeal, but only because of her father's pleading. Her family had been torn apart by the angels. Her mother cried herself to sleep most days, consumed with guilt and nightmares. They hardly ever talked about that day. It was just easier to assume that Jimmy had died. He had chosen the Lord over his family, to ensure the protection of his family. He had always talked about the greater good. He was a kind, generous, and devout Christian who believed that by answering to the call of the Lord, he was only performing his duty.

"You appreciate him, don't you?" Claire pressed on. "You are thankful?"

Thankful? Thankful for the painful ache in his chest? Or the unsettled stomach twisted into knots? Thankful for these strange feelings? Castiel couldn't bear the agony of being in a human. Every bullet wound, sword slice, and holy oil burn caused him to shrink back. But worse than that were the subtle twinges in the back of his throat when his breath caught or the clammy skin on his palms when he was scared or the fierce heartbeat against his ribs when he was near Harry. Being a spiritual entity, full of simple energy and power, Castiel knew how to be. But now, in this human form… How is he supposed to bear this humanity? Love has always been pure, kind and warm. Love is supposed to be happiness. It is supposed to be selfless. He was once so selfless. Now humanity was poisoning him. The nuances of cold hands, a dizzy mind, and an throbbing heart were pulling him away from what he had once been.

Was he thankful?

Jimmy would want him to be thankful…

"Yes," he replied. "I am thankful."

Claire nodded once, satisfied with his solemn answer. "I think you should go now." She blinked back her tears. "Don't come back."

"Claire-"

"Don't come back until you're Dad again, okay?"

Castiel forced down his guilt along with his words. He had once thought his life to be more precious than that of a single human, but how times have changed… He walked up to the blonde girl who was staring at her socks with determination. "I am thankful for you as well," he murmured gently. He stood before her. "You are very brave, Claire. Just like him."

She rocked forward without a word, pressing her damp cheek to her father's chest. "I miss you, Daddy," she whimpered. "I forgive you and I miss you, okay?" She closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. He was warm. He smelled the same. She pursed her lips to stifle her sobs. He would hate to see her cry. So she pulled back and brushed her cheeks dry. "Okay." She couldn't look up at him. His expression would be so cold in any case. She turned to pick up the ice-cream. "You should go now."

When she turned back around, she was alone in the kitchen.

Just after dawn, Harry tried to slip out of Ginny's bedroom before anyone woke up. Her playful kisses weren't helping him leave. With a foot out the door, he tried to evade her advances. "We'll get in trouble," he murmured.

"I don't care." She pulled the door wide open to illustrate her point and spun him against the doorjamb. "What's so bad about this?" She leaned into him suggestively.

"You're ridiculous." He extracted himself from her grip. "Get some sleep."

"I'll try." She winked at him before closing the door between them.

He managed to get into the guest bedroom without causing too much ruckus. In the dim light he could make out George fast asleep, rumbling snores erupting from the bed. He was most definitely happy to have spent wee hours of New Year's Day not having to sleep through that. He tiptoed to his side of the room, ready to simply fall into it for a couple of hours of rest before having to wake up to the loud clamor the Burrow seemed to fill with at eight in the morning.

Familiar rustling behind him made him turn around in shock.

"Whoa," he hissed at the angel who had surprised him. "What are you doing here? You can't be here."

"I couldn't think and I needed to-I need to speak to someone, but I didn't know who-"

Harry sighed in mild irritation while glancing over Castiel's shoulder at the occupied bed. "Let's go some place else." He snagged a sleeve and strode out the bedroom. The Burrow was filled to the brim. The only place he could think of to have a private conversation was- "Bathroom." He pulled Castiel into the adjacent bathroom and shut the door once both of them were inside. He cast a Silencing Charm as well, just in case. "Look, you can't just barge into my family's home like this." He stowed his wand before turning to meet Castiel's eye. "I invited you into my home, but you don't have permission to enter any place else just to meet me, okay?"

Castiel was too busy looking about the curious room to answer properly. "Why are we in here?" He frowned at the odd-looking brass taps by the sink. One of them was leaking blue sludge onto the cracked porcelain basin.

"You wanted to talk, didn't you?" Harry muttered.

"Yes, but not in here."

"Then where? You want to talk in front of George?"

"… No."

"Well, here's our next best option." Harry sat down on the edge of the claw-foot bathtub tiredly. "What's wrong?"

Castiel was resigned to converse in a bathroom upon hearing that. He closed the lid to the toilet and sat on it gingerly. "You are very kind."

Harry couldn't help but soften at the blasé comment. "Thanks." He studied Castiel's demeanor, noting the angel's unusual stillness and carefully avoiding gaze. "Did something happen, Castiel?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I don't."

"Mhm." He rested his arms on his knees and leaned forward. "So we're in the bathroom so that you can figure out what happened?"

Castiel nodded. "Will you help me?"

Harry rolled his eyes. Not as if he had better things to do with his time. Like sleep, perhaps. "Sure," he said, stifling a yawn behind his hand. "Start somewhere. We'll figure it out."

"Jimmy Novak."

"Never heard of him."

"I know you have never heard about him. Jimmy is from Pontiac, Illinois. He is devout, loyal to the Lord. He is married to Amelia and they have a daughter together. Claire. They are the most important parts of his life. He will do anything to protect them because he loves them dearly. He has done everything to protect them. He has sacrificed that life for the Lord."

Harry was sitting up straighter than before, listening to every heavy word.

Castiel clasped his hands together on his lap. "Does that make me bad?" he mumbled. From Amelia and Claire's perspective, he must be the most evil entity they knew of. "This is his body… His soul is trapped under me. Does that make me bad?"

"What?" Harry faltered.

Castiel had needed to communicate with Dean. He had to stop Lucifer, help Michael, save what he had thought was pure, even at the expense of human lives. "Mortals cannot perceive my true form. I asked Jimmy and he agreed to let me use him, to be my vessel. But I never realized then what I was asking of him. There was so much to lose, and yet…" He trailed off.

"Castiel-"

"I spoke with Claire tonight. She says… She said she forgives him. That she forgives him for choosing the Lord over his family. For choosing his love for God over the love he had for his own daughter." Castiel quickly shook his head. "No, that is… Maybe to him it is the same kind of love. By loving God and having faith in Him, Jimmy has shown love for Claire." He finally looked up at Harry. "Do you think so?"

Harry didn't know what to say. His eyes were wide and his skin pale.

"I am glad for him, Harry," Castiel continued. "Without him, I wouldn't be able to protect the people I have come to care about. I wouldn't be able to protect Dean or Sam… or you." He pressed a hand to his heart. "It hurts here. When I think of these things, it hurts and I just… I didn't know what to do. I had to talk to someone and you-You always listen to my confessions." He could never speak like this to the angels in his garrison. He would be ostracized. "When I first left Jimmy's body, I had vowed to only serve God. Not Man. But every time I return to my vessel, I find myself dragged deeper into humanity. Do you remember, Harry? About free will?"

"I… I remember."

"Maybe this is free will? Maybe doubting my actions and motives, doubting my own Father, maybe it is free will. It weakens me." Castiel rubbed his heavy eyes. "I am forgetting what it is to be an angel."

"Castiel?"

"Yes?"

"You're talking a lot," Harry hesitated.

Castiel was suddenly ever so glad that he had gathered up the courage for this. "No one listens but you." He wouldn't have it any other way. "You are one of a kind, Mr. Potter."

Time dwindled on and they remained in the cramped bathroom, quietly speaking and listening. Castiel wanted Harry to understand. Harry was eager to understand. The combination made for good conversation.

"What do you look like?" Harry wanted to know.

"Nothing you could perceive. Seeing the true image of an angel will cause death."

"Oh."

Castiel gestured at himself. "That is the reason I require a willing vessel. Unlike demons, angels cannot possess an individual without expressed consent. Even then, not all humans are strong enough to contain us."

"Jimmy gave you permission," Harry reasoned. "But you still feel guilty?"

"He allows me to possess him because of the protection that provides for his family," Castiel explained. "Protection he wouldn't have needed if I hadn't asked for him in the first place."

"Your arguments are very circular and irritating."

"All of life is rather circular."

Harry narrowed his eyes in disdain. "I won't be able to convince you otherwise, so I'm not even going to bother." He felt about ready to just drop like a stone and sleep a whole day away. "Are you feeling better now?"

"Yes. Thank you."

"Good. Because I feel like hell." He struggled up to his feet. "Now I'm going to bed and you can disappear off to do whatever it is that you do with your precious hunting brothers."

Castiel stood up as well. "They won't let me hunt."

"Oh?"

"They say I'm too distracted."

Harry chuckled. "I guess now you could use that help I had offered earlier, huh?" He opened the door. "Or am I still forbidden from hunting?"

Castiel pushed the door shut.

Harry twisted around in surprise. "What?"

"You are helping," Castiel said sincerely. "You are helping more than you know. We're even, aren't we? You don't have to feel obligated anymore."

"Um… Okay?"

His courage wavered for a split second. He caught hold of it again before it feld though. Mimicking Claire, he rocked forward and rested his cheek on Harry's shoulder, eyes shut tight.

Harry brought his arms up on instinct, wrapping them around the angel. "I don't feel obligated," he insisted. "Don't worry."

Castiel wasn't worried. There was nothing to worry about. "You have a lot of love in you," he whispered. "Perhaps that is what makes you strong."

"If you say so."

He pulled away a moment later. He wasn't used to hugs unless they came from Dean. Harry hugged differently. It was nice. He stepped back. "You should sleep."

Harry snorted. "Thanks." He reached behind him to pull the door open. "Must be nice not needing to sleep." He could get so much done if he was like Castiel. "Anyway," he stepped out into the corridor, "Happy New Year."

He was tugged back through the doorway without warning.

Next thing he knew, he was swept up in a muddled kiss.

Demanding fingers through his hair, hot breath against his skin, flighty lips, a shaky whisper…

And he was let go with almost as much fierceness as he had been pulled near.

Castiel had an unconscious smile on him. His courage was reckless. He hadn't realized… He disappeared silently, right in front of Harry's shocked eyes.

"GUYS! YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HARRY'S DOING!"

He spun around in fright with a hand clutched at his heart.

"Oh shit," he breathed when he found Ginny gawking at him and George behind her, running down the corridor.

"HE'S SNOGGING SOMEONE! IN THE BATHROOM!"

The Burrow was jolted awake that way on New Year's morning. George was banging on every door he could reach while cackling and evading Harry's attempts to stop him. Groggy faces appeared in the hallway, wiping sleep out of their eyes and frowning at the ruckus. "Snogging someone?" Murmurs of wonder were added to excessive yawning as a handful of Weasleys watched Harry tackle George to the ground with a flying leap at long last and wrestle a hand onto his mouth to shut him up. This was a daily routine, nothing to bat an eye at.

"I swear to Merlin I'll hex your tongue out."

"Mph grmph mrgh!"

Fleur shook her head at her husband, muttering, "Zis is why I vant to sleep in my own bed." Bill chuckled at her grumpy complaint.

"Who's he snogged?!" Charlie asked excitedly. Any scandal involving Harry was great fun to gossip about. He crouched down in front of the fumbling men. "Kissy kissy, Potter?"

"None of your business," Harry growled through bared teeth.

"Like children," Hermione sighed while watching from the doorway. Ron was still in bed and really not in the mood for loud noises this early in the morning. He had burrowed his head under the pillows in an attempt to dull his pounding alcohol-induced migraine.