Real Man

Chapter 26: A Real Man

"HAHAHAHA!" Tsunade laughed after throwing her head back. 

Jiraiya frowned despite the relative joy of this reunion. He didn't think the old man's belief that Orochimaru currently runs around as Zabuza Momochi deserved that reaction. Some concern for his well being, sure, but outright head thrown back mirth pushed the envelope of decency in a way the Toad Sage doesn't enjoy. 

"Oh don't be so sour, I'm not laughing about the old man losing his mind." Tsunade wiped some tears from the corners of her eyes, "I'm laughing at the idea that Orochimaru told me he can't look at me without wanting to glaze my face." 

"Say what now?" Jiraiya frowned as his eyes widened and he too imagined the Slug Princess sporting a fresh coat of his nut-paint. 

Not an unusual state of mind for him when in her company, and more often than not a major contributor to his hospital bills. 

"That's why I came back, Jiraiya." Tsunade explained as the two of them sat in the dusty Senju compound, splitting a bottle of sealed away wine, "I… lost a fight. Badly." 

"To Orochimaru?" Jiraiya tried to puzzle out her meaning from his limited information pool. 

Maybe he should have let her talk before explaining the current crisis in the village. 

"No, to that beefy dick head, Zabuza." Tsunade's fist clenched, but she worked hard not to smash the saucer held within, "Do you have any idea how it feels to get slapped around by a damn journeyman shinobi?" 

"Technically he's the Mizukage." Jiraiya offered a salve to her obviously bruised ego.

"Technically the Bingo Book says that a year ago he was some journeyman can crusher on the run." Tsunade spat, "Have I really fallen so low, that any journeyman can train for a year and beat me like a misbehaving child? Don't fucking answer that!" 

"I wasn't going to." Jiraiya assured her with both hands in the air.

"But you were thinking it." she scowled at him, "I could see it in your eyes." 

"Don't sell yourself short, princess." Jiraiya turned up the charisma with a smile, "It took twenty years of booze and gambling to bring you down, and Zabuza was always one hell of a can crusher." 

"He's no can crusher anymore." Tsunade clenched her jaw in remembrance, "He brought up Hanzo, and as much as I hate to admit it, when he started really opening up on me, I could see it. The boundless chakra, impeccable control, physical supremacy. He's supposed to be a swordsman but he completely shut down my taijutsu with just slap-boxing. It was humiliating like nothing I've ever experienced, but it lit a fire under my ass that I haven't felt since… I don't even remember when I last felt like this, maybe when I was a girl, training with the old man. That drive to surpass someone."

"He seems to bring that out in people." Jiraiya chuckled softly, "The old man and I have been training the last few weeks. Hard. He feels that fire too." 

"Hiruzen? Training at his age?" Tsunade chuckled as well. 

"Mhm." Jiraiya nodded the pair both nostalgic and hopeful at once," He wants to be in the best fighting shape he can get to before the Finals, and with you here I know we can push it even farther." 

"Good. I need to train too." Tsunade took Jiraiya's hand in hers, shocking the old pervert who looked down on the lewd act while blushing heavily.

"Tsunade I-I-I-" he stammered, finding it hard to lock eyes with her all of a sudden. 

"I need you to help me not just get back into form, but to push even further." Tsunade told him, not sharing that same flush despite the growing content of high quality liquor in her bloodstream, "We'll work together, and we'll catch Orochimaru and bring him back into the fold." 

"Back into the fold?" Jiraiya's fluster ended with a deep frown, "Tsunade, I want to bring him back so justice can finally be served, not so he can come back and act like nothing has happened." 

"Screw justice." Tsunade dismissed, "If we can convince Orochi to about face, the old man will welcome him back like a long lost son." 

"Why would we even want that?" Jiraiya asked in confusion.

"To kick Zabuza Momochi's ass." Tsunade smiled widely and maliciously.

-Meanwhile with Naruto-

Konoha's number one knuckle head ninja watched in awe as his clones successfully boxed in one of Ebisu's clones using what the closet pervert referred to as 'Basic Shinobi Tactics'. Though at first Naruto felt betrayed when Kakashi Sensei abandoned him and Sakura to train the emo for his unearned spot in the Chunin Exam Finals, after they worked out their differences it turned out that the Special Jonin actually kicks major butt as a teacher. In the one month break between the Prelims and the Finals, the sunglasses wearing dork really helped his energetic attention deficit student learn how to land his heavy hands on people a whole lot better. 

More than that though, Ebisu taught Naruto's first Jutsu since learning the Multi Shadow Clone: the Fire Release: Fire Dragon Bullet. It's considered a 'basic' fire jutsu and Naruto didn't get why they called it a bullet when it comes out as a stream of fire, but Ebisu chose it with Naruto's massive chakra reserves in mind as the technique has a very high chakra input ceiling being useful from genin rank all the way to Hokage, with more chakra shoved into the technique producing more fire. Since the boy possessed so much of the potent energy in his body, he could easily produce massive streams of fire even after splitting his chakra with over a hundred clones, and all those clones could do the same. 

After Naruto learned the Fire Dragon Bullet, Ebisu taught him how to use it to box in opponents with his clones, positioning each so that their streams of fire give the enemy no chance to escape unburnt. Though the man couldn't make nearly as many clones as Naruto at once, he still knew the Shadow Clone Jutsu, and allowed his clones to serve as hostile targets for his student's clones. Here Naruto came to know about Shadow Clone feedback, as all the practice his clones got with the Fire Dragon Bullet and with tactics came back to him when they dispersed so long as they didn't use all the chakra that made them launching jutsu of their own. During the two weeks they worked on this drill, Naruto grew by leaps and bounds. 

They only performed that kind of training for two hours a day for the last two weeks, but Ebisu explained that for Naruto it was like he had trained that drill for nearly seventeen weeks worth of time. And no, Naruto didn't cry when his temporary Sensei said that with that kind of advantage in training time, it was only a matter of time and teaching for him to achieve his goal of becoming Hokage. He just had some chili oil stuck to his hands and wiped sweat off his face without realizing the danger. 

He just wished that Ebisu sensei was someone he could respect completely. 

"Are you sure we have to do this again?" Naruto asked at the end of his day of instruction. 

"Don't look down on your Sensei, Naruto." Ebisu growled as she sat with legs crossed on the ground, his back rounded and his elbows flared for maximum grit, "I too have dreams, and need to work diligently to achieve them. Now… HIT ME WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE!" 

"Okay, Pervy Sensei!" Naruto yelled and his army of Shadow Clones shouted, "Transform!" 

From an explosion of came an army of naked women with blonde hair pulled into two long tails on the sides of their heads. They cooed and caressed the seated special jonin. Ebisu snorted out great gouts of air with each breath as he sought to control his rising blood pressure. He held out longer each day but soon enough two powerful jets of blood erupted from his nose, sending the young man flying through the air. 

One of the 'Narukos' caught him and laid him down on his back. 

"You did much better today." Naruto shouted after he dismissed his clones and transformation. 

"Don't patronize me!" Ebisu cried out, "I know I am still so far away from my dream!" 

"Hey, um, what exactly is your dream supposed to be?" Naruto sheepishly asked while rubbing the back of his neck. 

"My dream?" Ebisu spoke softly, but then shouted with great intensity, "Is to be a harem king!" 

Naruto's face pulled into a twisted expression of disgust, an open mouth frown with curled lips and a furrowed brow. 

"You serious?" he scornfully asked. 

"Of course!" Ebisu announced proudly rising up on shaking limbs as the blood flowed down his face, "Don't underestimate me! I am an elite teacher of the shinobi arts, I make a lot of money! On top of that I have great hygiene and a toned physique! All of this I do… so that girls will like me!" 

"Yeah, but girls liking you and being a 'harem king' are two different things." Naruto tried to guide his perverted sensei down the right path of abstinence until marriage and monogamy. 

"You don't get it, Naruto." Ebisu frowned, not in disappointment with the boy, but with dissatisfaction with the world, "You're still an innocent kid, and one with a bright future. You haven't hit the roadblocks regular adults reach. You haven't seen the results of your training diminish despite doing everything right. Heck, you're still trying to figure out how to train correctly. You don't know what it feels like to do six hours of training an get five hours of result, then four, then two… eventually you get to the point when you don't even really see any results anymore. I pray you never reach the end of your talent Naruto, and realize that you came up short." 

Naruto didn't cry hearing his temporary sensei bare his soul, he just forgot about the chili oil again. 

"The world of adults isn't that different from the world of kids, we are still all chasing status, still trying to be the coolest kid in class, the only difference is that we adults know what really denotes the status of a man. Power, money, and women. I've built my skills, I've padded my wallet, but I'm still a joke, Naruto. People laugh at me, and think I'm a loser. Like I'm a comic relief character in the story of my own life. That's why my dream is to become a harem king! I'll never be the richest man in the village, or the most powerful, but if I hold down a stable of hotties then everyone will finally think I'm cool and care about what I say!" Ebisu said every word with a rousing sincerity in his voice. 

"Ebisu Sensei…" Naruto frowned with his fist clenched, then he threw a big uppercut that sent the older ninja flying, "THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WHOLE LOT OF LOSER TALK!" Naruto walked over to his stunned sensei and stood over him, looking down on the man both literally and emotionally, "We all want people to notice us, and respect us, but what you described… IS SO SHALLOW!" Naruto clenched his fist again, thinking of the man he respects most, some might think its the Old Man Hokage, but it isn't, his mind filled with the image of a humble chunin with a scar over his nose, a man with a passion for teaching and a brave heart, "Anyone who only likes you because of the things you have… doesn't like the real you. They only like your stuff. The real measure of a man… is in what he says and what he does. And talking about women like they are things to possess, like-like toys! Like a stupid boy bragging about his stupid toys! Don't you see how that makes you less of a man! It makes you a boy… who never grew up. You're a man-boy sensei, and you need to change your heart or you will never be a real man!" 

Ebisu got up and looked down at Naruto. 

"Your words…" Ebisu began, then hit Naruto with an overhand right that sent the boy skipping across the ground like a rock over a pond, "Don't excuse sucker punching me!" 

-meanwhile in a fancy restaurant-

I sensed Kushimaru's eyes on me behind her hunter nin mask. 

"You want something, bitch? Say something or get back to work." I asked before finishing the next course of our cha-kaiseki dinner. 

Kushimaru didn't say anything and went back to scanning the room as just another layer of Hirohito's bodyguard detail. The man had my entire stock of Seven Swordsman slaves protecting him during this trip, only Chojuro remaining behind with Mei, and Mangetsu took his sword so I don't even count him as a real Swordsman yet. Kid's got real potential to reach jobber-kage level by the time we get to Boruto. Chronologically, not narratively. As a story driven universe, kids like Boruto and Sarada have an increased likelihood of existing, but both parents have to live long enough for that to happen, and get together too. Neither of those things I can guarantee, or even want too. 

"Warrior concubines…" Hirohito chuckled as he picked up another piece of meat from the Shiizakana dish, "It never ceases to amuse me." 

"Beats the hell out of politician concubines." I shrugged and enjoyed a rich explosion of flavor from fatty beef with egg yolk and rice. 

"I wouldn't know." Hirohito smiled and knocked back another saucer of sake, "All mine are imported." 

This guy really has it all.

"Enough about women." I declared with a flick of my chopsticks, "I'm just happy we are almost done with this trip to Konoha." 

"Oh, did you finally have your fill of titty meat?" Hirohito laughed softly as one of his poured him another drink. 

"I found this month adrift in a sea of liquor and whores, fried chicken and dope, excellent, but I'm ready to get back to work." words I never thought I'd ever say.

"I hope you aren't too burnt out, we still have the return trip to get through." Hirohito smirked and I gave him a lazy smile back. 

"Don't worry, Hirohito, I won't falter in my duty to the people of this world." I ran my tongue over my sharp teeth, "I owe it to the people of this world who prop up this system I'm on top of to breed. To spread as much powerful blood into the world as possible so that we can stand up and fight when the aliens come." 

Hirohito threw his head back with laughter, telling me 'You're so funny, Zabuza!' Little did he know, the aliens are coming. Like Dragon Ball Z but with less charm. I will not tolerate those cut rate villains running amok in my human farm. 

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