Chapter 9.4

The first night spent in my room after being locked up was terrible: I cried and screamed for hours.

At some point I tried writing something for the diary as Keira had insistently advised me, but I soon found myself tearing out the pages I hated. And I hated a lot of them.

I also spent hours looking for a way to hurt myself, like a sharp object or something to break open the windows which were not only closed, but had wooden planks attached to prevent me from breaking any glass! I yelled at whoever was outside the room to open up before I choke using sheets, or something, but every time I pounded on the door, they only responded with thumps that countered mine. In those hours of madness and despair, there was no room for anything but terror, depression and self-destruction.

It was true that I could have created a noose with the sheets, but perhaps Keira's words had been able to leave a trace inside me: I felt the immense need to be close to Zeyana, to be able to look after her as she had always done with me even without showing it. In those days spent thinking and writing, I understood I should try to do something for her before I left, but I had no more magic to help her heal faster and without magic, when she woke up, I knew she would no longer have found a utility in me; I should have left the palace... maybe also the whole country of the living.

Several times I wondered if Zeyana would have chosen to keep me by her side anyway, even without my powers... she had said she loved me.

I don't know how many nights passed before I was able to leave the room they had locked me in, but I clearly remembered the feeling of relief I felt when they let me see Zeyana. I had immediately rushed to her side when Keira had shown me to her rooms.

"Zey..."

I had spent hours watching her and imagining what she would tell me or what I might tell her. Sometimes I'd attempted apology monologues to her, then preferred to write them in her diary, believing they would come in handy when she woke up. The doctors had said it was a bad wound, but not lethal.

"Alex let's go, you need to rest too..."

At night I always hoped they'd let me stay by her side, but the guards still feared I'd hurt her, and Keira could do nothing to convince them otherwise. They had the right to be hostile towards me, I deserved it.

After days of being consumed by guilt over my failures, and planning my own death, suddenly the voice that tormented me became silent; I was convinced that it was Zeyana's closeness that protected me from my demons, but the silence didn't last very long and after the tenth day since I woke up, in the middle of one evening, the voice came back for me and dragged me into a deep and cold abyss. Zey probably felt that way too when she stabbed herself to save me.

"Zeyana's condition has worsened...the doctors don't know if she will recover but they're doing their best to help her."

The night Keira had come to my room to tell me what had happened, I had been silent for hours, unable to digest what she had said. Keira wanted to stay by my side to make sure I didn't face the possibility of Zeyana dying alone...because of me...but I put on a perfect mask, reassured her, made her leave, took the opportunity to ask the deities to accept the my sacrifice to save the empress.

Keira had gone off to get me some food, even though nausea had kept me from eating for days, and when she returned she had yelled something and called the guards as soon as she laid eyes on me. I had lost consciousness, even though my attempt was to lose it forever and not just for a few hours.

I had failed that time too.

I had written a long page in the red diary that Keira had given me, then I had approached the bed, slipping my arm under the mattress and pulling out the blade that I had managed to steal from one of the guards during the walks through the building, on from my room to the rooms of the empress.

It was a small dagger, but it would do its job.

I had sat in the middle of the room next to the red diary and looking at the ceiling, I had cut both my wrists letting the blade infiltrate my flesh slowly, so that it hurt more. Blood had splattered on the white dress I was wearing that night, the same one Zeyana had loved so much in the past. She said I looked like a divine being but I was far from it.

Among the blurred memories of the umpteenth attempt to hurt me inside the imperial walls, I remember lying down on the floor and having also brought the dagger close to my throat: "I give my life to her... save her... please ... my existence doesn't matter... I would do anything to fix it" I whispered these words while I cut my throat with the blade and my lips continued to formulate nonsense words for the rest of the time. Of course, I couldn't bring myself to kill myself because Keira had returned early from her trip to the palace kitchens.

They had stitched up my wounds, put me to bed, stared at me for hours to make sure I did nothing but rest between my sheets, then they had argued, yelled but I hadn't paid attention to what the guards had said to each other, especially what Keira had said. I only remember facing her back from the last few days before Zeyana's awakening, but they were different days for me too and not entirely negative. Her voice had stopped tormenting me and there was only an immense void left to inhabit my chest and my mind, even if Keira's presence had prevented me from noticing that change at first. In fact, she had spent whole days talking to me about what she had seen and faced during the war expeditions or about the sufferings she suffered during the years of his growth, such as the death of her beloved uncle and that of her childhood friend who fell ill due to a epidemic that had hit him at the start of the year. Each night before leaving the room, Keira would take the diary, which had been cleaned of my blood, and place it on the bedside table. She told me that I could call her anytime and that she didn't care if it was late at night or if she hadn't slept: she just wanted to help me.

Going back to the diary, I found myself thinking about Fiamma and what she said to me. I also realized that I had never discussed Zeyana, almost as if I feared the confrontation with my feelings. It could have made me give up on my mission... I couldn't have permitted it.

"I've always believed she was an elf princess, straight out of one of those fairy tales that circulated in Clevwood. She has the ocean in her eyes... I wonder if she realizes the effect she has on others, but I think she does, we're talking about Zeyana after all. When the sun's rays dance on it, her hair shines brighter than the water. I think her beauty is also inherited from her mother. Zeyana never talks about her parents and I understand that, even though I'm curious..."

So I began to write pages and pages about the empress and about what I had experienced by her side: I wrote about our memories together, about our adventures, our quarrels, about the sadness of her absence when she left to resolve conflicts and above all I dealt with what I had denied until then; I was looking for security and stability in Zeyana that I had never found in anyone else since I lost my family. In her arms I was always able to sleep, her hands were able to bring instant comfort to me.

"I couldn't tell you otherwise. if I could, I would have lost myself in your arms every night. I wanted to kiss your lips, be touched by your white hands, rub our warm skin, admire you when you're naked and make you endless compliments, wake up in the morning next to you and stay in your bed to continue to burn of passion for you. I'm a real sinner when it comes to lust, Zey, but my greed scared me to the point of choosing the worst path for the two of us: that of distance, coldness and regret. I didn't have to think about what I felt otherwise it would become too real for me too. As real as my betrayal to you: I had to leave everything behind once the ritual had been complete... but it's all lost now... it doesn't make sense."

Many times I couldn't even write, because I lost myself in memories of the past, but they were moments I cared about: they freed me from the usual anguish and frustration even if for a short time.

Even the walks with Keira had proved useful in curbing the nagging voice that said she only wanted the worst for me: on the days when she saw me calmer, she decided to take me to the streets of the Riviera, to show me the stalls and traders who came from all over the empire to sell in the capital; one of these days we wandered near the outskirts, right in the area where I had first met Fiamma

and to my great surprise, I found her in exactly the same place as she used to be, selling her mysterious concoctions.

I was afraid she'd push me away again, but she smiled at me and invited Keira and me to come with her to her inn; Keira too, when she saw the Mead House, asked me why it wasn't frequented, but she didn't dare ask Fiamma, too busy admiring her beauty to be able to do it. The soldier didn't even notice my conversations with the woman with the amber eyes and I took the opportunity to find out what had changed between us, if I could finally see her again and if she had forgiven me.

"Alex, I know you're scared, but it hasn't left you." Her words were enigmatic just as I'd expected, but I could feel their meaning on my skin as a light wind entered the inn to caress me and when I finally heard a whisper, however faint, from Nature. My beloved nature. I thought I had lost forever that gift that I had despised at first and that now I could never do without it.

"Fiamma, I don't know what to do now..."

I had grabbed her hand, but like everyone else she had rejected me and at the time I wouldn't have been able to understand how much it was important for me to face this suffering alone. Fiamma promised me that we'd get good news very soon to talk about, even though I didn't understand what she meant.

Perhaps one of the things that slowly helped me regain control of myself and my mind was the return of my powers, gradual as it was. It had started with the whispers of the surrounding vegetation and the perception of the magic in the air, giving me the freedom to breathe like I hadn't in weeks; finally that pressure I felt in my chest had left me, that anxiety that prevented me from leaving my bed, for fear of meeting other monsters outside, as if the ones that lived in the room where I slept weren't already enough.

At least if I regained my powers, I could give myself to Zeyana without several conditions. I could have asked her to choose what to do with my life, whether I deserved her death at her hands or torture, punishment for the grave mistake I'd made. Although talking to Keira and writing in her journal had helped me during those days, I still felt the need to pay for what I had done, I still felt guilty. I had to suffer and still couldn't address the concept of death without believing it was wrong for me to still be alive.

Did I want to go on living? Was it fair to my family to do so? And towards Zeyana?

Before then those questions would never have crossed my mind and thanks to the presence of the female soldier and the return of Fiamma, I could finally think more calmly.

The day before Zeyana woke up, I could say that I had found a certain balance in my days: I slept more hours than before, I ate something every once in a while, especially when Keira forced me to have lunch or dinner with her, and I had also started talking to other people, whether they were somewhat hostile guards or the staff of the imperial palace. The female soldier had offered to help them when I could, so I found myself following them in their duties when they allowed me, especially if it concerned the empress. This way I was able to see her every day and take care of her. She made me feel good.

"What will you say to the empress when she wakes up? I know this is hard for you, so I thought it might be a good idea to write her a letter. You could try to communicate what you feel and think in this way."

I looked at Keira, took a sip of water and considered her proposal, then nodded without saying anything, thinking it was for the best. I knew it would be too difficult to deal with her immediately after what had happened and the idea of writing it down rather than saying it aloud would allow me to better organize my thoughts.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Keira smiled looking at the immense garden of the imperial palace and my eyes followed that vision colored by the flowers and stopped on the oak tree which was slowly but surely regaining strength. It was yet another sign I should have listened to: I still had something to do, I still had time.

I could only hope I wasn't wrong this time too.