Side A - 1

It was summer that day. The day I 1st saw him.

With locks of dark hair and eyes that sparkled like the blue blue sky, I lost myself. I knew I loved him that 1st moment.

I knew my life would be incomplete without him.

Who are was this beautiful person?

I was overcome with the desire to know him.

I needed to know who he was, where he lived, how old he was, his hobbies, etc. I needed to know everything about him, my mind was filled with these questions until they were my only thoughts.

I snapped a picture with my phone, capturing his figure as he sat alone on a park bench overlooking the beach and sunset. His gaze on the horizon, lost in his thoughts.

My heart skipped a beat as I continued to stare at him, mesmerized. I shifted from the bench I sat on carefully, as if afraid to make a sound that would disturb the scenery before me, and crouched behind some bushes to peek through the greenery.

I wasn't close enough to him but I was afraid to approach as well.

Time passed like this until darkness soon painted the sky with twinkling stars.

He began to stand up and it took all my willpower to not come out to stop him from leaving.

Instead I followed after him in a safe, unassuming distance. There were people walking around the park so it was easy for me to blend in, my eyes still trailed onto his figure. His back was broad and his legs long so he walked quicker than my shorter form. I barely managed to keep up as I didn't want to run and draw attention to myself.

Sadly, I lost him soon after. Panicked, I tried going up and down the streets but found no trace of him or where he'd gone. I wanted to cry but willed the tears away. My mind whirled.

He wore my school's uniform. The familiar dark brown jacket and black pants that were required for the boy's in my school. If I worked hard, I'd find him there. I just needed to wait until tomorrow.

I comforted myself with this thought and headed to my house.

Ignoring the yells that permeated through the walls, I lay down on my worn bed and gazed at his picture on my phone.

I lost track of time as I stared. I could almost touch him if I reached past the screen.

My outstretched fingers hit the cold, hard glass and I was overcome with a sense of loss.

This photo wasn't enough. I want to see him in person. The heavy feeling in my chest fuelled my vigour.

Tomorrow. I'll definitely find him tomorrow.

I placed the phone to my chest and curled onto the bed, waiting for sleep to take me away.

Yang. That was his name.

He was a year above me and sat close to the back of his classroom.

I walked past his room leisurely and took a discreet peek inside, making sure my face only showed indifference.

When I saw him in the back, sitting down like a hidden rose in a field of daisies, I internally shook in glee barely restraining myself from charging forward to take a closer look at him.

It was lunch break then so he soon stood and walked out the room, passing by my intentionally slow gait. I stealthily followed a few paces away.

He climbed up instead of down to the cafeteria and so deep in my love crazed psyche was I that I didn't question this fact.

Even his walk was pretty, his back straight but his shoulders relaxed.

So cool! What does his face look like right now? I can only see his back but it wasn't enough. When he settles down, I'll make sure to hide somewhere I can see his face.

I want to take pictures. Pictures weren't enough but it'll help me when I get home where I can't see him.

I'll have to find his house as well.

I wonder what his house looks like? Does he live alone? With his parents? I wonder what he looks like in normal clothes? The uniform looks so good on him but maybe normal clothes will look better.

No! Anything he wears looks good, it doesn't matter what he's wearing.

He entered the door to the roof and it closed with a soft clack. I wanted to follow him immediately but knew he'll notice the door opening again if I come in.

I can't let him find out I was following him.

I counted up to 10 silently, the numbers going slower than I wanted until I was basically rushing through them.

I carefully opened the door and scanned the roof, not seeing him in sight.

The roof was designed with the door in one corner so every side could be seen from the door when one entered.

Where did he go? Did he go out again? Did I lose him?

I walked forward with light steps then Thud! I jumped in fear after hearing something land behind me.

I turned in panic, seeing him crouching low before easily standing back to his height again.

He stared down at me with unreadable eyes and I blushed.

I couldn't meet his gaze and looked down at my feet, clutching my phone between my hands in front of me.

I wanted to stare at him since he was standing so close but I couldn't find it in myself to do so. My heart was beating loudly in my chest and I was frozen in place.

"Who are you?"

The voice made my insides melt. Deep like a cello with a husky end tone as if he was whispering to your ear. Even his voice was dreamy! I wanted to drown in it. So beautiful! So perfect!

The urge to look up sprung forth again and I weakly glanced at him from under my bangs. My hair obscured him slightly but took little away from how lovely he was.

I tore my gaze away again. Unable to withstand seeing him so close. He was like a bright heavenly light, your eyes get drawn to him but you're unable to look for too long. I wanted to take a picture of him but I couldn't lift my hands to do my bidding. Nevermind the fact that that would be inappropriate when he was looking right at me.

"Who are you?" he shifted as he repeated his question and my brain realized that he was talking to me. I was so elated from hearing his voice for the 1st time that I didn't register the question.

"I-I'm... Yin. An underclassman" I stammered out.

I would've seen the flash of interest in his eyes if I was looking up but I was currently fixated on my white shoes. His was also white whilst it was half covered by dark pants. I wonder what his shoe size was?

"Why were you following me?"

I stiffened. Fear encasing my heart. I knew I was keeping a good distance away but he still found out. I hurriedly denied it.

"That-That's not true!" I looked up at him as I said so where I saw his expression was still unreadable, looking at me calmly.

I shivered, whether from the wind or his gaze, I didn't know. I lowered my eyes again to land on his tie and collar. His skin was pale but healthy-looking and silky smooth. I instantly wanted to touch it but suppressed the thought immediately.

"You weren't following me?"

"I wasn't"

He tilted his head slightly, I could still feel his steady eyes on me but I didn't dare look up to confirm. The slight movement made the hair on his nape shift, instantly attracting my attention.

His hair looks so glossy. I want to touch it. It must be as smooth as it looks. What will it feel like to run my hands through them?

I reeled in my thoughts again, hoping my cheeks weren't blushing but I couldn't bring my eyes to look away.

"Is that so. Alright then, Yin" he turned and swiftly walked out.

The door was already closing before I could even speak and with a low clack, he disappeared.

My heart felt torn at seeing his absence and I wanted to run to him but I couldn't will myself to move.

It was when the bell rung that I walked back to class and I wanted to walk by his classroom but knew it'll only make me late.

He knew that I was following him and although I should've stopped, I couldn't help myself. I just needed to be more careful. Yeah, careful. I'll make sure I was a bit farther away so he won't find me.

I observed him for weeks to come (at a distance). I made sure not to follow him to places that might not have any people in it like behind the school or the rooftop again.

I knew he always went to the park after school until it got dark then he went home.

I knew his house was an apartment in my neighborhood. I knew he lived alone. I knew he got along with everyone but he didn't have any close friends. He was quiet, he preferred being by himself. He liked honey milk tea and hated fish. He'd sometimes grab random fruit for dessert. He ate lunch in the cafeteria, sometimes alone, sometimes with his other classmates. He could take care of himself, his mother was overseas but I couldn't find anything on his father. He wasn't part of any clubs or social groups. He didn't have any obvious hobbies and seemed to only like to listen to music and read some books in his spare time. The scarce amount of times he left his house during the weekends aside from shopping for necessities was only to buy CDs and movies, sometimes a book. His music preferences ranged from rock to classic. His favorite band was Down with Vanity and he bought all their CDs.

His grades were a little above average and he had better scores in physical education and math but he had below average scores for sciences and history. The teachers didn't have any outstanding impressions of him aside from the fact that he didn't cause trouble and stayed quiet.

He was handsome but few girls admired him as he was aloof and silent with an unapproachable air causing him to become unnoticed by the female populace.

I found out all these and wrote them all down fervently in a small notebook that had a lock. I also pasted on random photos of him and the things he used or bought. I even kept a candy wrapping that slipped from his pocket before he went home from the park. I kept this notebook with me at all times, and would read through it from time to time to the point that the pages started to become worn.

It was a weekend today. I headed out before the sun rose and walked to a kiddie park close to his apartment. I was wearing a plain hoodie and jeans with a hat, looking discreet and unnoticeable.

I hid by a tree behind some tall bushes and with my binoculars, I stared at the door to his apartment. The building had open air hallways so you can see all the apartment doors on every floor. This spot was perfect as it gave me a clear view of his door and the street in front of it was where the apartment was so whenever he went out, I would see him exit the building. Nobody would see me from here too since I was covered by a tree and the tall bushes.

He would always come out when the sun rose to buy food for breakfast and lunch then come out after lunch time if he needed anything outside. If he didn't need to get anything, he'll stay home all day.

It was sad that I couldn't see into his room. When I tried observing the windows, since his room was so high up, I could only see a plain ceiling and white curtains.

When the sun rose, he came out and soon appeared on the street. He was wearing a plain green tee and jeans. Clothes I've seen him wear at least once or twice which means he had a sizable wardrobe.

His style was casual and comfortable, maybe a little plain. But since he was lean and tall, he looked like a model.

So gorgeous. You're so beautiful, Yang!

I didn't follow him since I knew he was only going to the supermarket which was 5 minutes away then he'll come back a few minutes after. The entire trip would last less than 30 minutes. If he went beyond 30 minutes, I'll worry and come after him but usually he would only be delayed due to long lines at the supermarket or because he stopped by the coffee shop.

Once I was almost caught in the market after knocking over a merchandise stand and he turned my way. Thankfully, I bolted before he saw me.

I munched on a cracker as I waited for his return.

Speaking of, Yang did look good in everything he wore. Even when he had dishevelled hair and clothes while answering random salespeople who knocked on his door. He would always smoothly turn them away without a change in expression.

He was so so cool! I felt proud every time the sales people walk away crestfallen. He was amazing!

Everything he did was amazing. When he just stood silently in gym. When he answered a teacher's question correctly or read a paragraph in class. When he accidentally picks out the wrong bread from the cafeteria and eats it anyway. When he listens to new music releases while checking the CD case at the store. When he walks to school while looking at his phone. When he sits silently next to the window as the wind blows his dark hair softly.

He's so handsome! So perfect like a photograph. I want to stare at him forever but sometimes I want to talk to him too or to touch him even with just my finger tips.

If only I didn't know that he'll be disgusted the moment I try to talk to him, I'd single mindedly try to get close to him no matter where he goes.

I want to be next to him so bad. If it was allowed, I'd handcuff myself to his side so I'll be there wherever he goes. Ah! My Yang! How I love you. How sad it is that you don't know how much I love you. How sad it is that I know you won't love me back.

But what if he did?

I quickly shook the thought away. No. No. Calm down, Yin.

Yang won't love you back. Be satisfied you get to see him everyday. Be happy he's always just a few steps away. You shouldn't wish for such things. Yang is an immortal, a God that shouldn't be sullied by your presence.

As I was deep in my musings, he reappeared by turning into his apartment's street. He was looking at his receipt while a plastic bag was on his other hand. He walked steadily without looking up and to me, it felt like he was walking on clouds as angels sung in the background.

Then the heavenly rain poured drenching him in splendour.

The droplets shining like diamonds around him further enhancing his brilliance.

He stopped abruptly and this knocked me from my fantasies. He was indeed drenched, his clothes sticking to his body and his hair dripping with water.

Yang! You're wet! You still look so beautiful but you might catch a cold... but I want to take a picture.

My hand took the photo before I could help myself as a middle aged woman suddenly appeared on the street with a gardening hose in hand, the water still running.

She was frantic, looking to be apologizing as Yang merely shook his head and said a few words, brushing his hair from his face with his hand.

The image of his hair brushed up carelessly made me snap a picture again as I sighed dreamily and my worried thoughts were pushed back.

The woman made a gesture as if to lead him to her house but he shook his head again whilst pointing to his apartment building.

He slipped away from the frantic woman and briskly walked home, she was still bowing as he left.

I soon saw him re-enter his house and the bubble of concern rose rapidly after his beautiful soaked form disappeared from sight. It was still early morning so it was slightly chilly. Was he going to be okay? He won't catch a cold right?

Yang didn't come out after that and I told myself that he was going to be okay. Yang was my idol God! He won't fall to illness so easily.

Sadly, I was wrong. He was absent the next day and I rushed out as soon as school ended.

I was in front of his apartment when I managed to think through my worry, stopping before I entered the building.

He might get angry and hate me if I suddenly appear. He doesn't even know me! But I can't sit still if he's really sick.

I pondered for a good hour, just standing outside his apartment while ignoring the looks people gave me as they passed.

Finally, I walked away and bought food, fruit, medicine and other items. I climbed up to his floor and set the bag down on his doorstep.

I wanted to ring the doorbell but hesitated. What if he catches me? What if I'm a bother? What if he's asleep?

I don't want to disturb him. I don't want him to think I'm troublesome. Should I just leave it in hopes he comes and picks it up when he goes out? What if somebody else takes it?

What shall I do?

Despite my fears, I rang the bell then prepared to sprint as fast as possible but the door suddenly opened before I could do so.

He stood there, dishevelled, a hint of redness on his cheeks and sweat was beading on his forehead. He looked haggard and weary.

He looked at my frozen form through droopy eyes then down at the plastic bag on his doorstep.

"Get in" he turned and walked back into the room.

My mind gave a start and as if on auto pilot, I quickly carried the plastic bag and slipped in before the door closed.

I stood rooted when I realized what I'd done and almost wanted to get out the door as quickly as I could but knowing that I was inside Yang's apartment kept me from leaving. Instead I wanted to explore more, I wanted to understand every nook and cranny of the place that housed him. The whole place smelled faintly like him.

I looked at the plain wooden floor and the kitchen on the side. I wanted to observe every single item on the counter but forced my gaze away as he continued to walk unsteadily further into the dimly lit space.

He turned around at seeing I wasn't following him and repressing my curiosity, I walked forward.

He stopped at a dark green sofa and sat down heavily, his eyes were cast to the ground, "Why are you here?"

His voice was hoarse but I felt that it didn't lose its dreamy quality even if he was sick. Actually, looking at him so weak and vulnerable made him look so cute. Like a forlorn portrait of a forest elf. I want to take a picture of him.

I snapped myself out of my daydreams and impulses, "I-I bought you food and medicine. I was worried when you didn't go to school and couldn't sit still knowing you might be sick" I hastily explained, my eyes roaming around the space but refusing to do so too much in case he noticed, even if his head was down

He sat back against the sofa, his head lying on the back rest at an almost 45 degree angle with his unreadable blue eyes turned to me, "How did you know I was sick?"

There was no suspicion in his voice, as if he was asking me if we had any homework but I paled visibly. I didn't dare meet his eyes

I struggled for an answer, "I... Well... Your classmates told me about it and-and your homeroom teacher told me your address"

There was silence. I didn't want to speak up and I was waiting for his anger or for him to say that I should leave.

I knew it. I shouldn't have come here. And now he was going to be disgusted and creeped out. I was concerned but I should've kept my distance. Yang already thinks I'm following him, isn't doing this proving that?

He'll ridicule me. He'll hate me.

What if he told everyone else?

After almost a minute as I drowned in these negative thoughts, he started coughing and I looked up at his form that was curled into itself, his mouth covering his hand.

Panicked, I approached to rub his back until the coughing subsided then he collapsed tiredly on the sofa, beads of sweat on his forehead.

Concern over taking my earlier fear and anxiety, I threw caution to the wind, "You need to rest. Have you eaten and taken your medicine?"

He shook his head and I grabbed the container from the plastic and went to the kitchen adjoining the living room, "I'm borrowing your stove to heat up some porridge for you"

I did my task quickly and soon the bowl was empty and he'd taken his medicine. I wiped the sweat off his forehead with a towel.

I placed it on the low table and stood up, "Do you have a blanket somewhere? Just tell me where it is and I'll-"

"No!"

He grabbed my hand as soon as I tried to reach for the door behind the sofa since I thought it was a closet.

I was stunned at his sudden movement and the grip on my hand was tight. I looked down at him in confusion but he turned away before I could see his expression

"The blankets are in there" his tone was calmer as he pointed at the door next to the one I wanted to open then dropped back onto the sofa, releasing my hand.

At the back of my mind, this same hand was what I used to rub his back as he coughed, I'm never washing this hand ever again.

When the blanket was found and placed over him, I sat on the floor and observed him.

He looked a little better than when I came which relieved me but it suddenly dawned on me that I was sitting in Yang's room and taking care of him.

My cheeks flamed with embarrassment and shyness. His eyes were closed so I stared at his delicate features without hesitation.

This' the 1st time I've been so close to him aside from our 1st meeting and I wanted to etch this image in my mind for the rest of my life. His messy hair, soft cheeks and fluttery lashes. He was so handsome. So beautiful. I wanted to stare at him forever.

Click.

Ops. I took a picture without thinking again and I quickly hid my phone for fear that he'll see it.

My blush burned to crimson as I forced myself to look away. The apartment was neat with minimal furniture. There was a few CDs and books in a corner of the room with his school bag. The TV was off and the curtains were drawn to let only a sliver of sunlight in.

The place felt very comfortable as I sat on the furry rug and absentmindedly skimmed the CD covers on the shelf under the TV.

During my few minutes of observation, the urge to get up and inspect everything closely was hard to suppress but I forced it down each time. Afraid to disturb him and get kicked out, I sat obediently as my eyes drunk in everything as much as it could.

Instead, I took my phone out a few times and snapped some pictures. I knew this was a once in a lifetime opportunity but I didn't take a lot and always looked up to make sure he was still asleep, each time I'd end up staring at him for a few minutes before snapping back out of it.

Yang is too handsome! I could stare at him for the rest of my life.

The sun began to set when I told myself I should leave. I really really REALLY didn't want to go but I didn't want him to wake up late at night and get him angry at me for overstaying.

This' enough. I'll be thankful I even got to set foot in this room and let alone managed to see him sleep up close but I shouldn't push my luck.

I steeled myself as my heart ached at parting with him. I wanted to cry as if he was leaving me forever and got up quickly but quietly in case my desire to stay overwhelmed me

I comforted myself that I'll be able to see him at school tomorrow anyway and my heartache eased a little.

A familiar hand grabbed me again, so quickly that I almost tripped.

"Where are you going?"

I looked down as the once peaceful sleeping face had become his usual expressionless appearance, not a sigh that indicated he had been asleep only moments ago

I blushed at seeing him and looked away, "I'm going home. It's getting late"

His eyes shifted to the darkened curtains then his hand dropped

"Lock the door on your way out" He closed his eyes again

"Okay"

I left his apartment and was in a daze as I trekked home. There was screaming coming from the living room but I didn't hear them as I climbed up to my room and locked the door.

I melted when I heard the click and an expression of pure bliss was on my face.

I spent the afternoon at Yang's room.

At Yang's room.

Yang's room.

I squealed in girlish delight, rolling around the floor while clutching a pillow to my chest.

His apartment smelled so nice and was so spacious. And was also so clean. And Yang was so handsome even though he was sick.

He ate the porridge and medicine I gave him and he slept so soundly like a baby. Even his sleeping face was so gorgeous!

Hearts were going everywhere as I tattooed his sleeping face into my mind, giggling like crazy and squealing every now and then.

He's so attractive. So handsome. I want to go again. But he won't agree if I asked... I shouldn't ask. Should I sneak in? Can I turn myself into a CD case so I can stay at his room forever? But then I'd have no eyes to see him. Awww. I wanna be with him. I wanna see and be with him everyday. Yang, how I love you so.

I took out my phone and stared at the photo of his sleeping face as I fell asleep with a smile on my face, contented.

Yang came to find me the next day and I wanted to squeal in happiness upon seeing him during lunch break.

I approached with a smile on my face, basking in his handsome and aloof features.

Probably because he didn't say he hated me or kicked me out yesterday that I felt much better meeting him face to face as compared to our 1st meeting.

"Are you better now?" He didn't look weary anymore and not a hair was out of place on his head

He nodded, then gestured for me to follow him. We ended up on the roof

"Thanks for taking care of me yesterday"

"No problem. I was happy to help" Super happy. Very happy. I'd do anything for you, Yang! Can you get sick again so I can visit and take care of you again? Wait. Bad Yin! Bad! Don't say such ominous things about my idol God.

"I wanted to give you something in return but I don't know what to get. Shall we go find something after school?"

I almost jumped in joy and the repression caused me to stammer, "S-Sure. Let's meet up at the gate" my face was hurting as I tried not to grin like a fool

Ah! Oh my god! I'm going out with him. Is this like a date? No, don't overthink this. I don't even care if it's not! I'm going out with Yang! I wanna jump and hug him!

He nodded then walked off, I even forgot to follow him as I usually do as I was overwhelmed with happiness.

I was happily skipping while singing merrily in my mind as I walked calmly next to him after school.

An easy going smile was plastered on my face as we reached a market street with various shops next to the road.

This was a dream come true. I was out with Yang and unlike before where I was hidden a distance away, I was actually standing right beside him. I could cry tears of joy if I didn't think he'll assume I'm a weirdo.

This' just to thank me for taking care of him but honestly, just getting to walk beside him for a few steps was enough as a thank you.

Ah. I wish this road never ended.

"How about here?" we stopped in front of a cute accessory shop and I glanced over with a smile. I didn't really care for anything in there as long as he was beside me but I nodded anyway

We browsed the items that ranged from keychains, pens, buttons, and other knick knacks. I tried to earnestly look through the store but I couldn't help but stare after him as he searched.

His expression remained calm and unreadable as if he held no interest in whatever was in front of him but would randomly reach out for items on the displays to take a closer look.

He was always so composed, detached. I've seen him give polite small smiles now and again but I've never seen him laugh. I wonder what will make Yang laugh. What does he find funny? What makes him want to cry? What makes him angry? Curious. So curious.

"Will this do?"

I snapped back from my thoughts and glanced at the keychain in his hand. I assessed it half heartedly

"I love it" I love anything you give me.

He turned away to have it checked out and I followed while looking at his back. Was the dark brown jacket always this beautiful? No. It was only beautiful on him. Anything he wore became 10 times more attractive on him. I want to steal that jacket now.

When I found my hands reaching out, I stopped myself and backed up a step.

My heart was pounding wildly. Phew. So close. Too close. I almost lost control.

I mustn't get too close or he'll avoid me. He'll hate me. I can't get too close. I can't get too close.

I chanted this in my head like a mantra until he turned around from talking to the cashier, a small pink paper bag in his hands.

"Let's go"

I nodded and followed him out, missing the confused look of the cashier.

I single mindedly followed him until we reached a coffee shop, snapping out of it when there was already a drink being handed over to me.

Oh no. Was I just staring at him without a care this whole time? Isn't that creepy? Did he notice?

I took it with both hands and looked at him over the rim as he sat down across me with his own drink. There wasn't anything amiss and I was relieved.

He didn't seem to notice. Good.

I'm slipping too much. I have to stay calm and not go overboard. He's just thanking me for taking care of him. I can't overstep, I can't think this means anything and I can't stare at him like an idiot.

Let's look somewhere else for now.

"Here"

He handed the pink paper bag over, snapping my gaze back to him and I beamed in excitement, remembering that he was giving me something I didn't quite see.

I took the bag in both hands as if it was treasure and carefully opened it. A small keychain sat in the bag and I took it out between 2 fingers, afraid my hands will tarnish it.

It was a finger sized keychain. A stuffed bear with fuzzy light brown fur and felt very soft to the touch.

"Thank you so much! I'll take good care of it" I'll place it on my bedside. No. Enshrine it. I'll have a special place on it on my table where I can see it everyday. No wait. That woman likes to go into my room. She might find it. I'll have to hide it somewhere when I'm at school.

"Hang it on your bag"

My eyes brightened at his suggestion. That's perfect! That way it'll be with me at school and I can keep it safe. As expected of my idol Yang, you're a genius!

I took my bag at my side and hooked it to one of my bag straps and it happily dangled there like it belonged. I wanted to enshrine my entire bag.

"Thanks again for the keychain" I kept my bag on my lap, afraid to put it out of my sight.

He nodded, his eyes on the accessory with an unreadable expression then looked away as he sipped his drink.

I took a sip of my drink as well and found that it was mocha. My eyes sparkled as I thanked him for this as well since mocha was my favorite and he nodded again without saying a word.

Time passed by slowly as I glanced at him occasionally but not excessively. I somehow wished I was hidden instead so I can stare at him without fear of getting caught but ultimately decided that sitting across him was better than being so far away. I couldn't see him but the fact that he was there made me very happy.

I fiddled with the bear at some points, the soft faux fur sliding smoothly against my thumb. Soon I was already giving it a name. I'll name it Beary but inside my heart I'll call it Yang as a reminder of him.

I blushed at the fact that I'll have 'Yang' go home with me today. I'll just call it Beary more often then.

When the sun set, I knew that I needed to go home. I was parting with Yang - the real one - again. This is the worst.

He got up wordlessly and I followed after, unable to suppress the pout on my face.

I wanna stay. I want to stay. Can't we stay? Please? I want to be with you!

Of course I didn't say these things and kept my head down.

So unfair. Why can't time stop? Why can't we stay there forever? Why do we have to be separated? I want to be with you, Yang! Why can't we just be together?

I calmed my mind down as these emotions raged within me. I tried as hard as I could so that they don't appear on my face. Thankfully, I was walking behind him so even if some things slipped, he won't see it. But I'll have to calm down before we reach his apartment.

Or else I might throw myself at him.

Relax, Yin. Relax.

"Would you like me to walk you home?"

"Huh? Ah. Yes. I mean No. I mean- Ugh"

He continued to look at me patiently as I tried to get my thoughts in order

I shook my head, "No need. I can walk home by myself"

Something flickered in his eyes but it was gone before I could understand it, "Take care of yourself"

I nodded with a smile and we parted soon after.

My stalking- Ahem. Observing routine continued. I followed him during school, after school, and in the weekends, taking pictures and relishing in his dreamy and handsome features and movements everyday. He sometimes asks me to go to lunch with him which always brings me over the moon with happiness but we don't talk much. I was too elated at knowing we were sitting together to speak or think straight to have a normal conversation and Yang was silent by nature.

Although I think he knows I follow him around, he hasn't shown any signs of acknowledging it but doesn't outwardly oppose it either so I'm happy about that.

It was close to winter as I was following Yang around the city. It was a weekend and in 2 months it would be Christmas.

I didn't have any strong feelings for Christmas. To me it was just another day like any other. I didn't have the warm feelings that came with the atmosphere of gift giving or going on dates with loved ones.

It was probably because you won't miss what you never had.

Yang was browsing through a small music store as I stood outside at the shadow of a restaurant across the street.

I found it cute that he still bought CDs in this day and age of digital downloadable music but everything he does is cute or dreamy or cool or all of the above.

This explained the lack of people in the store he was in. It was only him and the store owner. I would go in for a closer look but I knew he'd spot me immediately so I'll just stay content watching from where I am.

He stayed there for an hour, browsing, listening and talking to the store owner. I wished he was talking to me instead of that wizened old man. I pouted in jealousy.

When he exited the store, I shifted to follow him then noticed my hands were cold.

Ah. It was chilly already. I placed my hands into my hoodie pockets and I followed him from a distance.

I rushed out this morning since I woke up late. That man had broken my alarm clock during one of his drunken rampages. I barely managed to see Yang come out for the day.

I put my hood up to fight the cold breeze. I should make sure to bring my gloves tomorrow.

He walked easily through town, putting on his headphones.

He must be going home now. The walk was long and if he was stopping by the bookstore, he wouldn't put them on.

I wondered if he was going to stop by for honey milk tea or take a small detour for pastries. It wasn't often but Yang bought food on his way home sometimes.

I've tried everything I've seen him eat or drink at least once. If it was new, I'd buy it when he was at home and eat it while watching his house.

Regardless of the taste, somehow the idea that we were consuming the same things made me happy.

I bumped into someone as I was distracted by my thoughts. My phone which I had taken out to take a picture of Yang as he crossed the intersection, flying to the ground.

An apology flew from my mouth half heartedly as my gaze followed my phone to the floor. I bent over to pick it up and was relieved there was no crack on the screen.

When I straightened, the guy I bumped into was still standing there. There was a look of irritation in his eyes and a spark of interest that made my skin crawl

Oh. It was those types.

"Hey. Why not say sorry with a bit more sincerity? This is your fault"

I looked at him with impatience and disgust. I didn't have time to deal with him. I need to catch up with Yang. He should still be close by.

I turned away without a care which seemed to anger the guy even more.

"Hey! I'm talking to you, bit-!"

"Yin"

I froze, looking over to who called me. My idol God was walking over to me, his headphones sitting around his neck. I was too stunned at the fact that he was talking to me to speak.

"What's wrong? You lagged behind" He then turned to the other person without waiting for my answer, "And who is this?"

His tone changed on the 2nd question. He sounded irked as compared to the casual inquiry of the 1st.

What expression was he making? I immediately looked up just as he turned to me with narrowed eyes. I was internally excited yet shivered upon seeing them.

Anger. So this' what he looks like when he's angry. His eyes narrowed and if he looked at babies, they would cry. So intimidating! So passionate!

"Is he troubling you?"

"What? No. Don't bother yourself with him"

I shook my head as I was giggling in glee inside. Drinking in his darkened expression, not even sparing a glance at the 3rd person. The urge to take a photo of him was great but I suppressed it.

The other guy didn't seem to appreciate my dismissive tone, "'You're' the one who bumped into me!"

Yang's eyes shifted to him again but only for a moment, before he grabbed my arm to stir me away.

I was still staring at him calmly but without blinking, too deep in my love crazed psyche. My mind overflowing with adoration for his handsome angry features.

"I'm not done talking here! Get ba-!"

Yang suddenly turned and in a flurry of movements, he was now crouched down on the ground. The other man lying flat on his back.

There was collective gasp from the onlookers and before I could catch up to what was happening, Yang was already replacing something he got from the man's jacket pocket, standing up and pulling me away by the arm.

I was dazed and followed him mindlessly. It was only when he were a few streets away that I slowly crawled back to my senses. Those movements...

You were so cool, Yang!

He stopped then turned to me, his expression back to neutral again.

It was then I realized I said that outloud. Blushing crimson, I looked down in embarrassment where I saw his hand still on my arm. I blushed even deeper. My heart pounding against my chest.

He's holding my arm. His hand is on my arm. His palms are warm through the hoodie and his fingers are long, encircling my whole upper arm. Am I dreaming? If yes, I don't want to wake up.

Thank you unfortunate guy who bumped into me for making this possible!

"I'll take you home"

I was knocked from my happiness. Home meant separating from him. Home meant leaving this dream. It was only mid-day, I was planning to continue observing his house after he went back to his apartment.

No. I can just let him take me then I'll just go out again.

I was about to agree to this then dread pooled in my stomach. Home meant there were those two. I can't let Yang see them. What would he think if he saw them? I can't let that happen.

I stepped back causing his hand to fall from my shoulder. I mourned the lost of contact internally.

"Ahm... I still have things to do so I can't go home yet. Ah. Thanks for helping with back then"

He faced me fully, "Where do you need to go?"

I looked up at him, confused. Pardon?

"I'll go with you until you need to go home"

My heart stopped... figuratively. But I must be hearing things right? Don't tell me I'm really dreaming?

I wanted to pinch myself to make sure but knew it'll look weird if I do and if I was dreaming, I didn't want to pinch myself awake.

"O-Okay" I agreed hesitantly then turned to walk back the way we came. I let out a large grin as my back was turned.

Yes! I get to spend the day with Yang. Spend the day with Yang. With Yang.

Yang!

I wanted to cheer and skip in joy but walked calmly. Concentrating on my feet so I don't accidentally, let out a bounce in my step.

I saw him walk beside me in my peripheral and I bounced on my right foot. Ops.

"Sorry, I must've tripped on something" I smiled up at him awkwardly to cover up for that bounce. He only looked at me then turned back to the road. I was relieved.

We walked side by side (I was elated by this fact alone) for a few minutes, going through the streets with the flow of the people.

Who knew the city could look so vibrant? The sky was a bright blue. The shop, people and trees popped with color.

They looked so dull when I 1st came here and now they were filled with energy.

Is it because of Yang?

I looked over to my companion and sighed dreamily - in my head, of course.

It 'is' because of Yang. Everywhere he goes the birds reappear and the atmosphere becomes 1000 times brighter and happier. Ah, my idol Yang! So lovely! So handsome! The only sun in my life.

"So where should we go?"

My happiness screeched to a halt. I completely forgot I said I was going somewhere so I could refuse going home with him.

I searched my mind for places I could go: the back alley next to the coffee shop where he frequents, the bushes by the park bench he usually sits on, the fire escape staircase I climb to observe him during the rare chances he visits his 2nd favorite music store and a list of other places where I hang around inconspicuously to watch him go about his day.

It was obvious to say these places were unacceptable. So I had no place I could take him without being despised for stalking him.

But I can't tell him going somewhere was a lie, that's worst.

My mind was in a panicked state that I almost bumped into someone for the 2nd time today if Yang hadn't grabbed my arm again so I could avoid them.

"Stop spacing out"

His tone was neutral but I knew it was a warning. I nodded weakly as he dropped his hand. I mourned the lost of contact again.

Where's super glue when you need one?

Super glue? Bookstore? Bookstore! We could go there. And then I can also ask him about his book preferences.

I see him buy books but I never get to see their titles since I was too far away to read the cover and they were wrapped in paper bags when he leaves.

I led him to the bookstore he usually goes to, it was the nearest one to our school and fairly popular so it wasn't suspicious.

I browsed the rows of books leisurely. Books weren't my thing, I read manga from time to time but if it was a chuck of text, no matter how interesting people says it is. I lose interest easily.

I planned to pretend to browse through the literature slowly to prolong my time with him but soon I found it was unnecessary. Yang had taken the lead in going through the shelves, stopping many times to read through some of the books on display. This store was popular since you can stand around to read without the owner getting angry, so there were 2 handfuls of people milling about. There was also a children's section in one corner where kids were dragging their parents to or reading.

I grabbed a random book and pretended to read through it while observing Yang from the corner of my eye. He also had a book in hand, turning pages every so often.

His blue eyes darted left and right as he read it. He was so still, if I didn't see that movement of his eyes, I'd think he was a statue. It didn't help that he was so handsome either. You can put him in a museum as an art piece and nobody can tell the difference. Such a beautiful human. Impossibly perfect.

I snapped a picture and then hid my phone quickly. Nobody was looking my way and Yang was too engrossed in the book to notice. I'll oggle the picture later.

When he put the book down, I took my chance to ask him the types of books he likes to read.

"Fiction. I don't have a particular genre that I prefer but if it's interesting, I'll read it"

I wanted to get my notebook out to write this down but refrained. I'll burn this into my memories then transfer it later.

I followed along as he walked to another bookshelf, "Do you have any book recommendations?"

He stopped from reaching for the top of the shelf and instead bought his hand down to a different book, placing his hand on one with a hard cover.

But before he could fully take it out of the row, he pushed it back into place dismissively and walked away.

Confused, I followed after him, telling myself I'll look at it again when I come back. Sadly, the book will be picked by somebody else soon after and I'll never find out it was entitled, 'American Psycho'

"Here" he placed a thick book in my hands. It was quite heavy and I vaguely wondered how long it will take to read.

Harry Potter? I know this but the thickness was a little demotivating.

"It's a light read if you don't usually read books"

This' light? What was heavy then?

But I nodded and kept the book to my chest, wanting to check it out even if only for the fact that he was the one who recommended it to me.

Time passed in silence after. Yang kept going through books and picked out 2 while I followed him, still pretending to read while observing his profile.

Close to sunset, we prepared to leave the bookstore. We stood in line to get our books checked out when the gods went against me.

The price tag on this piece of literature was beyond me. As in I couldn't afford it unless I saved for 2 months with the miniscule allowance given to me by my grandmother in the countryside.

I began to panic and contemplated bringing it back to the shelf and coming up with an excuse for Yang since I wasn't buying it despite how he recommended it to me.

I looked down at the book on my chest, as if it was treasure I couldn't bear to part with.

Should I steal it?

I turned to the door just a few meters away. They were wide open and there was no security guard posted there. I can run pretty fast.

I stomped the idea down vehemently.

Yang was here. What would he think if he saw me shoplifting? What he thought of me was more important than this book. I'd rather lose it than have him come to hate me.

"On second thought, I'll just go return this to the shelf. I'll get it some other time"

"Why?"

"Ah. Well... I can't really... afford it"

I was embarrassed but knew this was better than resorting to stealing it. Yang would understand.

He suddenly grabbed the book from my hand without a word and added it to the pile in his hands.

"Pay me for it when you can"

My eyes were wide but a bubble of happiness also sprouted in my stomach. I let out a wide smile but when I saw his eyes shift, I forced it to disappear and looked down. I must've looked crazy but I couldn't help it.

My idol God really is a God. A God of beauty and kindness. Beautiful both inside and out. You're so perfect Yang. I feel blessed just knowing someone like him exist in this world. I feel like all my luck has been spent just being able to stand and look at someone so divine.

I had so much happiness, I didn't know what to do with it. I wanted to dance and twirl around.

I'll treasure that book. I won't even tear the wrapping. I'll enshrine it or I'll bring it with me to school everyday. The proof of my idol God's kindness.

We exited the bookstore as I clutched the wrapped treasure to my chest.

"Do you need to go anywhere else?"

I glanced at the sky which was now painted in orange and red hues. I could be selfish and tell him something else but I knew that during his routine weekends, he always goes home before dark. I can't keep him out even if I wanted to so I shook my head.

"I'll walk you home then"

I froze. I regretted saying I had nothing to do.

Wait. Couldn't I just say we can part ways before I get too close to my street? We've done this before after all when he got me that keychain.

Speaking of, that treasured keychain was with me at all times. Even in weekends, I'll unhook it from my bag and stuff it into my jean pockets like now.

I nodded to him and walked by his side.

When we got to the section where we needed to separate, my heart ached sadly.

We were parting again. My dream has come to an end.

I felt like the sky became a little bit duller as the sky darkened. If it rained, I wouldn't even be surprised.

I miss him already.

"Thanks again, Yang. I'll go this way" I pointed at the street without looking. I knew his apartment was the other way

"I'll take you until your house"

Oh my heart. Your golden soul is so wonderful, a national treasure, but please don't make this hard for me. Please.

"No it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow. Ugh... for lunch"

Although I do see him everyday, he is not aware of that 95% of the time. When we do take lunch together sometimes, it's only by his invitation.

Wait, aren't I being a little too forward by saying we'll see each other for lunch when were not even in the same class, year or floor? We aren't even friends!

I panicked, "Ah. I mean, no. That's not what it sounds like..."

I continued to flounder at my words as he stared at me and I grew more embarrassed by the second.

"Lunch then"

Releasing me from my self-made humiliation, I was grateful and gleeful that he agreed, "O-okay. See you"

He turned and walked away as I stared at his back longingly. I stood there until he was gone, wondering if I should follow him but I squashed it since he might notice.

Tomorrow, Yin. You'll see your idol God again tomorrow.

I was elated again after seeing the paperbag clutched to my chest. Remembering his kindness and the calming blue pools that were his eyes as he read through the books in the store. I always see him from out the store windows but it was my 1st time seeing it so close.

Didn't I take a picture of it?

Excited, I took out my phone as I entered the house.

I was too distracted at searching for it that I didn't notice that the house was eerily quiet. If I had, I would've gone back outside and waited until that man got home or sneaked in through a back window.

"You useless swine! How dare you come back without going overtime?! Do you think we-!" a shrill yell came from within the house but I was so used to it that I didn't look up. I took only 3 steps before I felt something amiss

"And what the hell were you doing outside?! Didn't I tell you to stay home and study? Where the hell have you been, you useless girl?!"

I looked up and saw a willowy woman in an apron standing a few feet away, glaring daggers at me.

I panicked and hid my phone away as she charged forward like a lioness. I desperately schooled my features into morbid calmness and refused to look up again.

I clutched the paper bag like a lifeline.

"And what is this, huh?" I clutched the bag closer on impulse but she was already reaching her bony hands for it.

I tried to step away but there was only so much space between myself and the door.

"I said let go! How did you get this? Did you steal it?! Or did you take money from me again?! You thieving child! I didn't raise you to be like this!"

Although she was thin, this woman was stronger than me so she managed to pry the the paperbag away, shoving me to the ground in the process.

I hit the floor hard, tears close to spilling from my eyes from the impact as I looked desperately at the now revealed book in her hands.

"No. Give it back" I got up to try to take it but it was out of reach.

"A book? You're squandering our money on this trash. It's not even for school!" she viciously tore at the plastic, scratching the cover and I screamed in horror.

"Stop! It was given to me! I didn't buy it!"

"How dare you lie! You think I'll believe that someone gave this to you!"

I tried to reach out for it again but the door suddenly opened behind me, jabbing the doorknob to my back and pushing me to the side. If I didn't lean against the wall for balance, I would've fallen again.

"Why are you 2 screaming at the front door?! What if people hear you?!"

That man had arrived but I didn't even spare him a glance as I looked towards the book again, that woman's manicured nails digging into the cover and leaving unrepairable dents.

"Your evil spawn squandered our money on trash! This' why I told you you're not disciplining her properly. Tomorrow she's going to end up taking everything we have and wasting it all!"

His eyes turned to the book then turned to me, he was livid, "Did you steal our money for this?"

"No! I didn't-"

SMACK!

The sound resounded in the house and I was knocked back to the wall. I knew he had not held back as well.

"You idiot! Why did you hit her face?! What if people see her tomorrow? You want our neighbors talking that we're abusive parents?"

"Just tell the school she's sick. And you better not tell this to anyone, you thief!"

I missed the things they said as my mind reeled from the slap. I only saw his chubby finger being pointed at me. My cheek stung and throbbed as I held a hand over it tenderly. Did they say I was skipping tomorrow?

"... burn it. You've damaged it anyway. It can't be resold"

My mind snapped back at this fact.

"Stop! Give it-"

"Shut up! I've had enough of you. Don't you dare aggravate that wound! If I hear so much as a word from others that you told people you were slapped, I'm going to do things that are even worse!"

I was grabbed by the arm and hauled up the stairs. Thrown into my room harshly as she shut the door.

I clambered up to chase her but it was locked from the outside. I hit the door with my arms in desperation, soon kicking it with all my might but the wooden door wouldn't budge. I was screaming until my voice was hoarse and tears streamed from my eyes like waterfalls but nobody answered the door.

When that woman did come, I was curled against the corner wall on my bed. She had dropped a tray of food on the floor with an ice pack.

"Where's the book?"

She glared at me, "Trash belongs in trash. I told your school you won't be coming in tomorrow and put ice on that. I want it gone before you need to go back the day after" then she slammed the door shut but I heard nothing of what she said

The book Yang gave me. The proof of my idol God's kindness. Gone. It was gone just like that.

Was it still in the trash can? It can be, right?

Tomorrow, I'll try searching for it tomorrow.

I refused to think of what had happened to it and fell asleep, ignoring the tray on the floor.

When I woke up again, the tray was gone but the door was still locked. I banged on the door and yelled to be let out but no answer.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's still there. It's probably still there. It has to be there. Relax, Yin. Stay calm.

My hands were fisted until my nails broke the skin and bled then I curled back to bed. I stared at Yang's photos silently, the only things keeping me sane.

When I was let out, I needed to go to school.

That woman cursed in distaste upon seeing the large red mark on my face. She got out a stick of concealer and smeared it roughly on the area, cursing the man who did it for it was troubling her. I only stood there silently despite how her movements were painful.

She then handed me the stick when she was finished, "I'm warning you, child. Don't you dare let anyone know about this"

When she walked away, I sneaked into the kitchen and saw the empty trash can.

My body felt hollow. Ah. It was really gone.

I don't know how I didn't break down and desperately cling onto the empty trash bin, looking for something that wasn't there anymore but I walked out without a word. My steps heavy. The words 'Gone' repeating in my head over and over.

My eyes grew hot.

I can't cry. Not here. They'll see and then that woman will find out. I tightly clutched the strap of my bag where the keychain hung from. I looked at the simple item with immense fear, remembering how she treated the book. I unhooked it from its clasp clumsily due to my panic and stuffed it into the deepest corner of my bag.

I chanted in my head that she won't find it. She won't find it. Over and over until I felt better. It also helped that I was walking to school.

Going to where Yang was.

I detoured to the bathroom 1st to check the concealer had not smudged and when I found it presentable, I went to class.

I wasn't a disobedient child. I go to school, I was never late, and I don't do anything that'll make people question how I was raised or how my parents treat me. Those 2 just don't care enough about me to question where I go to day after day or about my general well being.

If I never raise anyone's attention to me, they don't have the faintest interest in their daughter.

It was another matter if other people knew though, cause when that happens...

"Poor thing, I heard she's crazy"

"Creepy girl. Creepy girl" children's laughter

"This' all your fault! You ruined us!"

"There's nothing we can do"

... Ah.

Yang called me during lunch and as I looked at his perfection waiting outside my classroom door, I only felt a chilling sense of calm. My usual love filled adoration for him strangely nowhere to be found.

I have to be more careful this time then. Careful. So very careful as if I'm walking on a tightrope.

Distance. Distance is safer.

His brow raised when he saw me and I realized my face must've looked abnormal so I smiled happily at him, the calm fading away with each step I took.

"Good morning, Yang"

He nodded, his usual expression painting his face. He was lovely as well today.

"Are you alright? I heard you were sick yesterday"

Was Yang worried about me? Oh my heart.

But no, he probably isn't.

"I'm fine now. Just a minor cold"

He looked at me for a few seconds then walked away, "Let's go"

"Are we taking our lunch today instead?"

He remembers.

He nodded without looking back and I was over the moon with happiness.

I walked behind him and stared at his back.

My idol God is so heavenly again today. I snapped a picture of his broad back with my phone .

I'll make this into my wallpaper. Teehee~