CHAPTER THIRTEEN: ELICIA

As soon as our lips brushed against each other, he hesitated and moved back.

I just stood there looking at him tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks.

I felt a sharp pain in my chest and I immediately put my hand on my chest, with the thought of making the pain go away.

I felt rejected and for the first time it really hurt just as much as l lost Jeremy.

"If you don't like me then why were you leading me on all this time?" I master up all my courage to ask him since he already humiliated me, what's one question more?

"Because at one point I actually saw a future with you, but—." I cut him before he finishes.

"Then what changed?" I further ask.

"Everything." He says and walks away.

l will not let him walk away, instead I grab his hand, spin him around to face me and once again crash my lips with his.

This time he did not hesitate neither does he stop me.

He kisses me with every ounce of passion and the amount of love and desire he had for me.

Electricity courses through my veins as I close my eyes and let go of the hurt my heart feels.

For a moment all the pain vanished and I respond just as passionate.

We part as a result of shortage of oxygen.

He loves me just as much as l love him but he is scared just like Lydia said.

What is he scared of?

After our moment, l take my keys away from him, get in my car and drive straight to Lydia's office.

Lucky enough she had no patient so l just waltz in and sit on the couch by the window.

I was a mess; I was sobbing the whole trip; I was surprised I reached her office without involving myself in an accident.

Lydia wastes no time in embracing me asking what happened.

I told her every detail as she soothed me.

By the time I was done, tears were no longer streaming out.

We talked about how his actions made me feel and I really told her all about me feeling hurt.

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Entry 257

Dear Journal

Ever since the day I confessed, he hasn't been at work and it's now three weeks. My new year was the worst in all my new years; mom tried her best to cheer me up and most times it did work but the moment I was alone, I would think about him.

I want to see him so bad, even if he doesn't talk to me; just him standing there minding his own business would be enough

I am hurting,

It hurts so much I want it to stop

At first it was fine, now that it's been three weeks I am scared that I might never see him again

And that terrifies me a lot

I sometimes cry myself to sleep

I think I now understand why Lydia said one should not invest in someone they do not fully know

I barely knew him but here I was crying because he left.

I feel stupid

Very stupid

Mom tried to take me out to make me feel better but nothing changed.

I know I am not being fair to her because she wants to be there for me but I am not allowing her

I wish Jeremy was here, it was easier talking to him than anyone else because our friendship was more telepathic

He knew how I was feeling without me telling him

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After Lydia read my entries for the past three weeks since I hadn't been coming for our sessions neither was I answering her calls, she says, "Took you long enough."

"Your entries are really sad, but all this is great at the same time." She says trying to make it make sense to me.

I furrow my brows trying to understand but there was noting.

"What do you mean great?" I ask her.

"If you read back to your first entry, it was more of him than yourself. Now you write how you feel towards someone. How their presence or absence in your life is making you feel. Your best friend, Jeremy, Treadway and even your dad. You are now expressing your feelings. It's now more of you and your feelings. You came here shutting down your feelings but now you are aware of them and even better, expressing them." She says and I start understanding her.

"I am sorry it took you meeting someone and have them leave for you to open up but it's more good than bad." She continues to say and I nod a few times getting where she was coming from. 

We sit there in silence for a few minutes as I was looking out the window seeing cars, buses and people going on and about.

"You started smiling more and I am really happy you are making progress. I hope this won't damage the progress."

"Love is not selfish; he must have had his reasons." I say surprising myself.

"Ha-ha I never thought I would hear that my entire life. That is so cheesy and thoughtful at the same time. I am glad you are thinking that way."  I join her in laughing wiping some stray tears.

Lydia was about to say something else when someone just barges in.

"I have a patient at the moment, come back la---,"  she says and in the process of her saying this there he stood at the door tears streaming down his face.

"Treadway!" I say his name like it was the last word I was ever going to say.

"I see why this boy drives you insane." Lydia whispers with a small smile on her face.

"You can join us Treadway Conerly." Lydia says gesturing for him to take a seat and he shakes his head denying to sit down.

"I love you Elicia Rae. Never have I loved anyone this much before. You make me want to do all things right. I should not be scared anymore, I want you to be part of my life; I want you to know me, know all of me both the good and bad. I want to see your face every day, I want to see you smile, me being the reason. I want you to look at me even when you think I am not watching. I want to send you home every day after work. I lied about not wanting to hang out with you. I want to do everything with you even if it means I have to go against my stepdad, I will. I was scared that he will get to you and make me the bad person and I wouldn't be able to protect you from him so l thought pushing you away will save you but I would rather fight to be with you than hurt whilst letting you go. The pain is unbearable." He breathes heavily after the most heart-warming confession.

As I open my mouth to speak he stop me.

"Please be with me?" he asks full of hope and I am dumbstruck that I don't even know what to say.

Never in a million years did l see this happening.