Chapter 35

There are days where something unexpected happens, and to Rowan it was in the form of a text from Ari asking her if she was home. She knew that it meant that he planned to come over, but things were a bit strained right now with them. She looked at her phone not knowing what to text back.

Deciding that there was no point in being stubborn, she typed in her reply telling him that sure, he could come over if he wanted to. Maybe it was about time for them to talk, actually talk, and in all honesty, she missed her friend. People do make mistakes sometimes, and she's afraid that hers would be not giving him a chance.

She waited a while sitting in contemplative silence before she heard a soft knock on the door and couldn't help but think about how quickly he arrived at her doorstep. He was probably already making his way over when he texted her.

Rowan opened the door to welcome him in, albeit a little bit reluctantly, but when she saw him standing there at the door she paused. There was something different. Something that wasn't there before. There was no doubt that he was losing sleep form how tired he looked, and he was looking down at the ground in a distant stare that worried her.

Instead of a greeting, she asked worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"Can we just..." He bit his bottom lip still looking down before he breathed out a heavy breath loaded with emotions she couldn't decipher. "Can we just bake and talk?"

There was no way she'd turn him down now.

"Sure, yeah. Kitchen is all ours." She stepped out of the way so fast so he could walk in.

Whenever they decide to 'bake and talk' it is always because of something one of them wanted to talk about. They did that when she discovered Jax was her mate, or when they were deciding what to do in the future, and had many other discussions where they bared their heart to each other.

It was their thing and it seemed like he really needed it.

"Don't think we have many options; I didn't expect us to be baking today." She told him referring to the fact that she doesn't have many ingredients available. She propped up one of the cooking books they've always used and she stopped at a certain page. "We can do this, how about it?"

Ari didn't even look at the book when he answered. "Sure, it works."

No, Rowan didn't like this.

She silently handed him the bowl they'd use for mixing and went on to get the other ingredients. The whole time they were setting things up she was eyeing him carefully. She noticed that he moved without thinking like his mind was elsewhere and his body was just moving by its own.

There were no words exchanged between them as they started to work in tense silence before it was finally broken when a utensil dropped clumsily from his hand.

There was something in the way he looked at it stoically that made her stop everything and grab him by his shoulder. He looked like he was barely holding himself back from breaking down.

"We're baking now, but you aren't talking. You haven't said a word." She squeezed his shoulder and he was still not looking at her. "What's wrong? Tell me."

"Everything is wrong." He told her hoarsely as he swallowed a cry that surged up in his throat. "Sometimes I wonder if I really don't deserve to be happy. Everything is just so wrong."

Whatever they were baking was quickly forgotten as she held him by the side of his arms looking at him firmly.

"Tell me." She said making a decision. "I will not be mad at you, and I won't judge you. Even if it is Eli, I understand that we can't help what we feel. I won't tell Alec or anyone a thing."

There was hesitation when she mentioned the thing with Eli, but it was her telling him that he was safe to discuss anything with her. Mad or not, he was her friend and she hated to see him like that.

She didn't know how right her words were, but all for the wrong reasons.

"I was alone with Eli the whole day at the city." He told her as she clenched her jaw not expecting that, but she still nodded her head keeping her comments to herself. "He said that he thought about kissing me."

The shock was palpable on her face as she slowly moved her hands away from him. "Eli said that?"

Ari nodded with a choke in his voice. "It wasn't serious, just a silly idea. He's madly in love with Alec, but I had every chance to take advantage of that moment, but I didn't." He told her honestly without any restraint. The words just flowed out of him. "I thought about kissing someone else, but I wish I hadn't."

"Are they your mate?"

There was apprehension in the way he answered. "Yes, he is."

It was all confusing to Rowan whose own experience told her that finding a mate was the best thing in anyone's life. Even before she knew it was Jax, she couldn't help but develop feelings for him. They were perfect together. Everything was perfect; Everyone around her shared a similar experience. It made her wonder, why Ari seemed to disagree. His mate is the one he's meant to be with.

Ari didn't blame her for not understanding.

Jax had known she was his, and he had waited until her birthday to give her a date she would never forget. He had planned it all for her with so much love and care, and it was probably filled with sweet moments and affection. She had told him about it like it was the happiest moment of her life – and it probably was.

She wasn't hurt by an abusive mother. There weren't any rolling heads or detached limbs around her. She most certainly didn't feel terrified for her life when she caught sight of the one person who was made for her. There wasn't any blood smeared on her face when Jax lovingly touched hers.

Dread just wasn't something she felt with him.

He couldn't help but sink on her kitchen floor holding his head in his hands pushing away any tears that might want to fall. Rowan silently joined him pulling him closer to allow him to rest his head on her shoulder. They sat like this for a few moments.

"He terrifies me." He admitted after a while of peaceful silence where everything felt deceptively okay. "I thought my life would get better after meeting him. That I'd finally escape this place and my mother..."

Rowan frowned. "Your mother?"

"My mother hates me. She wishes I had never been born." With his head still on her shoulder, Rowan's other arm went up to wrap him in a hug. Her breaths were getting shallower and she couldn't believe the words that were said with no emotion behind them. "This is why I can't bake at home. She hates it, and she always takes advantage of the fact that I can't fight back against her."

It was the first time he ever spoke about her like this to anyone.

"My kitchen is always open for you. Always." There was a hint of a sadness in her strangled voice. "No awful mothers can change this."

"I appreciate it." A small weak smile appeared on his face, but it didn't make it any less genuine. Rowan might have not seen it, but she felt it.

"Why does your mate terrify you?" She couldn't help but ask and she could feel him shift uncomfortably in her embrace as he let out a voice that denoted his discomfort.

"Let's just say he's a scary person. He does awful things." He answered her vaguely. "Sometimes I feel guilty about having feelings for someone like that when I know I shouldn't."

Rowan hummed thoughtfully. "Not everyone is perfect. You don't have to support what he does, and you have a choice to be with him or not. Having someone like him as your mate doesn't make you a bad person, you're two different people."

"You're not wrong." He admitted feeling conflicted about it all.

He did have a choice.

Then it occurred to him that the only time he was ever presented with a choice was when he was with Constantine, and he didn't know if his guilt was because of the type of person Constantine was or if it was because the choices he wanted to make made him happy.

Maybe he's lying to himself desperate to escape this place, but with Constantine he found a certain type of appreciation he never experienced before.

Nobody ever appreciated him like Constantine does, and it made everything harder.

He knew he should run away. He knew.

"I mean come on I am sure he isn't that bad. Things could be much worse, you know. He could be a serial killer or something."

"Right. It couldn't get worse than that." He said untangling himself from her embrace feeling better and worse simultaneously, but he also found her words regrettably funny. He offered her a hand when he stood up. "Want to continue baking?"

Rowan smiled up at him nodding her head and took his hand.

"Before we continue, I really want to say sorry for everything." There was guilt in her voice as she recalled how harshly she treated him. Her heart was breaking for him now. "Especially about Eli and your situation with your mother. I had no right to make assumptions, and it doesn't excuse how I treated you."

Ari continued holding her hand giving her a grateful look.

His fault for keeping secrets.

"Things just looked bad for me. You didn't know."

"I didn't, but- Yeah, we should've talked first. I missed you, a lot."

Ari's lip turned up into a smile and she considered that a victory. "I missed you a lot, too. Truly."

Rowan didn't say anything more as they resumed making something sweet and delightful with whatever ingredients she could find. The only thing she worried about was how she hoped that Ari would get some sleep after this.

But it was so hard to sleep when his thoughts were plagued by Constantine.