15

I know Tsitsi and Tanaka are tired from a whole day of shopping new clothes for me since I threw my whole wadrobe out of the window but still I can feel it moving inside of me. If I sit down, if I become still, I am going to be crying till bedtime.

I need to keep moving.

"I want to go out," I announce, checking if my dress is appropriate for clubbing and getting drunk, in the mirror. Tanaka and Tsitsi exchange a glance and sigh.

They are tired.

And they think I am going mad. I am not so sure if I am still sane myself.

I feel different, it is like that hollow place inside if me was replaced by something cold, heavy and solid that will never budge.

Everytime I try and close my eyes I see him on top of me, moving relentlessly, his hot breath scorching my neck. I feel him suffocating me.

So I have to do all I can to not close my eyes.

"Excuse me?," I prompt them. They snap out of it quickly and give me one of their worried, tired smiles that seem to have come with my sadness. It is like when my sadness landed, they somehow learned how to smile like that.

"Of course, we are game!," Tsitsi says, trying to feign excitement but I know better. I can tell she is not happy about this. She is tired. And worried.

I don't care. And that is the truth. I try to look for any sign of raw emotion inside of me but do not find one. I simply don't care. If they are not coming I will go with KT and his boyfriend.

Actually, let me text them and ask them to go with us.

"Not a gay bar though, right?," Tanaka asks, cautiously. I see Tsitsi laugh, throwing back her head. It must be the first real laugh she has had since I came back home this Monday. Her eyes have been distant and sad, tiptoeing around me and saying yes to everything I say I want. I should feel sorry for her.

I know that much. But I am failing to actually feel. I just know I am supposed to, but I don't remember how to feel.

"You are scared?! Finally something you are scared of, "Tsitsi keeps laughing, gagging a bit. I sigh and look away as I text KT.

"No I just love balls too much," I hear Tanaka say and I can feel her rolling her eyes. I sigh and leave for the living room, just as Tsitsi says “You can still get your balls, loads of bisexual men would love to bite,”. There is a silence and then I hear footsteps following me. Am I under a suicide watch? They don't even know what happened to me. They don't even know what was done to this body and how it crushed my soul, my heart, my everything.

"Stop following me please," I fix a square gaze at both of them. Tsitsi rests her weight on one leg, then shifts to the other. She keeps doing it till Tanaka, the better liar of us all says "Thought we were already leaving for the club, "she shrugs and if I didnt know any better I would think she was being genuine. But she can lie about her eye color while looking innocent about it.

I groan and make my way to the balcony. I inwardly dare them to follow, today I will commit my first murder case. They don't. So I roll my blunt and smoke while I wait for KT to respond to my messages.

I am laughing at how green the tree across the street is when my phone starts vibrating. KT.

"Bitch, we are downstairs!!,"Why does he, wait she, have to talk like she is singing.

"Okay, coming with my bodyguards," I reply and hang up. I walk through the living room. The bodyguards leap to their feet and follow behind me. I need to lose these two.

*********

"Hey bitch!, ' KT exclaims in that dramatic way of his. The guys he's with is not the one he was with the other day. Makes me wonder if he is running some sort of a hit and run or whatever. But he looks cute as always.

"Hey KT," even with my new steel I cannot make myself swear. I would love to try it, there's liberation in that but then it isn't something that is in me.

What is in me then?

Nothing. In this very moment I am nothing but just a body in long folds of fabric drifting by. I am simply existing. And there's nothing more to my life. I would love so much to have that sparkle in KT's eyes but for what.

This is my life.

I have to find a way to live through it.

"Call me Khloe. Miss Khloe," she says, batting her lashes at me. I smile. It is difficult not to in her presence. She is such a bright light

So beautiful and so free.

"And where is loverboy?," I whisper into her ears. She smiles and winks at me.

" Change is essential baby girl," is all he says and we make a beeline for my car. Tsitsi is the one driving, no one says it out loud. It doesn't have to be said out loud. We just know she is the one manning the wheel tonight.

We play music on high volume all the way to the club and when we get to our destination I don't hold back. I don't look around too much to see if there's anyone looking at me. I tear up the dance floor with KT, oh Khloe, till Tsitsi has to drag me away.

I am sloshed by the time I stop to catch my breath. Without thinking I pull Tsitsi to me and kiss her deeply on the lips. When I let go she seems surprised but pleased. With a little hint of confusion too because I am not usually this bold. The liquor is making me bold.

Way too bold because I signal for Khloe to come to us.

"Miss Khloe let's go for a ride," I have to shout so that she can hear me on top of the blasting music.

"Say no more," she goes to take her new boyfriend.

I see Tsitsi and Tanaka exchanging looks. These two have been annoying lately. I lean in for another kiss. Tsitsi raises her eyebrows but she doesn't say anything, she lets me kiss her.

Would I love going beyond this?

Am I ready for that?

With this liquor sizzling in my blood I am definitely ready for anything. So yeah, tonight I will sneak into her room or tell her to come into mine. The idea solidifies in my brain I am actually excited about it.

KT, oh Khloe or whatever, comes back with her boyfriend and we leave the club. The night is still young but you never know when it might all come to a stop. I need this ride with the only friends I have ever had in my life.

It turns out to be one hell of a ride. At first Tsitsi won't indulge my incessant whining but then she gives in and races the wind in full speed. It is the most exhilarating experience.

I find myself plunged into oblivion, aware of nothing but just the wind, and this insane speed. I want to be here forever. With my thoughts cloudy, feeling a little carsick and not caring if I die tonight. I want this to be my life forever.

But even this too ends way too soon.

No it doesn't end with the whole lot of us dead in some ditch.

It ends with Khloe,new man and Tanaka in my bedroom and I, my head still swimming, in Tsitsi's bed.

"Let's...," I whisper, reaching for her teeshirt. I let my unfinished sentence linger between the two of us, thick and heavy. She stares at me. A little too long I am sure she is going to say no.

"No," she confirms my fears. I feel my cheeks heat up. I just gave myself up to her and she rejected me without even blinking. Is it so evident that my body is worthless? That I let a man take without even protesting? That I let him use me without even trying to stop him? That right now, as we speak I am letting him get away with it and even do it to another girl?

Now he scarred my body not even Tsitsi can have me.

I turn to the wall.

"No, Qhawe it's not like I dont want to. But you're intoxicated, "Tsitsi says behind me. I don't move. I remain still till I feel her drape her arm over my body and we fall asleep like that.

When I wake up, it's late in the night, my head is clearer. And Tsitsi is talking in her sleep besides me. I stare at her hard, she looks cute like that. I find myself leaning towards her and capturing her moving lips with mine. I am about to deepen the kiss when I feel her waking up. I am sure because she stills then she relaxes, then she is kissing me back.

I swear this is heaven and I want to stay here forever. Her hands are on my shoulder in a matter of seconds and she pushes me back on the bed. She pulls back as she straddles me and just like that she is on top of me.

She stares at me for a heartbeat, I stare back. It is a heated gaze, coated with wanting. I can see it in her eyes. But then it is also more than that. She is making sure I am aware of what I am about to do before I actually do it. She is making sure we are not swept away by passion.

This has to be deliberate.

Not something done in the heat of the moment.

She leans closer and I am enveloped by a weird scent. Oh but I know this scent. It's Masimba's cologne. Masimba?

How did he get here?

He is forcing me to the bed, his hand on my mouth... No I can't let him do this to me for the second time.

So I start thrashing and screaming and fighting back. All i see is red, as I try to fight him off, screaming for help. He is pinning me down. He is winning. But I don't stop. I keep fighting. This time I will fight.

I can hear my own voice, ripping out of me in a strangled scream. I can feel it scratching padt my toungue and into the hair. I can feel how liberating it is. To be fighting back. Not to be idle like I was the first time he did this to me.

This time around I will make sure I fight him tooth and nail.

"Qhawe please," is that Tsitsi's voice? She should help me, she should come help me. Where is she by the way? I can hear hee clearly, even in all this fog it is like she is right next to me. Actually it is like she is right on top of me. On top of me? "Tanaka! KT! Help!," I hear her call out.

I am safe, dear God, I am safe. So i finally relax. She is getting help.

She is going to save me from this darkness.

The red in my eyes starts disappearing. , The fog is drifting away but slowly this time. When it came it descended on me fast. But now as it makes it's departure it takes it's time, as if applauding me for fighting back.

Slowly I see Tsitsi appear before my eyes.

She is straddling me , staring at me with pleading eyes.

The door bursts open and the other three dash in just as Tsitsi asks "Qhawe, did he violate you?,"