"WOUNDS BUT NOT BLEEDING"

I felt like I was getting a razor-slashed but not bloody wound it felt so painful without me noticing it was torturing me slowly i felt like i had moved too hard and i allowed myself to be lulled again with my feelings that i couldn't keep anymore and i felt i had failed to take care of myself and had neglected in keeping my heart and feelings so that i wouldn't be hurt again.

I felt I was going to let myself down and my hard work all along to keep myself and my heart in check since the dark events of the past that left me in the dark for some time and I couldn't even stand on my own feet because of it. and I feel so scared now that I will fall into that terrible darkness again.

I feel I really hate myself right now for letting it affect my life again, but I can't say anything, As the saying goes that rice has become porridge and will not return to rice and now all i can do is accept everything is already happened and just do everything again to put myself and heart in safe place.

And all i can do is avoiding everything which can makes me hurt again and avoiding to do something so fast because i don't know if i would got a right answer for my step but whatever it is i just want give it for him i don't know if i could do it but i will try my best because i love him so much and even in the i going to be hurt and come back to the darkness time again i wish i can survive like i was did before.