Chapter 44

I make it to the bathroom and hide in one of the smaller stalls. Tears stream down my face. I can't get them to stop. Initially, I was embarrassed but now it's something else. Now I'm scared that I could lose everything I've grown to love in these past few months. How the fuck am I supposed to raise an entire child by myself? I can feel my chest tighten.

I try to take deep breaths to slow my breathing. I hug my knees to my chest, making myself as small as possible. I never expected something like this would happen. Who did I anger enough to do something like this to me? What kind of person gets so upset, that they resort to borderline pornographic sabotage. There has to be some kind of law that was broken here. Remembering that it isn't my fault helps me calm down.

I step out of the stall. I unsteadily stumble over to the sink. I look at myself in the mirror. I didn't wear a lot of makeup to prom. I really only wore a couple of layers of mascara, some sparkly highlighter, and some lip gloss. I know that I'm not much to look at and I don't think piling on the makeup could help me change that.

My mascara is waterproof thank god. None of my makeup has smeared. Now to just get rid of these pesky tears. I grab some paper towels from the nearby holder. I wet them under the running water, ringing them out so that they are only slightly damp. I wipe at my face, trying to get any dried remains of my fear and shame off. Then I grab a dry paper towel to fight off the rest of the unwanted tears.

Foster would know that it wasn't my fault, right? It's not like I was prancing around in front of some other guy. It was just me, Micah, and Julia in Micah's bedroom. I remember that the audio had been removed and that neither Julia nor Micah were visible. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. It probably looked like I was putting on a show for some guy. Out of context, this makes me look like a whore. Tears start to well up again, but I fight them back.

No. Foster is a good guy. He knows that I only have feelings for him. He knows me. He wouldn't jump to conclusions about the video. He is probably out there looking for me now to see if I'm okay. He is always so gentle and so aware of how I'm feeling. There is no way that he would be mad at me without hearing my story first. I know Micah will have my back if I ask her for help. I pat my cheeks to get the blood rushing back in. I know I'm pale but god damn I look like a ghost. After regaining a bit of color, I hug my arms to my chest. I don't want to go back out there. I want to stay here, hidden. I muster up the strength to move my feet towards the door, staring at the ground.

As soon as I am out, I look around, trying to find Foster. I notice a couple, getting it on directly in front of the women's bathroom. The girl has long brown hair. It's straight. She is wearing a floor-length aqua mermaid dress. It hugs her curves nicely. God, I wish I had a rack like that. Next, I analyze the boy. He is hunched over so I can't really tell how tall he is. He has black almost curly hair. His forearms are muscular and pale. All of the color that I had worked so hard to get back immediately drains from my face.

That's Foster, making out with some other person. I didn't think the video was that bad, but I guess he's done with me now. Tears fall again but this time I don't fight them. I let the sobs come. Before he can see my face, I turn to escape again. I have to get out of here. I never want to come back. I miss home. I miss my old friends. I fucking miss my dad. My heart aches and I feel so broken. It's a familiar feeling. I'm used to having the things and the people I love ripped away from me.

I make it out of the front doors and continue on, unsure of where I am going or what I want to do next. Outside the air is chilly and damp. I feel disgusting. I feel dirty. I continue to feel these things as I find myself running in the direction of that old brick palace.

It's hard to breathe. My lungs are on fire. My stomach leaps. I stop running halfway between the venue and safety. My mouth starts to water. I start to heave, emptying the entire contents of my stomach into the nearby grass. I manage to keep it off of my dress. Seeing the vomit sends me heaving again, this time nothing comes out.

"Claudia! Claudia!" I can hear a familiar voice. It's far away, but I can hear it. It's manly and it's filled with fear. I look over and see Foster running full speed towards me. Great. Not only did I just get embarrassed in front of half of my high school, see my 'boyfriend' making out with another girl, and puke my guts up; now he is back to break my heart some more. I contemplate running but what's that going to do. I'm not as fast as him. I am frozen in place, a few feet away from the mess I just made and a few yards away from the mess that's to come.

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I can hear my heart pounding. The scenery is rushing past. I let my legs carry me wherever they need to go to get to her. I can't imagine how she feels right now. First, the school sees her naked body, that's embarrassing enough. But I just had to throw wood directly into that fire. She probably thinks I hate her. I don't. I love her. I could never hate her. It isn't her fault that someone used her private moments against her. I know she couldn't have been with another guy because the only time she isn't with me is when she is with her friends.

Micah tried to explain it as I was running out of the building. I know she would never even be able to think of hurting me or anyone like that. And what the hell was Julia doing? She knows I'm with Claudia. I would be surprised if everyone weren't aware. We spend every moment together. Her small soft hand always finds its way to mine in the hallways or in class. Now, I bet she wants nothing to do with me. She must be in so much pain.

The idea of her in pain like this crushes me. I shouldn't have gotten so close to Julia. I should have kept my distance. I know that some girls are into me and I know that Julia and I have done shit before, but I barely know her. I don't even know her last name.

I spot C a ways away. I scream with everything in me to get her to see me. I want her to see me. "Claudia! Claudia!" My voice is hoarse now. Seeing her standing like that, looking so small, looking so broken, it does something to me. I'm sobbing now, trying to make my way toward this beautiful person, trying to repair whatever I can. I can't lose her. I can't even imagine life without her smile or her cute giggles and sighs. I need her sarcasm and her kindness to stay sane.

I'm only a few feet away. She is almost within reach. I skid to a stop. I probably shouldn't run directly at her. I walk towards her now, tears falling, probably looking like a mess or maybe even a crazy person. I don't care. I have to help her understand. A sour smell hits my nose. I look over and see the pile in the grass. I hope she's okay, I mean I know she isn't, but I don't want her to be sick on top of all of this.

"Claudia, Julia and I weren't . . . I would never . . . she trapped me. I'm sorry." My thoughts are racing a hundred miles a minute. I can't get them out how I want to. None of this makes sense to me and I don't know how to make it make sense to her.

"Foster, slow down. Breathe," she is upset, but she is still thinking of me, trying to reassure me, trying to comfort me. I take a deep breath and try to organize my thoughts. I think I know what I need to say and how I need to say it but before I get the chance, I can't see her anymore. Everything is black. It was cold before, but it feels so much colder now. I can hear her screaming, but I don't know where she is. I'm so tired.