Chapter 2 : The Error Uniqueness (2)
Thinking about it now, I'm the one in the wrong so common sense would have been to introduce myself.
Talking about common sense, I really have the feeling that trespassing private property is authorized in this world.
« I am the Evernight goddess. » She answered.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
Well, I guess that's normal.
I raised my hand and stopped her.
« Sorry, I'm atheist. I don't believe in gods. »
Maybe, that's not the best thing to say either after trespassing into the kingdom of God.
Maybe.
But that's too late anyway. I think I'll really get killed one day...
« Do you want a cup of tea ? »
Fortunately, instead of being angry, she invited me to a cup of tea.
Well, if I say that I don't like tea, will it be rude ?
After all, I only drink fruity infusions with boiling water, apple cider vinegar, Cayenne pepper, lemon juice, sweetener, powdered ginger, apples... Okay, that does not seem to be infusion nor tea anymore. But, at least, when you drink this, the problem is not the taste (even if you always seem to put too much Cayenne pepper...) but the look others are giving you when you explain what you put in it, it's as if they think that you're not right in the head. (I think so too...). Hey, that still tastes good. It's the truth ! At the beginning I just wanted to mix a lot of ingredients that let you lose weight faster and I ended up with this...
Now that I think about it, I'm glad that she didn't ask for my name since I don't remember it. Otherwise, would I have had to say that my name is Miss Devil ? I should really stop to ask others to introduce themselves when I can't even introduce myself...
« Tell me your story. » She said.
Surprised, I raised my head from the cup that appeared in front of me. Is it really normal for things to appear and disappear like this ?
I thought hard then said :
« Once upon a time a girl that was dancing on the edge of a cliff. One day, she realized that she was falling and stared at the cliff. Then, instead of stepping back she decided to jump straight in. End. »
She continued to stare at me and I murmured :
« Well, the cliff wasn't very high anyway... »
I thought I told you ? That I wasn't very right in the head... But it would be better to be already crazy... At least I didn't stutter ! My conversational skills increased !
That's how I spent the next few months in Amanises' kingdom of god and learnt that (apart from the gods and apparently it's only because the gray fog was helping me) I couldn't interact with the outside world.
However, for unknown reasons, one day, the Evernight goddess left and never came back (looking back she probably died while fighting the great old ones) and I woke up once again in Sefirah Castle.
But, strangely, this time, Mr. Fool wasn't there.
I looked at the empty gray fog all around me, the long bronze mottled table and the high back chairs, as well as the red stars...
I became anxious.
Where... is he ?
I waited.
1 minute.
2 minutes.
I counted in my head to not think about anything.
1 hour.
2 hours.
Time seemed to be extremely long and I didn't even know how much time passed.
I just... sat in a high back chair, put my head on my knees and closed my eyes to prevent myself from tearing up.
I always kept my face emotionless, but I was not heartless.
I... was always self-centered and kept a childish personality, because, like that, it was easier to talk to myself, but the truth is that I was always alone.
The truth is that I only had myself to talk to.
Being self-centered prevents you from getting hurt, and being childish gives you yourself as a friend.
I always had a bad memory, but maybe it's because of this ?
Time passes by while you forget that it passes by right after.
It's not like I want to remember it anyway...
However, you can forget anything but it will never erase the loneliness in your heart.
I am used to watching others, shut up and act as if I only exist when others have problems.
When I am having a panic attack, I am used to make jokes in my head and think of whatever I can put my hand on to avoid thinking that I'm sad.
I am used to making monologues, being the only time when others let you speak is when they aren't listening or when they aren't there.
I am used to tell myself that I don't care and that everything is fine everyday, even if I know that the only reason why someone could need to repeat this to themselves is because they are not alright. If only lies could become truths, everything would be better.
Still, I'm alright, okay ? Everything is alright, so I'm alright too.
But, the truth is that I'm scared. Whoever it is, I am not even asking you to become my friend or to talk to me.
I don't know how much time passed while I was trying to stop thinking.
A tear fell.
« I'm alright. » I murmured.
Please, don't let me alone.
—————— I am the dividing line~
Still Miss Devil's point of view :
When I opened my eyes once again, I instinctively felt that something was wrong.
Someone appeared above the gray fog.
His soul was similar to Mr. Fool's (but less tired) but his appearance was wrong.
When the person that appears in front of you is obviously a man (or he should be ?) but is wearing a dress and has long red hair, green eyes and a pretty face, there is something wrong. (#redhairedHelaine)
I think ?
While my mind was in denial because he COULDN'T be Mr. Fool, I realized something.
Wait, is that not the guy that killed pirates, humiliated a blonde-haired pirate many times and was kidnapped by the person which gave me monocles' ptsd ? This (wo)man is Mr. World !
Huh, is that why there are girls on one side, boys on the other and Mr. World at the end of the long mottled table ? I see...
So, where is Mr. Fool ? Because this Mr. World obviously can't see me...
That's how I came to observe Mr. World through the red stars.
Hmm. So Mr. World harassing Danitz, harassing Danitz, being cool, harassing Danitz again, oh and courting death... Is that really the same person that came above the gray fog dressed as a woman ?
While Mr. Fool was nowhere in sight, Mr. World came above the fog once again, sat in The Fool's seat, made a trumpet appear at the other end of the long mottled table and convened a gathering.
Huh ?
Who I am ? Where am I ? What's happening ? Weren't you Mr. World ?
And so, I watched him.
I watched him drink potions and advance, I watched him learn high-ranking knowledge, I watched him be lonely and I watched him die.
« ... »
Why... is there nobody to help him ?
Why... does he have to face all that alone ?
Why is it him ? And not...
I asked myself questions until I was sleepy then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
When I opened them again, I assisted at the first meeting of the Tarot Club convened by Mr. World.
Strange, wasn't he dead ?
At some lives, Mr. Fool convened the Tarot gathering, at others, He only fused with the fog and let Mr. World repeat the same life and die. But, what I am sure of is that, every time Mr. World died, Mr. Fool disappeared too and I fell asleep not too long after. Sometimes, Mr. World didn't die but Mr. Fool still disappeared, as if it was fated to happen... I felt like I was approaching the truth of what happening but I decided to not think about it.
At least, Mr. Fool can see me and Mr. World can't. That's the only thing I need to know.
—————— I am the dividing line~
Mr. Fool's point of view :
One day, Miss Devil asked :
« So, you're watching this in live, right ? Then, why is it not in a chronological order ? »
Huh. No, that's just you that wakes up at a different for each round. And, why is it not in a chronological order ? Weren't you awake most of the time ? (The truth : Miss Devil forgot what was the chronological order and was confused by sometimes waking up at Gehrman's life, Sherlock's life or Klein's life ; what's more, when Mr. Fool intervenes the timeline changes and she can't put the pieces together -> Miss Devil gave up thinking.)
So, as the kind and generous Mr. Fool, I explained to this crazy girl :
« Imagine that there is Zhou Mingrui number 1. Number 1 pretends to be Mr. Fool, lives his life and die. After dying, he still retains his memories, becomes Number 2 and is sent back to the moment when Number 1 (his past self) first appeared. So, Number 2 coexists with Number 1 in the same timeline then Number 2 dies. He is sent back and still retains his memories and becomes Number 3. So, Number 3 (that is living his third life) and Number 1 coexist together in the same timeline. As you understood, Number 3 which is a regressor, is me, except that I have lived far more lives until now, and Number 1 is my past self from my first life that never retains his memories and repeatedly dies if left alone. I have tried everything but this cycle never end. »
Miss Devil seemed to understand something, wrote it down and said :
« So, your name is Zhou Mingrui and Mr. Fool is indeed a recuperating ancient god ? »
Is that really what you understood ?
« Somehow. » I sighed.
« I see... But, did you try to kidnap Mr. World above the fog until the end of the round ? »
« Yes. »
« Wow. That's ruthless. »
You just had the same idea, though ?
I added : « Yes, I let him die. Yes, I tried to see what happened if I helped survive until the end but that still didn't work. I tried to pretend to be him to save all my friends (which wasn't hard since it is still myself) and I tried to tell him everything that would happen in advance. I even tried to kill myself and many other things but that still didn't work since, as you can see, I am still standing here right now. »
« So you killed yourself, huh. »
Are you at least listening ?
« You're very suited for the Hunter pathway. »
She ignored me and continued writing on the notebook I gave her.
—————— I am the dividing line~
Miss Devil's point of view :
« You're very suited for the Hunter pathway. »
Well, if Beyonders from the Hunter pathway are a group of people asking to die (each time they open their mouths, #muteAnderson), then yes.
I wrote what he said in my notebook.
So, we passed countless rounds together, observed Mr. World, learned to know each other and became friends.
I am friends with a true deity/regressor and that's perfectly normal.
Maybe.
Sometimes Mr. Fool fused with the fog for an entire round to let Mr. World play The Fool's role (and only appeared to talk to me which is clearly favoritism, thanks), and sometimes Mr. Fool would create me a physical body with the gray fog to let me roam around the real world.
Of course, nobody could see or hear me (since I am only fog, you know) but it was still (somehow) interesting, (when you have nothing to do for years, everything is interesting...).
I could be a passerby, staring at a god drinking tea in their kingdom of god (why is every god drinking tea ? Don't you have anything better to do like answering the prayers of your believers ? Even Mr. Fool drinks sweet iced tea, aren't you bored ?), I could be a cloud or I could be following members of the Tarot Club (so I am a stalker, okay...).
Mr. Fool also seemed to begin to research something.
Strange, didn't you give up stopping this cycle ? Don't you already know everything by now ? Then what are you researching ? I can't help but think that, if I had asked you that question... would everything still be the same ? Could we have continued to be friends ?
But I didn't ask.
So I couldn't have known...
That was my worst mistake.
Now, it's time to speak about the last time I spoke with Mr. Fool before everything changed...
Even the beginning of the conversation was ominous, look :
« I have something to say. »
When I heard that, I must have felt the same thing my father felt when I say that I have an idea.
I gulped.
« Yes ? »
Unfortunately, the atmosphere soon became serious.
« I found a way for you to interact with the outside world. »
However, everything has a price, right ? That was something that I knew far too well.
« However... » He continued.
He had already made the decision to do it but the price I had to pay wasn't something I could bear.
That was the first time I cried in front of Mr. Fool. But even then, my expression did not change.
« At least, give me a name. » I begged.
——
Miss Devil's point of view (her name will arrive soon !) :
If only I didn't descend onto the real world to play and told you that I wanted to stay by your side instead, would everything have been different then ?
« I found a way for you to interact with the outside world. »
One day, you said : Every gift of fate is marked with prices.
You know, all this time, I was happy. I was glad only because you remembered me, and I remembered you.
So, when I heard the next sentence, I just closed my eyes.
« However, He continued, I must erase all my memories of you. »
So, you will forget me ?
Why ?
I was scared.
« So, you must promise me to remember me. »
Of course I was scared.
I don't make promises.
Because, I really wasn't sure that I would be able to remember you.
So, I lied.
I smiled and said : « Of course. »
A sweet white and beautiful lie.
But I don't like lying.
« But... » I continued.
That was the first time I cried in front of Mr. Fool. But even then, my expression did not change.
« At least, give me a name. » I begged.
With a radiant smile on my face, a tear fell on the floor. Oh my, I was always a crybaby.
I did not wipe my eyes and continued to stare at Mr. Floor, waiting and knowing very well that the fog made him unable to know that I was crying.
I became able to hear his thoughts once again, maybe it would be the last time.
« Xin Jian. Your name will be Xin Jian. » He murmured. "It means heart and key, together it means the key to the heart."
Then, he threw me off the fog, and when I opened my eyes I immediately realized that I could interact with the outside world.
And I could only continue to show a bitter smile.
So I repeated my new name in my heart until I could finish carving it on my hand.
When I say that I have a bad memory, it's not really the case : I have a QI above average and an amazingly good short term memory, I am just too lazy to think ; I also have an attention far better than the average person, it's just that I'm always distracted. No, what I mean by that is that my long term memory practically doesn't exist.
If I don't wish to remember something (either consciously or subconsciously), I won't remember it. However, I am too distracted to wish to remember everything I see and too dull to have enough feelings to subconsciously wish to remember something, even if I really want to remember it. In short, what I really don't want to remember is automatically saved in my brain because I felt someone and what I want to remember can disappear when I am not paying attention because I don't have enough desire to remember it.
In the end, everything I save in my memory can't be remembered at long term because it depends on non-existent feelings.
But I don't care.
In truth, I always wished to lose my memory. I wanted to hurt my head on something and forget everything that was left. I really wanted it until the day that someone made me notice something...
I thought I could keep track of everything that I forgot by digging in my memory to find the holes, but it seemed that it wasn't possible.
There was a place where I really hated to go. I thought that I knew the reason why I went there in my childhood and didn't notice anything wrong with it. But suddenly, they told me I was wrong, and that I went there for a reason than I remembered. I thought that what they said was nonsense and tried very hard to recall what they were telling me.
I couldn't do it.
Instead, I discovered something terrifying.
To me, my memory looks like a red string composed of a lot of flying pictures.
I just pull on it every time I try to find something while ignoring the big black holes I'm passing by.
Do you want to know something funny ?
These big black holes in my memory are the big periods of time that I can't remember.
And I thought that wasn't a big deal since the flying pictures still told me what important things happened during these times.
I was wrong.
When we can't remember something, sometimes our own brain tampers with our memory to fill in the blanks. You know ? It's like when you remember the wrong name.
It means that all this time, my brain made up a false reason to hide the fact that I didn't remember that I fell into depression.
If they didn't talk about it, I never have noticed it and even when they talked about it, I couldn't remember it.
When I realized this, I was scared.
It wasn't because what was forgotten was very important, no, it's because I thought that someone important to me could be erased from my memory in the same manner. After all, I had already forgotten the existence of many people that those around me said I knew, so it wasn't impossible.
That is why, Mr. Fool, I am reeeally not confident.
Because the fact that, one day, I could forget your existence and never notice it !
Because my memories are vague enough to think that everything was only a dream...
Because there isn't any proof of all of our moments together...
I looked at my empty hand. All notes I had taken must have already disappeared...
I raised my head to try to look above the clouds so that maybe I could see above the gray fog that familiar figure with whom I passed the last few centuries. I didn't notice the tears that continued to roll down my cheeks and, with an emotionless voice, I said bitterly :
« You told me to remember you, but... What was your honorific name, again ? »
At that moment, I was really not sure that we could see each other ever again, and that made me very scared.
But, really, I don't care...
Right ?
I fell asleep on the dirty mud while it began to rain.
Next morning :
What the hell ? What am I doing here drenched with my clothes so dirty ? That's disgusting ! What's more, I will catch a cold at this rate. I should begin by searching Klein, no, asking for the date. No, the date won't help me in any way, let's just search Tingen first, or else...
I lowered my head and chucked bitterly.
Or else, I will be all alone... forever...
—————— I am the dividing line~
Klein woke up and found a revolver in front of him.
He looked around and found out that he was in a place he didn't know.
He finally saw the crimson moon and an unfamiliar person in the mirror.
Then, he panicked (a little).
If he didn't have an excruciating headache right now, then he would have suspected that he was dreaming.
When it calmed down, memories began to flood into his mind, memories of the previous owner of his body.
He could then read what was written in the notebook in front of him :
"Everyone will die. Including me."
He the (in)explicable felt horrified.
He then realized that his family was too poor to buy a revolver and remarked that his head was bleeding.
There was a bullet hole in his temple !
So, he examined his wound and cleaned up the scene.
If Xin Jian was there, she would have inwardly confirmed that crimes were normal in this world (which is not the case).
Then, "Klein" (newly arrived Zhou Mingrui) confirmed that the wound was caused by a revolver and began to wonder whether it was a suicide or not.
He then realized that he should have "transmigrated" because of his "luck enhancement ritual".
Then Melissa arrived and "Klein" when to buy bread and encountered a circus.
Xin Jian's point of view :
After walking for an unknown amount of time, I collapsed on the ground, tired.
During this time, I discovered that I didn't speak Loenese.
More correctly, Mr. Fool and the Evernight goddess always spoke or translated everything to me in English so I didn't notice that they were speaking in a different language until now (and in truth I am French !).
So, I changed my plans and went to harass the hidden sage.
With my natural talent to anger people he easily passed on a lot of useless information to me until I could speak Loenese then I played dead to make him leave.
That's the first time I learnt that that bastard could be useful, I'm so surprised !
Well, I was still lying on the ground...
Then, I was picked up by a circus that took me for a beggar and invited me to join them.
Well, technically, I AM a beggar.
Luckily for me, the circus had to pass by Tingen and I discovered that I already passed by the city many times.
Ugh. That's so lame...
I met a female trainer which taught me many tricks with cards.
Then, we passed by a sign that I saw many times through the red star.
Tingen, here I am.