C39: Sasha

[ Wednesday, January 11 ]

Keith's name flashed on my phone screen as I turn off the alarm. The alarm clock on the bedside table flashes 6:49 am and normally, it rings at 7 am. However, the alarm that I set on my phone is 15 minutes advanced to the alarm clock, just in case any of the two won't work. I always avoid getting late in my 9 am class.

Keith sent me a long detailed message, informing me about my mother. Honestly, it's a weird thing to think about that even though Keith isn't my relative or even my biological mother, he really tries hard to make a way just to help us fix our mother-daughter relationship.

Last month, mom told me everything when we were alone. She told me everything that I had to know – the agreement about them keeping me as their daughter, as well as the same story that Keith told me about my biological mother. I have no idea on who my biological father is, but my mother's been pregnant that time and married a Japanese man who committed suicide after knowing about me. I had a half-sister but died two years later after she was born. I truly appreciate that Keith's helping me on this even if he has nothing to do with my life.

I am aware that Mina, my biological mother, is a dying person. Up to this point, we haven't met because last time, I said I wasn't ready. Now that I am, we would. What am I supposed to feel about this? Should I be excited? Angry? Happy? How should I react when I see her? Should I hug her? Kiss her? Should I tell her that I'm confused up to this day?

Not that I know.

I went to our city's playground just as Keith said, for that was the place requested by my mother.

Honestly, it still feels weird to consider or call her mother, because it feels like calling a stranger that. Something that is basically true, for I never talked to her formally.

With every step closer, my heartbeat rises in number, beating like a drum inside my chest. The playground was abandoned, except for one wavy-haired woman sitting in one of the swings. Her swing is still, her feet fixed on the ground. Her eyes are focused on her feet, but I see that her spirit is dead. I can't sense any positive energy but sadness and weakness alone.

I walked towards her and the moment I reached the swing area, I sat next to her on the other swing hanging. Mina's attention was drawn to me, her eyes started pooling with tears. I pressed my lips together and broke eye contact, unsure on how to respond.

I don't know what to feel. This woman threw me away like some kind of garbage many years back and now, she wants this garbage, me, back? Does she want to see the thing that she threw away many years ago? I just don't understand why, and I don't want to. Because whether she's regretful or not, she still did it. I would've understood if I knew about her earlier, but no, that's not the case.

"Hana," she said as she covered her lips with her hands and broke down to tears. She stood up from the swing that she was sitting on and walked towards me. I looked up to her, unsure of how to react or what to say.

"It's … it's really you, Hana." She added, her voice shaking. I avoided her gaze, but her voice pinched part of my heart which made it feel like bleeding. What is this feeling? I don't get it.

"We both know that I'm not Hana, but Sasha." Saying those words makes me think if I really wanted to be a Monteverde in the first place. Jasmine and Gabriel raised me to the person I am now, however, they still kept the truth from me for 19 long years.

"R-Right, of course, S-Sasha …" Mina stuttered when she said my present name as if it was a slap on her face that Hana is gone.

"I don't really know how to make this work. Let's be straight to the point, shall we? Why did you throw me away just like that?" the heaviness of my words instantly sent a wave that swept through my entire body, making my knees feel weak.

"I … I didn't want to. I married a Japanese man who happened to find out that you're not his child. At first, the three of us lived together. But when you turned one-year-old, I told him the truth. He said that if I won't get rid of you, he'll divorce me and throw me back here. When I went back here to find a person who can adopt you, I was pregnant with Sora's child. Jasmine was my friend, so I gave you to her. So, you grew up as Sasha Monteverde instead of Hana. When I went back to Japan after giving you to Jasmine, Sora's already dead because he hanged himself because of depression. Then, I gave birth to Sara a few months after his death but her body was too weak, she died eventually."

Just like what Keith said. Now that I heard the story, what now? Should I throw my arms on her shoulders and cry hard? How can I not know what to feel? She answered my question, yet, I keep on asking why. Isn't it funny? I was thrown away like garbage in a dramatic way, raised by liars, bullied in school, couldn't be loved back by the person I love – although the positive side is, I already accepted that Vaughn isn't for me and never will, as well as the good thing where Summer,

Amethyst and I are getting along well because we finally grew matured enough to understand each other's differences.

Still, the highlights of my life are almost negative. If it weren't for Keith, I'd feel more alone. But meeting someone like him is such a blessing, for we have similar dramas in life.

I snapped back to reality and looked up to my biological mother whose pale and tears are running down her cheeks. She gave me a sad smile and eventually pressed her lips together and nothing else but a mixture of happiness and regret can be seen in her facial expression, especially her eyes. I feel bad for her, but I'd be lying if I'll say that I already accepted her excuses. My hand curled into a fist, shaking and cold. I don't want to cry. I don't want to add another set of drama. If I will, I doubt that it'll be because of sadness, but rage.

"Can you … let me hug you, Sasha?" she said, stuttering and hesitant. She reached for my face but I slapped her hand away from me even without thinking.

"Don't touch me," I gulped as I said those words that'll surely break her heart even more.

Since when did I become a good person? All this time, I already know that I'm not a good girl and I'm someone hateful that is useless in the society. I almost felt no love from almost anyone, and I feel nothing but useless. No words can even describe how much I hate existing. Yet, I know that taking my own life isn't the key to feel better. I need to adjust and do something and continue living.

I stood up from the swing and walked away from her and stopped when I was a few meters away from her. I'm too afraid to look back, and I can't even imagine doing that.

I just can't.

Tears started flowing from my eyes and what's hard is, even if I'm trying to stop them, it won't. My tears felt like it's a broken faucet that won't stop pouring water.

"I know that it's not easy to forgive because I neglected you for many years. I'm no longer expecting for you to forgive me, but I hope you can just allow me to see you, for my days are counted."

I looked back to her, my eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm in the final stage of having leukemia, and I no longer know how many days are left in my life. That's why I want to make the most out of this life, trying to fix the things that I should've fixed when I was still healthy. But it seems like it's too late."

As the words entered my ears, my heart sank. The words that mom told me – that Mina's a dying person – all sunk into me, sending shivers in my entire body. This made me realize that I'm a very unkind person. How can I be savage like earlier? How can I forget about that fact?

I. AM. SUCH. A. FOOL.

I turned my back, swallowing all my pride. It hurts to swallow my pride, but nothing else seems to matter this very moment but give her that person that she's been longing for to have before she turns the last page of her life.

Me.