Chp.33: I want to live!

Haku didn't feel his body roll on the ground, he didn't feel him slam against the ground, he didn't realize he was in an unnatural position. His sensitivity had completely disappeared, his muscles had atrophied, his breathing had stopped, his heartbeat became weaker by the second. His consciousness had become a tiny speck of light in the midst of the utter void, and was slowly fading as he was consumed by the darkness.

Haku felt as if he hadn't slept for weeks: a strange feeling of drowsiness was taking hold of him, but it wasn't the benign one that he gladly welcomed when he wanted to go to sleep, but a distorted, wrong, horribly deviated one. He was falling asleep, but his body seemed to be trying to fight back, as if it were aware that if he fell asleep he would never wake up again.

Haku fought to stay awake, but it was like trying to stem a river by throwing a stone into it. No matter how big the stone he threw was, the river would swell and overflow after just a few seconds, returning to its old riverbed. The current was always correcting itself, and was eating away at his mind piece by piece.

'So… that's what it means to die…' was one of the few thoughts he managed to formulate. 'It's like falling asleep... just... different'

The blackness continued to advance around him and it almost felt like it was taking on a shape, and monstrous paws and claws were grabbing at him, ripping off more pieces of his mind and scattering them into the void.

'It's... It's horrible... I... can't... breathe...' he thought. He could feel his organs shutting down one by one: first the diaphragm, then the lungs, then the liver, then the stomach, finally the heart. Very soon, the only thing left of his body that was active was his brain. Haku felt like he was having a heart attack, respiratory failure, and digestive system collapse all at once.

Was that what all the creatures he'd killed had felt? Probably not, since they'd died quickly with their necks broken or their skins severed by his claws or teeth... but maybe he too was dying in seconds, and all the time he was passing existed only in his mind...

He couldn't feel pain or wheezing. The darkness almost seemed to call him, inviting him to sleep, as if it were telling him that it would all be over... but something inside him prevented him from falling asleep completely, from surrendering... an ancestral fear, the terror of dying common to all all living beings...

'But fighting is useless. I… I'm dying' he realized in his mind, and he felt fear gripping him like a vice, and he tried in every way to push it away. 'No... it's useless to be afraid now... I can't change my fate now... it's useless...'

He was scared, but he was still a realist. He knew he couldn't survive. Continuing to fight was only delaying his demise…and making it more painful. 'It doesn't matter... that was how it had to end...' he thought trying to console himself. 'I should have died a long time ago... that was always my destiny...'

Haku knew he only survived up to that point because he had worked as a team with his siblings. He claimed to want to protect them, but in reality they had protected him. Alone, Haku wouldn't have gotten very far. His intelligence was useless without someone to help him survive in that unforgiving world. Without his siblings, he would have died at the hands of ogres, or fairies, or any other newcomers who crossed his path. He could never have caused a conflict between ogres and fairies, or convinced Sarpa to help him, or stolen much magical knowledge from the fairies, or amassed enough supplies, or slayed that cursed dragon who was their father. Alone... he would have died many months ago.

And yet he had had the arrogance to be able to command them. He had thought he was better than all of them. And he had messed everything up. It had gone exactly as Kotaru had told him, the same Kotaru that he had ignored like a good idiot: in the end, he had died alone.

'But at least they will live' he thought, thinking back to his siblings. 'They will live... they will go on without me... and the family will be united again... as it was meant to be from the beginning...'

Yes, his siblings were now safe. The hydra was dead, and his body placed next to the beast would have deflected the suspicions of humans or beastmen, who would never have thought that other dragons were present there. His siblings would go on, and reach the desert, and then the oasis. There they could finally live in peace... years of tranquility, where they could grow into strong dragons... and then they would spread their wings and take off for the ocean, and find an island to settle on..

They would always be together, all of them. Darbi, Kotaru, Rhaegal, Sisna, Tikka, Teramon, Keita, Kialandì, Serengal, Corgorin, Jatara, Finiar, Malchia, Maleficent, Maldor and Glausar: they would live together, happy and safe, far away from the newcomers. They would spend their days eating and drinking and playing some silly game that Darbi would invent… they would grow up surrounded by creatures they could trust and watching each other smile… and he would never have to live next to anyone instead they feared, and that in his eyes they would always see only shame and remorse for his previous and foolish actions...

'At least for the last time... I protected them' she thought, but she couldn't feel the slightest satisfaction; on the contrary, he only felt a great sadness. 'Everything went well, didn't it? It ended well for everyone...'

His mind was jolted by different emotions: loneliness, fear, emptiness, anger. He couldn't find any positive feelings. And in the end he gave in: '... for everyone... except for me'

If he'd still had a chance to use his eyes, he'd have cried. Ai felt like he was a hatched puppy again, scared of everything around him. Even though he was only doing it in his mind, he rolled up and started sobbing.

He didn't want to die.

He didn't want to die!

HE DIDN'T WANT TO DIE!

He wanted to live, he wanted to spend more time with his family. He wanted to play with Darbi one of the games he would invent and laugh at his idiotic jokes. He wanted to be scolded by Kotaru every time he made a mistake. He wanted Tikka to call him terrible at socialising. He wanted Rhaegal to spend some time with him, even without talking, just together. He wanted to sleep next to each one of his sisters, he wanted to hunt with them, he wanted to find out what it was like to fly with them, he wanted to travel the world with them, he wanted... he wanted to live.

He wanted to wake up. He wanted to feel the touch of the wind again. He wanted to taste the meat. He wanted to smell the flowers. He wanted to hear the rustling of the leaves. He wanted to see the trees, the grass, the rocks, the animals, the stars. He wanted to watch the sun rise and set over the horizon and the moon illuminate the sky with its silver light. He wanted to see countless sunrises and sunsets that tinged the sky with a thousand colors, and he wanted to watch the stars appear one by one and fill the night sky with flickering lights. He wanted to be able to travel, see new things, discover new things.

He wanted to see the ocean. He wanted to know why sometimes the sky rained water and why it didn't. He wanted to know what generated lightning. He wanted to know exactly how combustion worked. He wanted to know how mana worked. He wanted to see all the animals and plants in the world. He wanted to find out what was hidden beneath the boundless ocean Ethan had described to him. He wanted to know why dragons and newcomers were so different. He wanted to know what gods were. He wanted to know what the sun, moon and stars were. He wanted to know why the world was so complex and varied. He wanted to know how the various existing creatures had come to be. He wanted to know the meaning of life. He wanted to know how it all began to exist. He wanted to fly across the sky and see the clouds up close. He wanted to fly to the top of a mountain and know what it felt like to be that high. He wanted to know how magic worked. He wanted... he wanted a lot of things, and now he would have had none of that.

In the stories of newcomers, sacrificing for others was a good thing. A heroic thing. But that wasn't true. Total bullshit. Haku loved his siblings and would definitely do it again if he had to, but dying was still awful. There was no consolation, no relief: just the awful knowledge that his brain was shutting down and would never turn back on again. He was there, and suddenly he would be gone. That meant dying… and it was awful. Haku didn't want to die, he didn't want to miss out on all the wonderful things he wanted to do. He didn't care what was on the other side, if what he found would be better, he wanted to live in that unforgiving world where he had always lived, over and over again!

"But you won't be able to do it anymore". For the umpteenth time, his parents' voices were heard. "You have chosen the path of mercy, and this is the result! You are a disappointment, son... you who could have saved yourself so many times, you have chosen to die! Pathetic! You are unworthy of calling yourself a dragon!"

Haku felt a strange sensation when he heard those words, and the worst thing was that a part of him seemed to agree with his parents. But the rest of his mind, the rational part, knew they were wrong. And so he screamed in his mind: "If I disappointed you, then I couldn't be happier! Because at least I didn't live the way you wanted! At least, I died helping my family!". His mind shook. "And even though I hate the thought of dying… I would do it again. They will defeat this unforgiving world. They will live, while you won't!"

His parents roared in fury, and for a moment Haku felt fear, fearing that at any moment they would emerge from the blackness and bite him. But instead, drowning out their beastly cries, another voice came from the darkness that surrounded him: "Haku, why are you giving up?"

"What... Rhaegal?" Haku murmured.

"You promised me you wouldn't give up until the end. Why aren't you fighting now? Why are you acting like you've already lost?". Rhaegal's voice was reproachful. "Get up. What are you waiting for? If the way you're fighting has failed, then find another way! You're smart, you can do it!"

"I... I can't..." Haku sobbed. "He's too strong... I can't... I can't... I'm too weak... I'm doomed..."

"Is that what your promise is worth, then? Are you so little of a dragon that you don't keep even an oath!?". Rhaegal's voice became more insistent. "You're only doomed if you believe it. Stop believing you have no chance! Get up!"

Suddenly, a figure formed in the darkness. A silvery figure, resembling a huge horned lizard. It was Rhaegal, staring at him with hard eyes. "Our family will never be complete without you, remember?" he asked. "GET UP!"

More figures began to form behind him. More dragons emerged from the darkness. "Remember what I told you, Haku? There is no hope only if you decide there is no hope" Kotaru said.

"Come on, brother, get up. We can get the family together again, and then we'll all play together!" Darbi laughed.

"We're still angry with you, but we'll find a way" Sisna said.

"Don't worry if you suck at socializing, I'll teach you to understand other people's feelings" Tikka said.

"And then you will teach us new hunting techniques!" Teramon said.

"And stalking!" Corgorin added.

"And attacking!" Jatara said.

"And ways to rip off newcomers!" Finiar said.

"And of course to kill them!" Malchia added in the end.

"Our journey is still long. You can't leave like this!" Serengal shouted.

"We have to build a house together, don't we?" Maldor asked rhetorically.

"Where we can rest easy! At the oasis we can play in the water every day!" Maleficent laughed.

"Not to mention hide and seek! It will be fun to do it in the dunes!" Glausar added.

"Maybe we'll find new things to hunt, and we'll need you!" Keita said.

"Or something that will threaten us. We'll need your brain!" Kialandi added.

The sixteen dragons' voices merged into one: "Come on, Haku! Don't give up! Get up!"

Those words activated something in the back of Haku's mind. They were right: the game wasn't over, so why was he giving up? He was in a desperate situation, sure, but he'd been in a desperate situation before. Why was he so compliant now? He didn't want to die! He would have fought to live!

A small flash illuminated the darkness; what had become a tiny candle exploded with the light of thousands of suns. The darkness withdrew, but it continued to crush him. Haku knew he couldn't win a battle against the darkness outside... but maybe he could win a battle inside.

Dragons were the best predators in the world. They were the top of the top of all animal life. They must have had a method to save themselves even in situations like that! He dug into the depths of his mind, there into his ancestral and bestial instincts, and then he found it. He'd been too busy feeling sorry for himself to notice it before, but now he wanted to fight, and he'd finally figured out how! There was a way, rooted in his dragon nature, to survive even when all his internal organs shut down.

After a few moments, his consciousness began to shut down again, but not from the enormous pressure the darkness exerted on it; it was shutting down because it wanted to. Haku prepared to fall asleep, in a sleep that he knew would save him, and whispered: "Wait for me, brothers and sisters. I'll join you as soon as I wake up"

After that, his consciousness died out completely, and the blackness occupied every corner of his mind.