Chp.17: How to establish who is a killer?

Haku walked over to his bed and Misune followed without saying a word. The half-elf seemed to move more automatically than by her own will, and her body was visibly shaking. Her breathing was labored and her heartbeats were at such a level that for a moment Haku feared that her heart would burst at any moment.

He knew what was going on. He'd seen this happen before with Rhaegal, when he'd kept hitting their dead father long after they'd killed him. Misune had done the same thing to Anur. Haku had recognized it: those vengeful eyes, that uncontainable fury, the continuous raging on an already dead body for no reason. It was just like with Rhaegal: a desperate attempt to silence the pain in her heart by beating up on her tormentor.

Haku began to doubt his choice. Before, he hadn't thought through the consequences of giving Misune the chance to kill Anur. He was convinced that revenge would help her recover. Instead it seemed that he had done everything wrong: perhaps he had made things worse rather than better. Killing your opponent and ravaging his body wasn't a way to make the pain go away, it was just a distraction that could make things worse.

Haku felt a little guilty. He should have thought about it: he had the advantage of experience, since he had already been through a similar situation with his brother. He had no excuse for not considering that detail.

Wait... why was he feeling bad for her? It didn't make sense. He had never felt the slightest affection for the half-elf, and he had often even forgotten that she existed. Why was he now so worried about her mental health? Why had he reacted like that after finding out what had happened? He couldn't understand it. Maybe staying with the newcomers for so long was making him endear themselves to them? Yet thinking about it he realized that he would still kill Misune without any concern if it was necessary, and yet he was worrying about her. They were completely opposite feelings, but for some reason they coexisted in his heart.

Haku didn't know how to interpret her emotions. With feelings, his infallible logic was powerless. His siblings were right when they said he sucked at understanding other people's emotions, and apparently even for his own was the same.

In any case, that wasn't the important thing at the moment. Once he reached his bed he sat on it, then he ordered: "Misune, give me that sting"

The half-elf looked down and seemed to realize only then that she still held the sting in her hand. She was squeezing it so tightly that her fingers were turning white. She reached out to give it back to Haku, but then she couldn't do anything else: her fingers didn't open. Haku could see from Misune's look that she was trying to command her hand to let go of the sting, but it wasn't listening. Her subconscious didn't want to part with her only weapon.

It was just like with Rhaegal. The more Haku looked at the slave girl, the more he noticed the similarities between her and his brother. Even Rhaegal, after they'd killed their father, had been unable to let his guard down for a while. When the dragons were calm they closed their mouths and relaxed their claws; on the contrary, after they had killed their father Rhaegal had kept his teeth and claws in full view, as if he was ready to attack at the slightest sign of threat. And now Misune was in the same situation: even if she wanted to, her body refused to let go of the sting that could defend her.

'She's in much worse shape than I thought...' Haku thought, then he approached the slave girl. Misune backed away and her breathing quickened, clearly fearing that Haku meant to hurt her. But the dragon reassured her: "Be calm. I won't hurt you" he said, and then his claws touched the half-elf's fingers and began to detach them from the sting one by one.

It wasn't an easy operation: Haku's claws were as big as Misune's hand and sharper than any knife, and if the dragon wasn't careful he could have cut off her fingers in an instant. But very gently and very patiently, the slave's hand finally opened fully and the sting fell to the floor with a clatter. Haku took it and put it in his dimensional bag: he didn't have time to hang it on the wall and he didn't want to risk that he or Misune accidentally stung themselves by leaving it around.

"Now sit down, and hold this" he said as he handed her a rag. "You need to clean up"

Misune gripped the rag with trembling hands. "Do I... do I have it on my face too?" she asked referring to the blood.

Haku nodded. "Yes. Clean it now, before it dries"

The slave girl let out a sob, but then she closed her eyes and began to wipe her face and hands with the rag. In a few moments the rag turned red. When Misune looked at it, she nearly vomited; she put a hand over her mouth to hold back, but she didn't realize that some of her fingers were still bloody, and she almost passed out when she felt the taste in her mouth. Summoning all of her self-control, she continued to cleanse herself until most of the blood was no longer on her. As for the clothes, which had stains of the red liquid everywhere… she would probably burn them and get more as soon as she had the chance.

When he was done, Haku took the rag back and put it away. It should have been rinsed, but at the moment he didn't want to ask Misune to do it. And now, what was he to do? He didn't know how to console people. He'd done it with Darbi, Rhaegal, and many of his sisters… but he'd never done it with a newcomer. And he wasn't exactly good at understanding other people's feelings. He didn't know what to say or what could make the situation worse or better.

In the end he tried a detached approach: "I suggest you sleep. You can sleep here tonight if you wish. No one else will dare touch you as long as you are next to me. You shouldn't..."

He couldn't say anything else: Misune started shaking violently and curled up on herself, and for a moment Haku feared she was having an epileptic fit. "I... I killed him!" Misune exclaimed. "I... killed... a person! I killed... I killed... I'm... I'm a murderer now... I'm damned... I'm a monster..."

"Hey, calm down! You sure aren't a monster for killing that worm! I've..." he was about to say 'I've killed a lot more people', but he knew using himself as an example would be counterproductive given the opinion that newcomers had of him. "Look at it like this: he was the monster. You eliminated the monster"

"N-No! It was a person!" Misune nearly screamed. She seemed to have completely forgotten who she was talking to: normally she would never use that tone in front of Haku, and she certainly would never contradict him. "I killed a person... my hands were full of his blood... and... and...". The half-elf ran her hands through her hair as if she wanted to tear it out. "And I liked it! I felt nothing but joy doing it! And even now, I don't feel the slightest displeasure! I would do it again... I would do it again... oh, gods... I'll be damned..."

"MISUNE, BREATHE!" Haku roared, his tone so authoritative that the half-elf's body stopped shaking for a moment. Misune followed her order and started taking deep breaths. This continued for a few minutes, and finally her body relaxed and she seemed to regain some sanity.

Haku looked at her as she calmed down. It seemed that reassuring her would be more difficult than expected. With his siblings it had been easier… but for dragons kill was an easy action, even with their own kind. For newcomers it wasn't like that: killing another person was a traumatic event for them, at least the first time. It was something that deeply marked their psyche. Haku had to find a way to justify Misune's act, or she could lose her mind completely. "Answer this question: did he hurt you?"

Misune's body shook again, and some tears flowed from her eyes. "Y... Yes..."

"And would he do it again?"

"M... Maybe..."

"So you had every right to kill him. He was a threat to you, and threats must be eliminated. It's stupid to let a predator free, knowing that he could attack you at any moment"

Misune felt something change in her. Up until now a weight had rested on her heart, but suddenly it seemed to have gotten lighter. "Yes, but... he couldn't defend himself... he said... he would leave me alone... and he was scared of you..."

"Really? Good. So here's another question: that worm would surely have left you alone, he wasn't stupid after all… but would something have stopped him from hurting anyone else?"

"No..."

"So you saved people. You kept him from doing to other slaves the same thing he did to you. You protected yourself and you protected them. That makes your action right"

The weight on Misune's heart grew lighter as she listened to the dragon's words. Her breathing was returning to normal levels, her heart rate was slowing down, and she had even stopped crying. "But... I liked it... I felt pleasure when I killed him... this shouldn't happen... only killers take pleasure in killing..."

"That's a complete lie. I don't know who invented it, but he sure had no idea what he was talking about" Haku grumbled. "Everyone feels pleasure when they kill someone. The predator is happy when it kills its prey. The warrior is proud, even for an instant, when he strikes down the enemy. An offended person rejoices when he takes revenge on his tormentor. It isn't established whether someone is a murderer or not with the approval rating, because in that case everyone would be a murderer"

Misune looked confused and scared. "And then... how is it established?" he whispered. Haku wondered if maybe he was questioning everything she believed in.

Technically, he didn't know what answer to give her, so he used the simplest one: "Looking at whether or not it was right to kill. If it wasn't, then it's murder. If it was, then it's not murder, but it's self-defense, causes force majeure or whatever you newcomers call it"

That was the only explanation he could give, since it was the lifestyle he'd grown up with. Killing other creatures was okay as long as they posed danger or food was needed. Haku had always lived by that precept. Conversely, killing something just for fun would have been wrong: after all, in that way the fool who did so would have diminished the number of prey, and in the long run his territory would have become devoid of food. It was necessary to respect the natural balance, and the best way to do it was to kill only to eat and defense. In fact, Haku had never killed anyone for fun, but only to eat (including fairies and ogres) and to defend himself (which also included obtaining information, causing wars where necessary, and so on).

Misune looked much calmer now. Evidently Haku's words had taken effect. She'd killed Anur because he'd hurt her and because he was a danger to her and others, so technically she'd done it to protect herself and others. It was a bit of a twisted moral, and it clashed with a lot of the teachings she'd received… but it seemed doable.

As for getting pleasure… so what? Why did it have to be a problem? The bastard had hurt her, done something unspeakable to her. Wasn't it right to enjoy killing him, if indeed everyone enjoyed killing?

Haku was relieved to see that she seemed to understand his point of view. He wasn't very good at understanding other people's feelings, but he sure was good with words. "See? You didn't do anything wrong, you just punished a disgusting worm" he said, pointing to his bed. "Come to sleep now. When you wake up you will feel better"

Normally Misune would never even touch the dragon's couch, since it was made from the skin of gladiators, but right now she didn't even think about it. She was terribly tired, her body still ached, and she just wanted to close her eyes and forget about everything and everyone. Also, she knew that she wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully if she were away from the dragon, since only in his presence she felt safe. So she got into the bed and curled up next to a ten meter long lizard, and within seconds, fatigue got the better of her and she fell asleep.

Haku waited for her to fall asleep, then rested his head on the floor and closed his eyes too. It had been truly a night full of emotions, and he was sure the following day would have been even more.