Chp.23: Confessions between sisters

Maldor and Kotaru entered their lodgings; as soon as they were inside, Kotaru locked the door and put the key in her pocket, and then she turned to her sister with a stern look and her arms crossed. "Maldor, what are you doing?"

Maldor didn't know what to answer. In fact, she didn't even understand what Kotaru was talking about. "What are you saying? I am doing nothing"

"Really? Then how come you keep fraternizing with that human?" Kotaru asked raising an eyebrow. "Do you really think I'm stupid enough to believe the tall tale that you're only doing it to keep up appearances?"

"What are you insinuating? We were just talking!" Maldor exclaimed blushing.

Kotaru shook her head. "Maldor, we've literally spent every moment of our lives together. I can tell when you're genuinely laughing and when you're pretending"

"Isaac is funny, okay? What's the problem in laughing at his jokes?" Maldor said even more aggressively.

"Maldor, how much longer are you going to deny reality!?" Kotaru snapped angrily. "I've been watching you since we've been here at the academy. I've seen you smile, laugh, joke with your students, with your other teachers, and especially with that particular human, in a way that you normally only used with me or with our brothers and sisters! I know you like it here, don't try to deny it. I thought it was just a passing situation, but you continued! So I ask you again: what are you doing!?"

Maldor had turned red as a pepper. She was so angry that for an instant she lost concentration and the illusion that made her avatar look like a human female faded slightly. "Yes, it's fine, I was having fun with him! Well, I admitted it, are you happy!?" she exclaimed. "So what? I can't have a friend?"

"A friend? Sister, do you listen to yourself when you speak?" Kotaru said. "If you really think that human is your friend, then I can already hear the sound of your little heart breaking! We both know that's not true, and that whatever you two have built is based only on a lie!"

"There's no lie! We love spending time together and we're both honest about it!" Maldor retorted.

Kotaru seemed about to explode. "No lie? Maldor, did you remember what you are and what he is? That human is being nice to you because he believes you are something you aren't! Everything he knows about you is false, even your surname! How do you think he would react if he found out the truth? We both know it would end in a bloodbath!"

Maldor felt a horrible sensation form in her throat. It was as if a clawed hand was gripping her trachea. "Isaac doesn't..."

"What? Wouldn't he try to kill you as soon as he saw your true appearance? Would he still trust you? Would he still want to be your friend!?" Kotaru was almost screaming. "Sister, try to use your brain! You will only hurt yourself if you believe in this fantasy!"

The choking sensation grew stronger, so that Maldor almost tried to gasp for air. Which was odd, since her avatar didn't technically have functioning lungs. "It's not a..."

"Yes, Maldor, it's a fantasy! It's not real! None of this is real!" This time Kotaru was really screaming. "The more you grow attached to that human, the more terrible the moment he discovers the truth will be! There's a reason why after a year Rhaegal, Corgorin and Serengal have done everything to avoid becoming too attached to the humans they have to work with! And you should do the same! This isn't friendship, it's just a deception! And if you convince yourself that this deception is real, then all you will get is despair and sadness, nothing more! There can be no friendship between us and them! So stop letting Isaac enter into your heart! I know it's a good feeling, but it's bound to get horrible! He's a newcomer, you're a dragon!"

"WELL, MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE A DRAGON ANYMORE!" Maldor yelled suddenly, so loud that the windows shook slightly, and involuntarily she punched the wall with such force that several cracks opened on it.

Silence fell between the two. Kotaru was blanched and she looked like she had just seen a ghost. Maldor gasped for a few seconds, then she seemed to realize what she had just said and began to fidget. "S-Sister... sorry... I didn't mean... I...". She stammered for a few seconds, then she gave up. "I don't know what to say" she exclaimed, sitting down on the bed and sinking her face into her hands.

Kotaru stood staring at her for almost a minute, her words still echoing in her head. She had no idea how to react, she couldn't even believe what she had just heard. Hesitant, she tried to reach out to Maldor. "Sister..."

"I know it's all fake, okay? I'm not a moron, I know it!" Maldor exclaimed, jerking her head up. "But… at least for a while… it was beautiful to believe that it wasn't! I like to think this isn't fake, even though I know it is! Because I like this life! I like getting up in the morning and going to work, I like that people greet me in the hallways, I like teaching to my students, I like talking to the other teachers, I like having friends! Even though I know this will all be over soon, I want to enjoy it until the end!"

Kotaru had never seen her sister like this before. The only time she remembered seeing her so fragile was after they thought Haku was dead or after their mother kicked them off her territory. Not knowing what else to do, she put her hand on her shoulder and she tried to speak again: "Sister, listen..."

"I hate it! I hate that it's not real!" Maldor had no intention of quitting. "I… I feel a sense of pride when my students get good grades! I feel responsible when I teach them! I feel happy when someone asks me for advice or help! I feel sad and disappointed if one of them takes a bad grade! I feel satisfied when other teachers compliment me on the way I teach! I feel flattered when they call me to solve a problem because they know I'm better than them! And when I talk to Isaac, to my friend... I feel... I feel...". The words died in her throat. "In this place I discovered and felt a lot of emotions! Good, bad, I don't care! At least, for the first time, I was able to not feel fear, I was able to walk around this place without anyone running away from seeing me! I was here for just two months, and yet they were the happiest two months of my life!"

Kotaru noticed something. Something was forming in her sister's eyes. Even though her avatar's tear gas ducts were nearly dry, large drops of water were still dripping down her face. "Maldor... are you crying...?"

At that question, Maldor seemed to try to say something, but not a sound left her throat; very soon her body started shaking and then she was unable to hold back the sobs anymore. "I... I hate it! I don't want to go back to my old life! I don't want to leave this place!" she cried trying in vain to wipe away the tears that kept falling. "I don't have the strength to go back into hiding again and again, running away to unknown destinations, always waiting for someone to come and try to kill us! I don't want to go back... I don't want to go back to being a dragon! Every time I turn off the connection with my avatar and I go back to my real body to eat or to talk to our siblings, and by mistake I mirror myself in a puddle of water, I just want to rip my face off with my claws! I hate to see that scaly skin, those teeth, those horns! I hate to know that I'm a dragon and the whole world hates me! I don't want to be a dragon anymore!". She looked down at her trembling hands, as if she were staring down at treasure. "I... I want to keep having this smooth and rosy skin! I want to keep having this hair! I want to keep having this shape! I want to be a newcomer! I don't care who, I'd be okay to be anyone, even the most pathetic of the slaves, a poor homeless woman, an invalid, anyone! At least I won't have to hide! At least I'll be able to walk around without anyone attacking me or running out of my sight! At least I won't have to be careful not to be seen by anyone! At least I won't have to sleep with one eye half open all the time! At least... at least... at least I c-can have a l-life..."

At that point Maldor could no longer hold back: she threw herself completely on the bed and sank her head into the pillow, stifling a desperate scream, and then she resumed crying clutching the sheets as if they could give her some comfort. Kotaru looked at her wordlessly, her previous anger completely gone, giving way only to deep sadness. Finally, she sat down next to her and started stroking her head. Maldor flinched at the touch, but let her. Slowly, her crying stopped. After what seemed like forever, Maldor lifted her head from the pillow and looked at her sister. The grooves of tears were visible on her cheeks despite the illusion, and maybe she wasn't even trying to hide them.

The two sisters locked eyes for a moment, then Kotaru pulled Maldor towards her and hugged her. They both hugged each other so tightly that if they had still functioning bodies they probably would have become unable to breathe. They remained entwined together indefinitely, not saying a word. Then Maldor whispered: "Kotaru... sorry. I shouldn't have..."

"You have nothing to apologize for" Kotaru said, squeezing her even tighter. Then she added: "Because I think exactly like you"

Maldor seemed to freeze at those words. "What...?"

"I hate being a dragon too" Kotaru replied. "I've tried… I've tried really hard not to feel any positive emotions while I'm here with you… but it's impossible. As much as I've tried to be detached, I couldn't help but adore this place. Being able to go where I want without having to worry about anything, being able to talk to whoever I want without seeing the fear and disgust in their eyes, being able to indulge in a pastime without having to stop because it could make me visible to enemies... it's good to not be scary. It's a good feeling to be... appreciated, not feared by anyone. Let's face it, sister... if we had the choice of how we were born, none of us would have decided to be born as a dragon"

Maldor instinctively wrapped her fingers around Kotaru's clothes. "Then... why don't you want me to enjoy this happiness?"

Kotaru sighed. "Because even if we don't want to, we will always remain dragons. This is something that no magic, no spell, no potion can ever change. We can even create avatars to walk among the newcomers... but we will never be like them. As much as we hate it... this is our fate". She stopped for a moment, then she said: "And if we delude ourselves that all this... this academy, these people, these... friends... could be real... then we'll just hurt ourselves. I too would like to stay here forever, next to you, watch you teach, and see you bursting with happiness from every pore... but we both know that can't happen. So... we have to grit our teeth... and move on"

Maldor considered Kotaru's words for a moment, then closed her eyes and whispered in an angry voice: "Why... Why does it have to be like this? Why did we have to be born into this cruel world? Why were we born as dragons? Why... why were we born?"

Kotaru bit her lip. "I don't know" she admitted. "These things just happen. We can just bear with them and move on". She paused, then she added in a softer tone, "But at least, we don't have to bear it alone. We can't have friends or acquaintances... but at least we have a family. Which is far more than what any other dragon in this world has"

Maldor smiled slightly. "Yes, it's true. At least we have family" she said, starting to break the hug. "Thank you, sister. You were..."

"Wait!" Kotaru nearly screamed. "Wait... wait a little longer. Hold me one more moment"

Maldor's eyes widened in surprise. She couldn't see her sister's face because of the position they were in… but she could feel something wet on her shoulder. "Kotaru... you're also..."

"Don't talk" Kotaru whispered. "Just... hold me tight. Please"

Maldor respected her sister's wish and said nothing. She just wrapped her arms around her again and hugged her tightly. Kotaru didn't make a single sound, she didn't tremble, she didn't do anything; the only signs that she was still conscious were the tight grip of her embrace and the spreading damp patch on Maldor's shoulder. The two sisters remained motionless like this, for an indefinite time, sinking their sorrows into each other's warmth.