Chp.15: Unable to dream

Haku was alone on top of one of the many rocks surrounding the camp. It was a fairly big rock, about thirty meter high, and it was wide enough for him to sit on comfortably. In his paws he held a small stone which he kept turning as if he were playing.

Suddenly he began to whistle. An extremely high-pitched whistle. The vocal cords of dragons were extremely powerful, and with them he could generate any kind of sound. If he had used all his strength, he could have generated such a sound wave that his opponent's muscles would freeze as if they were frozen. Not that he ever needed to: he preferred to use other weapons to deal with his enemies. Sound was not a good weapon, as it attracted unwanted attention. The few times he had used it had been when he was still in his mother's territory, and even there it had been more to cry for help than to attack.

Haku kept whistling for almost ten seconds, and the rock in his hands started shaking; after which it shattered as if it were made of sand. His remains fell off the rock and rolled away.

"Still trying?"

Haku looked down and saw Kotaru sitting at the foot of the rock, staring at him. "Didn't you already find the right frequency?" she asked him.

Haku let out a groan. "Yeah, but it costs nothing to try again"

"Maybe, but you've been trying for months now. You already have what you need. Maybe you should take a break now" Kotaru said. "After all, we leave tomorrow. You should rest"

After a four-month wait, all the pieces were finally in motion. After waiting a week after Rhaegal and Darbi left, it was time for Haku and all the rest of the army to leave as well. After all, for everything to work properly, the battle against Carrion would have had to start at exactly one point in time, contemporary with Darbi's arrival in enemy territory and Rhaegal's attack starting. In order for this synchronization to take place, the army had to leave immediately; after all, neither Darbi nor Rhaegal could remain exposed for too long, or deceiving Carrion would be impossible. Therefore, Zamor had started making preparations to get the army moving; the following morning they would all leave for the south, in a long march that would take them to the place where they intended to consummate the battle. And where Haku would face Carrion.

"Everyone is resting right now" Kotaru said again. "Half of the soldiers are sleeping, the other half are distracted with games and entertainment. You should have fun too"

"I'll rest when we will be safe" Haku replied as he picked up another stone. "I can't afford to rest now. My enemy is still a legendary level. When I'll meet him, I can't afford to make any mistake. Therefore, keep experimenting is imperative"

Kotaru shook her head. If she had a piece of meat for every time Haku said 'I'll rest when we will be safe', she'd already have enough food to feed her and her family for the next fifty years. "There's a limit to how much you need to experiment. I don't doubt that your mind is capable of handling this effort, but sooner or later you'll have a nervous breakdown if you continue like this. Take a break at least today"

"And what else could I do, hmm? Tell me, Kotaru! What else should I do?" Haku snapped annoyed. "You know that this is my way of distracting myself. Making my mind work is the only method I know capable of making me forget my problems. This

.. " and he pointed to the rock, "... is a purely logical problem, something that is familiar to me and which I like to solve. If I focus on it, I can forget at least for a while that I'm about to embark on the dumbest adventure of my life"

Kotaru knew her brother was telling the truth. Haku enjoyed making his mind work. But that wasn't a way to rest, it was just an attempt to distract herself. And forcing the mind to work continuously could not lead to anything good. "Do you really have to do this?" she asked him. "Confronting Carrion, I mean. Is it really necessary for you to do it yourself?"

Haku dug his claws into the stone, splitting it in several places. "I have to do it" he replied. "I wish I could use an avatar, but we've already proven that legendary levels can sense the illusions caused by the invisibility rune. If I want to separate Carrion from his army, I'm going to need a palatable bait. I've made sure he knows I'm there, and he certainly won't miss his chance to recapture a fugitive dragon. But if he senses that what he's facing is just an avatar, then the whole plan could be invalidated. So I have to take that risk myself"

Kotaru let out a slight snort. She knew her brother was right, but she still worried about him. Taking on a legendary level in person was certainly no small risk. "You know you're really a hypocrite, mh?" she said after a short pause. "You got so mad at Darbi and Rhaegal because they wanted to use their real bodies in the mission, but you're doing the same"

"Mine is a considered decision made on every available data and on which the outcome of the mission may depend. Theirs is simply a foolish decision" Haku replied without changing his expression.

"Foolish? Do you think trying to get closer to the few newcomers with whom we managed to build a relationship other than simple partnership would be silly?" Kotaru asked.

"Yes, if it unnecessarily puts their lives at risk" Haku answered.

Kotaru was silent for a moment, so much so that Haku thought she had finally given up, then she suddenly said: "Haku, tell me the truth. Do you believe that we and the newcomers can build something new together?"

Those words hit Haku to the core. Involuntarily he squeezed the rock so hard that it shattered into small pieces. "No" he finally admitted. "I don't believe it. In my perspective, a purely logical perspective... there can never be peace between us and them. We could save all the people of this world, but the newcomers will always see us just for who we are. Just dragons. Nothing more"

Kotaru looked at his brother with a look of reproach mixed with confusion. "So, why were you the first to propose to collaborate with them?"

"Because, even if I don't believe it, I HAVE to try. I... I have to make all of this work" Haku replied. "I want you, all of you, to have a better life than this. Than this continuous escaping, hiding, running away. I can't change, I see the world only with logic, but you can. You see it differently. You are capable of making friends". His face twisted into a grimace. "That's why I have to do it, that's why I have to build something new even if I'm the first to not believe it. I want you to be able to keep smiling in the future too. If I fail, as I'm sure I will... at least we'll know for sure that coexistence can't exist, and we'll stop living in a dream. But if I succeed... if my logic turns out to be wrong, as it often has in the past... if all those unexplainable factors called 'emotions' are really relevant... then finally all of you will no longer have to live in fear. There will be one place in the world, at least one, where it will be possible for you to have friends. Where you won't have to be afraid of anything. I have to try, or I... I..." The words died in his throat. He closed his mouth and was silent.

Kotaru didn't need to hear what Haku was trying to say to know it. He'd told her about it months ago, and by now she knew the signs very well. "Haku, you're not like our parents" she told him.

"You've already told me! You, Rhaegal, Darbi, all of you have already told me many times! I'm trying to convince myself that it is the truth too!" Haku exclaimed. "But I can't. I can't change, I can't be different. You are different from them, you show it every day... but I am not. I am not able to... desire for some connection with the newcomers. I am not a friend or a protector, I am a predator. Mine is the mind of a strategist, it is made to kill, not to build. I am a killer, a manipulator, a torturer. That is who I am. When I look at the people in this camp, the only thing I can think of is how I could kill them. Not how I could relate to them, but how I could use them to gain the most benefits. That's who I am, Kotaru. That's why it's impossible for me to believe that we can coexist with them. But I have to keep trying, for you"

"Haku..."

"No 'Haku', sister. I know who I am and I know one thing for sure: I will die in a battle. I don't know what it will be, but I'm sure that will be my destiny. I am a destroyer, I make myself hated from the others. But you won't have to suffer this fate. You can be different. You can die of old age, in a pleasant and peaceful place, surrounded by your children and grandchildren... and your friends. You can have a choice, if I create it for you. So I must at least try"

Kotaru hated hearing her brother say those things. She wanted to yell at him that it wasn't true, that he too had a choice, that he too didn't need to be different in order to be happy, but she knew it would all be useless. Something inside Haku had broken a long time ago, when he had his moment of crisis, and no matter how much he tried to fix it, it still remained terribly fragmented. Haku remained self-confident, intelligent, bossy, and strong… but it was as if he had lost the ability to dream. Kotaru remembered how Haku was before that event: he refused to bend to the laws of the world and, she was sure, he would even be willing to build a new one just to do what he wanted. Now, it was as if that fire that fueled him had gone out. Haku acted because he wanted to give his family a better future, but he was no longer able to believe in that future, at least not for himself.

Kotaru knew that Haku's greatest wish, after protecting their family, was to be a dragon who didn't act like a dragon. But after that horrible event, after he was faced with his mistakes, he seemed to have lost faith in that belief. By now he considered himself incapable of changing, of being better. That was probably why he was afraid to relate to Rhaegal: because he was sure that if he did he would repeat the same mistakes, he would hurt his brother again. Even though he didn't say it out loud, Kotaru knew that Haku considered himself a monster.

She hated being so helpless. She wished she could done something about it instead of just watching her brother self-destruct from the inside out like that. She was sure that if she didn't try to fix things quickly, Haku would break sooner or later. But she'd already tried everything she knew, and hadn't been able to rekindle that flame she used to see in her brother's eyes. Haku continued to come up with brilliant plans... but he was no longer able to do anything else.

"Well, you don't think about killing all the newcomers, actually. You genuinely care about Misune, I can read it in your eyes" she finally said, trying to contradict at least one of his statements.

But Haku snorted in response. "Yeah, and what did I get? That girl has now embarked with Darbi on a dangerous mission, and she will put her life in danger for nothing. And before you tell me it's not my fault... no, it is my fault. I knew what was going on in her head and I did nothing to avoid it. I gave her weapons and defenses, I taught her how to defend herself, and I ignored the fact that all that new power would give her the head, head that was already bent from a not indifferent trauma. I messed with that girl, I didn't help her"

"You gave her hope" Kotaru contradicted him. "Misune will have many problems, but at least now she is happy and confident that she can have a future. And all of us too, even if our fate is uncertain, we still have hope, thanks to you who keep trying to build a bridge between us and the newcomers even if you don't believe in it. You don't need to make everything perfect, Haku. People can't follow a precise plan, you should have understood that by now. As long as they're happy, and as long as they believe in the future... that's enough. Why can't you do you too?"

Haku was silent for a moment, then he looked away. "I give hope to others" he replied. "I have none for myself"

Kotaru sighed. "I know. That's exactly your problem"

Kotaru lay down at the foot of the rock where his brother was lying on and she didn't say a word again. Both of them remained in that position for a long time, without speaking to each other. They would have had no idea what to say to each other even if they wanted to. When darkness began to fall, they got up and walked back to the camp, where they knew their sisters were waiting for them.