Chp.39: Haku's tiredness

Haku, Rhaegal and Darbi had swum up to a bend in the river where the water was particularly clean and therefore it was easy to see the creatures swimming in it. Rhaegal and Darbi had thought that was where Haku wanted to start their conversation, but instead their brother had remained silent, so they spent the time fishing for trecouches.

The trecouches were particularly large crustaceans that lived on the bottom of rivers and lakes. They were about a meter tall and looked like spiders covered by a powerful carapace and with dozens of legs that ended in large sharp claws, and their mouth was similar to that of a lamprey. Even if they mainly fed on fish, they did not disdain other foods such as small animals that passed near the water to drink or cross it. Even the newcomers were not exempt from this danger: given their size and their powerful claws, the trecouches could easily drag a person to the bottom of the river and drown them, then devour them. They weren't very difficult to deal with for those who knew how to use mana (it was enough to be of level iron to break free from their grip), but for people who had no experience they were a considerable risk. However, their meat was very tasty, so much so that in many cultures it was considered a delicacy; the problem is that catching them, even for newcomers with a high level of strength, was not easy as they used their many legs to swim away at lightning speed, and the nets were also not very useful as they managed to break them and free themselves. They were also quite solitary, so it was usually possible to catch one at a time.

But of course, against a group of dragons the situation was different. For them, tracking down the trecouches was simple: even if they were underwater, their nose could sense where they were, and once they spotted one they swam towards it and blocked it from several sides. At that point the trecouches panicked and tried to flatten itself on the bottom of the river, using its shell as a shield, but the mighty legs of the dragons managed to lift it and then threw it out of the water, where they finished it off by splitting its carapace and devouring it the heart.

They had already captured three trecouches when Rhaegal couldn't take the tension anymore: "Enough! Haku, you've been ignoring us for too long. At least tell us something!"

Haku stopped and let out a huff, but it wasn't an angry huff. It almost seemed that he was resigned and didn't quite know what to say. "What do you want me to tell you, brother?" he grumbled. "That you gave me a scare? That I had five heart attacks in ten seconds when I found out what happened? That I couldn't sleep for days because I was afraid for you? That you almost sent Serengal into a depression because she was convinced that I was unable to protect you? That you caused four of our sisters to separate from us indefinitely? That because of you I had to humiliate myself in front of the king? That I let myself be fooled for you? That I was afraid that you... that you..."

Rhaegal regretted having spoken. Maybe he'd better wait for Haku to find the words. It was the first time he had seen him so… exasperated. "Um... I'm sorry, brother..."

"Oh, you're sorry!" Haku exclaimed looking at him with furious eyes. "You are right to be sorry! You were reckless, reckless, insubordinate and out of control! You put your wishes before your safety and the safety of your family! Half of us told you not to go with your real body, but you didn't You only did that, but you also showed yourself to a king's spy! I mean, you showed yourself to someone who would surely talk to the ruler of a nation! It didn't occur to you that your actions were nothing short of stupid How did you think it would end!? That the king would say 'oh there's another dragon around, well it sure won't do any harm, leave him alone'!? You acted like a complete imbecile! AND YOU!"

He jabbed at Darbi so hard that the air moved in front of him, and Rhaegal could not blame his brother who lowered his head and stepped back a few steps with his tail between his legs. "You must know that I consider you indirectly responsible! Great idea to walk around in your real body, right? Congratulations, I hope you're happy that you managed to infect Rhaegal with your stupidity! Does either of you still have a modicum of survival instinct or am I the only one who remembers that the first rule to stay alive in this world is not to get noticed!?"

Darbi gulped. He understood his brother's anger, but he had no idea how to calm him down. "I… I know I was wrong… I just wanted to do the right thing…"

"Oh yeah? The right thing? Just as it was the right thing to allow a slave girl to come with you, risking her life and the whole mission?" Haku exclaimed. "You don't have to want to do the right thing! What you have to do is the smart thing! In this world, justice isn't rewarded, only cleverness is! If you do something wrong, in the ninety percent of the cases you die! The only reason you aren't dead, Rhaegal, it's because to the king you were more useful as a pawn than as a corpse! And if you're not dead, Darbi, it's only because I lured away all too strong enemies! The same goes for Misune, if she isn't dead is only because there was nobody really dangerous around! But that's not ability, or intelligence, or whatever else, that's just luck! If it wasn't for your luck, you'd be now... dead!"

Rhaegal and Darbi remained silent. They knew Haku was right: the only reason they both didn't die was due to 'fortunate' circumstances alone. If Rhaegal hadn't been useful as a pawn, surely the king would have had him killed right away; after all, what fool would let a dragon loose? The same was true for Darbi, if he went to the labor camp and met an enemy more powerful than him, since he was there with his real body, it would end very badly. Or even when he'd been out there scouting the land months ago with Brenno, Isaac, and Gord, there too he could have been discovered at any moment and could have been killed.

"You two seem to have lost all sense of reality!" Haku continued. "Want to build this new community together with the newcomers? Want to mingle with them? Become friends with them? Good! You can do it, I have nothing against it! But you're acting like everything's already sorted out! Wake up damn it! We're still here in enemy territory, we are a target! Every misstep we make can be tantamount to our heads being severed from our necks! And you, instead of acting smart, start walking around in your real bodies? At this point why don't you walk around with a sign that says 'I'm a dragon, I'm right here, hit me'? This is not a game, damn it! This is not a time you can prioritize fraternizing with newcomers! Right now, safety is our priority, I thought it should be clear to everyone! Do you have any idea how much did you worry our sisters!? How much did you worry ME!?"

Haku brought a paw to his face and moved his fingers nervously, so much that he unwittingly detached some scales with his claws. Rhaegal and Darbi saw this and panicked, fearing their brother would end up seriously injured if they didn't do something soon. "Haku, listen..."

"NO! No 'Haku, listen'! Not this time! This time, you two listen to me!" Haku yelled furiously. "Every day of my life, I try to keep this family alive! EVERY FUCKING DAY! There are days when I'm so tired that when I wake up I barely have the strength to get up! Yet, I'm still here! Every damn day , every damn hour, every damn minute, every damn second! I am constantly working, thinking, planning, calculating, reasoning, to make sure that each of you is in as little danger as possible! Yet, you two seem to be doing everything to make things even better for me! harder! Is it so hard for you to prioritize your life!? I can't even sleep peacefully for fear of what might happen to you if I let my guard down and make a stupid decision, and what do you do? Do you act even more stupid!? You jump into the fray without thinking!? Each of us has only one life, damn it! You can't risk it like this!"

"Well, sometimes you too risked your life..." Darbi tried to say, but he immediately regretted those words, because Haku glared at him.

"That's different! I've never foolishly put my life in danger! Each time it was a calculated risk, only taken after weeks of planning and preparation and only after making sure there was zero margin for error!" he yelled. "The only time I didn't accurately assess the danger to my life was when I didn't have time to think and I wanted to save you from an angry hydra! But you put your life at risk for no reason! You didn't act in cleverly, you didn't plan anything, your actions weren't even meant to save anyone else! You just didn't think! You ignored the danger and every safety measure, you acted with total recklessness! There's no excuse for that!"

Darbi and Rhaegal had to admit it was true. Their reason for risking their lives compared to Haku's was ridiculous. They had done it only to get to know the newcomers better and form a greater sense of cohesion among them, while instead Haku had always acted only to ensure the safety of the family. There was no comparison between the two.

Haku let out a growl, and his teeth gritted together so much that his lips pulled up and drops of saliva started falling from them. "I'm tired, okay? I can't stand it anymore! I'm tired of watching your antics, I'm tired of making up for your mistakes, I'm tired of having to reassure our sisters that everything will be okay, I'm tired of not sleep at night, I'm tired of constantly thinking of a way to fix the situation, I'm tired of everything! You really pissed me off, and I have a terrible HEADACHE!"

As soon as he had said those words he plunged his head in and grabbed a trecouche that was passing under him, lifting it and hurling it on the bank with such violence that as soon as it struck a rock its carapace cracked. Haku leapt at the crustacean and punched it in the abdomen so hard that even the solid shell cracked as if it were made of gravel. Then he dug his jaws into the trecouche's body and tore out its heart with a snap so hard he almost hurt his own neck.

The dragon stood motionless over the crustacean carcass, panting deeply. Then, suddenly, her energy seemed to fade. His whole body seemed to sag, as if he no longer had strength in his legs, and he almost forcibly dragged himself back into the water. "And I'm also tired of having this conversation. After all, I already know that tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, you'll certainly arrange another one for me, and I'll go crazy again and have to spend countless sleepless nights looking for a way to get us all out of trouble. So, what's the point of keeping getting angry, and trying to give me some sense? Do what you want. I'm tired". He cast a sidelong glance at Rhaegal: "Was this what you wanted me to tell you, brother?"

Rhaegal didn't answer, and neither did Darbi. The three brothers stood in silence looking at each other, immersed in the river water, unable to say anything else.