Chapter 22: Say Goodbye To The You That You Never Were

AKIRA FUYUKI:

Silence.

A deafening quiet hung in the air as Ryuji finished reading the contents of Kotori's diary. None of us spoke a word. We didn't have to; not when our pained expressions could so clearly convey exactly how we all felt after hearing just how much pain and suffering Kotori had to endure, all this time. I didn't know what I should say. I didn't know what to think of what I had just heard. All I felt was a pang of guilt deep in my chest.

She was going through so much and yet… she still smiled so brightly in front of us. Meanwhile I… What have I been doing this whole time? Why have I been…

Unable to formulate the proper words and unable to think straight, I stood there, motionless, like a statue. My mind as well as everyone else's was in complete shambles. We all stood there for what felt like an eternity before finally, Ryuji broke the silence with an unpleasant laugh.

"Hahahaha, how about it guys? Still feel like defending your so-called friend, huh? The same friend who's been deceiving you this whole time while faking her entire personality. Well, do you?!"

"…"

Neither Kyoko, Yamaguchi, nor I say a word.

Ryuji takes our silence as an opportunity to add more insult to injury as he directs his attention to Kotori.

"You see that Fake? They can't bring themselves to say a single word. The same friends who were just so avidly defending you—After hearing the ugly truth about you, they can't even open their damn mouths."

"I see why you didn't want them to know now, Fake. You hid your true self away to make friends and in the end, you were still abandoned. Someone like you——An empty shell of a person, is destined to always be alone. You will remain wanted by, loved by, and needed by not a single person. Not even your own mother, hahahaha."

"…"

Kotori silently hangs her head. Only the sound of her remaining tears dripping onto the ground can be heard.

Hey Kotori, what kind of face are you making right now? Right now I can see you right in front of me and yet… you feel so far away. I want to reach out my hand, but you keep drifting farther away. I want to console you somehow, but I can't find the right words. I promised I would help you, but all I've done is cause you more pain. Tell me Kotori, what should I do right now? What words do you want to hear at this very moment? Please tell me. If you don't then… I won't be able to keep my promise.

(Ding Dong Ding)

The first bell rings signifying it's time to head back to class.

"Looks like we're out of time. I did what I came here to do so you can have this back," Ryuji tosses the diary at Kotori. She flinches a bit as it hits her face, but she quickly grabs it and embraces it tightly. "You make me sick, you know that, Fake? Someone like you who lies to others doesn't deserve to have any friends," with those cutthroat parting words, Ryuji turns around to leave.

"Ryuji-senpai… No Ryuji," Kyoko calls out to Ryuji, dropping all formalities.

(Gulp)

A cold chill runs down my spine and I find myself frozen stiff upon seeing Kyoko's expression. Her eyes are dead-cold like a fish, and her glare is sharper than steel, but the most frightening part of her is the drastically different air surrounding her. The normally cheerful and energetic Kyoko almost seems like a figment of my imagination when I look at her now. This is the first time I've ever seen Kyoko make such a grave expression.

"Hah? What do you want, school idol?" Ryuji asks, dismissively.

"Exposing this poor girl's privacy. Treating her like she's less than human. And having the audacity to dare speak about someone else's family. Mark my words…. You won't get away with this… You'll pay for what you've done to Kotori-chan… I'll make sure of it."

"Pfft… Ahaha! I'll pay, you say? Do your worst then school idol, I'll be looking forward to what maniacal scheme you come up with, hahaha," Ryuji mockingly says, laughing at Kyoko's declaration, completely unaware of just how serious she is.

After Ryuji leaves, we all direct our attention to the red-haired girl. Her tears have dried and instead are replaced by the drizzling raindrops that have started to shower us.

"Kotori-chan…" Kyoko tries to approach Kotori, but Kotori swats her hand away. Kyoko lets out a small gasp, which causes Kotori's face to twist into a pained expression.

"I'm sorry…but this is goodbye," Kotori mumbles. With those words, Kotori dashes off before any of us have the chance to say a word to her.

"Kotori-chan!"

"Hey, we're going after her!"

"But, the second bell is about to ring, Yamaguchi!"

"I don't give a damn about that! Kotori is more important than some stupid ass classes, Fuyuki! If ya don't wanna come ya don't have to, but I'm going after her!"

"No… I'll go."

"What about you Kyo-chan?"

"I'll go to class and cover for you guys. I doubt she'll leave the school premises so you guys should be able to find her somewhere on campus."

"Are ya sure you don't wanna come too?"

"I trust the both of you to bring her back and besides… There's something I need to take care of as well," Kyoko says, her eyes unwavering. We both can see how serious Kyoko is so neither of us objects.

"Alright, got it. Let's go Fuyuki!

"Yeah."

The two of us quickly dash down the stairs. As we make our way to the second floor, we continue running through the hallway. We check inside several classrooms on the off chance that she went to one of them. However, we don't see her anywhere. To make matters worse, several students heading to class begin scrutinizing us as we frantically run through the halls. If we keep drawing so much attention a teacher is bound to try and question us.

"Let's split up and search!" I suggest.

"Alright. Where are ya gonna check?"

"I'll check outside so you can search the floors."

"Got it."

Once we reach the stairs the two of us split up. I head downstairs while Yamaguchi continues to search inside the building.

"Kotori…"

Where could you have gone?

As I make my way outside, the sound of splashing water can be heard as I step on the numerous puddles that have begun to form. I tirelessly run around checking every conceivable place I think Kotori might've gone.

The athletics field? No.

The equipment shed? No.

The trees by the lunch area? No.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit

Where are you, Kotori?

(This is goodbye)

As I'm running, Kotori's final words of goodbye continue to ring in my ears. I can ignore the echoes of sadness in her voice, but no matter how hard I try…I cannot get her face out of my mind. That expression she made…

"Why…"

Even though you must've been in so much pain… Why did you smile so happily at us when you said goodbye?

******

Yamaguchi's POV

(This is goodbye)

Kotori this whole time you…

"Argh! That stupid girl!"

I race through the school checking any place I think she might be. Ignoring the gazes of bewilderment. Paying no heed to the teachers calling out to me. Unfazed by how stupid I may look desperately running around like this. I don't care about any of that because right now she needs me and I have to be there for her. What kind of friend would I be if I can't be there for her when she needs me most...

There was always something about you. Something that made me feel a strange sense of attachment to you. The more time we spent together the more I started to like you. Your smile was infectious, but it was also dangerous. Deep down I could tell that behind your smile, there was pain hidden beneath the surface. You always seemed so hesitant, so worried about what we thought. I couldn't understand why that was. And yet, I still felt such a strange sense of urgency. I wanted to protect your smile. You know, I was happy when you started opening up to us. I liked being around you. I enjoyed our silly interactions. And more than anything, I was happy that you were so friendly toward someone like me. I can't speak for everyone else, but for me, the time we spent together was something I cherished dearly. And yet because of him…

"That asshole Ryuji…"

He took her away from us and used her weakness to manipulate her. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. But getting angry at him right now isn't going to change anything. Right now there's something that only I can do, something that only I can tell her. She may not want to hear what I have to say. She might even come to hate me for it. But I'm willing to accept that because I know this is what she needs to hear, even if she doesn't want to. Because she's precious to me, like a little sister. That's why we'll… No, that's why I'll bring you back no matter what. I'll take away those years of solitude and—

"Wait…" Suddenly realizing something, I abruptly stop running. I close my eyes and begin thinking, "Solitude… Alone… Empty…," and then it finally hits me.

"That's it. I know where she is!"

The place where Kotori ran off to. A place neither Kyo-chan nor Fuyuki would've been able to guess. It's because Kotori and I are similar, that I'm sure she's there.

Not wasting another second, I take off running in the opposite direction— Toward the girl who needs me.

"You're there aren't you Kotori? In______."

******

Kyoko's POV

"Hmm, well if you're saying it, then I'm sure there's a good reason for it. Alright, I'll excuse them, but make sure to have them come by after school to get today's homework."

"Thank you very much Sensei. I'll be sure to tell them."

"No worries. You're an excellent student Yuzuha-san. You never give me any trouble and you're always very helpful. Not to mention you're a student council member."

"…"

" Anyway, you said you also wanted to go to the faculty office?"

"…"

"…Yuzuha-san?"

"Ah. Sorry, I spaced out for a bit, ehehe. Yes, that's correct. There's a serious issue I want to discuss with Kamakura-Sensei."

"O-Oh, don't worry about it. You just look a bit… Erm, well, upset for a second there.

"Eh? Is that so? I'm sorry, I was just thinking about something. I didn't mean to scare you Sensei…"

"Haha, it's fine, it's fine. Here, take this hall pass with you."

"Thank you very much," after giving him a small bow, I excuse myself from the classroom and begin heading to the faculty office.

"Kotori-chan…"

I'm such an idiot.

This whole time she was actually in so much pain. She was hurting and I couldn't see it—even though I was so close to her. Why? Why didn't I notice? Why did she have to go through so much suffering growing up? Why wouldn't anyone be her friend? Why did her own mother… It's frustrating. I wish I could've been there with her. I would've held her hand. I would've hugged her tightly. I would've stayed by her side. But the fact of the matter is, I wasn't there, and no matter how much I wish I could've done something for her… I can't go back and change what's already been done. I couldn't do anything back then and I still can't do anything now. I'm sorry Kotori-chan. I'm sorry that I can't understand your pain. No matter how much I want to tell you I understand and I'm here for you, I just can't do that. It wouldn't be right to tell you something so disingenuous. The two who can reach out to you, the two that can sympathize with you and break the walls around your heart. They're on their way to you, Kotori-chan. So don't worry. I'm sure they'll bring you back and when they do… I promise I'll be right here to give you a big hug. However, right now there's something that only I can do. This will be my way of helping you Kotori-chan.

(The one who caused you so much pain)

"Excuse me."

"Oh my, is that you, Kyoko-san?"

"Ehehe, yes it's me."

(The one who treated you so poorly)

"What can I do for you today?"

"I have a favor to ask of you, Kamakura-Sensei. I want you to______."

(The one who tried to take you away from us)

"Kyoko-san, are you serious?"

"Yes, I believe the severity of the situation has reached the point that actions like this must be taken. Otherwise, it'll only continue and may even spread to other students. As a student council member, I can't allow this to go on any longer."

(Even if I can't do anything else)

"Hmmm… Very well. Although, I think this is a bit extreme and perhaps even against the rules. But since you're the one asking, I'll overlook it just this once."

"Thank you very much, Kamakura-Sensei."

(I'll make sure he pays for what he did to you)

******

Akira's POV

(Drip Drip)

"It's really coming down now…"

I've been running around the school for the past 15 minutes looking for Kotori. My clothes got completely soaked as the rain began to get heavier and heavier. I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran some more. Here? No. Here? No. What about here? No good. Surely she has to be here. Of course, she isn't. I continue to run with no direction, no plan, and not even the slightest clue where she might be. I search and search, in the cold rain. Water drips onto my face from the ends of my hair and blurs my vision. I keep running. My legs start to burn and a sharp pain shoots through my side. I keep running. My thoughts are empty. Not because my mind is clear, but because the realization knocking on the door is being held shut by my foolish obstinacy. I keep running.

'What are you even doing?'

A voice rings in the back of my mind.

"Shut up…" I refute it and keep running.

'Why are you searching for her?'

"Because I made a promise…," I mutter in a pitifully low voice as I keep running.

'A promise predicated on hypocrisy is meaningless.'

"No! That's wrong…," I violently shake my head. Water droplets fly from my hair in every direction. I keep running.

'We both know why you're really trying to help her?'

"You don't know a damn thing!" I clench my fist and bite down on my lip hard. The taste of blood creeps into my mouth. I keep running.

I'm no longer running around searching for Kotori. Instead, I'm running from the truth that I don't want to face. My selfishness, my self-deception, my hypocrisy, everything… I can't take it anymore.

'Are you really trying to help Kotori…'

"Yes, that's why I'm searching for her. That's why I came up with that plan. That's why I've done everything up until now. It's all because I wanted to help her!"

'Or are you trying to help yourself?'

I stop running.

"No…"

'You've run around all this time searching, but not once have you thought about it, have you?'

"…"

Here I stand unmoving as the rain continues assailing my frigid body.

"Ah, that's right. I didn't think of that," I look up toward the rainy sky with a smile. Not one that would insinuate happiness, but I smile of self-mockery. "What am I even going to say to her if I find her…"

Me——someone that ran away the moment things got tough. Me——someone that gave up the moment he was no longer here. I'm trying to help Kotori overcome her insecurities? No. All I'm doing is massaging my own ego, making myself feel better about my failures by accrediting myself for "helping her". In actuality, I've only been thinking of myself. I already knew that. I knew I didn't deserve to try to reach out to her. Unlike those two who genuinely care for her, I just wanted to try to make up for my own stagnancy. Sorry, Kotori. I can't keep my promise after all. Someone like me doesn't have the right to hold out my hand to you. But don't worry… Even if you and Yamaguchi and Kyoko forgive me for this. I won't forgive myself. Because I know if it were him——He would've definitely saved you.

You know, now that I think about it.

"I just keep getting left behind by everyone…"

Here I stood, head downcast. Bitterly smiling as I allowed the rain to thoroughly soak me down to my feet. I began drowning, not in the rain, but in my own self-pity.

******

Kotori's POV

The three of them were like fireworks.

They were a fleeting ray of sunshine in my life. They brought me so much joy and I loved being with them. I'll never forget the time we spent together. However, all good things must come to an end. Just as the beauty of fireworks only lasts for a moment, in the very next instance they too vanished. No longer within my reach, the door to my happiness shut. I really wanted things to work out. I held onto the hope that just maybe we could all stay together. But this is how it ought to be. I lied to them with my smile. I deceived them by hiding a part of myself away, even though they had such a profound trust in me. I betrayed those feelings because I was afraid they wouldn't want to be together with me if they found out what kind of person I really am. If they found out that the Kotori Miyazaki they liked was a "Fake" they would be disappointed by the real me. Of course, they would… Even back then everyone had always hated me. I didn't want them to hate me too. My heart can't take being hurt again like that, and so I run. I run and I run, I keep on running away from my problems, from myself, and now from the people dear to me.

So long as I hate myself, so long as I continue to be a coward, and so long as I continue to avoid facing the past that continues to haunt me. I will never be granted salvation. Not in the form of real friends, not in the form of approval, and certainly not in the form of having her looking at me again. That is my curse, one that I've plagued myself with. I accept that. I've come to terms with it, but even so…

"It still really…really hurts."

Alone in this empty classroom, without my consent, tears trickle down my face. I stand up and begin to walk around, combing over every inch of this place.

This abandoned classroom——one that no one ever goes to. A vast classroom with an enclosing warmth. I love this place. I don't come here very often, but it's my favorite place in the entire school. It's so strange. This classroom is desolate, almost as if it's completely devoid of all forms of life. It is a quiet place where you are alone with nothing and no one to keep your company outside of your own thoughts. And yet, it's here where I feel most comfortable. It's truly ironic when I put it into perspective. I feel more alone being surrounded by a group of so-called friends than being here in this classroom where there is literally no one except for me. Maybe I'm crazy or maybe this is something that just pertains to me but…

"I've always felt that in solitude is—"

"Where we're least alone, right?"

Suddenly a gentle voice finishes my train of thought. A tall girl with long purple hair stands before me with her arms crossed.

"You… How did you know I was here?" I ask, surprised.

"Even if you ask me that I can't really give you a concrete answer, but if I had to say… It would be because this is my favorite place in the entire school," she says bashfully whilst scratching her cheek.

"…I thought I told you guys goodbye already," I say, coldly, quickly wiping my tear-stained face.

"…" She says nothing.

"I'm serious this time, Yurika-chan…"

Please Yurika-chan, just go away. You're the person I wanted to see the least. I don't want to hear what you have to say. I'm… scared. I don't want to be hurt again.

"You're right Kotori, this is goodbye."

"…" I say nothing.

Her words cut deep. Even though I'm the one that said it first. Hearing it from her mouth feels like my heart is being torn apart piece by piece.

"Goodbye to the you that you never were."

One.

Two.

Three seconds pass.

My brain fails to comprehend what she just said.

"…Goodbye to the me that I never was?"

"That's right. I ain't interested in some 'Fake' Kotori that pretends to be someone she isn't."

"…"

Upon hearing her words, my body twitches.

"How dare you…" I mutter under my breath.

I clench my fist and grind my teeth together in frustration. Her words replay in my head rapidly over and over again until finally something inside me snaps. My breaths become ragged and frequent. My toes curl inside my shoes and my face scrunches into a scowl.

"Take that back…right now, Yurika-chan…"

"If ya got a problem with what I said, why don't ya hurry up and let me talk to the real Kotori."

"You!"

My muscles begin to tense. When I close my eyes to blink a bright shade of red flashes.

Face-to-face with Yurika-chan; someone who I consider to be very precious to me. After hearing her thoughtless remarks, for the first time in my entire life, I find myself infuriated with another person.